PerCePtiOn!

Days pass and times change, it seems as if only yesterday happened, but yet it is now almost five years later. Sometimes time seemingly stands still. I know it does seem to do just that for my high school senior. She is counting the days minutes and hours until she is in a different stage of her life. I remember doing the same thing, but for me the waiting was more fun, much less stress, and a time to figure a few things out.

Sometimes I think this can be so painful as it is for her, her unusual circumstances at school have made things so much more difficult. Just as the unusual medical circumstances that have happened in my life. Both of us are so similar, both of us are learning to be tougher, both of us are unwilling to settle for what we don't deserve.

Respect, care, compassion, and more I am so glad that she knows that these things are mandatory to expect, and to share. I sometimes will find that she forgets this. For the most part she stays true to herself. I wonder, if desperation would fall upon her and if she would be strong enough to make it through what ever would be hanging the dark cloud over her.

I have been told that I am too cheery, I always am looking for the best. I frustrate Jason by the answers to his questions. He will ask me how I am doing, he can tell when I hurt. He asks me this already knowing that I am hurting, then wants me to verbally validate what he is already seeing my body and eyes present. He is frustrated by my lack of brut honesty on the subject. I most commonly have answered his question with an I doing better than I was, or an I am alright.

These answers have become a huge frustration for him. I don't understand why he needs my verbal validation for what he already knows to be true. My perspective and my focus is and has been to stay mentally healthy. To not go out and try to kill myself, to make it through the day, to really focus on what good things I have instead of the pain that I feel all of the time. For me being better than I was is good. If I can hear myself say that I am alright, that I am better than I was, these things don't seem so bad.

I can understand his frustration, really I can. Looking at me he, and everyone else I guess can tell that there is something wrong with me. I can too I guess if I were to look in the mirror when I have gotten worn out from the pain. I don't have any sparkle to my eyes, my brows sink in to my eyes, I loose color, not that I had that much to begin with, my posture is shifted, and I have difficulty moving, standing or doing anything. Just the speed of my thinking, my clarity, and my movement each alone could tell someone.

Many times the problem is not only that I don't want to hear myself say that I am myserable, that the pain is so intense that I can hardly stand it, but that I am so tired, and so foggy, that my mind has actually blocked the pain from the front of my thinking. When prompted, for a more complete and serious answer, in which I take a few moments to delebriate and assess my condition, this fog will subside, and the reality of the pain will begin to take hold.

I know that most people aren't able to do this, I am very lucky that I have had the mental blocking skills already developed to some degree to help me deal with this. Prior to the day of my auto accident where the very old man took his time to turn to look from side to side to check the traffic, where his foot got ahead of his eyes, and jetted out in front of my little red Mary Kay car. I had already developed these skills to deal with the PTSD that I had/have.

It does become a detriment however, I have found. I do know that since my auto accident, I can no longer remember peoples names with ease. There faces or names if seen will cause me to stop, but the clarity that was once there before, is gone. I had worked hard to develop the skill of remembering people's names, and where I knew them from. I don't have that anymore, I am starting over.

I see the frustration in peoples faces when they realize that I don't remember them. How do you explain in five seconds or less that I was in an accident...blah blah blah... GRRR! It is so frustrating for me not because of the loss of the skill. But the skill provided a validation to those around me, the people that I met, wheather briefly, or had a major interaction with, that they were important to me. How many times do you go through your day, with no validation of importance, no acknowlegement that you actually mean something to someone. That you are more than a number, that you are worthy, and treasured.

It was a skill that I had worked hard to perfect, that gave a gift larger than you can hold. I loved making those who were with in contact to whatever degree with me that they were indeed important. I knew this from many years of being a discounted person, a person who others saw no real value in what I did. I have never been a person with one of THOSE jobs, one of THOSE degree's one of THOSE types of social standing.

I have been around many of those people, those people make up a portion of my friends today. My friends may have THOSE things, but they see ME! They are around me because of how I have made them feel, because I see them. I don't see what they do, or what they have. If they lost it all, I wouldn't go away. These are the people that are still with me through this crazyness. They are the type of people you want in your life.

While being a waitress, being the shoe shine girl, being a farm hand, fast food worker, and more, I learned that many people saw you as what you did, not for who you were. Their mistake. I could feel the invaidation, that is the type of feeling that can sink a person's soul. It frustrated mine, it pushed me, not to be the type of person who had to have all of that to feel alright about myself, but to be strong enough that other's perceptions would never cloud my self worth. I hope for my high school senior's sake that she can keep a strong sense of value and hold it close, while encouraging and validating others. She too knows what it feels like to be a discounted person.

A quote by Frank Sinatra shared tonight on the David Letterman show, by a friend of his, and I paraphrase, "If you own something that you can not give away, then you do not own it, it is the one that owns you." If a person feels as if they are of value, but keeps it to themselves, uses it for themselves, than, really do they have value? I wonder.

Going through this receient recovery period has been difficult to retain this I must say, but through guarding what I say, what I spend my days focused on, and making the most of what I have each moment, this has been what keeps me going. I've got lots of blessings in my life. One of the greatest blessings is laying beside me with his hand on my knee.

I hope for her sake and the sake of those around her that she holds on to what is dear to her by sharing all she can to benefit those around her. My greatest friends have this gift too! I love being around them, not for the degree's that they hold, or the money that they earn, or the club that they belong to. I love being around them because I can help them and they can help me, we are there for each other, and while acknowledging flaws choose to look at each other's gifts.

I am blessed! Beyond belief, I am better than I was!

FeELinG gOoD!

As I sit here and begin to write, my thoughts wonder to the events over the past almost month it feels since I last wrote. While I am definately not as angry as was at people's stupidity, other things have been frustrating. Which causes me much hesitation when I consider writing more of my feelings down in this blog.

Needing to deal with things in an appropriate matter, sometimes time is able to help give perspective and the ability to add calming sense to certain situations. These past few weeks calming influences seem to have been the key for everyone in my household. We have had to search and search to remain calm at times.

I know that so many people have things so much worse. I realize too that we have been through much worse, although what makes difficulties easier to get through is the hope that the next situation will be an improvement. Sometimes we find the next thing to be just as challenging if not more, and we again hope for something better. The hotter the fire the stronger the steel. I don't know who said that but I think that it definately applies to my relationship with Jason.

We sure seem to have gone through allot of fire but each time we go through a challenge we seem to come out stronger. I am so grateful for that.

In my last post I had mentioned Jason's difficulty with Luka in public situations. I wrote about how I percieved his feelings to be on that subject. I am so glad I did, we were able to have a great conversation on the subject and things actually worked out better for it. Of course all of the things I am writing about are my feelings and my perspective. It doesn't always or even often match others perspectives and feelings on the same or even similar subjects. I am alright with that. I am also open to listening in most cases especially after I have had some time to become calm about a particular situation. I love different opinions and perspectives, while I sometimes will never agree, I appriciate others and still find value in difference.

It seems lately that Dr's visits are at the top of the adjenda lately. These visits can sure drain the day's time away. Our teenager has appointments for her teeth as well as Dr visits, and college visits, as well as she needs some therapy visits in the near future as well. Jason has started the some of his own, and mine a lovely 4-5 appointments each week are just enough to make a person MAD! We catch ourselves comming and going. How is their time for everything.

Tomorrow's day includes a dental appointment for me, then a college visit for her, then school for her, then post office for me to mail things, and time for my therapy excersizes, then off to the dentist for her, while Jason scoots off to a teaching job that evening. Gikes! I know that everyone else has this crazyness in their lives as well. Should life really be like this? I wonder.

I've started a project that I am happy to be working on. Having worked in my past at a children's camp, I now volunteer occasionally for this camp, I have volunteered for them for years now with various projects, most of which are very fun, some are moderately fun, and some just need to be done. The latest project that I have picked up is enjoyable for sure. It is really allot of busy work and research. I am having a good time with it, going through the details slowly and compiling all of the needed information. It is something I've found that I am quite good at, and that I really enjoy doing. It makes it even better that I can do this all from my home in my bed when I feel good or when I feel kinda bad.

I love having something else to focus on, that keeps my mind off of everything else that I have no control over. The fact that this information will fill a need and be helpful for others really makes me feel well also. A sense of accomplishment, is just wonderful. Just like making a really nice meal and watching those eating it enjoy it, or dropping a note to someone going through a rough time to let them know that they are in my thoughts.

I am reminded constantly that my life is good. I am reminded for all of the good things in my life, and there are many that there are those who don't have nearly as many good things in theirs. I have several friends who have always had difficult physical situations, some who are just receintly as I have been receintly having difficult physical situations, and those who are going through emotional, and financial difficulties currently or who have in the past. Usually these things seem to go hand in hand if you have one you will most certainly have two or three of them all at one time. Managing just one of them can be a full time job, while handling all three it sometimes feels as if you were never going to survive it.

Hearing from a friend today reminded me that while we are so involved in things that are going on in our own lives, that there are those around us, near or distantly, who are suffering, wondering how they will ever be able to make it through another moment. We've been there. I heard those thoughts today from a friend in an email that I received. He is going through a much more difficult time than we've gone through, his road will be harder, and longet, there are small children involved, as well as a very injured wife. He sounded as if he just needed someone to care, some one to notice, someone to talk to. Nothing really more than that, not asking for any of his responsiblities to be taken away or lessened, however I am sure that would be accepted. But just asking for someone to understand, someone to care. Reaching out for something to hold on to hope for one more day. It isn't a good place to be in.

The better place to be in is the person who takes the time to say Hey, I hear you, I see you, I am praying for you. If you are a person who doesn't have much time, but has resourses, then a certificate for pizza or a casserole, or a monitary gift would be handy for this person. If you have time but no resourses, then the offer of a shoulder to cry on, an afternoon of visiting or helping so someone else can have some time away from helping, or watching kids is a great way to share.

We've been so lucky to be beneficairies of some of these same gifts. Believe it or not they all equal the same. It doesn't matter how much time, or money or how big the gift or how small, they all equal the same. They all say the same thing. They all give the receiver the same message, that some one is here for them, someone noticed, someone cares.

I am glad that I took the time to write to this person, I will be writing again soon as well. It feels great for me to be able to do that. For me to think of someone else. I love doing that. It makes me feel so good.

Being that it is almost 1am I really need to get to bed. I have a busy day tomorrow and I am determined to pack as much in as I can. Maybe I will even be able to drive agian soon. I am holding out hope.

So for now goodnight.

NoT WaNtiNg tO...

This post might touch some nerves, it isn't intended to make anyone else upset, none of my posts are. I do write these things to get them out of my head, and to give perspective to those in my life what I am going through so they can understand me better. I love having all of my friends family and clients in my life.

Well for about two weeks now I have been in hell, I haven't felt much like writing, just when I would think I was getting better or back on track, my body would once again rebel. No migraines, well, not many at least, mostly just major body aches and pains. I really have been avoiding my blog. It isn't that I have been unhappy, I mean I am but really no more than usual, but the pain has once again become so intense some days that it is all I can do to get to the bathroom from bed. My pain medication is giving me nausea, taking away some of the pain and then adding the upset feeling is not my idea of a good time.

Hot sweats, throwing up and major body pain are really things that I could do with out. Now, if it were the flu then fine, but this was not the flu. The past couple of days have been better, I have started physical therapy with a new therapist, Kristi. I think that what she has me working on will help. I really hope I can get some of this under control. I am excited because, she has trained with a previous therapist that I had, that helped me allot, but he moved. She knows the same techniques, and then also incorporates some other things as well. My massage therapist also coordinates what he does with her, as he has also attended some of the same training, while his focus is different, each therapy reinforces the other. My massage is not going to help me get stronger, but it is helping me rid my body of muscle spasms each week. For me they are both worth their weight in gold.

I wish I could find something to help me feel the pain less, with out making me queezy. I can become ill all on my own with my migraines, I don't need a pill to make me feel ill. Geesh!

I am also super upset about a recent visit to the state agency that helps people with disabilities, become educated, and help find employment. Jason and I went in for the appointment. The person who was assigned to me, listened to my story, and then proceeded to share that she won't be able to help me. That in her opinion I am to disabled to work. That no one would hire someone like me, and that the only suggestion that she had for me was some of those letter stuffing jobs you find in the newspaper. She then proceeded to tell me that she did not know if those jobs really paid you much or not.

OMG~ FOR REAL??? Lady, come on, I know I am not ready to go to work at this moment, but I will be, I might not be able to do something full time, but I can do something more than stuff envelopes. Having not been able to do as much Mary Kay as I'd like, and living in the small town where I live, people don't flock to my door. I live in a location that none of my clients really travel past, and would have to make a special trip to come see me. I think the day will come, when we will either move, or something so I can really have access to my clients, and provide them with better service.

I am very capable of doing makeovers, and servicing my clients. While I can't do it like I did, I can still do a great job. Ok, so I know some of you reading are my clients, and if you are headed this direction, please let me know, I would love to let you play with my Mary Kay!! If you want me to go to you, let me know that too, YES it is possible! Jason will drive me, if I plan ahead. 17 years of doing this, thank goodness, I could do it with my eyes shut. I am just not as mobile as I was.

Of course there is the Luka issue. Yes, I do know that he is allowed by law to enter any public business or place. However, people's homes are private. So in order for me to come to you special arangements need to be made. You will need to let me know if bringing Luka with me is alright. Or we may need to meet at a more public location in some cases. I may also need assistance carrying all of my supplies inside as well as help filling any orders as these things may demand more than I am able to do.

Even if I were able to drive, carrying my bags in and out of different locations, the stairs up and down in and out of people's homes, and other variables have made things in my business different. For these reasons I haven't been doing my Mary Kay business as much.

The thing last thing that's been bugging me is that many people are so rude and mean. Or just plain ignorant. I discovered this when our friend Joy and her family lived with us for a year. Joy is deaf, dealing with people for her is a very trying ordeal. Very few people were ever really nice to her, most just tollerated her, and some were completely put off by her disablity, some including her own family. Jason and I had the opportunity when we were with her, to call people out on their rude behavior, to educate those she dealt with to be nice and patient, and to thank all of the people who treated her well. Professionals in offices, people on the street, phone calls she would make, and people in the schools you just really wouldn't believe that these people would treat her the worst.

Joy is the most awesome person, she is talented, warm, giving, timely, creative, interesting, thoughtful, tidy, beautiful, smart and more. I understand that she may be harder to get to know or to communicate with than hearing people, but she still deserves the same amount of respect and concideration as everyone else. She does nothing to be treated rudely, and she always is prepared and goes out of her way to make things as simple as possible.

Having watched her deal with things, as I know she has for her whole life, she is very consistant, with what she does. That way she will deal with the same people over and over again whom she has found to be nice and cooperative. She limits her life to the safer areas. I so understand that.

I hate going in to new stores. I hate it! I never know if someone is going to be rude or uneducated about people with illnesses or disablities. Before I got Luka it would even happen, I would go somewhere, and be perfectly normal looking and ask for help with a bag or ask for help getting something off the shelf in a store. I would explain that I am not able to do it myself. They would treat me as if I was the laziest, person, roll their eyes, make me feel bad by making some smart ass comment...

As bad as it was before, it is worse now, I walk in to business's now with Luka by my side, he is wearing his vest, which he isn't even required by law to do. People will be having an attitude immediately with a nasty voice tell me you can't have dogs in here, you need to leave... or just stare at us and not seat us pretend as if we aren't there, some people in these places come up and say is that your seeing eye dog? While they are looking me straight in the eye, and have seen me looking around, they don't even bother to look at his vest let alone read it. Yes, it is oh so convenient to load up my dog, unload my dog, take my dog to pee and poop, carry the bags to pick up the poop, carry water for him, and negotiate isles in stores with him, not to mention the stares you get from the other patrons wondering what is wrong with you, yeah this is so fun for me to do drag my 110lb doberman out in the cold the snow the heat the rain. GET REAL! NO one in their right mind would go through all of this just to bring their dog with them where ever they would want to go, unless there was a legit reason for it. And if they did, at least take the time to look and see if the dog has a vest on it and READ IT!

Man people are stupid! I grew up on a farm, in the middle of no where, and I knew this... what's your excuse.

The one good thing about this is that I have been saving money. Yep! Businesses that do this to me are not getting my money! And I would bet they have lost more business than mine in some cases as there have been other customers around in many of the occasions that have witnessed these peoples illegeal, not to mention, rude behavior. Word will get around, and with everyone tightening their belts, I would think these places would be looking for all of the business they can get coming through their door, not be chasing it out.

Yes, I know that I would have been able to call the police and get these places in legal trouble, but really is it worth it? Not to me, who wants to shop in a place that the owner, or employees are so nasty, I don't ever intend to set foot in their door again. Did you know that you can buy anything online and have it delivered to your door?

That is my newest plan, I really understand why my friend Joy, as well as so many other people with illness and disablities aren't seen in public much. It is too hard. For me to get upset, angry, embarassed, or just fed up, takes all of my energy away from me, I don't have that much anyway, and why should I subject myself to that? I can have a perfectly good day in a safer environment.

One of my favorite movies is Pretty Woman. I love the scene when she walks into the fancy store looking all hookeree, and they tell her to leave that they won't sell her anything, then she walks back in the store looking wealthy hands full of other designers bags and says REMEMBER ME??? Big mistake BIG, HUGE... and walks back out with their mouths agape! Maybe I will do that to those stupid places. I am making a list!

Jason even hates walking into places with Luka and I, he hates the stares that he gets, when people look at him and wonder what's wrong with both of us, because if there is something wrong with me there has got to be something wrong with him to. The stares of adults who look at you then turn like you are contageous. The kids are great! Kids almost always are, and if they aren't well, lots of people have had these same stares when their child is misbehaving in public, and in most cases it has nothing to do with the parents not doing things well, it has to do with the child and how they are developing their own personalities.

Jason is finding that it is easier to to places on his own, that bring me along. The explanation is hard wherever we go. The underlying anger of what has happened over four and a half years ago, and what has happened to me and us as a result. He does not talk about it, if you ask him about it you will get a short response and then a change of subject. I don't know if he is embarrassed on top of angry but I do know that this is not the life he chose to be living. He is choosing to live it with me, through better and worse, but I wonder frequently how much more of this he can take.

Watching the pain in his eyes each day, watching the lack of a life, suck the life right out of my once energetic husband is so painful, he is always there for me when I am needing him, and I am not able to be there for him. I can't go to the home shows that he loves to walk through, I get to tired. I can't do all the things we used to do together, as the activity may hurt me worse. My life has become the life of prevention and protection don't do anything that will cause me to be worse the next day, don't do anything where I might fall, don't do anything where someone might bump into me, don't sit up to long, don't, don't, don't, don't......

How much of that can some one live with? I wonder how much of that I can live with. I always am waiting for tomorrow, because its gotta be better than today! I look forward to the hope of someday. Since I am not able to live like I want to today, maybe someday, maybe tomorrow. So each day I wake up with the hope of living. I wonder for myself how much longer I am going to be able to do that.

I can't imagine with what I see in Jason's eyes, how much more of this he can. It is breaking my heart.

I have had quite the time lately physically, as well as emotionally, I have been finding many good people and businesses too, I will talk about that aspect later. I love my man, I am thankful for my service dog Luka, and I am proud of myself that I have made it this far, it would have been much easier to have given up.

SuRpRisEs & SuNsHiNe!

Waking up today was a pleasant experience. My awesome guy, had a perfect egg, cheese, and canadian bacon slice inside of a hot and toasty english muffin on a tiny little plate in his hand this morning when he woke me up. He had just gotten home from work, and made this lovely creation. This is the second time this week he did this for me, the last time was exactly a week ago, last Sunday, Febuary 15th the day after I spent the night in the ER.

Kudo's to Jason for starting this Sunday off on a perfect note. I am doing lots better, I am now able to walk on my own, exept for when I get tired or the pain gets to great. I have been trying not to take the pain meds, as the more I take of them the worse my tummy feels. And as bad as the pain is the nausea and stomach cramping can make it all so much worse.

I am very happy the past two days I have gotten out of the house, Friday was therapy and Dr. visit day, that went pretty well. Thank You God for my awesome massage therapist! He made some of the swelling in my back and neck dissipate! Then it was off to see my pain management Dr. since all of the scan's, x-rays, and mri's showed no additional damage, I just have more soft tissue damage to deal with. For me this stuff takes forever to get under control.

The Dr's visit took forever... he was unusually behind that day, we waited for two hours to be seen and then he spent the shortest amount of time he ever had with me, as there were some patients who were in worse shape, and who were making much more noise than I was. He covered the bases, with my refil's and he moved on to the next person.

I had hoped that he would suggest to make another trip to see the Dr. who does the injections in my neck, but after the massage therapist and only a week of misery, I didn't push the issue. He was sending me back to Physical Therapy so hopefully that would do the trick!

Yesterday, my teenage friend and I went to see her grandparents, she hadn't seen them since she moved in with us except at Christmas. They had found out she was no longer living at home and realized that they hadn't been in touch with her much. It was a nice visit, I was feeling rough, but wanted to be there to support her. I took a pain pill before we left and another after we got there, she helped me get in the house and in leaving the med's were working and all she did was hold my hand as she helped me back to the car.

The drive was great, they don't live that far away but just getting out of my house and heading a different direction than normal was just fabulous! Since she has been so busy with her life, we hadn't had much time to get caught up, so the drive was nice. She is doing better and better, Jason and I are excited that she is starting to have the desire to focus on some things that are going to benefit her in the future, and we really can't wait to see her make some of her goals a reality!

We are going to be working on getting her graduation announcements done, and mailed in the next few weeks. She is getting exicted. She is also looking for a new job, I think she will even be doing some volunteer work in the meantime. How great is that! She might even have the time to drive me around a bit more so I can get some things done while Jason is busy with other things! Woo Hoo, I just need to keep getting stronger so I can start going out and doing errands again!

So, today, is another day in bed I fear, I've been icing my back and neck all night and this morning the main pain in my neck hasn't subsided, so I will be trying to pitter around the house some, and rest some, and if my luck holds out I just may get a walk around the block in! More would be great, but I will be thrilled to feel good enough to even be on the couch instead of my bed!

I haven't been having many migraines lately, which is so frustrating, as the weather hasn't been doing much fluctuating, and hope my body aches will heal enough before the spring rains start that I can have several more feeling good days. I really think a move to Arizona or New Mexico or South Texas would be a great idea! Jason is even warming up to the idea, who know's what we would do, but since traveling to Brazil I really could live well with out going through these cold winters, and Jason sure hates seeing me suffer, so he is up for a change as well. Now, if only he could find a Lateral Transfer Position!

So, Luka has been getting a little antsy, my service dog, who has been cooped up with me this whole time. I am hoping that Jason and our teen age friend and her boyfriend, will take him out for a good healthy walk this afternoon. I haven't been using him, I am too weak to hang on to him, and since he is a hundred pounds I don't need a cat to walk around the corner and freak him out! He's doing so much better, but I still need some muscles to be stronger before he and I will be safe together.

He has been great around the house with me though, he loves lying in bed with me when I don't feel well, and he is always near just in case I would need to lean on him for support. When I get on the floor he will come over and let me climb on him to get back up, and since I learned that he knows more helpful tricks, I will be working on those with him when I am stronger.

Jason's folks surprised us with a visit this week, they were up and out with some Dr. visits of their own, and had enough time to swing by! How cool was that! We sure don't get to see them enough as we would like. I wasn't exactly up ad at'em the day they came, I was still only able to be comfortable laying flat on my back, but with a little extra medication, I was able to sit up in the living room with them for a bit. I don't think I added much to the conversation, but I do remember that I enjoyed listening to them talk and getting caught up with what's going on with everyone else. When they left he shared that they had left some of his dad's BBQ pork, Jason raves about this each time he has it and it is a meal that I like too, it really can fill me up fast! Jason was stoked, he really enjoyed the visit, and it gave him a bright spot to his crummy week! One of his brothers even called him later that day! It was awesome! I love seeing him happy!

The great thing is, that I have had some Mary Kay orders, I might even have a new MK client! Jason has been great about getting those things packed up and delivered! Thanks Susan, Joyce, Kara, Susan, Jill, Pat, I think there were even a few more of you too!

I got a quick visit this week from my friend Jen, who I was able to give her some things I had for her, and she brought the most wonderful gift over for us! A cooler of treats! Jason this past week was Jason's vacation from work, and who wants to spend their vacation getting hit in a car wreck and then caring for and watching your wife suffer with more pain. This wrecked his time off. So when she came with her cooler of goodies, it was both a blessing and a surprise! It had Jason running around the house excitedly showing me the bag of M&M's the grilling supplies, the ruben materials, and more! The one thing he forgot to share with me was the homade brownie's that she had brought, thankfully she told me about those before she left... Sneaky Sneaky Sneaky Jason!!!

I've decided to give up on most of my shopping in stores, I will miss that so much! I love looking and touching all of the things I am interested in. Well, I used to love it. It mostly overwhelms me and wears me out now. I will have to do it for some clothing items and things that I am not so sure about, but for the most part I have decided to bite the bullet and shop online. I think it will be much better for me, I won't feel as tired, and I can then have more time to spend with people instead of wasting my energy on searching for things in stores! So if anyone has any favorite online shopping sites, PLEASE share them with me!

Jason shared this morning that the weather this next week would be getting nicer again! Wow, I can't wait, the last nice day we had I spent the afternoon in the back yard in a chair just soaking in the sun! Ozzie our foxhound, Shelby our newly rehomed foster dog, and Luka my service dog, got to hang out and enjoy the sun with me! It was grand!

I am sure looking forward to that again soon! I always feel better after having a little sunshine! I sure hope that where ever you are when you are reading this that you are able to get yourself a little sunshine too!!

BrEaKfaSt WaS gReaT!

We ate breakfast mmMm it was good! The truck stop ended up having a nice buffet that morning, and we had the pleasure of having a little of this and a little of that! We had a great day, I took a nice long nap in the afternoon. The following day was full of visits therapy, and a Mary Kay visit where I got to help one of my favorite people find a shade that makes her feel great! I had a great day! We got home just in time to watch the deep pillows of snow be scooped from our street.

Valentine's Day was a day I had been looking forward to, when you are married to a man who's job is protecting other's lives and property, who's usually working on every holiday. I say it doesn't matter, in reality it sometimes does, more so now than it did before, what day he works or what day he doesn't. Before I could get in the car and go spend the day with him at work or where ever else I would want, even stay home, which I often did, as the actual holiday didn't have much going on for our family, and I would use it to do a party at someone else's holiday, still getting to celebrate having been give the great gift of extending my family, or maybe I would spend the day at home getting caught up on paperwork or rest.

Now holiday's at least most of them he has had the privilege of working over the past four years, for various reasons, everyone out of his control whether to have the day off or not. I spend them pretending that they aren't really holiday's.

Valentine's Day was different this year, not only did he have the day off, I was feeling well, and I had made plans! Granted they weren't all roses, and champagne but hey they were plans and they were ours!

Woo Hoo, we were off! Have you ever heard of wheelchair basket ball? We are fans of that! We had a great home town guy plugged in to a tournemant and we were delighted to see his game! The game was great, fun and exciting all the things you could ask for! I had to take some extra meds as I was feeling the strain of my physical limitations, but hey, it was all caught early and I was feeling great, tired but great, after the game we headed off to try and find a movie, but gave in to our tummies and made a stop at Taco Bell, gotta love Taco Bell, not exactly the most romantic but we both love their food, so it fit! Perfect for us.

We headed off toward home, we decided to rent some movies and then see about spending the rest of our Valentine energy for later in the day it was only the middle of the afternoon. I was so happy, we were having a super great day, no worries, and plans of lots of fun! Guess when the most whipped cream is purchased? You guessed it, Valentine's Day, I know most people think Thanksgiving.

We were headed down the street, since I can't drive I was just sitting and enjoying the ride. Thinking about what movie's we might be going to watch, (we'd stopped renting movies due to budgetary constraints) I was so excited! We were splurging! It had been so long, I even had trouble coming up with a "want to see list".

Traffic wasn't slow but it wasn't fast either, we were out on the road with many others, who I think were also getting ready to head to their Valentine Day festivities. Who would have thought it but someone was paying more attention to something other than driving her car and where she was going, Jason tried to warn me, but it happened too fast, that girl ran in to the car behind us and they slammed in to us, the car we had been stopped behind made the turn, thank goodness we were far enough back from them to not cause another chain reaction.

Our jeep fared the best, of course, Jeeps are tough especially those bumpers! Jason had gone out to explore, I sat there in shock and the course of events happened follow most any accident protical, the police, the reports etc.

As far as accident's go this one was pretty minor, had I not been in one of the car's there may not have been any one hurt. Geesh, dumb girl PAY ATTENTION TO WHERE YOU ARE GOING!

I DO NOT ENJOY SITTING IN BED HURTING FOR DAYS ON END!!!!

I DO NOT ENJOY IV'S!

I DO NOT ENJOY GETTING RADIATION RADIATED INTO MY BODY OVER AND OVER AND OVER! Wondering if this is the time that the bones in my neck broke. Or more muscles or ligaments are ripped.

I DO NOT ENJOY NOT BEING ABLE TO LIFT MY LEFT ARM AND MY LEFT LEG! LAYING THERE THINKING I WAS GOING TO BE PARALIZED! IT ISN'T FUN!

I DO NOT ENJOY WATCHING MY INCREDIBLE HUSBAND TURN TO MUSH OVER ALL OF THE BAD THOUGHTS GOING THROUGH HIS MIND OF WHAT I NOW WON'T BE ABLE TO DO!

I have a hard enough time walking now, I have a hard enough time getting out of bed now, I have a hard enough time doing daily household chores now. Jason has a hard enough time picking up the pieces, driving me everywhere, doing all that I can't do and being all that I can't be. He doesn't need me to be hurt more, to be in bed more, to have more medical bills to figure out how to pay for.

AND IT ISN'T FUN ANY TIME! BUT ON VALENTINE'S DAY???? COME ON!

COME ON PEOPLE!!!! PAY ATTENTION!


Ok, so I have vented! I would have never imagined the frustration we have gone through had you asked me a short five years ago. I don't write this as a complaint, please understand, I write these things to be able to get these frustrations off of my mind, out of my heart and so that I can move on. I can't be dwelling on these things, as the thoughts come through my mind I am able to get them out and written down, and I stop thinking of them and don't dwell on them.

This past week depression has set in, and it has been so hard to stay out of it, I have to fight every day to stay positive, and I have to fight every day to stay focused on what I have and what I can do. And for each of those things I am grateful! I know there are so many out there who have things worse, who have life harder, who've gone through more and who can do less.

I and we are very fortunate! I am very very aware of this! I am grateful, and in order to be grateful, I have to have a safe place to put all of the things that don't belong in the daily activities of my mind.

This also gives those in my life a place to go to understand me, what is going on with me and maybe an opportunity to be grateful for what they have in their lives as well.

I am grateful, the swelling went down and I began to regain the use of my left arm and leg. I am walking on my own now after five days of needing constant assistance, the swelling in my neck is slowly going down and today, I had my first good day since the Valentine's Day Car Accident.

It is hard for me to share the bad things that I am going through, having been trained and taught to only share the good and the positive. Four years ago, Jason and I hid what had happened, not out of shame but out of a desire to not "infect" the lives of those around us with the negitivity.

What we found was a whole lot of isolation, a whole lot of anger, and a whole lot of lonely struggle, that no one understood. Still to this day, people in our lives are just finding out about the changes that have gone on in our lives. If you are one of those people, this is one of the reason's that we are sharing our story.

Not for pitty, but for understanding. So when I say I can't do that, or I can't lift that, you don't look at me like I am lazy or trying to not do my part. Because I do look the same as I always have. If you don't want to do something for me, just tell me, or don't offer. I usually don't ask.

But do realize that there are others out there like me, they deserve your compassion, these people work harder at getting dressed everyday than you do most days at work. You see someone who is struggling with something, whether it be a math problem, negotiating the stairs, stuttering through a sentence, having to take the long way around in their wheelchair, someone who has a screaming child, or someone who isn't as clean as you think they should be, HAVE SOME UNDERSTANDING! Offer a kind smile, and teach that to your kids!

You never know, tomorrow, that person could be you or someone you love, and you go through the rest of your life "teaching others" to be nicer, more compassionate, more patient! It could be you, I surely hope it isn't!

InsOmNiaC!

Gotta love insomnia, I had a hard time falling asleep last night, not the worst night by far, but just a little difficult. However, waking up, like WIDE AWAKE around 2:30-3:00 AM is not my idea of fun. I woke up starving, ( I had just eaten at 10 pm the night before ) I tried to sleep to no avail, finally I decided to just get up, get something for my tummy, make the rounds of the house, sit on the couch and watch the nothing ness of town go by my big living room window. I went back to bed around 5:00am thinking I had done what I could to get back to sleep, lay there for a while, with out feeling at all sleepy, so started to Facebook. (yeah, I am addicted!)

Thank goodness for Facebook, since I am no longer out and about seeing everyone in person, and meeting new people at doctors offices is SOOOOO exciting. I have really loved staying in touch with those I used to see regularly, and finding others whom I had lost contact with years ago.

Finally around 6:30am I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. Jason had woken up! Whoopie! I started chatting like mad, to my half asleep hubby. (he is the early riser) I had just told him the day before, how if he felt like making breakfast in the morning that I would be happy to wake up and eat what he had made. Since, I am not at all a morning person, and he so definately is.

Perfect I thought! He is going to LOVE my idea and bounce right up out of bed... not quite, Mr. Sleepy was needing a bit more beauty sleep... so I got ready for our morning out at the local truck stop while he caught some more zzzzzz's. He is up now and ready to go, he has even started the Jeep so it will be warm when we hop in for our ride out of town. Luka is ready to go, not at all sure of what is happening, since I am NEVER UP this early. Hee Hee!!

Well, gotta go, the eggs and bacon await!

PaNtinE i LoVe It!

Ok, so soft hair, well in the whole scheme of things it really doesn't matter I am sure. At least not a great amount. But for me lately it does, it may sound funny but I have been struggling with hair products for sometime now. I know, I know, another vain thing I have to talk about. Aside from almost just whacking all of my hair off to some short style or keeping it in a pony tail constantly I was struggling with what to do. The conditioner that I had been using the company stopped making it. It really did make all the difference. I am blonde you see, and with out the right hair products, my hair can really cause me problems.

My hair has always tangled easily, really easily, I do have very long hair now, for the simple fact that going to the salon since the accident has caused me a great deal of pain to have them messing with my head, I really felt bad after having gone to the stylist. I would be in bed for days, so I just stopped going. I used to go to the salon all the time, my hair styles changed it seemed with the days of the week.

I had had long hair before we got married, in fact Jason did too, (hee hee) I enjoyed having different styles. Jason used to have to brush it out every day, I couldn't hold my arms up to do it after the accident, I couldn't blow dry it on my own or fix it. FRUSTRATING! It's gotten better, for the most part, I still have a hard time doing it but it is so much easier.

So all this time I've been trying to find products that make my hair look nice all day long, I used to get my hair colored and highlighted it gave it that extra glow or a change. Now, that would mean a trip to the salon, or holding my arms up that much longer, not my idea of a good time. So, I have gone back to being ny natural self, not that there is anything at all wrong with that, I just have hair that when you don't use the "Perfect" products on it it looks like I haven't washed it in days. ICKY!

So, I have gotten by, there are lots of things out there I have tried, and I've been happy not extatic about them but happy. I had finally found a conditioner that didn't freak out my hair but evidently I was the only one in the USA that felt that way, because the company no longer makes it. So I had asked Jason to take me shopping to Alco while we were on our regular trip out to our friends home. I was hoping to find something inexpensive to tide me over, I had forgotten my hair products at home, and was having really bad hair. If we had to go find something in a salon I would but, I sure didn't want to spend more money on expensive things that won't work as good as I hoped. So, I followed those commercials on TV, the ones with all of the beautiful girls who have the beautiful long hair and bought Pantene. I got the conditioner, the shampoo, and I also got some Suave stuff that stops the frizz! The combination is PERFECT! My hair not only looks good it FEELS GOOD! Woo Hoo!!!!

I am so happy!

It is amazing what the right hair products can do for a gal!

So I haven't written in a while, not because things haven't been going well or that they have been going so well that I haven't had time... I broke our teenage friend's computer while trying to update it. Well, broke may be the wrong word, but it is all gummed up and not cooperating that is for sure. We've taken it in to Best Buy spent about $80 for them to do nothing to fix it but to tell us that we need to completely reload everything! $80 I think we got ripped off, oooh, I forgot, they gave us this FANCY folder with "The Geek Squad" written all over it. So two days and $80 later? Nothing fixed and my guilt leval is rising rappidly.

My massage therapist recommended a friend that had helped him with his computer and he was very pleased. So we are trying him too. So far so good, we will pick up the computer on Saturday. It is running now, the guilt is dissipating.

COMPUTERS!!!! AAAAAAAGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


Making me CRAZY! So thankfully Jason's computer has been holding out, as slow as it is it works! Woo Hoo! I wish I knew more about this computer stuff, I am self taught, I am learning more but I am sure not learning it fast enough.

As far as the new medication I've been trying, things as far as I can tell are going well. I definately have an easier time thinking, it makes it easier for me to be a better wife, friend, and person in general. I am not nearly as foggy! It almost seems as if this medication is helping my body pump more blood to my brain... and my hands and feet. My hands and feet are not nearly as cold, as they have been, they still do get cold, but not nearly so, and sometimes they are even warm. I have more energy, not huge amounts of it, but I just feel better, and I think some of the best news besides the foggie's being gone, is the fact that I haven't been dizzy at all! I am amazed, in fact I find myself reaching to steady myself all the time, after four plus years of a constant woozy feeling to a down right spinning sensation at moments, this new clarity is taking some time to get used to.

I am not pushing myself to any great limits, but I am doing as much as I can in regular amounts of action. I am still getting tired. But not quite as fast as before. Today I took a nap in the afternoon, and I feel great this evening, I am waking up in the morning fairly early taking the pill, and then I've been having a good time getting going with things, much easier than before. I could never seem to wake up.

So all in all, I think the medication is doing exactly what the Dr. hoped it would do! I at least hope so because I am feeling so much better. Wish the Dr. would figure out what would make the pain go away.

My migraines are still here, I still get wobbly when I get them, and my vision and all of that are still the same. I had really hoped that they would go away too, or at least be diminished, but that seems to not be the case.

Today was good, our teenage friend has had some changes this week (for the better we hope). She has started going to school only one hour a day, which is all that she needs to finish high school with. She has been doing well with that shift and she is gone for the weekend with her friends. There is more to the story than this of curse but since it is not about me I am choosing not to write about it here. We'll see how it goes, we sure hope it helps her stay on track and maybe get some things working out for her for the better.

Since I last wrote, my Mary Kay business has been doing well, I have had quite a few client's ordering! What a blessing that has been, I even got some new clients! This makes me feel so good. I love playing with makeup, and helping women choose things that make them feel better. When I look better, I sure feel better, I think the majority of people feel that way. I sure had fun! I think they did too!

I was also able to get some cleaning done in our home today, that felt fabulous! I love it when everything is clean and organized, while everything isn't done, it sure is better than it was. I am happy about that!

I even had some friends stop by today, they brought me suchi! I LOVE SUCHI!! I loved the visit! It was so great to have them stop by! What a gift!

I mAdE iT!

Waking up this morning, proved to be not as difficult as I had imagined. However, I did have to take a migraine pill along with the new one. The important things of the day, were the migraine pill worked, and I had enough energy to go shopping for a couple of hours, and then come home to rest. I have been pretty sore and tired today, but all in all a good day. I really did over do it yesterday, but would do it all over again, having a day like that was so worth it and I am so happy to know that I did not waste it.

Pretty much these days, I just click along doing regular things, not adding to much in to my day, not pushing myself a whole lot, just a little. The days go by and I am able to accomplish things a little at a time. Not to bad. But every once in a while a good day comes along with a burst of energy or less pain than average, and all of those things that you have been really looking at doing but just did not have the energy for seem possible.

I am not talking about rock climbing or running a marathon or anything but I might as well be. The people that do those train for months to perform those tasks... and similarly, all of those day's that I just steadily perk along seem to be the training I need for those one in a million days that come along. On those day's where I am just clicking along, doing the regular simple things, I am also planning and preparing, for the days where I will feel better. I lay things out, make lists, get organized, little by little, and then when the time arrives I am able to do those bigger things that need to be done.

Like making those curtains. I set up my area, gathered ideas, measured the space, made lists of supplies, on the day's where Jason was available to help, I would ask him to move any heavy items that I needed adjusted... then on a day I felt better, Jason took Luka and I to the fabric store, that had the best sale, and he helped me pick out the colors. I had already envisioned the general color, but finding something suitable is not always the best, and since he is living here with me I thought I would choose the fabric's that would work and he could help me narrow the choices down. It worked well, and he was able to carry all of those heavy bolts of fabric around for me. Until he could not take the estrogen levals of the fabric store any longer and I was left to my own devices.

Things seem to take so long for me to do them now. I mean, before I would just be able to focus and knock a project out in a short amount of time. The process I go through now is so deliberate, so planned orgainized, stratagized... I have to take schedules, logistics, cash flow, weather, and more factors in to concideration now, where before I did everything with deliberate action but more off of my cuff.

While I have finished one curtain for one window, I have several more to get done. I have everything packed and orgaized, the thread colors are matched, the patterns are packed the needles are organized, for my trip out west so Jason can fill in at the hospital, and we will stay with our friends for the week.

My friend, Jen, whom I have always done cooking projects, quilting projects, and more with, who we've always hung out with both her and her hubby is an inspiration, and she is a great motivator, as a person who enjoy's always being busy doing something just like me. While she has always been the more deliberate, and definately the instruction reader and follower, she has been my teacher when it came to the more complicated tasks... I more enjoy doing than figuring... thank goodness for friends. I can toss stuff together with out an exact pattern, I just visualize it and start... We are both good for each other, I give her creative options to the "directions" and she gives me directions for my "creativitiy".

My sister is like my friend Jen too, it is funny, how we collect people around us similar to each other. There are so many parallels in life.

On another note, there are also things, and people that make you stretch, make you try harder, who's symbiotic relationship may never develop into an easy going melodic rythem. You may thrive on the differences, and use each other to push the boundries, and who you always seem to be uncomfortable around, and you may even wonder if there is a mutual appriciation for each other. But you find that you are a better person for being around them, and no real harm is being caused, just simple uncomfortability. Uncomfortable is healthy I think, and pushing yourself to do better to be more to become more aware and more tollerant, is deffinately a good thing.

It's just the hard thing.

While being orgainzed and deliberate are not things I was born good at doing, or even really stressed during my childhood, I now find the skills nessessary and while I've been resistant over the years to adapt these atributes to my daily life, over the years as my Mary Kay business progressed, so did my skills in these area's. Thank goodness for that, while these things are not innate to who I am they are things I have had to learn out of friction in my life. Prompted by those who are different than me and knew better than me especially in these areas.

So, each day you work with what you've got and you work to improve yourself, you realize that it never ends, once you've improved one thing there is something else to work on. I guess that is half the fun. I never know what's going to come next, of course I would like to live like the Cleaver family as everything seemed so simple, so cut and dry, friction so easily resolved, and mistakes never repeated. I however am not the Cleaver's I wasn't rasied by them either... but I do admire the persistant principaled approach to problem solving, that the Cleavers presented. The willingness to do the correct thing even in the face of advirsity, and even when it wasn't easy.

The right thing feels right, it sometimes hurts, after doing it, you feel no remorse or guilt. Your concience is clear and you can breathe long clean breaths.

Make no assumption that I am perfect or that I am even striving for that, I just make a good solid effort to do things to the best of my ability, to not do something less than I am capable, whether it be the laundry, the dishes, or doing a makeover on Miss. Brasil before a large event. Each of those things are the same, each of those things are just as important every thing you do is important. It should be or you shouldn't be doing it. And if it is worth doing it it is worth seing it through.

I feel good if I've put my dish in the sink some day's, because that is all I could do, there is no shame in that. I made it to the sink with my dish I chose to do my best!

SpArKLinG cLaRiTy

Today as I sit here and write this, I am amazed at how much easier it is for me to think. I know this won't sound understandable to those who've not walked this journey with me, but today was so much easier to process my thoughts. It was like before the accident, except for the aching pains that I still have in my body, but my energy level was good, I was able to talk and process my thoughts clearly. WoW, I sure hope this day wasn't a fluke.

I hate to think that a little pill could do this for me but, I don't know what else it could be. I have had good days before, but this day seemed different, not only did I have more energy today, but my brain fog lifted! OMG!!! I loved today! I did get tired and have to take breaks, I did start to get very sore in my neck and back and did have to stop moving, but instead of sitting in bed watching tv or sleeping, I sat propped up and talked on the phone!!!!!!

Ok, so I used to be a phone junky! Yep, on the phone every spare moment of the day, talking to people, friends, family, clients, people I had yet to become friends with... & since the accident this has been very hard for me to do, it always took so much more of my concentraton to stay with the conversation, that I would get tired so fast, but not today!

So, I am holding out hope that I will feel good again tomorrow, I am holding out hope that even if the pain persists, I will have enough energy, and a clear enough head to deal with it.

Oh, how I pray for this to be true. I have my doubts as well, so many things I have tried, and so many things have not worked, so many, so many hopes burst, and so much time and money spent to get better. I guess that is why I am writing this at 3:26 AM. I am afraid to go to sleep and wake up with my crummy world back again.

Today, I woke up and took my new medication early this morning, I woke up again with a headache, not a migraine, different, this one was like the one's I used to get before, the one's I had always gotten, just right in the front of my forehead, not the one's that make my whole body ache, and sear with pain. I took a couple of Excedrine Tension just for precautionary measures as I hadn't slept very good that night I was very tired yet and went back to sleep. I woke up later, and noticed I didn't want to stay in bed.

Fine with me the less time I spend in bed the better! While this is my most comfortable it is my least favorite and most boring place to be. I like to be in this room the least because it is where I have spent the most time these last four plus years.

We'll I have lots more to say, but my fingers just managed to delete the other paragraphs I had written. To write them again would serve no purpose, since in my mind those words had already been said. And while I really don't want to go to bed in case this was just a fluke... and I will wake up feeling like crap again and not be able to think... I hesitate, as I want to enjoy this moment and enjoy my mind not all clouded over. But I am getting sleepy, and my fingers keep wrecking my words as I type as fast as I can to share what I am thinking.

I will end this post with one of the most amazing things that I saw today. About 2:30 am this morning, I walked into my living room and just took a moment to look out the window. ( I do this allot, I really don't look at any thing in particular, I just really like to see out side the walls of my home) outside was the most glorious view. It looked like glitter being sent to me from heaven. Everything outside was covered in the blanket of the sparkliest snow I have ever seen. The crystals of ice just transformed the outside of my home and my street in to the most glorious celebration. The street light's warm glow added to the amazement, the light shown on each falling flake and caused it to light up and spread sparkling joy as it floated toward the bed of snow on the street. And with it being 2 am there has been no traffic for hours, and the perfection of the picture, just gave me chills, and thrills. I can't stop smiling, and I will remember the glistening flakes for years to come.

A sparkling end to a clarifying day. And it is now time for me to say good night, sweet dreams, and I pray that tomorrow will bring more clarity.

sLeEp, BaD dReAm.

Waking up today was not pleasant at all, actually all night long I was waking up. I am not sure what time I started but it had to be three or four am. I usually try not to look at the clock, but after continued sporadic bouts of sleep, I saw the number six on the clock. I hate that feeling, I know that so many others struggle with this too! Oddly enough except for the rare occasion before my auto accident, I was the best sleeper.

While watching Oprah today, I heard the topic of artificial hormone treatments being helpful for many my age. While I am pretty sure that this isn't my issue, (I'd been tested and tried that stuff years ago) I think I will ask to be tested again.

With the addition to my life of the Absolutely No Driving Rule for me, the Dr. has prescribed a weird treatment for me to see if it will stop the dizziness, for those of you who've known me for years, not the dizziness I was born with, the blond kind but the actual vertigo, head spinning, legs failing kind. Jason was able to finally pick up the prescription today. He has to measure my blood pressure every day and record it. The goal is to raise my very low blood pressure to see if it helps with my being dizzy. I would sure love to feel better, and definitely stop falling, and those horrible feelings of not knowing where the ground really is. I would love to know that I was safe to drive, so I could drive again!

So for two weeks I will be on this medication, and then I will add another medication to that in the evening that will help me sleep, at least that is my understanding. My Dr. is trying something different for me because the things that would normally be used to raise one's blood pressure are a very bad idea for me so he won't let me use the regular methods.

Geepers, why is my body so peculiar? Oh, well it is what it is. We will see how it goes!

Jason got home this morning, woke me up before leaving again, he was just home long enough to change clothes drop our teenager off to school and run to his appointment to get his Jeep fixed, for the second day in a row of his free days. When he woke me up I could hardly move I had taken some migraine medication earlier, and it had not worked. By the way, I really wonder, when you get your medication and they have it in those "child proof" containers, believe me I understand the need for that, but at SIX AM, you have a migraine, you have arthritis in your hands and shoulders, and you can't see, OMG! Misery! I can't tell you how many times I have prayed that the container open and this morning was no exception. I managed to get the container open dig the tiny pill out of the package it was sealed in only to drop it, all of this using my sence of touch, I found the pill on the bed and took it. Only later to wake up after Jason left to take some stronger medication and have to pray that container open as well.

I really need better pill containers. I have no small children, and this is just ridicules! So now that I have been sleeping and medicating the day away, I am finally feeling better, not great but better.

I haven't really accomplished anything other than getting the dogs fed, getting a Mary Kay order placed in my mail box for Amy to pick up, and making some pasta for lunch, but I am happy I was able to do all of those things on my own. I am grateful for that.

I have got such great clients, Jason just mailed Gayle's order today, he will deliver Kristy's order tomorrow, and I am loving the ability to still do that! It is so fun to get an order via email, or a great phone call/voicemail, or face book message with what someone is needing or wanting to try, as well as stay caught up with what great things are going on in their life. That keeps me going! When I am feeling better I am dreaming of getting an event together here at home that will invite everyone in to hang out and play makeup or just have some great conversation.

Our teenage friend, has a friend who is also going through a rough time, and I am going to help her have some great Senior Pictures! We will plan several days that we can get together, and I will do her hair and makeup and take her pictures! I am really working to get my computer fixed ASAP! I will need it to edit her pictures, that software is on that computer, and we don't have another that will hold it. So with that project in front of me I know that something will happen soon, to get it to all fall together. I've been saving to get things fixed and soon I will be set! I am so excited.

I am also, working on another project for myself as well. I have begun the search for Luka's replacement. As he is an older large dog, he won't be able to continue helping me to the degree that I need for much longer and it can take up to two years to find a match for another trained service dog, I am in the planning stages. Not to mention the cost of getting another one. So I am in the process of working all of that out.

I am giving myself an education. Surprisingly all that I knew before about service dogs was that they could go everywhere, they were trained and I shouldn't touch them. While all of this is true the information about where to find trainers and more information was harder to find. Thanks to the Internet for this! You really can find out almost anything.

So, curtains, getting evaluated to work again, stopping the vertigo, finding another service dog, helping make a girl's senior pictures fabulous, servicing my great Mary Kay Clients, keeping my marriage strong, my friends close, helping our teenage friend, fostering dobermans, and doing as much housework and physical activity as I can. Hmmm, really that isn't bad. I sit here sometimes and think I am not able to do anything, but when I list it out, I really I am able to do quite allot.

Before I drove everywhere, and while I am holding out hope that the medications will work so I can drive again, the thought of not being able to breaks my heart. I loved to drive, I loved to be free to get out and see anyone at anytime. To make trips back to see my mom while she was receiving cancer treatment, to drive home to visit my grandmother once a week to rub her feet and paint her nails, to see client's when they needed me, and to see my sisters and friends when ever I wished. It was so wonderful. My trips in the car would clear my head allow me to focus and I also attended Mary Kay University in the car, listening to training CD's over and over.

I was able to drive in to see Jason at work on holidays, or really anytime I wanted, and now while other's families go to the fire station to see their spouse he spends the day with out visitors and I spend the day alone. While holiday's are really just other days, watching everyone else having fun with their families, has got to be difficult for him, and answering the question "Is your family coming?" With the word No, just has to leave a lump in his throat. It certainly does in mine.

Today, realizing that while he went to get his car fixed, I realized that he had no one to pick him up and take him home if the car needed to stay overnight. I was no longer going to provide that security for him. It breaks my heart. I feel as if I am waking up from a nightmare.

I can only hold out hope that things will work out. HOPE!

DaY 2 dAy!

As the day started very early for me as I stayed up to finish talking to our teenage friend. After some sleep and the start of my day for real, I woke up feeling reasonably good! Woo Hoo! I love that! Yesterday, I had planed to go in to the city with Jason to run errands, he had gotten home and was on a mission to fix his Jeep. When I woke up I was not feeling the best so I took some medication and slept a bit more, which was cramping his plans, so off he went on his own. Much better, if I had asked him to wait for me, which he would have "happily" done. The day would be one of stress-filled angst as we went from place to place. Sometimes a guy just needs some time on his own to do the things he needs to do. So after he finished his list he called and shared he was on his way home, and I asked him to run some of the errands on my list. Which he HAPPILY did! Much better! I ended up getting up around 10 am or so and for the day after having woken up at 6:30 with our teenager, and then at 8 am with him checking on me... so I was really happy with my speedy recovery! 10 am PERFECT! I still had the whole day to myself, now I don't really know that I did that much yesterday, but I did get some things done online to get caught up, and a few things around the house, I was busy on the phone, and I even walked 2 blocks to City Hall for a Relay for Life meeting. I was pretty tired after that but we delivered a MK order to Kristy and grabbed some food at the Legion's fundraiser before coming home. Where we met up with our teenager and her aunt after her Dr's visit, and errand running.

Since she's been feeling ill this whole week and hasn't gone to school, she went to the Dr... with out going much into that, we are worried about her mental and physical health as well as her finishing out her senior year! Senior Year's should be fun! At least some fun... she doesn't seem to be able to take advantage of that aspect, or at least hasn't been able to so far...

She is here again today, trying the things the Dr. suggested. I sure hope they can get things figured out for her!

While the trivial aspects of my life go on and on, I wonder how important is what I am doing? What more could I be doing? I did put a call in to the state agency that helps people with disabilities get re tooled and into work. I have an appointment with them next month. I had called before, but I just wasn't ready, so I am going to try again.

Luka is relaxing in the sun shining through the window, Ozzie is driving me nuts, Shelby is busy with a bone. I found out this week where Luka was trained, I spoke with the lady, and we are going to meet. I am starting the process soon of getting another dog trained for me since he is 7-8 years old already and they usually retire at 10 years old, so with taking one to two years to get a dog trained specifically for me, I need to have a plan in place and start raising/saving some money to cover the costs.

Shelby who has been living with us as a foster dog,,, www.doberescue-ne.org has gotten some good news too! She is going to be adopted! Feburary 7th! At least that is the current plan. I am so excited for her. We will certainly miss her but she needs a home where she can be more active! It sounds as if her new home will treat her like royalty, which is perfect for her since she prances around like a princess! It has been a long haul for her, but I think her forever home has finally arrived!

Ozzie, being 14 has it's privledges, as well as it's downside. He is definately getting up there in years, and has been slowing down, he has lumps everywhere, but seemingly is determined to make it through each day with all that he can cram in to it. He is wanting to be loved on more, and certainly sleeps his fair share, but is still always excited about a cat in the yard.

I love having their company it helps my day go so much better, they are always there for me, needing me, no matter how I feel or how I look, and somedays in both cases it is pretty bad! But hey, I am making it through!

I am looking forward to our montly trip out of town for one of Jason's other jobs later this month, I have plans to work on those curtains today, and I hope that some how I can get an order mailed, with my computer being down, my stamps.com connection is gone, and printing postage from home isn't possible. So I was hoping that our teenager would be well enough to drive me to do some errands today, but with her staying home from school again, that is out of the question.. So Gayle, your MK order will be coming soon! Thanks for placing it and Jason will mail it tomorrow for you I am sure!

I do plan to go out for a walk around the block today, but getting myself and Luka downtown and back is just too far to go.

Today is a gift! I am unwrapping it and seeing what it contains! I love surprises! If you are in the area, stop in! My sister just did, we spent the night watching 3 movies over the weekend when I was miserable! It made it so much better, while being miserable! We watched CHICK FLICKS!!!! I just LOVED IT! She did too!

DriViNg

So this past Friday, I was feeling so great! I had been for a few days, I was working on all sorts of things here at the house. Thursday night was just fabulous! Friday night I had let our two boys and our girl out in to the garage to do their duty, I was following them out, and Whooop! There went my legs out from under me, the next thing I knew, I am sitting with a really sore rear on my stairs in the cold garage. I assessed the situation by seeing which body parts I could move, thankfully all of them cooperated, I was definitely all shook up, my rear was killing me, I had landed on the side of the stairs, I had not held on to the rail, and my swooning legs felt like jelly. I was also mad that I fell, I had just started to have such a great week, Ok so it hadn't been perfect or anything, but I was having a great time.

I decided that I had better get situated and rest after my fall, so I went to sit in my favorite spot. Wrong choice I discovered. After sitting there for several minutes I wasn't feeling so well, I gave Jason a call and he suggested that I take some of my Darvocet... Grrr! I am avoiding that stuff. I have really been trying to not take any pills, my tummy is not happy at all! I did take them and just relaxed for a while longer, I noticed that my muscles were not cooperating, and I couldn't get myself up. It wasn't that I couldn't move, it was that I had no muscles, and I was so achy. I had to call our teenage friend and ask her to come home, as Jason wouldn't be home until the next morning. She was at a school function, but she was also the only other person with a key to get in. Lovely! I am pulling her out of her activity. GRRRR! But no choice, I am now hurting worse and can't get myself up.

She and her boyfriend came over he is a very big guy he was able to help me up, I just needed some help. But by now I am worried, all the times I have fallen I usualy don't go to the ER and the time's that I haven't I have had problems. So my nerves and pain got the best of me I called the rescue squad to come take me to the ER. Fun Fun!!! Just loved doing that, Jason was already mad that I fell, he gets so worried for us he gets angry. It makes me feel so bad for being so needy. I used to never need help. Not with construction, not with housework, definately not with driving, not with anything, not that I didn't enjoy help but I didn't NEED it.

Now I depend on him for everything! Driving, Yeah, I didn't ever drive much, I still had my licence after the accident, since it wasn't my fault I didn't even loose any points or anything. But I never drove much because I have always been on so much medication since the accident especially the first three years that it just wasn't safe to be behind the wheel allot. There were days I wasn't having to take that much but they weren't very frequent... I have never been willing to put someone else at risk by my driving when I wasn't fully capable. I noticed my bad driving ability after my accident, I don't remember when it was exactly I do remember my in ablity, and the feeling of fear I had. I stopped driving for the most part after the incident. At least trips in to the city on my own. I kept asking my Dr's about driving, they never really thought much about it, told me not to drive with medication or until hours after having taken it and that was it. I still wasn't comfortable, killing myself in an auto accident I could tollerate, hurting or killing someone else, is not something that I could handle, especially if I were doing something that wasn't safe.

Well, the point of this being I don't drive, and since my birthday, I CAN'T DRIVE ANYMORE! I no longer have a drivers licence. Since I get dizzy/vertego since the accident I filled out that form that they send to you so you can renew your licence, and since I can not lie. ( I would be guilt ridden) I checked that box. I got told that I had to get a Dr.'s explaination for my medical conditions. LOVELY! They don't share that on the form! If they had I would have gotten that taken care of before walking in to the office. I would have been prepared.

So in going to the Dr. to get things sorted out for myself to see if driving would work for me. Jason has pretty much always driven me around but now he or some one has to. What makes it worse is living in a rural area where there is no public transportation. Woo Hoo, I really had the hope of being able to drive before, but since my Dr's visit, that hope has seriously gone out the window.

I am going to try some different med's to see if this wobblyness will go away. Which I HOPE it does.

So after having a few great days, my lovely visit to the DMV, falling going to the ER, staying in bed the whole weekend, going to the Dr... and finding out that getting myself to the point where I can drive will be a long shot. ( by taking medication that I don't want to take) Am I still happy? Happy yes, content NO! I hate taking pills that upset my stomach, have side effects, cause adverse effects, but I will try! I will try and see if modern medications have the potential to help me have a more self sufficiant life, so I won't be so dependent, so that I will have choices.

I will try everything to take the burden off of Jason. While he is so great to do all that he does, it isn't right. It hurts looking in to his eyes and see the shell of the person he is because he is so exhausted and spent by constant work, constant worry, and constant caregiving.

He is my blessing, he is my rock. But how can I keep doing this to him?

Exhausted but needing to write to get these thoughts out of my mind.

RuLEs

Invincibility, I remember when this was a state of being for myself. At least in most situations, I always have been the "rule follower type".

Rules I break-
* fashion rules- who makes those anyway? If I like it I wear it! That's my philosophy, of course I look at those crazy magazines with those oh, so skinny people, but mostly I look at what Oprah wears, if she looks great in something, I might give it a go.

* cooking/baking rules- sometimes those risky behaviors just don't turn out so well. I am learning! Sifting is mandatory if it calls for sifting you MUST sift. Too much hot pepper is not a good thing, even Jason agrees with that!

* my mother's sewing rules- way to time consuming. She was perfect at everything, that is so not me! I am experimenting! She would make at least 3 trips down every seam, I understand you don't want something to ravel or come apart, but Geesh, there's gotta be an easier way!

* lie's little white one's that are for the good/benefit of someone, like a surprise party or something fun like that. I am not good at them anyway, truth is easier and always better, even if it stings a little or could get me in to trouble, I'd rather just fess up, and take the results of my actions.


Rules I don't break-
* laws- I had a sip of a wine cooler with friends on prom night and about made myself crazy thinking I was going to go to hell! Do I push the rule to the definition, YES, but don't go past, Yeeks, then I feel guilty for Weeks! Months! and YEARS!


Having a huge guilt O meter is good and bad. Good in the sense it keeps me on the straight and narrow, always has, when I have gone off course, I get back on track pretty darn quick, I just can't take it. Even if someone else is off of the track, I am compelled to let them know. I try to hold back, people learn from mistakes, I sure do. But wow is that hard to watch, I have found that even if I share with someone my experiences, in most cases they are doomed to not listen and go off making their own mistakes anyhow.

To some degree I did this too, although I sure try to pay attention to what mistakes other people find themselves making. I don't do this to judge anyone but I do this to try to learn from them BEFORE I am doing the same dumb things. I find that I have a great deal more empathy for others and way less judgment for what ever that is worth. I watch so many people keep repeating the same error's in judgment and they never seem to learn, and others are really out there trying to figure out how to do it better.

I rarely get things right on the first try, usually it takes a couple of times to do something, now it takes more effort since the accident on many occasions. I find that I am sitting down to think things through more thoroughly than before, just because if I am to put the effort into something I'd really like to do my research and set myself up to succeed before I end up with a mess.

Case and Point: I wanted to make a white sauce for spaghetti, Rachael Ray has instructions on how to do this in her cook book, so I get started with the first ingredient's things are going well, then towards the middle of her recipe, things have to get added quickly with stirring, grating, and other things. Needless to say, I should have prepped the ingredients before the cooking and adding things together began. I ended up with lumpy slightly burnt, rather yucky sauce for my meal, and I almost gave completely up.

Determined not to let this get the best of me, I made tuna sandwiches instead, and started on the same recipe a few day's later with my ingredient's prepped for entry into my sauce!

Wonderful! It is so good, and now I am not bad at making it either! Just have to plan ahead! Before, I don't think this would have been such a big deal, I was so fast at everything, I really took it for granted. Things would always work out for me with out much effort it seemed.

Things still do work out for me! I am certainly not saying that! Some things that I thought would work out haven't and I have begun to accept my limitations. But at the same time I am not going to let those limitations stop me from becoming great at other things.

So, I am going to keep my eyes and my mind open. I am right now making a plan.

InJEcTioNs & WinDoW cOvEriNgs!

While being driven around today, I was wondering if I would be up to writing today or not. For many days now I have really wanted to write, but was either not up to it or a computer was not available.

Today was the day to see the Dr. who gives my Epidural Steroid Injections. I got two today in my lower Cervical Spine (neck). I am pretty achy I must say, but I really am wanting to get something written down. This morning I woke up having fought off yet another migraine, this one lasted 36 hours I haven't been sleeping much and I woke up with migraine relief but completely exhausted. Prior to getting this migraine I had been working my butt off (fingers really) I've got lots of projects that I am working on. I am in the process of learning to do embroidery, I finished one pillow case earlier this week, I am wanting to get the matching case done as well. My first project will be officially complete after I finish that.

I am also anxious to finish a large project for my home. We've lived in our home for 10 years and really have never had "Proper" window treatments. Ok it is something that has never been that important to me, we had shades/coverings that while they did not look horrible they did not look finished. After having to get new windows, Jason mentioned to me that he would really like to have REAL curtains. So with a gift given to us at Christmas, Jason took me to the fabric store. He helped me for about 40 minutes in the store looking at some fabrics and then he had had it, so Luka finished accompaning me through out my fabric shopping experience.

I can't remember the last time that I was able to do some shopping for any length of time on my own! Jason went off to drive around town, while I finished my shopping at Hancock Fabrics, thank goodness that I had been paying attention to the sale adds! Almost everything that I needed was on sale that week! Woo HOO!

I got fabric from the remnet section for my kitchen curtains, and bedroom curtains, and then Jason had helped me choose the fabric for the living room curtains. Shopping for a pattern was next, then, I looked at the curtain rods and found some perfect ones for 60% off as well! PHEW! Ok, Ok, Yes I had never gotten curtain rods for our home. I know! Geesh, I used a few nails and had called it happy for all of these years. I thought it looked just fine, but evidently I am the only one with that opinion.

The ladies at Hancock's helped me get my selections cut! Thank goodness for their help as well! Jason came back to carry it all out, WoW, he was shocked, STICKER SHOCK! He never understood what REAL curtains would cost for us. And I had gotten almost everyting at at least 50% off! I mentioned to him on the way out of the store that that is why I had never decided to get REAL curtains before. But I also explained that this was also the reason that I was making them as when you shop for them pre made to get the ones that I would be happy with looking at for the next 10 years that they would have cost three to four times as much.

So, I have a huge project ahead of me. I have managed to get one window finished, of course I started making the curtains for the windows I didn't find curtain rods for... but Hey, I am started. I will take some pictures soon and share my projects with you.

It's not as if I don't have other things to do here, I have a list, but one thing at a time I am checking it off. My goal is to do things around the house, cooking, some cleaning, some laundry, and being present for Jason and our teenage friend with enough energy to actually be good company and keep our relationships on the right track. Since starting the curtains, I have stopped the laundry, and the cleaning, just not enough energy for it all, but I am still trying to cook when I can as I know that Jason dreads having to come up with food to make for meals.

I have been blessed to borrow our teenage friends laptop and am able to sit propped up in bed and type this all out! So much better than Jason's desk! I am just too short for his stuff. Hee hee!

Looking forward to this weekend I am excited that Jason has the opportunity to teach a great paying class, and that he gets to do it with people that he likes. I hope he enjoy's himself he even gets to stay in a hotel! While he is gone I've got my sister coming in! So Woo Hoo for me!

On another note, I have friends going to a party this weekend, it is a fundrasier, and they get to dress up in period dress. I LOVE that sort of thing! I will be thinking of them and can't wait to see their picture's and hear their stories.

Sorry Honey, tonight's meal is definately up to you! Luka and I are resting after our long day.

FriEnDsHiP

So, having not posted for a while, I am not sure where to start. Some of my days have been rather busy and some have been mostly unproductive. Just like normal I guess. These days I am doing everything I can to not take much medication. I don't know how well it is working yesterday I took no medication, I just rested and put up with the pain, but this morning brought on the migraine type pain as well, so I had to deal with that. Took some Excedrine the tension kind, it is easier on your tummy. It is helping, it didn't take it away but it is tollarable, the pain is still there in my body, but I am up and moving.

My computer is still not fixed but Jason got his going so, Woo Hoo, for now anyhow's & I am sitting at his desk typing away, not sure how long this will last as I am already getting tired and more sore after sitting in this position. But hey! I am up and moving! Woo HOOOO!!

So my friend from high school Ronnie, ( he doesn't go by that now) is heading off to surgery soon, his 39th surgery to be exact. He is 39 years old, wow, he's sure gone through allot. We sat together everyday in High School as I tried to be a good friend to him. He has Spina Biffida and has always been in a wheelchair since I've known him. We didn't exactly have the best relationship, he was always kinda grumpy. I was always annoyingly happy, honestly I think I drove him nuts. Not to mention that I can blither on about absolutely nothing. We both played the trumpet in band, we both would have excelled at the baritone I think but the band director never brought up switching, we were both not very good at the trumpet, but we both stuck it out! He better than me, I fiddled with a few other things, but he was always very consistant.

He and I stayed in touch into college, but then lost touch, I started moving around the country, and our lives just took other directions. He's been a great example to me my whole life. He's the nicest guy, even when he was grumpy, he and his best friend were always together, and still hang out today. His best friend Roger was also my example, a truly kind hearted guy, who was loyal, patient, kind, understanding, fun to be around, and who never cared about anything but the size of a person's heart. I am sure he is still that way, he married a gal that I went to grade school with and I they have cute little kids and are both so very wonderful. ( I am sure that they are still as wonderful as then, as I haven't seen them in years)

Watching the two friends, was so fun for me, I think many people go through their whole lives not ever feeling the devotion of a good friend, one who will be there through thick and thin, on who doesn't care what has happened, or what mood your in, what job you have, or how much money, or what you can do for them. These two friends really exemplified the type of friend I want to be for others. They each really cared about the other and understood that they would be there for eachother.

I have met so many people, from so many walks of life, to meet two good friends like these two men I have not seen an anyone else. Roger who could do anything easily, and Ronnie who struggled to do things at all, were the coolest people in school. They set the bar high, yes they didn't always get along, but they both never gave up on each other. And it wasn't easy. So today I wanted to devote my blog post to great friends, who really put their friendship on the line, friends who go the extra mile.

Ronnie and Roger, thanks for being my example. I sure hope that I can come close to being the kind of friend that the two of you exemplified for me & thanks for being my friend to! Praying that your 39th surgery will give you a speedy and full recovery!