dOwN TiMe

Lazy day, the sun is shining the humidity is high, I've called and spoken with my father, and my list of things absolutely needing done today isn't long. For some reason, today, instead of being highly motivated to go go go, as I am feeling well today, I have been just relaxing. I know that there is merrit to that. I realize the value in having time spent to ponder, or not be in a rush. I usually reserve this time, for when I am in pain. It makes me feel as if I am doing something even though I really can actually be physically doing nothing.

Yesterday went well, a trip to both cities, and errands, resting in between, and some cleaning of things around the house. Jason has been highly occupied with trailor preperation. It is almost fit to travel. He's had problems finding fenders for it, so the rocks don't kick up and destroy his perfect paint job. He'd found them once, but at the time our cash flow was limited. So being the smart man he is he opted to wait. He's found them when only one was instock, and has found all of the wrong sizes in stock, he has found several styles he prefers not to use, and many prices he'd rather not pay. It will happen, God's timing is perfect. It just might not be ours...

It isn't that there are things that I don't need to be doing. I have that big curtain project, the Alumni project (that will be getting alot of attention this week), a painting project, my garden (oi vei) .... Thankfully laundry is finished for the most part, the house is picked up, and the dishes, well there aren't many...

For the first time in a long time I feel comfortable with the amount of medication I have on hand, I don't keep it all together, so sometimes I feel as if I have no migraine pills left... I can usually dig up one that I put asside for emergencies. It had been difficult for a while to keep the funds available to have the medications. Even though we only have to pay the copay amount, still it adds up. One pill isn't covered at all, which over the past 5 years almost now, was a major worry. The pill that I take everyday so that I can drive and don't have vertigo, oddly enough is the one not covered. I am so lucky, the pharmacist in town, has given this medication to all of her clients at a reduced rate. While not cheap, it does help! I am so grateful! It's been many a day I would have some pain, or begining of a migraine, and I would take the over the counter meds when I knew I probably should have started with something more powerful. Not that if I can catch things at the right time that the over the counter meds wouldn't work. But many times I realize it is too late for them, but the cost is so much less for those that my chincyness prevales, and I take the less expensive, IDK if it is really worth it, as the majority of times, I still end up hunting down the stronger prescribed stuff.

Yesterday, I was also able to get out and weed a little under the cherry tree.. I found mushrooms growing under it! It has been so wet and muggy lately that I think they are popping up everywhere. I am not really used to seeing them much, having grown up where it was always dryer. I don't know if they will still be there today, I removed most of the flora cover that was being provided by the very tall crab grass, mixed in with my iris. I plan on planting some different bulbs, and other perenials as well some day, but this year I do still have some seeds left. I am sure it is too late to plant them for them to turn out well, but I really don't see the point in saving the seeds til next year, as the sprouting capacity of the seeds I am sure by then will be greatly diminished. I wasn't able to finish weeding around the trunk of the tree, but I do at least feel better that the rubarb that I had planted a year or two ago, will have a shot at taking up some more space, and some of the iris will be a little more apt to survive.

Ozzie our 13 year old Foxhound has been driving us batty lately. Not sure if he is angry with us, for lack of food donations to his meals or if he feels he hasn't gotten out of the house enough to sniff the world. Or he could just be 13 and having less of a holding capacity, he has been making accidents in the house for a few months now. It seemed in the begining as if he would do it when he'd be left behind. We'd take him out like usual, and even gone only for a short time, or allowing him to go to the basement, we would find an accident. Needless to say, his freedom has been reigned in. He is being locked up in his kennel when we are gone, and at night. He used to have free reign over the house. But these days that privledge has been revolked. Last night Jason took him out to relieve himself at 2 in the morning. Yes, I got up also, but the old man, has a mind of his own, and doesn't cooperate for me. He is deaf or nearly so, and refuses to be led around by his collar, more often than not I find that I use his collar to steer him and have to shove his rear in the direction I want him to go. Not that he does't know what I want.. but he usually doesn't want to go where I need him to go. The little stinker even does it outside. I don't like bending over and moving him along, it isn't the best feeling for me. So, even though Jason had to work in the morning, I asked if he would take him out. Once again Jason was the hero!

I was so excited yesterday too! I was able to attend a birthday party for a dear friend! She had a little reception at the Marriot for her birthday. Wow, it was so nice to go! Jason agreed to drive me, this was the first time that this group of friends had seen Luka. I haven't been able to get to see many of them for years, and so I was not only grateful to be able to show up to show my support and friendship for this inspiring young friend of mine, but to be able to have done things during the day, and still be able to do something in the evening was just wonderful! Her 70th birthday was held in style, she has survived, many things including polio, and has always been an amazing inspiration for me and many around who know her. Her attitude is always stellar, she outshines most people with many less problems! I remarked to Jason that it was so nice to be out on a weekend night doing something resembling a date! It had been forever since I saw the city all light up, we are usually in this area for emergency room visits, and I don't do much looking around at all.

I didn't say the remark to make Jason feel bad for not taking me out. It hasn't even been a possibility, between the money to do something like that, and the timing of it all, I usually am completely exhausted, or hurting by then and going out to sit in some chair somewhere is not at all something that I am excited to do. I hope though that it may be possible to have more great days, where I can accomplish something when it is light outside, but still be able to enjoy an evening out. Choosing is not fun, I have so much I feel behind in doing that I practically need to do those things, so they will always outweigh a fun or money spending idea. Except in very meaningful cases of course.

I am looking forward to the visit of a great friend not this week but next! She's going to come spend the day with me. Woo Hoo! I can't wait! I've been missing some friend time lately. Summer time as well as most other times, is so busy with people with families, and even those who don't have little kids... I think it has been almost a year since I remember seeing my sisters, more than that for many many of my friends who I used to see on a regular basis. I am really not a good person for really excited energized little ones to be around, I become very boring to them very quickly, and can't keep up at all. While I was never into chasing little ones around, I did used to be fairly good at entertaining them for a bit, or doing and activity or two with them.

We aren't making our usuall trip out this month for Jason to work at the hospital, so the friends I usually see on that visit is also missing this month. It does make things a bit more boring, although I can use all of that energy for getting more things done! For that I can be excited! As the list is long.

Well, things are starting to stir here, it is late afternoon, and it is time to do something becides ponder! It's been nice to just have some time. I have gotten some things done during this time that needed doing as well, I feel recharged and ready to start tackling the myriad of projects left before me!

Happy Fathers Day all of you Dads! You are invaluable! Thanks to Jason for being such a good Doggy Dad! & great hubby!

KiTcHeN SiNk?

Oh, my how many blog posts I have written in my head these past weeks... It really helps me to pretend I am writing these things down. I feel as if I have and they leave my thoughts. That is both good and bad I suppose, somehow I may have missed doing something I should have.

That's the way it goes. As I sit here in my usuall spot, in bed 1/2 up 1/2 down, propped up by a pile of pillows behind my back a couple of pillows under my knees, and a pillow under each arm to keep them propped, up while I type on my computer that is proped up by a large book sitting on my lap, on the bed keeping me company by my feet is Luka, and Shelby our soon to be adopted girl at this moment burrowing herself underneath all of the covers to my right. Ozzie is sacked out in his kennel to my left and the college world series is blaring out on my little tv. The ceiling fan is moving the air around, and my light is on but not super bright.

It is times like these, that I am glad that I didn't invest in fancy sheets and bedding, as the bed when Jason isn't home serves as my kitchen table, my office, my lounge, my movie center, and many other things as well. Not to mention the dogs, we used to never have them up on the bed. Not ever. We started with Shelby having arrived, as each time she'd run in the house she'd be on the bed. I know, I know.. but after months of this, and then getting Luka, well, I like Luka close by. With his age, he sleeps allot. I like having him near me in case I feel ill, and he is more helpful if I can nudge him awake if I need a hand up.

I am currently in search of some new service dog candidates. I would love to find another large male doberman. I am very good with the breed, and they do very well with me. I am not opposed to other breeds, but with my arthritis having attacked my hands, a dog I need to brush is out of the question! I was offered a Lassie style dog that is ready now... but way too much grooming needed! Certainly not fair to the dog!

I am also working on helping some other families find good dogs that match their lifestyles and needs. I like that! I am good at it! I can do most of it on the phone, and it is a great feeling to know that a good match has been made. These dogs, not even all dobie's deserve good loving homes. It is amazing and sick to hear about the lives they have lived. Some are just victims of the economy, but others are just victims of crualty or ignorance.

One thing that I have been able to do through out these past several years after the accident, is continue to learn, learn about the world, learn sign language, learn about this and that... I don't know what good it is doing me. I am not enrolled in school to get a degree. Sometimes I wish that were the case. That I'd been able to get hooked up with tuition and a school that I could pursue at my own pace from my home. Wow, by now I might even have some sort of degree... This August which is coming up soon, makes 5 years and most everyone finishes their bachlors degree with in that amount of time.

I sometimes, feel as if I've not accomplished anything. I know that getting better, and not getting worse is something! I don't know what that means anymore. It seems one step forward 3 steps back at times. If one area in my life goes forward, it'd be nice if the rest of the areas would jump on the train and follow suit.

Jason, is my hero, he is working so hard to make things nice for us, to make it easir for us and to make us more stable. He and his dad have taken on a great project that will help out so much. We had gotten a trailer to pull behind our Jeep so that I can carry all the stuff I think I need to go along with us on our trips. I travel with my pillows, (not all of them of course) my hair care, my hair is incredibly long now, and thank goodness for Panteen and Suave! They fit my budget, I must say it was hard to adjust from getting my hair done at least every 2 months if not every month, changing from this color to that, expressing a new mood with each visit to the swanky salon that I loved to go to. I miss my stylist Dove, she has lots of good things going! Her energy is contagous, and she is always on the look out for the new not to mention how to give back and be better. The last time I was at a salon, not even hers, I ended up with the most horrible pain and migraine... and have vowed to never do that again.

It is a pair of sharp scissors, and a friend that thinks they can cut streight that has become my new stylist. My hair color is all naturel, and my hair keeps growing! Yikes, it is now getting caught in the door when I get in the car. Gotta watch out for the next visiting person who thinks they can cut streight! Be forewarned!

In addition to my hair care, I need my skin care... speaking of that, I am so excited! I have just figured out I don't recall the last time I got a zit, like a big one, not even around that time of the month, which for years has been inevitable. I think it has to do with how I've lost all of my weight. My skin is looking great, my nails are doing well, at least when I haven't ripped them up trying to garden!

I've stuck to the same skin care routine for years now. I love it! I of course adjust as new items come into the line that I could find helpful. I am aging of course! If you look closely you can tell, but for the most part, not too bad! Every wrinkle that I eventually get, I am telling you that I will have earned! Even having lost all of this weight, having gone from a size 16 I am now wearing size 2, which I can hardly believe! My skin is awesome! I was worried I have to say, as I would loose more and more inches, I kept using the CelluShape Lotions.. I am not perfect at using them, but have really tried to be consistant. They sure help. I really don't know what my skin would have done with out them, and I don't really care to find out. I have to pack that stuff too.

Ok, so I am high maintenence! I know that! Jason knew that before he married me. So I like things the way that I like them, I always have. I used to spend an hour before high school focused on my hair. Those 80's do's were something let me tell you! Yes there are many pictures of my hair sculptures! Probably one of the reasons I thought I should become an artist! I've always been good with my hands, making things is not only fun for me, I seem to be good at it. I can usually look at something and make it. I hope to be able to do more making of things here in the near future. I've got lots of things I need to be making like the curtains. Speaking of those, I have packed my curtain projects a time or two as well, and might be doing that again seeing as they are still not finished. That garden project.... Oi Vey!

My clothes are another issue as well, however when I was packing in the winter, and a size 16 my clothes took up much more space. The last time I packed my clothes, it was warmer, not hot but certainly not cold. They took up so much less space! I could pack so much more. I could practically pack my entire good will/consignment shop wardrobe! I just bought something full price! It was hard to do, but this piece will be not only for summer, but spring fall and winter. It is a cute red jacket, it is on order. I am so excited about it it has a very tailored back and I became enamored with it at a receint Cabi show.

The red jacket was my choice based on the practicality of the item. So versital, I can wear it in many seasons and it is something not likely to go out of style! I like that! I had many other choices that looked great that I loved, and everyone made a fuss over, but I just couldn't see paying full price for something that would be seasonal. Especially on my budget. I will be looking for similar items at Good Will and Consignment shops. Those are nice to go to as well. Things in those stores are sorted by size! I love it! No more sifting through one style of top to find your size. At these stores, you can just look at everything on the rack, it should all fit you size wise even if it doesn't style wise. So wonderful!

I think at this point with the amount of clothes that I own that I actually fit, I could probably fit the entire lot into my tiny suitcase! But that is certainly not necessary, I have managed to actually eliminate a whole bag of stuff... My shoes! My shoes now fit into my clothing suitcase! OMG... I would have never believed it before. Being it is summer I wear mostly flip flops and sneakers, so that makes life so simple!...

The other things I pack are Luka's items, he needs a bag of food, bowls, toys, blanket, treats, poop bags, cleaning supplies in case of accident ( which usually doesn't happen, but everyone gets sick) he also now has a vest to wear when it is super hot out that keeps him cool, a gallon of water... his long leash, short leash, collar, and working clothes, not to mention the socks he usually wears because his pads on his feet are sensitive and get ripped up easilly.

My MK products if we are going to be in an area where I have clients... and all of my sample bags and show stuff, just in case! I never know if someone will want to play with things! If I am feeling well enough I love doing that! The extra money is nice, but I mostly enjoy keeping my clients happy, it makes me feel good, knowing that I can be of service to them. Hey it also works well too if I have incorrectly packed and forgotten something or run out in the middle of my trip... I can just get more. After all that is why I started my Mary Kay business, so I would get it all at a discount and wouldn't run out!

I am also usually packing food! Some things that could go bad if not eaten, and then my healthy eating regimine, that Jason has now started too...

In comparison, Jason packs one bag, just one, for every thing! He is so slick! I wish I could be like him! I guess that is why I am a girl, and he's a guy...

The trailer, we got, has now got a roof! A lid, a top, something to hold everything in! It had come to us a white trailor, a pretty nifty one at that, Jason thought it would look good painted red, he spruced up the electrical wiring, made it a perfect shade of red, fancied it up and he and his father have now made a lid. Jason showed his dad what he was thinking, his dad made the detailed design and even crafted a tiny prototype. We were ever so grateful when his father got all the materials for the project, and Jason showed up to build it with his dad, and his dad had everything cut, just waiting for him to be there to put it all together. He had so much fun with his dad and this project!

It was like magic! He left and when he came back he had a new lid! Which he is detailing as we speak! Gotta get some fenders, and some more paint.... The lid is black now, so it matches his Jeep. So stylish! Perfect to haul everything I can think of bringing with us! Where's that kitchen sink?

I am so blessed! For those guys who are reading this, I probably pack more than your wife, it could be worse, it really could. You are very lucky, give her a break, the extra bag she brought is just an extra bag!

Thank You Jason!

HoW aRe YoU dOiNg?

How are you doing?

Hey, that is always a trick question for me. I am never sure what response the person asking is looking for. My quick and easy response is that I am doing great all thing considered! So if that is satisfactory stop reading right here!

In general, the I can't wait for tomorrow applies for me today.. but really I can considering what I have to look forward to tomorrow. How about I am doing GREAT, (in about a week!)
It has been a rough week for me, if you've seen my posts, I guess that is what you may be refering to? I am making lots of lemons into lemonade lately. ;).

I don't know if you read my blog or not, in that case... yikes! As I write this I am on migraine meds and soon to be pain meds if my body won't stop hurting so take that into consideration... I guess that explains more to the true state of things with me at the moment. My emotions a wreck, my physical self in pain, and more to look forward to tomorrow... ( oops I haven't writen about that yet)

Ahhh, so are you sorry you asked? =)

Things will always get better. I look forward to seeing all of the great things that everyone else has going on! I am always amazed at the distances you go, or the troubles that Ronnie goes through, or the funny things that everyone writes on Facebook. I love visitors, phone calls, and getting outside. My husband is the bomb, my dog's are fabulous, I've got great friends, family and neighbors. There is plenty to do, no reason to be bored. Sure things go wrong, bad things happen, and people just don't understand.

Compared to many my problems are minimal, then compared to more, my problems are not so small. I realize this. So in perspective, I am doing the best I can do today at this moment, with what I have.

Two friends stopped by today, how fun is that! One picked up some things, and another dropped off a beautiful hanging plant! In full bloom! I love it. She gave me a hug and helped me back inside the house. She'd come by yesterday too but I couldn't get out of bed to see her.

Jason had to help me get around all of yesterday, my body is just not happy with me lately, it doesn't help having had all of the commotion of the past few days I am sure. A person he volunteers with came over with some papers, I felt bad they had to wait, but Jason had to help me out of the tub, and back into bed before he could go help him. I got so sick yesterday.

It's happened before, I always hope it won't happen again. Tomorrow, I get to look forward to doing some lovely extension and flexion xray's of my neck. Like I need more radiation heapped upon me. But that's the way it goes I suppose. My physical therapist is going with me, as this type of neck bending in the past has caused me significant problems. I sure hope it goes well, but I am certainly not looking forward to it.

One good thing I guess, is we were supposed to both go to the dentist yesterday, but since I was so ill I couldn't go, and neither could Jason. We messed up their schedule for sure, so that is the bad thing. But neither of us were looking forward to that either, however I would have much rather gone to the dentist than go through what is now going on 42 plus hours of nausea..., migraines, pain, and fatigue.

I just keep hoping that it will end soon, we have tickets to a ball game, that is what I am hoping to do! We'll see, I've told Jason to plan for someone else to attend with him incase I can't. So we'll see.

I have been watching lots of PBS, and scanning through different blogs on the computer, as both require little movement on my part. I've even found some fun one's to share with friends.

So to my friend who's asked how I am doing?. I say managing. I've got lots of hopes and dreams! I've got plans in place, projects to do, soon I am sure I'll be up and moving again!

PTSD...

Over! As most things do our having a child live with us has come to an end. This time the end was terrible. Of all the people we have let come and live with us Debora, Agi, Fernanda, The Cutler Parent's family, The Cutler Kyle's family, this experience has come to the worst end by far. While the other experiences were at times difficult as they would be with so many personalities involved. This experience was by far the worst. We had given the most, as the most help in this situation was needed.

We never asked for things in return... ok, we did... keep the floor swept. (that didn't work out so well. She would do it sometimes. When she felt like it.. or we would remind or ask her to do it.) The last few weeks since she's graduated, her attitude changed. Dramatically. She was angry and started being gone alot more. When she was here she would be more secluded.

This all happened after we talked about rules for her after graduation. She thought she shouldn't have any. She was FREE! Well, honey, in our house, freedom isn't free! She should realize that her brother just enlisted... I guess she thought those were the only people who had to pay for the privledge of being free.

Responsibility is the price we all pay. Being responsible for ourselves, those who are not, many of them end up in jail if they take asserting their free freedoms so far.

Well, today, we had hoped to set up a time to get her transition figured out. You know the logistics of it all. I guess she thought, our house would be a storage unit for her while she was off enjoying her new freedoms. Yes, we had talked about it before, when she would go off to college she could leave her things here.. Come back her on weekends if need be.

But things changed when she didn't want the responsibilities, of the new rules for living in our home. Expanded ones at that similar to what she would experience in college. A test run if you will. Nope those rules didn't apply to her, at least that's how she felt. Resentful, angry, upset, we were holding her back, causing her not to reach her dreams.

Growing opportunities hurt. This one sure hurt me. After she threatened to sue us, for wanting to talk to her before she moved, I of course said go ahead and sue... GET REAL! Who thinks of these things? REALLY!

I wondered to her... what if she had to repay everything that everyone had done for her? Now things really getting out of hand... any way. I wasn't the best person for saying that I suppose, but I wondered... she really hates us so bad that she won't have a conversation with us before she moves all of her stuff out? I mean she does have a cell phone that she uses that is in our name. Our name is attached to several other things as well for her that we've set up. Can't we have a conversation about how this should be worked out?

She won't have a conversation. Geesh! really? We are that bad I guess.

I was really a mess by this time. She was now sending her father over to the house, who freaks me out, and whom I can't stand for how he's treated us, friends of ours, and his own kids, who all now love him, and he can do no wrong.

She knows that he freaks me out, and since I am a person who deals with PTSD, she probably doesn't realize that this was the worst possible situation for me. I lost it, I mean nutso lost it. He called to say he was coming to get her stuff. I said NO! Not wanting him in my home especially when I am alone. I told him her things would be on the lawn. I had no intention of letting him in. And I certainly didn't want her stuff here either at this point. Actually, who want's other peoples things? Wierd! I keep giving mine away... I don't need to collect any more!

He's pulled up outside, I've got a few boxes on the lawn, and Jason's finally called back... Perfect, I am screaming, shutting doors windows, freaking out, can't breathe, can't breathe... ... Not good!

She's still texting me that I am a horrible person...

Gosh, this is not the way my life should be!

This has got to end.

It is over. I am not sure if I will ever let anyone back into our home. I don't expect these things to be easy, but wow, this was like something off of Jerry Springer! How'd I get involved with this?

Dear Dear Gwen, momma to these kids, and married to their dad died. We were friends. She would send her kids over to us when she needed a break, when they needed to get out of the house... they'd been coming over for years.

Wow, well, we came into this with more than we have now, she should be better for it, that was the goal. Her brother hates us I am sure, we helped him get out on his own too. But how soon they forget. You see this with families so often, it doesn't matter how bad you get treated, you want to be treated bad, because that is all that you know. You hope for things to change, and for things to be better, and maybe they will be. But you will do anything if your parent's/ spouse will just acknowledge you exist.

I am not saying there was abuse or things like that, neglect for sure. But people change. I hope that they all live the life of their dreams. But it won't be involving me. I am done.

There is too much pain, too much drama, there has been too much for me. Sometimes going through this stuff may be worth it. I hope this time it was. She is moved back in with her dad now, at least her stuff is there.

Wow, I am going to feel so much better tomorrow at the dentist! Thank God for that!

I am no longer going to be the better person. I am going to rescue dogs! Dogs don't turn into Jerry Springer shows! Dogs!!!

How sad for all of the kids we had thought about fostering. But sad to say they are in foster care for a reason. Through this experience we also found out about how helpful the state is for kids who need help. So baby! I'm out!

That is why I never became a teacher, the parents don't support you, the kids don't listen to you, the administration isn't there for you, and you might go to jail because a kid just slammed you into a wall and if you touch them back to get them off of you, then you have abused them. Yes, while subbing I actually saw that!

This Jerry Springer show is over!

So here I will be quietly figuring out what to do next with my dogs! We are not taking your kids!

Michelle Obama arms!!

Constant reminders are everywhere. Things always seem to fall perfectly in to place. Lessons will all be learned. Reality is never as it seems. There is always more. Being happy is a state of mind not a situation. Dreams are abundant. The best gifts come in all shapes and sizes, all colors, all times, and usually when you least expect them.

Living in this world is not always easy, it is certainly not simple however you are in control of what you choose to think no matter what the situation, no matter what has been done. It is how you react to the things in your life that will strengthen your steel. Help you to rise above and overcome what comes next.

Today was one of those days where things did not necessarily start off the greatest. Medication had been out for 2 days, so I couldn't drive but today I didn't need to anyway. Just needed to be present and do my best. Jason got home and was relatively rested, as much as you can be after having worked the last 24 hours...

We got ourselves ready, which for me was a trick... it seems as if none of my clothes are staying on, or aren't showing off my bra through the arm pit. Really frustrating because I have clothes that I've been saving to wear for summer, and I thought they might finally fit me again.... NOPE, now they are too big! Before they were to small..... I really need to find clothes that fit!

We finally headed out the door, a bit behind so the early errands would have to wait. Gas tank got filled by using MK $ ( I have to get that put back so I can place an order) and we made it to therapy just in time. He ran two errands while my therapist Kristi worked me out. It was arms today. I am a big weakling!!! I am working hard at getting stronger! That is for sure. I have always hyper extended my arms when doing any activity, and I am learning not to. Learning to keep my arms in my shoulder sockets and get the muscles working together.

OUCH is all I have to say when my arms pop in and out of place as I lift the little weights. Just wait, I am soon to have Michelle Obama arms! ;)!

We then grabbed some Taco Bell on the way to our next appointment. I dripped taco sauce all over, Jason managed to drop lettuce and cheese all over himself... I just had to laugh, it was so frustrating, but at the same time so funny! We could choose to be angry and miserable at the bad drivers, our taco covered selves, and all of the lame things we were getting through, but we just were so grateful to be together even though covered in taco gooo. We made it just in time to our Thrivant appointment! John was great, helped us with everything, and we are getting some more things figured out.

We then dropped off some paperwork for one of Jason's many extra jobs, and we headed to a local resale clothing store. This was it! I was in town, I had a driver, I could try things on and feel icky afterwards and still make it home. These stores are great for me, besides everything being so much cheaper, everything is sorted by size. I don't have to sift through several sizes to find mine after I find a style that I like. I can just grab what ever appeals on the rack and try it on.

Trying things on is a must, as I don't know my body style anymore. Catalog shopping is out for the moment. I've got to get my bearings and figure out what sizes I need to order. It is freaky! I sure have changed allot. I would never have guessed it, I never even dreamed that I would EVER be like this. I am almost 40 and OMG!

We came home just in time to put the small pile of clothes on the bed, and for me to get some rest. I really needed to get rested up as we had supper plans. While I hadn't had a migraine today, I sure was having plenty of pain. The darvocet was working, and I could now lay down and rest. My body just seems to shut off and yell, NO MORE! I was aching but we had to go, our friends would be waiting.

They grilled out, we brought over a favorite bottle of wine, and we hung out and talked and ate, while their kids entertained us all. Sitting by the lake, the view was great, we came in just in time to watch the lightning show, and visit some more. As the storm rolled through I began to feel better, and now am relieved to just be a little achy. The night just got more and more fun.

We love having such great friends so close by!

I can't wait for tomorrow. I've got big plans!!

ShOuLdN't YoU?

So as I sit here with many changes headed my way gaining the courage to face it all head on. To set everything up with the smoothest transition space possible. Some changes can be planned for. Some of the happen quite unexpectedly. I am fine with that. Surprises.... well, I prefer to know them in advance, even if not prepped for them I do still enjoy them.

Hey it is so much better than being bored. I just read a FB post tonight from a friend who's just had some surgery, they shared that they were recovering, and bored out of their mind. The thoughts that run through my mind when I read that, were, Hey, ENJOY IT! You actually have a life to go back to! Then I thought, wow, bored, I am rarely ever bored.

Jason and I tease each other, as he often becomes frustrated with me when I am able to verbally express myself. It used to be easy for me to do so, but nowadays it all comes out in the moments where I have enough clarity and energy to express myself , share my ideas, and my frustrations. My mind is always moving thinking about these things and those. I have such interesting thoughts, I am always getting ideas, or solving issues in my mind.

I am a good out of the box thinking problem solver. I may not, actually probably will not come up with ideas that the regular folks will come up with. I never have been that way. I really love the crazy things that go through my mind. I just seem to see so many things as others do. That is so hard for some people to accept. But I think those things are just what makes me, ME! I've always been like that.

I received an update church newsletter, we've stopped going for a variety of reasons, but even the thought of sitting in those pews can make me want to stay home. I really get uncomfortable and achy in those wooden slat seats. The newsletter spoke to how people are now choosing their churches for the social interaction, and when that doesn't meet their needs they just switch churches. I agree to that for sure. On the other side, when we chose this particular church to attend, we did get along with many of the parishiners, their ideas, goals and worship style were to be in transition and we were also excited about that. However many don't like change. I don't know if change will ever come to the congregation. We came to build our faith, in a supportive environment. We didn't choose that church because we wanted everyone to agree with us, but to work together with others to create a stronger faith for all, to find a spiritual home.

In the end, it seems as if the home that was being built, at least to us, had nothing to do with God's message of love one another, and the praising psalms... The newsletter seemed to be directed at us, about what they thought we were after, THE CHANGE... In order to survive your faith evolves, the church evolves. Things and people that are afraid of moving forward wither. Oddly enough most of the people that brought us in to that church are no longer apart of it. I am guessing that others felt the same pain as we had when we wanted to work together, to come together, and praise God in a safe environment. Not one where you would be told to your face that things were wanted, then when you stepped up to help, were shut down, and looked at as if you were not church worthy.

YIKES! Not a place for us! We still like what we were told the church stood for, but I think we are so much better on our own. Praising and practicing our faith each day. Learning and growing at home, and where we are planted. Faith comes from within, it doesn't come from what others think or say, it doesn't come from where you are on Sunday, or who you sit with or what you sing. I've always understood that I wish others did.

There has been a change I have been told I need to make. Actually it is an appointment. I've been told to make, truth be told, I am scared to make the appointment. I am usually alright with facing MOST things. I really, am dreading this one. My Dr. wants another set of xrays that a surgeon can look at. I don't know if they will find anything different or not, but, the thought does exsist in the back of my mind. I've done these before, but evidently they weren't done in a format that surgeons are comfortable looking at or using. FRUSTRATING!

For me the process of getting these xrays done may leave me in bed again for days weeks or months. I am so not excited! They will be looking to see if any of my bones slip around. Well, I already know the answer to that question. YUP!

Each time they do, I have a little more discomfort, they can cause more tingling, more numbness, an irritation that leads to terrible migraine pain, at the very least cramping and pain that will require ice. It isn't that I CAN'T move my neck, it is that my neck is very hard for me to control, makes me tired to hold my head up, and causes me a great deal of pain even when I am not tilting it all directions. But the extension xrays that are needed for the surgeon require the movement.

I am not sure what to do to make this process better. I know my Physical Therapist can move my cervical bones back in to place if my muscles have not flaired up. I will just have to plan ahead I guess. A day that Jason is not working will be a must....

Maybe what they find through the pain will turn in to my gift? I've got to have faith!

My dad lets us borrow his car. It is terribly uncomfortable for me to drive. He doesn't understand. For him the car is so comfortable. It is a nice car. It runs well, doesn't break down, has most amenities available... however the seats do not support my head. They do support his, but he is about six inches shorter than me... I am hyper grateful for the opportunity to have something to drive! Before this I had no choices. I however do not feel safe at all in the car. One small tap from someone not paying attention and horrible things can happen to me.

The Jeep has great seats, as the backs are tall enough for me to rest my head on while sitting straight. But the Jeep is Jason's to drive. I do on occasion drive it.. but it is rare. It is also a five speed, which if my hands, hips, or shoulders are hurting makes it much harder for me to drive it. But I do feel safer in it. I will feel better after driving the Jeep than I do after having driven my father's car.

I know this sounds horriblly ungrateful. It isn't that I am not thrilled that my father has gone out of his way to lend his car to me. He pays for everything, that feels bad. We buy the gas and the oil changes. I wish we could be paying for more. Writing this is so difficult, these are choices that you make. We are so grateful for so many things, for our parents, we know they love us and want the best for us. They also want the best for others as well. Both sets of parents have made sacrifices for us financially. So we could have the freedom to stay afloat, and so we could also help others as well.

It hurts allot to talk about these things. Especially when we would have needed their help a little less if we were to stop helping. I guess that choice is coming up again. I think the answer this time will be that we will place our focus back on ourselves. This time if something happens in someone elses life that will derail us financially. Something that will set us back for helping someone else, instead of getting ourselves in a safer place, and our families in a safer place, the word no will be what we make a plan to say.

Will it be hard? Of course. We hate to see people suffer. We hate to see people who don't have the loveing caring people in their lives that choose to give them a hand up. This time it will have to be someone elses hand to hold. We will be able to help those who've been helping us back before we tackle something else. At least that is our goal. If you don't put your oxygen mask on first, you will never be able to help someone else get theirs back on.

Jason's been working extra jobs just so we can make it. My dad's even picked up some. I know that our other family have adjusted things as well. So have some of our friends. We are blessed, so have the people that we've been able to do something for. I hope they are in a better places now, or will soon be.

In my heart knowing I did what I could do, even if there is no appriciation, will keep me sleeping better at night. And in that department, I will take all the help I can get. Watching the reruns of the icky things that have happened in my life over and over replay in my mind night after night when I can't sleep or in the moments my mind shuts off from idea making.

Just knowing that others are out there who might start having their bad memories replay over and over in their mind if no one helps them. By giving some help, I feel as if I have done something.

Have you ever wanted to find some place in your heart for empathy for someone or something so different than you. Have you ever wanted them to have that empathy for you? Wouldn't the world be a different place if instead of looking at their differences, you would look at them for all of the things that were the same? I wish there were more places like that, more people like that. I truly believe that if people would honor each other, with the grace, courage, and empathy that they would like given to them, that this world would be a much better place.

The gift may not come in the best package... But if you open it appriciate it for why it was given, it will be one of the most beautiful things. Just open your eyes, get rid of the sorry for yourself or the things you need to move beyond. My dad's car is a gift! Our girls are a gift! Our dogs are a gift! So is our faith!

Our girls from other lands are out making a difference. They chose to look outside themselves, to learn about others, and now they are each begining to make their mark! It is so exciting to know that you knew them when! We are so proud of their choices! We can't wait to see what the future holds!

What can you do? Face what you might find to be painful. Do what someone else would benefit from. You have more inside you than you think!

For God so loved this world... shouldn't you?

wAiTiNg FoR wEiGhTiNg HoW LoNg WiLL iT Be?

Riding a bike! The day before my car accident almost five complete years ago, I was out riding my bike having the time of my life. Ok, so I am not the best bike rider. But I had aspirations... Jason loves to ride his bike and he is actually good at it. Growing up on the farm with gravel roads doesn't lend itself to becoming an excelent cyclist. I had lived in town for 1st and 2nd grade... the bike that I had then was actually my dad's bike. So, there I would be riding around our little town, on an adult bike that was WAYYYYYY to big for me. Hey, it worked!



Swimming was like that too, for entertainment growing up we would run through the sprinklers, not go to the pool. So I never felt as if I could swim. I later joined swim team as a very old teen. I was the worst on the team, but I did it so I could be a better swimmer. I am so thankful that I did that. I was always scared to death of swimming. I still can't open my eyes underwater. I don't dive well at all, I am certainly not fish worthy. But, can I swim across a pool? Can I do several swimming strokes? CERTAINLY. Now I am limited by my energy leval as to what I can do but swimming is a gift I gave myself.



I wish biking were the same. While not being the best biker on the planet, I sure did enjoy riding. It was something that Jason and I would do together. We had even gotten a bike rack so we could take them along when we would go somewhere. I would dream of being like the bmx kids jumping mounds and spinning their wheels. Yes, deep inside I am probably a thrill seeker. On the outside though, at least most of the time, I like to keep my feet on the ground.



While growing up, I was a work hard play hard girl. I would be up doing outdoor animal chores, before school, I must admit most of the time unwillingly... I loved my horses, cow, dog etc, but I also loved my sleep, and my warm environment especially in the winter. Breaking the ice so they could have water to drink was not on the list of things that I loved doing. But riding and loving my horses was a gift, a dream, a freedom! It was worth the price.



Today I find the price for some things is too high to pay, for other things I find myself continuing to evaluate and conjure up ways to make it happen even though the price may be high. Jason really helps me evaluate the price of things. His price often times for me seems to be higher than mine. He places a higher value on my not hurting than I do. For example, he knows that if I drive any of our vehicles, that I will be worse for it and that price is too high when he could be doing the driving so that I would feel better and be able to do more fun things with him.



He would rather I feel my best the most. He gets frustrated with me for doing things that MAY cause me to feel to exhausted later, or that MIGHT make me have more pain. I do love him allot for that! REALLY I DO!

For me, I find that sometimes the price is RIGHT. Ok, so like today, I drove myself to my Physical Therapy Appointment. I can I EARNED MY DRIVERS LICENCE! Woo Hoo! Although I don't drive very much by Jason's choice and much by mine. Today I had these appointments, I needed to go so I can get stronger, and feel better. My Physical Therapy is helping me. If you were to see me do it, you would think to yourself, geesh big weenie! Your therapist has to help you even on the lowest setting. WELL YEAH, she does. But maybe in a week or two or three or more I will be doing it on my own, and eventually I won't even be on the lowest setting!

The feeling of having my hip not solid or my shoulder bones move around and feel disconnected is a feeling I would really like to never have again. The price to pay for this is driving myself and being physically exhausted or it could possibly be getting stuck in the city not being able to drive myself home. I really am focused on doing well, not only with my driving, my therapy, but also in the quality of the things that I do.

If I do my best I am happy! Even if it seems as I might have failed or come up short to others. Being honest with myself is difficult, I often find that in my mind an arguement will form. Example: folding laundry, I really don't mind doing the laundry. But when I do get tired, and have just pulled things from the dryer, (by the way it wasn't long ago that I couldn't even do that with out straining something) I have to really push myself to get the things folded. Sometimes I find that my arms are so heavy and hurt so bad that it makes me want to quit and live with the wrinkly clothes. After all no one else in this house cares about wrinkly clothes.

I find myself wanting to just fold up a pair of pants with out lining them up well, or with out turning down the cuff or not turning things from inside out to right side out. Or to leave the top buttons undone because my hands hurt. I have done these things, after all getting something folded is better than not. But I am not happy with myself if I felt I could have done it better. I feel so satisfied with myself even if I hurt a little more if I did it the best I could. Sometimes that means asking someone else to do it, other times, it means, drying them again or a whole new wash cycle since holding a scalding hot iron isn't the best choice for me the girl who drops things.... Which I really hate to do, but it is better than wearing a piece of clothing that displays promenately I don't give a crap. If I were camping in a tent, I might not care...

Even before this, my mother instilled quality in what I did, while I was not always enthusiastic or cooperative she did her best. ( I wish she could see me now.) My dad always did the same with his acts as well, it was very often I was schooled in the art of Musk Thistle cutting and bagging or irrigating, hauling pipe, feeding the cattle, or driving the tractor. You had to do it right or bad things can happen. In some cases there would be no second chance.

I learned the hard way too... Some of us learn that way the best... this way hurts the most, not only ourselves but those around us. Many of these lessons are too painful to want to talk about.

My business with Mary Kay has been no exception. I suppose this is why I am in business 17 years later, dispite all of the hit's I've taken. One of the person's mentoring me with my MK business expected excellence, in fact she pretty much demanded it. She wouldn't recognize less, wouldn't compromise, and really pushed for the most out of you. I wasn't always up for it, but I did grow, with her leadership style, I persevered, and I pushed myself not for her but for myself.

There is something inside me that strives for excellence. Not something that is competing with other people, it is a competition with myself. I am happy with myself already, I am always looking for improvement, but I certainly don't need it to be happy.

I am often puzzled by others, unhappiness within themselves. They say they are unhappy about things, or don't like things about themselves, but are yet unwilling or not able to do something to change. They are constantly looking for the change outside themselves. They try to push things that others are to be more in line with what they are so they will justify feeling better about the things that they hate.

I hesitate to write about this topic following what I just shared... But as usual, I do this with no intent of offending or pointed at no one specifically. I have lost allot of weight reciently, I know that weight issues are an extremely hot topic. Being thinner than I was is nifty I must say. A dream come true? Not really, I never really thought of myself looking different than this. Even though I was heavier, when I would see myself in the mirror, I never picked myself apart, I always saw my body as just right. I do have to say that my main frustrations about being heavier had to do with the ease of which I was able to get in and out of bed (since that is where I seem to live most days), crossing my legs (It had gotten difficult to do.) and my thighs rubbing together creating a rash when I would wear skirts with out nylons. Ok, that was more than most people wanted to know, I realize.

I would see pictures of myself, and think, hmmm I am a little heavier I guess, or wow, is that what I really looked like that day?? Wow, I never noticed, I was so happy that day and all of these great things were going on, it never occured to me to be self consious of my weight.

That being said, I was headed down a slippery unhealthy slope. I know that people with physical limitations especially have an extremely difficult time recovering from weight gains, and the health ramifications that go along with them. I see this with able bodied people as well. So when a concern was presented about a long term health issue with me I decided, Hey! I am not going on this path! Not with out a strong effort on my part to bring my body into balence! I became dissatisfied, I had never before expressed discontent with my size publicly or privately.

I am and have been committed to doing everything I can to living the best life I can. That means doing all that I can to stay as healthy as I can. This brought along a whole new search for me... I was looking for vitamins primarily, and as it is difficult for me to track what I eat, and measure everything and count, it is also difficult for me to stand and make a meal for any lenghth of time.

I have grown to love cooking, over the past several years, I am even pretty good at it. But the physical aspect of it takes a tole on my body that means I am not able to do many other things. I won't go in to the specifics of what I did at least not now. If you want to know you are welcome to ask me, I am happy to share, in fact I have. But I know that what ever type of thing that you choose to do to change something, in fact to change anything in your life, that you must be true to that, that you must persist, you must not give up and you must do everything you can to keep yourself on track.

So many people give up in the middle of the pain of change. They never follow through, they never give it their all. They just give it a thought, a short effort, or an inconsistant try. In order to make the change whether it be what time you wake up in the morning, reaping a successful harvest with a garden, learning to swim, riding a bike, or loosing weight, you must persist consistantly through the most painful parts to ultimately bring about that change in yourself.

Sharing this reminds me, I am not able to change ANYONE ELSE! It is up to them to decide what they want out of life and to go get it. However, I will be anyone's biggest cheerleader when they tackle something that is hard for them.

Reciently a friend of mine posted on her Facebook status that she is going chocolate free for a week and wanted to make the announcement publicly to help her stick to her goal. Some of the first comments she recieved were, why would you do that? Impossible chocolate is crutial to your life, and others. I had written, You can do it! Go for it! I am here for you! I don't care why she wanted to give up chocolate, it might just be so that she could prove to herself that she could, maybe she had something different in mind, I don't know.

Then the sad reality crept in of the sabatoge her "friends" tried. I really don't know why. I can only imagine as well, but I guess they would rather see her fail than succeed, and that they must feel pretty crappy about themselves to try to bring someone down to their leval.

Hey, I love chocolate as much as the next girl! But part of me loving it means that I don't need it! I don't depend on it, I just love to enjoy it!

I am so proud of her! She went her week! She did it! And she posted it on her Facebook status! WAY TO GO! Girl You Rock! You held true to yourself! Others unsupportive oppinions didn't influence you to give it up, in fact I bet they pushed you to do it!

I love it!

I know I unknowingly have said things that werent' as supportive as they could have been. I am sure we all have. I really try not to be a downer. I think that is something that is in the hurts the most catagory. I have of course admitted when I have caught myself and done all that I could to make things right. But it doesn't take the pain away for me. It does remind me to keep going and keep pushing myself to do my best.

Someday I won't be changing anymore. But I guess that will be the day that I am brought before God. Until then I welcome it, even though I might not always like doing it.

LeMoNaDe

It only takes a moment, a thought, a situation, an error, a success, a lifetime... to change your perception of a situation. Everyone deals with things differently. What may make one person happy, will make another angry or sad. You never know what will set a person off, how could you? Each person has had a different past or been involved in different situations. Even if you've had the same experiences as another person, your reaction to the same situation could easily be different, VERY different.

Everyone struggles, I am no exception. Different things hurt me, annoy me, stop me, excite me, bring joy to me than they would to someone else. We all like different types of ice cream, different breeds of dogs, we enjoy wearing different styles of clothing, as well as working and doing different kinds of things. We are all unique.

I am amazed, at how difficult it can be to see someone elses point of view. I do try to. I have my doubts that others try to. Ok, I don't always try, but I do much of the time. Even if I find that I could never understand or agree. I am always open to agree to disagree. I wish more people were. It seems in this day and age, teens want to be adults, adults want to be teens, both want no responsibility and both want all of the perks. I remember as a child I always wanted what I couldn't have. Even if it was painful. I thought that braces looked great on my friends, so I wanted braces. I thought that it was neat that others wore glasses, had freckles, and had barbie doll houses. Needless to say, I never did get everything that I wanted.

Sometimes it doesn't matter how bad you want something, other times it does. It depends what initative you are willing to take. In any given situation. People wonder why the are not able to get a promotion, why their life stinks, why they don't like their job, why everyone else gets all of the breaks. Put your self in other's situation. Problems solve. And do the and then some.

Are people being taught to take initatiave? A recient trip to a hotel would suggest not. The hotel which specialized in serving specially cooked breakfasts for their guest ran out of eggs, and milk far before the breakfast was to attend. They then began to fill the dry cereal bins and more... They shared with the guests coming for breakfast that pancakes were their only option. However there was a grocery just a few blocks away, a convenience store closer, and in the same building but on a different floor, a coffee bar... Which carried plenty of milk on hand. Can people think out of the box?

In my mind things don't always work as you expect. Lemonade! What you weren't expecting may just turn out to be the mot amazing thing. Grab it accept it and make the best of it. I am not saying it will be easy, I am not saying that you won't have to do the and then some. I know that what you wanted in your heart will never go away. But maybe at the end of your life you will find that all of the unexpected, unplanned, and plain unhappy, made you a better, stronger, and wiser person.

You never know what you have coming. When the bad happens, do your best to squeeze out the sour, and go out and find the sugar to add to your lemons.

I am blessed. Even with all of the bad. I am loved. That is enough for me.

MiNdNumBinG ChAoS!

So as things go for me anymore. It is days and weeks before I am able to get things on my list accomplished. Don't think that because I am writing this now that I actually have my list completed. It is actually far from the case. I have written a list of things that covers two pages each line of things that I need to do.

Grrr. I've been saying that allot lately. It has been over a month since I have had the mental/emotional/as well as the timelyness factor to be able to write this post. My month has been totally out of control. I plan everything ahead of time, thank goodness I've started doing that. At least that is the way the month started out. Somethings are not able to be planned for but those that I can prepare for early I sure make every attempt to do.

I had the things for my garden planned out early... my plans fell through, but other options have risen, and I am making the most of those. The garden is still not all planted yet, but at least I've gotten it started. Jason has agreed to help me get the rest of that in, of course that will have to wait till next week sometime.

I ended up making a trip to a town with a great monument to tour. Jason taught a class and I was able to go with him! It made for a great Cinco de Mayo trip. I even won a tee-shirt! I love it too!!! Jason's mom made a great recommendation to try out a resturaunt! The night was fabulous, great friends, and great food!

On our way into town, we stopped by a natural rock formation and took pictures. We made it just in time to get a few pictures in before the sun had completely set. We travel and try to stop and read those histerical markers. At least that's what we call them. We drove into town, and checked in to the hotel then went looking for food. That took us quite a while, this town shut down at 9pm. Nothing was open. Thank goodness for Taco Bell, who's hours everywhere are super great!

His class was over, and the next day we took advantage of the morning and early afternoon to go see the sights. It went perfectly! I was feeling well this morning, after a week of on again off again migraines. I got better just in time to go out to eat the night before. And I was feeling great this morning! Jason was shocked! I haven't been able to walk that much in a long time. We didn't walk more than 300 yards total, but hey, we didn't have to for most of the things. Jason drove us up, and had just planned to do that. He'd drive, I'd get out and stand or sit, and then we'd be gone to the next area.

I had other plans. I wanted to give walking the paths a try! It worked out great, we went slow and we got to go on a couple of short trails, so that we could enjoy the views on the goregous day!
We took pictures, and read about each area, Luka enjoyed it as well. He was able to get out and sniff around for a while, so much better than smelling things from the back of the Jeep.

Things went so well we stopped at a state park on our way home. I didn't walk as much there, but we did get out and take a few more pictures.

Our trip home was interesting. The Jeep decided that it needed to have a pitstop. We chugged into a town along the road. We sat for a while while the awesome Jeep Dealership fixed it up and off we went again. By this time I was feeling the activities of the day. I had begun medicating. With all of the activity I hadn't noticed, and nither had Luka, he was too focused on the new surroundings, and then getting as much sleep as he could, that boy was exhausted. He'd been watching me for days with my migraines catching many of them, but even then it took some time for me to be out of that pain. It had been varying from a couple of hours to about 8 or so hours.

This time was to be one that reminded me how lucky I am now. With Luka, with the Radial Neuropathy Injections, with the medication, with the added strenghth I have, all of these things have made it better. Jason is even dealing with this better. Although we still have our moments. It turned out, that this migraine would last 5 days. All day all night, all of the things that are bad about getting them happened. I even tried to go to the ER to get some help from the Dr's. That didn't work either. The last couple time's I have gone, it seems they have changed how they treat people with migraines. They don't give them pain meds they give them other things. Which would be fine if it worked.

They asked me after the IV of fluid and medications, how I was feeling. I felt two different ways. 1. If I wasn't moving and didn't have to talk I felt pretty good, the pain was less. 2. If I had to talk or move at all, I would say or do anything to not have to move at all! It was HELL! So, since this form of treatment may work on other people, it does not work on me. The migraine lasted 3-4 more days, it never went away, and I just began taking all the medication I thought I could keep down, and not get in to trouble with.

That sucks! I would have rather been at the hospital being monitored. But since their protacols are different now, I seemed to have no choice. This had to stop. I was told after I came out of the migraine that everyone was very worried about me. I was in a coma like state just moaning and sleeping, or throwing up for days. I didn't eat much and I slept and slept and slept. I kept the ice on my head and neck. Also had it on my back.

Durring this time, there were many promises that I couldn't keep. I just kept putting things off one more day, one more day, .... I felt so bad that I couldn't even ask anyone to do those things for me. It would have been to hard, and too painful to get what I needed done.

My client Kristy, I remember I spent many days worried about her MK order not getting out. But I couldn't do anything about it other than worry about it. Now Kristy, is very nice, and she was more than gracious. It isn't that. I just hate not doing what I say I will do. I hate not being able to follow through. I was also supposed to be getting the garden in the flowers planted, other MK orders out, and the house cleaned, and food made for a birthday party and a graduation party to be held at our house. These are things that others could pull off, but not as I had planned.

To our teenager who the parties were for, our house was already clean in her mind. (keep in mind that she came from a home where the mother wasn't able to clean for years!) I am determined to not let that be me. It might take me longer, things might not be perfect, but they will be done as good as I am able to do them. And with that I will be satisfied.

And that's how it went. I got better from this episode. Luka by my side, now feeling guilty for watching me suffer so. He was like glue. I've been to my Dr again, and the new medication is 1/2 gone already this season has brought many barometer changes. Aie Yie Yie.. Not to mention I am pushing myself to make sure that things are accomplished. Jason is working all he can, and well our teenager is a teenager. While concerned and helping, is helping like a typical teen who is self absorbed, and focused on her social life. I was the same way, no amount of talking to would make this better, at least not for the long haul, we had had a couple of talks but none that warrented any long term change.

We just hope that as she grows up and has personal responsibilities that she will fufill her obligations. But since she hasn't had the best examples of that in the past, we are just trying to be the best examples that we can. She will constantly compare, in her mind an occasionally verbally, that everything is already better, cleaner, nicer or whatever than it was, and did make the comment that so many people would be thrilled with our home as it is, that it was just fine it didn't have to be perfect.

While that is true I know. The standards that I have set for myself and that I expect from myself are not set this low. While I've had to compromise, I am certainly not willing to give up, on the cleanlieness, or the fixed up portions. If I can find a way, I will make a way!

Her birthday was great! Thank goodness for tax money. We had planned to bank it, but with having those that had promised to help us with her, find other places for their financial assistance, we had invitations out for these things by now, and that made it our responsiblity to follow through with them. Graduation and her birthday, used up the money. We had combined her party with another who was graduating. That did help, while we had double the people, we had others responsible for things as well. As I knew even on my best day, that I would never be able to make the salads and sides needed to feed people. I made BBQ pork, I made allot 4 shoulders worth. OUCH! I should have picked something easier, but never having done it before, and having planned to do it a couple weeks in advance, well, the timing didn't work out, and it was done just in time.

The arthritus in my hands was going full force and the pulling apart of the fat and the meat about did my hands arms and back in. But it did turn out to taste very good. It was a success. I spent up to the moment getting things ready, and everyone pitched in. We have a neighbor guy and gal who it wouldn't have been possible with out their help. I did allot of dishes, and I felt pretty good for the day.

During graduation Luka caught another one. I took my meds and Jason took me home early. I didn't have time to rest, I just had to hope that Luka had caught it in time, and the meds would now do their job. I stayed in the kitchen, as that is all I could manage. No extra people, and nothing more to focus on than one thing at a time.

Outside there were people everywhere! It went well. Off with out a hitch. Two happy seniors, and the house was cleaned up for the most part that night! Phew!

Now the past days have been for catching up. Gardening, watering, paperwork, regular cleaning and such. We've seen a few friends, done a few things. Tonight is the first time I am finding my head clear enough to write this post. While there have been many more things go on. Over all I am proud of how I handled everything. I did as good as I could. I didn't give up, and I think most things went very well.

I guess that is all that I can ask of myself. We are headed out tomorrow for another trip to one of Jason's jobs. We are so fortunate to have such good friends! We could have never done this with out everyone's help!

We are broke but thankful we did our best! Should we have spent the money? I don't know. I have guilt about it for sure. Could we have done it less expensive? I believe so, I never dreamed that those who had promised to support her and us for doing this would not. Hindsite being what it is, we should have just served cake! But, we made it through, our bills are paid on time. Somehow, it happened. God is good! Thank God and Thanks to my MK and Jason's extra jobs!

Phew!

I hope to post some pictures of my garden soon too!! Check out my facebook for most pictures! And as usual I am now by far too tired to check my spelling and grammer... So I appologize, but this blog is not about that so on to publishing and bed I go!

PPP and Cleo

Pickles, Prom Pictures, Popcorn, and a new foster dobie Cleo are what today has brought so far.. Life is good, it really always is. Of course there are the irritations, but I really love those around me.

So, planning what to do each day can be a bit of a challenge, not knowing what I will be able to do does place limitations on my planning. But for the most part a healthy list of things that need done, can be adjusted for me no matter how I feel.

I am currently working on finding missing alumni for a reunion, I am sewing curtains for my house, which I really need to get back to finishing, now that I can sit up on my own. I have a whole bunch of unfinished projects on a shelf waiting for completion, and something is always needing cleaned.

I felt pretty well yesterday getting our senior ready for prom! We did not plan out her attire very well, we had a general idea, but had not done a test run... probably should have... After taking multiple things for migraines in the morning, I was able to be up and functioning around noon, in time to get the house picked up for pictures. Man can stuff accumulate, jackets on the couch, things on the kitchen table, a few dirty dishes, paper!!! my gosh that is everywhere! I got my makeup ready to do glam her up. She also informed me a girlfriend Amanda V. had asked if I would do hers as well. So I planned accordingly.

I was then on to making a corsage and boutonniere for our senior and her date. I used to do some flowers for weddings, so I have a bit of a basic stash of stuff. Just the supplies mostly, not the frilly stuff. The kids had picked up the flowers they wanted used and a wrist band, we were good to go! Thank goodness for my stash!

As I worked on the flowers, I wondered why hadn't I gotten to them earlier. I really hate waiting till the last minute for things. Especially remembering my childhood. Many things were done at the VERY last minute, and we would be late for things, or some things would never get done. My mind filled with many of those episodes, and my heart began to race.... what if I was doing to her what happened to me...... Oh, no I don't I can't do something to her that would make her feel as I did.

With those thoughts in my mind I would be sure to sabotage myself. I regained composer, told myself that this was crazy to be doing this at the last minute... I mean really, what if the migraine hadn't dissipated... where would she be then.

For now I was safe though, while I didn't have any extra time, I did have just enough. I even had enough time to toss on some sparkles to her silk gerber daisy and add some sparkle beads to accessorize! Whew! Now the only thing that I hadn't gotten done was her shoes. She was opting to wear those $1 flip flops. She'd gotten some before and they matched her dress perfectly!

Ideas were floating around in my head as to what could be done to pretty them up. I had a couple of ideas, some would take a while and others would be fairly quick... We'd have to see...

In the end the flowers, the makeup, the shoes, the pictures, the dresses, the nails, the hair, and everything else went perfectly!! She was feeling well too, which had been a major concern as she is dealing with many physical issues as well as dental issues that have been reeking havoc on her life. Geesh at 17 no one should be dealing with the myriad of issues that she's been faced with. It is ridicules! I guess that is why we have her with us. We are tackling these issues one by one, and while not easy, they are being resolved.

Her night went wonderfully all things considered. I was so glad! I had planned a ride to go get her in case she needed to be brought home early. Thank goodness for my awesome neighbor!

Jason who was at work, kept checking in, I know he wished he could have been here too, to help with all of the plans. We were also invited to a cousin's wedding. We sure wished that would have worked out as well. But with as much work as he's got to do to get everything covered, attending just wasn't an option. We were very lucky to get to see pictures, and I am sure that we will catch up with them later.

You can just do your best. That is all you can ask.

After yesterday's panic, of undone prep for prom... that makes me start thinking more about what I have yet to do for the next week or two. Truly we have been so focused on medical appointments for she and I, Jason's had some too.. that nothing else seems to be worked into the schedule. I get so tired out from them, and I know it is painfully hard for Jason, he does allot of driving and waiting for both of us. This week is shaping up to be no exception. She's got at least two Dr's appointments every day this week, I've got at least 4 but I need to have 6... I just can't do it... some of them will have to be put off. It is just too much.

Our newest foster girl is a beautiful gentle fawn colored doberman. She is good with kids, good with other dogs, I understand she is good around cats too! I am sure that we won't have her in long. There are requests already coming in for her.

Jason is off to see family today, had we been able to attend the wedding we'd have hooked up with more. Today worked out great anyway for him. He pulled his little now red trailer to his folk's house, he'd asked his dad to work on creating a lid for it. Something he thought they could do together. He also got to have a nice visit with his brother, something he hadn't done in forever. He got his top changed on his jeep and is now ready for summer to arrive.

That reminds me I've got to get goggles ordered for Luka. He goes everywhere with me, and last year wasn't too keen on all of the wind with a topless jeep. We are going to have to work on this. I sure hope he can get used to it.

Life is good.

PerCePtiOn!

Days pass and times change, it seems as if only yesterday happened, but yet it is now almost five years later. Sometimes time seemingly stands still. I know it does seem to do just that for my high school senior. She is counting the days minutes and hours until she is in a different stage of her life. I remember doing the same thing, but for me the waiting was more fun, much less stress, and a time to figure a few things out.

Sometimes I think this can be so painful as it is for her, her unusual circumstances at school have made things so much more difficult. Just as the unusual medical circumstances that have happened in my life. Both of us are so similar, both of us are learning to be tougher, both of us are unwilling to settle for what we don't deserve.

Respect, care, compassion, and more I am so glad that she knows that these things are mandatory to expect, and to share. I sometimes will find that she forgets this. For the most part she stays true to herself. I wonder, if desperation would fall upon her and if she would be strong enough to make it through what ever would be hanging the dark cloud over her.

I have been told that I am too cheery, I always am looking for the best. I frustrate Jason by the answers to his questions. He will ask me how I am doing, he can tell when I hurt. He asks me this already knowing that I am hurting, then wants me to verbally validate what he is already seeing my body and eyes present. He is frustrated by my lack of brut honesty on the subject. I most commonly have answered his question with an I doing better than I was, or an I am alright.

These answers have become a huge frustration for him. I don't understand why he needs my verbal validation for what he already knows to be true. My perspective and my focus is and has been to stay mentally healthy. To not go out and try to kill myself, to make it through the day, to really focus on what good things I have instead of the pain that I feel all of the time. For me being better than I was is good. If I can hear myself say that I am alright, that I am better than I was, these things don't seem so bad.

I can understand his frustration, really I can. Looking at me he, and everyone else I guess can tell that there is something wrong with me. I can too I guess if I were to look in the mirror when I have gotten worn out from the pain. I don't have any sparkle to my eyes, my brows sink in to my eyes, I loose color, not that I had that much to begin with, my posture is shifted, and I have difficulty moving, standing or doing anything. Just the speed of my thinking, my clarity, and my movement each alone could tell someone.

Many times the problem is not only that I don't want to hear myself say that I am myserable, that the pain is so intense that I can hardly stand it, but that I am so tired, and so foggy, that my mind has actually blocked the pain from the front of my thinking. When prompted, for a more complete and serious answer, in which I take a few moments to delebriate and assess my condition, this fog will subside, and the reality of the pain will begin to take hold.

I know that most people aren't able to do this, I am very lucky that I have had the mental blocking skills already developed to some degree to help me deal with this. Prior to the day of my auto accident where the very old man took his time to turn to look from side to side to check the traffic, where his foot got ahead of his eyes, and jetted out in front of my little red Mary Kay car. I had already developed these skills to deal with the PTSD that I had/have.

It does become a detriment however, I have found. I do know that since my auto accident, I can no longer remember peoples names with ease. There faces or names if seen will cause me to stop, but the clarity that was once there before, is gone. I had worked hard to develop the skill of remembering people's names, and where I knew them from. I don't have that anymore, I am starting over.

I see the frustration in peoples faces when they realize that I don't remember them. How do you explain in five seconds or less that I was in an accident...blah blah blah... GRRR! It is so frustrating for me not because of the loss of the skill. But the skill provided a validation to those around me, the people that I met, wheather briefly, or had a major interaction with, that they were important to me. How many times do you go through your day, with no validation of importance, no acknowlegement that you actually mean something to someone. That you are more than a number, that you are worthy, and treasured.

It was a skill that I had worked hard to perfect, that gave a gift larger than you can hold. I loved making those who were with in contact to whatever degree with me that they were indeed important. I knew this from many years of being a discounted person, a person who others saw no real value in what I did. I have never been a person with one of THOSE jobs, one of THOSE degree's one of THOSE types of social standing.

I have been around many of those people, those people make up a portion of my friends today. My friends may have THOSE things, but they see ME! They are around me because of how I have made them feel, because I see them. I don't see what they do, or what they have. If they lost it all, I wouldn't go away. These are the people that are still with me through this crazyness. They are the type of people you want in your life.

While being a waitress, being the shoe shine girl, being a farm hand, fast food worker, and more, I learned that many people saw you as what you did, not for who you were. Their mistake. I could feel the invaidation, that is the type of feeling that can sink a person's soul. It frustrated mine, it pushed me, not to be the type of person who had to have all of that to feel alright about myself, but to be strong enough that other's perceptions would never cloud my self worth. I hope for my high school senior's sake that she can keep a strong sense of value and hold it close, while encouraging and validating others. She too knows what it feels like to be a discounted person.

A quote by Frank Sinatra shared tonight on the David Letterman show, by a friend of his, and I paraphrase, "If you own something that you can not give away, then you do not own it, it is the one that owns you." If a person feels as if they are of value, but keeps it to themselves, uses it for themselves, than, really do they have value? I wonder.

Going through this receient recovery period has been difficult to retain this I must say, but through guarding what I say, what I spend my days focused on, and making the most of what I have each moment, this has been what keeps me going. I've got lots of blessings in my life. One of the greatest blessings is laying beside me with his hand on my knee.

I hope for her sake and the sake of those around her that she holds on to what is dear to her by sharing all she can to benefit those around her. My greatest friends have this gift too! I love being around them, not for the degree's that they hold, or the money that they earn, or the club that they belong to. I love being around them because I can help them and they can help me, we are there for each other, and while acknowledging flaws choose to look at each other's gifts.

I am blessed! Beyond belief, I am better than I was!

FeELinG gOoD!

As I sit here and begin to write, my thoughts wonder to the events over the past almost month it feels since I last wrote. While I am definately not as angry as was at people's stupidity, other things have been frustrating. Which causes me much hesitation when I consider writing more of my feelings down in this blog.

Needing to deal with things in an appropriate matter, sometimes time is able to help give perspective and the ability to add calming sense to certain situations. These past few weeks calming influences seem to have been the key for everyone in my household. We have had to search and search to remain calm at times.

I know that so many people have things so much worse. I realize too that we have been through much worse, although what makes difficulties easier to get through is the hope that the next situation will be an improvement. Sometimes we find the next thing to be just as challenging if not more, and we again hope for something better. The hotter the fire the stronger the steel. I don't know who said that but I think that it definately applies to my relationship with Jason.

We sure seem to have gone through allot of fire but each time we go through a challenge we seem to come out stronger. I am so grateful for that.

In my last post I had mentioned Jason's difficulty with Luka in public situations. I wrote about how I percieved his feelings to be on that subject. I am so glad I did, we were able to have a great conversation on the subject and things actually worked out better for it. Of course all of the things I am writing about are my feelings and my perspective. It doesn't always or even often match others perspectives and feelings on the same or even similar subjects. I am alright with that. I am also open to listening in most cases especially after I have had some time to become calm about a particular situation. I love different opinions and perspectives, while I sometimes will never agree, I appriciate others and still find value in difference.

It seems lately that Dr's visits are at the top of the adjenda lately. These visits can sure drain the day's time away. Our teenager has appointments for her teeth as well as Dr visits, and college visits, as well as she needs some therapy visits in the near future as well. Jason has started the some of his own, and mine a lovely 4-5 appointments each week are just enough to make a person MAD! We catch ourselves comming and going. How is their time for everything.

Tomorrow's day includes a dental appointment for me, then a college visit for her, then school for her, then post office for me to mail things, and time for my therapy excersizes, then off to the dentist for her, while Jason scoots off to a teaching job that evening. Gikes! I know that everyone else has this crazyness in their lives as well. Should life really be like this? I wonder.

I've started a project that I am happy to be working on. Having worked in my past at a children's camp, I now volunteer occasionally for this camp, I have volunteered for them for years now with various projects, most of which are very fun, some are moderately fun, and some just need to be done. The latest project that I have picked up is enjoyable for sure. It is really allot of busy work and research. I am having a good time with it, going through the details slowly and compiling all of the needed information. It is something I've found that I am quite good at, and that I really enjoy doing. It makes it even better that I can do this all from my home in my bed when I feel good or when I feel kinda bad.

I love having something else to focus on, that keeps my mind off of everything else that I have no control over. The fact that this information will fill a need and be helpful for others really makes me feel well also. A sense of accomplishment, is just wonderful. Just like making a really nice meal and watching those eating it enjoy it, or dropping a note to someone going through a rough time to let them know that they are in my thoughts.

I am reminded constantly that my life is good. I am reminded for all of the good things in my life, and there are many that there are those who don't have nearly as many good things in theirs. I have several friends who have always had difficult physical situations, some who are just receintly as I have been receintly having difficult physical situations, and those who are going through emotional, and financial difficulties currently or who have in the past. Usually these things seem to go hand in hand if you have one you will most certainly have two or three of them all at one time. Managing just one of them can be a full time job, while handling all three it sometimes feels as if you were never going to survive it.

Hearing from a friend today reminded me that while we are so involved in things that are going on in our own lives, that there are those around us, near or distantly, who are suffering, wondering how they will ever be able to make it through another moment. We've been there. I heard those thoughts today from a friend in an email that I received. He is going through a much more difficult time than we've gone through, his road will be harder, and longet, there are small children involved, as well as a very injured wife. He sounded as if he just needed someone to care, some one to notice, someone to talk to. Nothing really more than that, not asking for any of his responsiblities to be taken away or lessened, however I am sure that would be accepted. But just asking for someone to understand, someone to care. Reaching out for something to hold on to hope for one more day. It isn't a good place to be in.

The better place to be in is the person who takes the time to say Hey, I hear you, I see you, I am praying for you. If you are a person who doesn't have much time, but has resourses, then a certificate for pizza or a casserole, or a monitary gift would be handy for this person. If you have time but no resourses, then the offer of a shoulder to cry on, an afternoon of visiting or helping so someone else can have some time away from helping, or watching kids is a great way to share.

We've been so lucky to be beneficairies of some of these same gifts. Believe it or not they all equal the same. It doesn't matter how much time, or money or how big the gift or how small, they all equal the same. They all say the same thing. They all give the receiver the same message, that some one is here for them, someone noticed, someone cares.

I am glad that I took the time to write to this person, I will be writing again soon as well. It feels great for me to be able to do that. For me to think of someone else. I love doing that. It makes me feel so good.

Being that it is almost 1am I really need to get to bed. I have a busy day tomorrow and I am determined to pack as much in as I can. Maybe I will even be able to drive agian soon. I am holding out hope.

So for now goodnight.

NoT WaNtiNg tO...

This post might touch some nerves, it isn't intended to make anyone else upset, none of my posts are. I do write these things to get them out of my head, and to give perspective to those in my life what I am going through so they can understand me better. I love having all of my friends family and clients in my life.

Well for about two weeks now I have been in hell, I haven't felt much like writing, just when I would think I was getting better or back on track, my body would once again rebel. No migraines, well, not many at least, mostly just major body aches and pains. I really have been avoiding my blog. It isn't that I have been unhappy, I mean I am but really no more than usual, but the pain has once again become so intense some days that it is all I can do to get to the bathroom from bed. My pain medication is giving me nausea, taking away some of the pain and then adding the upset feeling is not my idea of a good time.

Hot sweats, throwing up and major body pain are really things that I could do with out. Now, if it were the flu then fine, but this was not the flu. The past couple of days have been better, I have started physical therapy with a new therapist, Kristi. I think that what she has me working on will help. I really hope I can get some of this under control. I am excited because, she has trained with a previous therapist that I had, that helped me allot, but he moved. She knows the same techniques, and then also incorporates some other things as well. My massage therapist also coordinates what he does with her, as he has also attended some of the same training, while his focus is different, each therapy reinforces the other. My massage is not going to help me get stronger, but it is helping me rid my body of muscle spasms each week. For me they are both worth their weight in gold.

I wish I could find something to help me feel the pain less, with out making me queezy. I can become ill all on my own with my migraines, I don't need a pill to make me feel ill. Geesh!

I am also super upset about a recent visit to the state agency that helps people with disabilities, become educated, and help find employment. Jason and I went in for the appointment. The person who was assigned to me, listened to my story, and then proceeded to share that she won't be able to help me. That in her opinion I am to disabled to work. That no one would hire someone like me, and that the only suggestion that she had for me was some of those letter stuffing jobs you find in the newspaper. She then proceeded to tell me that she did not know if those jobs really paid you much or not.

OMG~ FOR REAL??? Lady, come on, I know I am not ready to go to work at this moment, but I will be, I might not be able to do something full time, but I can do something more than stuff envelopes. Having not been able to do as much Mary Kay as I'd like, and living in the small town where I live, people don't flock to my door. I live in a location that none of my clients really travel past, and would have to make a special trip to come see me. I think the day will come, when we will either move, or something so I can really have access to my clients, and provide them with better service.

I am very capable of doing makeovers, and servicing my clients. While I can't do it like I did, I can still do a great job. Ok, so I know some of you reading are my clients, and if you are headed this direction, please let me know, I would love to let you play with my Mary Kay!! If you want me to go to you, let me know that too, YES it is possible! Jason will drive me, if I plan ahead. 17 years of doing this, thank goodness, I could do it with my eyes shut. I am just not as mobile as I was.

Of course there is the Luka issue. Yes, I do know that he is allowed by law to enter any public business or place. However, people's homes are private. So in order for me to come to you special arangements need to be made. You will need to let me know if bringing Luka with me is alright. Or we may need to meet at a more public location in some cases. I may also need assistance carrying all of my supplies inside as well as help filling any orders as these things may demand more than I am able to do.

Even if I were able to drive, carrying my bags in and out of different locations, the stairs up and down in and out of people's homes, and other variables have made things in my business different. For these reasons I haven't been doing my Mary Kay business as much.

The thing last thing that's been bugging me is that many people are so rude and mean. Or just plain ignorant. I discovered this when our friend Joy and her family lived with us for a year. Joy is deaf, dealing with people for her is a very trying ordeal. Very few people were ever really nice to her, most just tollerated her, and some were completely put off by her disablity, some including her own family. Jason and I had the opportunity when we were with her, to call people out on their rude behavior, to educate those she dealt with to be nice and patient, and to thank all of the people who treated her well. Professionals in offices, people on the street, phone calls she would make, and people in the schools you just really wouldn't believe that these people would treat her the worst.

Joy is the most awesome person, she is talented, warm, giving, timely, creative, interesting, thoughtful, tidy, beautiful, smart and more. I understand that she may be harder to get to know or to communicate with than hearing people, but she still deserves the same amount of respect and concideration as everyone else. She does nothing to be treated rudely, and she always is prepared and goes out of her way to make things as simple as possible.

Having watched her deal with things, as I know she has for her whole life, she is very consistant, with what she does. That way she will deal with the same people over and over again whom she has found to be nice and cooperative. She limits her life to the safer areas. I so understand that.

I hate going in to new stores. I hate it! I never know if someone is going to be rude or uneducated about people with illnesses or disablities. Before I got Luka it would even happen, I would go somewhere, and be perfectly normal looking and ask for help with a bag or ask for help getting something off the shelf in a store. I would explain that I am not able to do it myself. They would treat me as if I was the laziest, person, roll their eyes, make me feel bad by making some smart ass comment...

As bad as it was before, it is worse now, I walk in to business's now with Luka by my side, he is wearing his vest, which he isn't even required by law to do. People will be having an attitude immediately with a nasty voice tell me you can't have dogs in here, you need to leave... or just stare at us and not seat us pretend as if we aren't there, some people in these places come up and say is that your seeing eye dog? While they are looking me straight in the eye, and have seen me looking around, they don't even bother to look at his vest let alone read it. Yes, it is oh so convenient to load up my dog, unload my dog, take my dog to pee and poop, carry the bags to pick up the poop, carry water for him, and negotiate isles in stores with him, not to mention the stares you get from the other patrons wondering what is wrong with you, yeah this is so fun for me to do drag my 110lb doberman out in the cold the snow the heat the rain. GET REAL! NO one in their right mind would go through all of this just to bring their dog with them where ever they would want to go, unless there was a legit reason for it. And if they did, at least take the time to look and see if the dog has a vest on it and READ IT!

Man people are stupid! I grew up on a farm, in the middle of no where, and I knew this... what's your excuse.

The one good thing about this is that I have been saving money. Yep! Businesses that do this to me are not getting my money! And I would bet they have lost more business than mine in some cases as there have been other customers around in many of the occasions that have witnessed these peoples illegeal, not to mention, rude behavior. Word will get around, and with everyone tightening their belts, I would think these places would be looking for all of the business they can get coming through their door, not be chasing it out.

Yes, I know that I would have been able to call the police and get these places in legal trouble, but really is it worth it? Not to me, who wants to shop in a place that the owner, or employees are so nasty, I don't ever intend to set foot in their door again. Did you know that you can buy anything online and have it delivered to your door?

That is my newest plan, I really understand why my friend Joy, as well as so many other people with illness and disablities aren't seen in public much. It is too hard. For me to get upset, angry, embarassed, or just fed up, takes all of my energy away from me, I don't have that much anyway, and why should I subject myself to that? I can have a perfectly good day in a safer environment.

One of my favorite movies is Pretty Woman. I love the scene when she walks into the fancy store looking all hookeree, and they tell her to leave that they won't sell her anything, then she walks back in the store looking wealthy hands full of other designers bags and says REMEMBER ME??? Big mistake BIG, HUGE... and walks back out with their mouths agape! Maybe I will do that to those stupid places. I am making a list!

Jason even hates walking into places with Luka and I, he hates the stares that he gets, when people look at him and wonder what's wrong with both of us, because if there is something wrong with me there has got to be something wrong with him to. The stares of adults who look at you then turn like you are contageous. The kids are great! Kids almost always are, and if they aren't well, lots of people have had these same stares when their child is misbehaving in public, and in most cases it has nothing to do with the parents not doing things well, it has to do with the child and how they are developing their own personalities.

Jason is finding that it is easier to to places on his own, that bring me along. The explanation is hard wherever we go. The underlying anger of what has happened over four and a half years ago, and what has happened to me and us as a result. He does not talk about it, if you ask him about it you will get a short response and then a change of subject. I don't know if he is embarrassed on top of angry but I do know that this is not the life he chose to be living. He is choosing to live it with me, through better and worse, but I wonder frequently how much more of this he can take.

Watching the pain in his eyes each day, watching the lack of a life, suck the life right out of my once energetic husband is so painful, he is always there for me when I am needing him, and I am not able to be there for him. I can't go to the home shows that he loves to walk through, I get to tired. I can't do all the things we used to do together, as the activity may hurt me worse. My life has become the life of prevention and protection don't do anything that will cause me to be worse the next day, don't do anything where I might fall, don't do anything where someone might bump into me, don't sit up to long, don't, don't, don't, don't......

How much of that can some one live with? I wonder how much of that I can live with. I always am waiting for tomorrow, because its gotta be better than today! I look forward to the hope of someday. Since I am not able to live like I want to today, maybe someday, maybe tomorrow. So each day I wake up with the hope of living. I wonder for myself how much longer I am going to be able to do that.

I can't imagine with what I see in Jason's eyes, how much more of this he can. It is breaking my heart.

I have had quite the time lately physically, as well as emotionally, I have been finding many good people and businesses too, I will talk about that aspect later. I love my man, I am thankful for my service dog Luka, and I am proud of myself that I have made it this far, it would have been much easier to have given up.