Today brought a great morning! I was able to get Luka to the vet to see what can be done about his allergies. Vet Brooke was there today! Great surprise! She is between her internship and her real job in Chicago! Woo Hoo for her! It was so great to see her! Her dad of course was gone, as she is giving him a break! We've got a plan for Luka, he is going on a Food Trial for 12 weeks. OH boy!
After that I came home and hung out with the boys for a while. I had planed to go to the city, my friend is there, my sister is there, and I needed to get an order mailed. I had also planned to go to the bank and a couple of other errands. I am so frustrated! Things need to start moving forward only not backward.
Jason has been frustrated, that letting the dogs out in the yard leaves little piles in the yard. Well yes it does. But they really need to be in the yard for a while each day. It is so much nicer than just being let out into the kennel. They lay down, roll around, sit in the shade or the sun, sniff around and are quite thrilled about it! I also enjoy sitting in my chair with them on all sides of me we all get to hang out together. Somedays I squirt a little water on all of us to keep us cool, other days we just do a little relaxing.
Today, I thought I'd grab our new pooper scooper and pick up those piles. It isn't like they were every foot or anything, there really weren't a whole lot of them out there. I even grabed the little there was in the kennel. Jason's been doing it lately, I do it less often. I really like our new scooper, it has a longer handle and is much sturdier than our old one.
Somehow I did something that my body didn't like. My back has a sharp knife like pain in one area now and is radiating down my right leg. I felt it sometime during my scooping not realizing how bad it hurt, I was pretty pleased with myself doing something nice that Jason would be happy about. My therapist told me that sweeping, moping and vacuming wasn't the best action for me, so I haven't done that since she shared that with me, and our floor is nice and dirty. GRRrrrrrRRR! Geesh!
So I thought poop scooping doesn't involve swishing back and forth etc.. it should be safe. PLEEEEEESSSSE.... Somehow I ended up with this horrible pain in my back, shooting down my leg. Ok I've had sciatica for a while now, actually off and on for just about 5 years now... I've even gotten steroid shots back there during this time. Guessing they've worn off! Geesh!
Flubbed up my whole day! I was doing so well!... At least as I sit here, I've found a new home for my latest foster dog. I have also gone through several magazines, and sent two files to my friend to be merged. I can also still get my product returns done. So the day is not wasted completely. I am just really MAD that a client's order in which I mixed products up did not get fixed today. Tomorrow! There is always tomorrow. Tell me how many times can I screw up shipping things to one person? I don't think I've ever been this bad before. I feel so horrible.
Unfortunately I am also getting my next migraine as I sit and type this. My Relpax taken. I'm not bad yet, and really hope not to be. I had been thankful that I only had a pain in my back not anywhere else. But guess that isn't what the evening holds for me.
Somehow there has got to be a way for me to do something! Jason just can not be responsible for it all! It is rediculas! I can't believe how frustrated I am! I should be able to do something besides sit on my rear in bed after FIVE YEARS! Yes that date is coming up quick! FIVE YEARS of one day at a time... Dr's, Medications, Hell!
I am finishing this post I am getting worse quick.. gotta take more meds, and get my body completely horizontal. Tchau for now.
Tomorrow will be better! I am sure! At least this morining was good! and Jason will have very little poop to scoop!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
GrEaT dAy!
Great day~ I got many of the things done I had planned. I woke up early, thanks to the newest temporary addition to our household. Eight month old Morgan, our latest foster dog, needed out to do his business. Drank my shake, stopped some pain from getting worse, picked some lettuce from my garden, grabbed some herbs too, I am really hoping my basil and rosmary will keep growing bigger. Got ready and headed out the door with Luka.
This week, at my therapy session, we outlined some new goals. I had met some of the goals outlined, and we needed some new ones. At the same time, I have met some goals, I have gone backward in other areas. I had been realizing that I hadn't had/made time to get my at home excersizes done. So I am making a renewed effort to do my excersizes each day. Each day I can anyway, somedays it is enough just to make it through the day.
Yesterday, I walked the two blocks with Luka and my neighbor to the Fire Station Fundraiser for a BBQ lunch. I did great! I had also walked a little bit earlier that morning when Jason and I were doing some volunteering for a bike race. After lunch I went to my neighbors house and helped her out with a project. Jason called finally after he'd finished his volunteering, picked me up and we went to grab Morgan. We got to the pet supply store where we met the retired police sargent who volunteers to pick up dogs and bring them in to the rescue. We were running behind due to an accident on the interstate that Jason had to help with. We made it, better late than never!
Shortly after we arrived, wow, I started hurting. But hey, I'd done alot and I was pretty happy! Today was similar to yesterday in that I walked 2 more blocks to the fundraiser they were doing for a girl I know who has been battling cancer and brain tumors, and other things. I have to say I was a bit nervous, as I was going on my own. But I really felt compelled to show up. I was so glad to see the parking lot full and the place was packed when I got there! I sure was hoping that she would receive a good turn out and have some financial help.
It is hard for me, I walk in to places where there are lots of things going on, and it is hard for me to focus. I have been learning to get a plan in my head before I enter places. I had been at this place many times before, and it is always set up the same. That helps! Having Luka with me helps, but he is also an attention magnet. People around here are getting used to seeing me with him. Some people anyway, to many the pair of us are still a curiousity. Some people are nosey wanting to know EXACTLY why I need him and what he does. Most are not trying to be mean or whatever, most are just overly curious, a few are RUDE! I wonder if I should ask them what health issues they have, and get in their personal business. The rude ones, seem to be saying, you don't look sick, so ...... I just hope they catch me in a good mood, otherwise, I've been told by my hubby that I should have been nicer. Probably so. Today went pretty well. (I am thinking of offering up when my latest period came, how bloated I felt, the last time I had a bowl movement... etc. when they get so nosey and are condesending.) Of course Jason would be MORTIFIED by this response. .. Well at least I can be thinking it in my mind, and then picturing their faces.
Gosh, I don't mind sharing. I mean, it isn't like having a service dog is actually something that is common. Although there are two of us who have them around here. But I know she doesn't get out around town much, and hers is for more typical reasons. I have never even met her, or her dog. But I know that they have been newly teamed up.
The pancake lunch, which could have been breakfast, was good, and the walk back home went well too! It was nice. I wish I could have given more, but hey, we all do what we can. For me, I was pleased at how I did. Finding somewhere to sit, was a bit difficult. I kept seeing spots, but didn't recognize people, and couldn't focus on the tables. I finally saw a table that was completely open. Normally I would have found someone I knew and sat with them. But I just couldn't seem to see where anyone I knew was. Frustrating. But at least I was sitting. The table soon filled up and my friends mom, who I know well, stood and talked to me a little until people started trying to pet Luka. Then the conversation turned to service dogs and why I need one.
Blaa Blaa Blaa... Getting home, I came in for a rest, let the boys all out, and even sat outside in my chair with them. I was even able to water the plants! YEA!
My goal, is to go for a walk everyday. It is also to do the breathing and body part lifting excersizes in my notebook from the therapist. Today I also did my book excersizes. Luka alerted on me in the middle of them so I stopped took a pill, and went to relax. He's always been right. So I am learning to just go for the meds, and not mess around. While he doesn't catch them all, I am thankful for the ones that he does. He is getting older, and needs lots more sleep.
Great days! I am meeting my goals while doing some life living. If I'd have had to drive today I would have had to stay home because of the meds. Since I didn't I made it to what I had planned. I am so happy!
My plants are even begining to produce! Soon I will have tomatoes! Already have lettuce and herbs. I almost have a cabbage, the others got eaten by a rabbit-grrrr. I may have some onions soon as well! Yippee! I really need to weed the strawberry bed, where the rabbit seems to have taken up residence. But other than that, well, I think things are going rather well as far as vegetables go. My flowers on the other hand I am not nearly as successful.
This should be a good week. My friend Jen will be around, my sister Kyla may stop by, and my cousin Julie and some of her family will be staying with us for the weekend! Mabey Jason will go to the pool with me as well. I am not going to hold my breath on that one.
Blessings!
This week, at my therapy session, we outlined some new goals. I had met some of the goals outlined, and we needed some new ones. At the same time, I have met some goals, I have gone backward in other areas. I had been realizing that I hadn't had/made time to get my at home excersizes done. So I am making a renewed effort to do my excersizes each day. Each day I can anyway, somedays it is enough just to make it through the day.
Yesterday, I walked the two blocks with Luka and my neighbor to the Fire Station Fundraiser for a BBQ lunch. I did great! I had also walked a little bit earlier that morning when Jason and I were doing some volunteering for a bike race. After lunch I went to my neighbors house and helped her out with a project. Jason called finally after he'd finished his volunteering, picked me up and we went to grab Morgan. We got to the pet supply store where we met the retired police sargent who volunteers to pick up dogs and bring them in to the rescue. We were running behind due to an accident on the interstate that Jason had to help with. We made it, better late than never!
Shortly after we arrived, wow, I started hurting. But hey, I'd done alot and I was pretty happy! Today was similar to yesterday in that I walked 2 more blocks to the fundraiser they were doing for a girl I know who has been battling cancer and brain tumors, and other things. I have to say I was a bit nervous, as I was going on my own. But I really felt compelled to show up. I was so glad to see the parking lot full and the place was packed when I got there! I sure was hoping that she would receive a good turn out and have some financial help.
It is hard for me, I walk in to places where there are lots of things going on, and it is hard for me to focus. I have been learning to get a plan in my head before I enter places. I had been at this place many times before, and it is always set up the same. That helps! Having Luka with me helps, but he is also an attention magnet. People around here are getting used to seeing me with him. Some people anyway, to many the pair of us are still a curiousity. Some people are nosey wanting to know EXACTLY why I need him and what he does. Most are not trying to be mean or whatever, most are just overly curious, a few are RUDE! I wonder if I should ask them what health issues they have, and get in their personal business. The rude ones, seem to be saying, you don't look sick, so ...... I just hope they catch me in a good mood, otherwise, I've been told by my hubby that I should have been nicer. Probably so. Today went pretty well. (I am thinking of offering up when my latest period came, how bloated I felt, the last time I had a bowl movement... etc. when they get so nosey and are condesending.) Of course Jason would be MORTIFIED by this response. .. Well at least I can be thinking it in my mind, and then picturing their faces.
Gosh, I don't mind sharing. I mean, it isn't like having a service dog is actually something that is common. Although there are two of us who have them around here. But I know she doesn't get out around town much, and hers is for more typical reasons. I have never even met her, or her dog. But I know that they have been newly teamed up.
The pancake lunch, which could have been breakfast, was good, and the walk back home went well too! It was nice. I wish I could have given more, but hey, we all do what we can. For me, I was pleased at how I did. Finding somewhere to sit, was a bit difficult. I kept seeing spots, but didn't recognize people, and couldn't focus on the tables. I finally saw a table that was completely open. Normally I would have found someone I knew and sat with them. But I just couldn't seem to see where anyone I knew was. Frustrating. But at least I was sitting. The table soon filled up and my friends mom, who I know well, stood and talked to me a little until people started trying to pet Luka. Then the conversation turned to service dogs and why I need one.
Blaa Blaa Blaa... Getting home, I came in for a rest, let the boys all out, and even sat outside in my chair with them. I was even able to water the plants! YEA!
My goal, is to go for a walk everyday. It is also to do the breathing and body part lifting excersizes in my notebook from the therapist. Today I also did my book excersizes. Luka alerted on me in the middle of them so I stopped took a pill, and went to relax. He's always been right. So I am learning to just go for the meds, and not mess around. While he doesn't catch them all, I am thankful for the ones that he does. He is getting older, and needs lots more sleep.
Great days! I am meeting my goals while doing some life living. If I'd have had to drive today I would have had to stay home because of the meds. Since I didn't I made it to what I had planned. I am so happy!
My plants are even begining to produce! Soon I will have tomatoes! Already have lettuce and herbs. I almost have a cabbage, the others got eaten by a rabbit-grrrr. I may have some onions soon as well! Yippee! I really need to weed the strawberry bed, where the rabbit seems to have taken up residence. But other than that, well, I think things are going rather well as far as vegetables go. My flowers on the other hand I am not nearly as successful.
This should be a good week. My friend Jen will be around, my sister Kyla may stop by, and my cousin Julie and some of her family will be staying with us for the weekend! Mabey Jason will go to the pool with me as well. I am not going to hold my breath on that one.
Blessings!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
bLeSsiNgs & HugGS!!
Pretty good day today, not all bad. As soon as I say or think things are better in the summer than the other seasons... BAM.. but I do enjoy the summers more, the sun does make me feel better. Most of the time I think it really is better, it could of course be completely in my imagination. If it is I would really like to keep it that way.
Otherwise there is no reason to look forward to any time of the year. I told a new friend today that I just deal with things one day at a time. He receintly survived lung cancer. OMG now that takes real courage I think. Knowing my mom survived breast cancer, and watching her up close and personal go through pancreatic cancer. All I have to say is WOW!
My mother told me, even if I could get better, I don't have the strength to get better. The fight to live was so hard on her, that it got to the point that she was ready to go. She knew for all of the pain that she was in with it, to recover from it would be even more difficult. Looking at her and watching her, I would never wish that on anyone. The pain was so great, the loss of body muscle, mass and changes to her were so profound. I could never have asked her to fight through it. I can't even imagine.
And for my new friend I am just elated, for all that he went through, he is on his way back. he fought the fight and is now celebrating on the other side. He is getting his body, mind, and spirit back in shape, and I got to be a part of it today. I am thrilled this made my day!
Waking up today I knew I was in for a busy day. I just hoped it would all shake out properly. I needed to get the house ship shape. We just got back from our regular monthly trip. I was able to go out with friends, have a good afternoon sewing even though I was hurting a bit. I kept that to myself, maybe shouldn't have gone out, but to me it was worth it. I know Jason would just rather I stay home and rest. But I had been resting.. Grrr. I am sick of resting. I want to do things! The weather was in charge of this one, so I was going to get it either way, stay home, or go out with friends. I chose GO OUT! WOO HOO! Two nights, one was after an adventure race, I rested all morning that day, went out for a bit to watch in the afternoon, and then rested more after that before people came over. Then the next night I was able to go to dinner and the movies. I was hurting some that night, the other night went really well! Yea! But after that the whole next day was worthless. Through the night the weather showed up and I was good to go the next day. A little groggy, I was able to pack my stuff up so Jason could haul it all out. He had wanted to leave the night before, but I could hardly move so we had to wait.
We could have done it, but I would have had to suffer quite alot, between riding in the bumpy Jeep, and the air conditioning still not working. Thank God, that the following day I was better. I am so happy for that. Otherwise, he may have just left me and the boys there I suppose while he went home back on his shift. I even sold a bit of MK! Yea!
We'll I was able to get the house all spiffed up after the trip. I was really hoping I would. It wasn't bad at home, just lots of bags and stuff that needed unloaded. We'd done quite alot after we got home. But there is always more. I don't ever care if things are perfect, but I do care that I did my best to do what I could. I will always be happy with that. Especially nowdays.
By the time my new friend arrived, ( yes, this was my goal) the house was better. He and his friend came to pick up our precious Shelby! What a journey for them both. She had to overcome her fear in order for this day to become possible. He had to overcome cancer for this day to be possible! He had seen her TWO YEARS ago when she was first up for adoption. He is recovering and one of the first things he did is start the search for a doberman again! Due to a series of strange yet seemingly destined events, she is not only a new dog, but still available to be his dog!
Just makes me want to cry thinking about it! A guidepost article about a dog named Yahoo is similar to that! Wow! www.guideposts.com/story/nanaws-new-blessing I just found out about that article today as well.
Luka has been like this for me! I still dread going out, primarily due to ignorant, and mean people. ( but, I am getting smarter about that.) When Luka is with me I have a greater sense of confidence, and I feel better knowing I've got him to use to negotiate stairs with no rails, not to mention when he catches my migraine before it happens! Wow! That is such a huge deal for me! I have a little taste of freedom!
I got some laundry started today, even hung some of it on the line, actually some of it is still out there tonight. I was too tired to drag the big heavy sheets in. The bundle I did grab was not so fun to do as there must be another shift in the weather because I am just a bundle of fun tonight.
Oh, well, hopefully by morning it will be gone. The migraine is mostly gone, just the pain in my body is lingering. I feel successful today even though I ended up spending the late afternoon and evening in bed and struggling with pain.
Now with all of the things going on about addictions, overdoses, and with the Tylenol issues. I don't want to wreck my liver! Gosh, I even wonder what these past five years have done to my liver! I am doing everything I can to be as healthy as possible. The cleanses, the vitamins, the healthy eating, that I've tried to do for years. I just hope it is enough.
I know my mom was ready to let go. I sometimes feel as if it would be alright if I let go, when the pain has drug on so long, if that is Gods plan, for someone to go, I pray that instead of taking someone who has a better quality of life that I am the next to go. I don't want to do anything that would speed things up for me, but if there were a gun being pointed at a room full of people, and someone has to be shot, I would definately be stepping forward.
I don't want to be living in pain hell, but even harder is watching Jason's frustrations, with what he can and can't do to help me. All of the things that he can do he isn't comfortable doing, and all of the things he can't do he things he should be able to do. He is a fixer, a patch them up and get them on to the people who solve the problems. Problem is so far there hasn't seemed to be a solution.
The pain hurts! Yes it does, but the pain on top of the emotional damage I am seeing happen to Jason makes things less berable. He is a slave to his life. We try to continue to do things that have the possiblity of making this world a better place. Use the right light bulbs, don't water the yard, just the vegetables, help those around us as much as possible with what we can when we can, help abandon and abused dogs find a better life, give our extra stuff to others so they will have stuff too... gosh.
I don't really know what good it actually does in the long run. I saw this quote tonight on TV.
"People don't behave the way that you think they should behave, but that doesn't mean that the way they behave is wrong. " The Philanthropist. ( I might have not used all the words exact. I tried to.) I so believe this, that everyone is on their own path. I do judge others, but I really try not to. I may not like what someone does, but I am not on their path. Those that cause me harm on mine, I have chosen to cut out of my life. Now more than ever. I just don't need that extra stuff to deal with.
I just really found that statement profound. Especially for me in my life. Am I angry that I am in this situation? I am frustrated. I don't think I am angry. I am struggling, but I am still the same person as I was. I am still her trying to make a difference, I am just trying to find other ways to do it. As my Mary Kay may not be the main delivery method for me. At least while there are limited resourses for me to utalize. It doesn't mean I am wanting to give up, on it! I do still love it, and if I could be a director again that would be amazing! If I could be earning my free cars again, I would be thrilled, if I could be working in any state I wanted, WOW, and if I could be working with my Exchange Daughter and friends in Brazil again I would be on top of the world!
But if those things are never to be again, and I have to make another path, I just want it to be one that Jason doesn't have to struggle so much, and that the burden is lifted from his shoulders. Just because he's got broad shoulders doesn't mean that he should have to carry the entire load.
Today was a really good day! I think with all that goes through my mind, I am sure that others may feel I am disalusioned and miserable. We'll I am where I am. I am doing what I can. Which is all I can do. If at the end of the day I have done my best. Than I would call that day a success. One thing I know for sure is that each day is a Gift!
Thanks Shelby for being one of mine! Blessings on your Forever Home! You will have an amazing future to look forward to! You both will!
Blessings and Huggs!! from Luka and I
Otherwise there is no reason to look forward to any time of the year. I told a new friend today that I just deal with things one day at a time. He receintly survived lung cancer. OMG now that takes real courage I think. Knowing my mom survived breast cancer, and watching her up close and personal go through pancreatic cancer. All I have to say is WOW!
My mother told me, even if I could get better, I don't have the strength to get better. The fight to live was so hard on her, that it got to the point that she was ready to go. She knew for all of the pain that she was in with it, to recover from it would be even more difficult. Looking at her and watching her, I would never wish that on anyone. The pain was so great, the loss of body muscle, mass and changes to her were so profound. I could never have asked her to fight through it. I can't even imagine.
And for my new friend I am just elated, for all that he went through, he is on his way back. he fought the fight and is now celebrating on the other side. He is getting his body, mind, and spirit back in shape, and I got to be a part of it today. I am thrilled this made my day!
Waking up today I knew I was in for a busy day. I just hoped it would all shake out properly. I needed to get the house ship shape. We just got back from our regular monthly trip. I was able to go out with friends, have a good afternoon sewing even though I was hurting a bit. I kept that to myself, maybe shouldn't have gone out, but to me it was worth it. I know Jason would just rather I stay home and rest. But I had been resting.. Grrr. I am sick of resting. I want to do things! The weather was in charge of this one, so I was going to get it either way, stay home, or go out with friends. I chose GO OUT! WOO HOO! Two nights, one was after an adventure race, I rested all morning that day, went out for a bit to watch in the afternoon, and then rested more after that before people came over. Then the next night I was able to go to dinner and the movies. I was hurting some that night, the other night went really well! Yea! But after that the whole next day was worthless. Through the night the weather showed up and I was good to go the next day. A little groggy, I was able to pack my stuff up so Jason could haul it all out. He had wanted to leave the night before, but I could hardly move so we had to wait.
We could have done it, but I would have had to suffer quite alot, between riding in the bumpy Jeep, and the air conditioning still not working. Thank God, that the following day I was better. I am so happy for that. Otherwise, he may have just left me and the boys there I suppose while he went home back on his shift. I even sold a bit of MK! Yea!
We'll I was able to get the house all spiffed up after the trip. I was really hoping I would. It wasn't bad at home, just lots of bags and stuff that needed unloaded. We'd done quite alot after we got home. But there is always more. I don't ever care if things are perfect, but I do care that I did my best to do what I could. I will always be happy with that. Especially nowdays.
By the time my new friend arrived, ( yes, this was my goal) the house was better. He and his friend came to pick up our precious Shelby! What a journey for them both. She had to overcome her fear in order for this day to become possible. He had to overcome cancer for this day to be possible! He had seen her TWO YEARS ago when she was first up for adoption. He is recovering and one of the first things he did is start the search for a doberman again! Due to a series of strange yet seemingly destined events, she is not only a new dog, but still available to be his dog!
Just makes me want to cry thinking about it! A guidepost article about a dog named Yahoo is similar to that! Wow! www.guideposts.com/story/nanaws-new-blessing I just found out about that article today as well.
Luka has been like this for me! I still dread going out, primarily due to ignorant, and mean people. ( but, I am getting smarter about that.) When Luka is with me I have a greater sense of confidence, and I feel better knowing I've got him to use to negotiate stairs with no rails, not to mention when he catches my migraine before it happens! Wow! That is such a huge deal for me! I have a little taste of freedom!
I got some laundry started today, even hung some of it on the line, actually some of it is still out there tonight. I was too tired to drag the big heavy sheets in. The bundle I did grab was not so fun to do as there must be another shift in the weather because I am just a bundle of fun tonight.
Oh, well, hopefully by morning it will be gone. The migraine is mostly gone, just the pain in my body is lingering. I feel successful today even though I ended up spending the late afternoon and evening in bed and struggling with pain.
Now with all of the things going on about addictions, overdoses, and with the Tylenol issues. I don't want to wreck my liver! Gosh, I even wonder what these past five years have done to my liver! I am doing everything I can to be as healthy as possible. The cleanses, the vitamins, the healthy eating, that I've tried to do for years. I just hope it is enough.
I know my mom was ready to let go. I sometimes feel as if it would be alright if I let go, when the pain has drug on so long, if that is Gods plan, for someone to go, I pray that instead of taking someone who has a better quality of life that I am the next to go. I don't want to do anything that would speed things up for me, but if there were a gun being pointed at a room full of people, and someone has to be shot, I would definately be stepping forward.
I don't want to be living in pain hell, but even harder is watching Jason's frustrations, with what he can and can't do to help me. All of the things that he can do he isn't comfortable doing, and all of the things he can't do he things he should be able to do. He is a fixer, a patch them up and get them on to the people who solve the problems. Problem is so far there hasn't seemed to be a solution.
The pain hurts! Yes it does, but the pain on top of the emotional damage I am seeing happen to Jason makes things less berable. He is a slave to his life. We try to continue to do things that have the possiblity of making this world a better place. Use the right light bulbs, don't water the yard, just the vegetables, help those around us as much as possible with what we can when we can, help abandon and abused dogs find a better life, give our extra stuff to others so they will have stuff too... gosh.
I don't really know what good it actually does in the long run. I saw this quote tonight on TV.
"People don't behave the way that you think they should behave, but that doesn't mean that the way they behave is wrong. " The Philanthropist. ( I might have not used all the words exact. I tried to.) I so believe this, that everyone is on their own path. I do judge others, but I really try not to. I may not like what someone does, but I am not on their path. Those that cause me harm on mine, I have chosen to cut out of my life. Now more than ever. I just don't need that extra stuff to deal with.
I just really found that statement profound. Especially for me in my life. Am I angry that I am in this situation? I am frustrated. I don't think I am angry. I am struggling, but I am still the same person as I was. I am still her trying to make a difference, I am just trying to find other ways to do it. As my Mary Kay may not be the main delivery method for me. At least while there are limited resourses for me to utalize. It doesn't mean I am wanting to give up, on it! I do still love it, and if I could be a director again that would be amazing! If I could be earning my free cars again, I would be thrilled, if I could be working in any state I wanted, WOW, and if I could be working with my Exchange Daughter and friends in Brazil again I would be on top of the world!
But if those things are never to be again, and I have to make another path, I just want it to be one that Jason doesn't have to struggle so much, and that the burden is lifted from his shoulders. Just because he's got broad shoulders doesn't mean that he should have to carry the entire load.
Today was a really good day! I think with all that goes through my mind, I am sure that others may feel I am disalusioned and miserable. We'll I am where I am. I am doing what I can. Which is all I can do. If at the end of the day I have done my best. Than I would call that day a success. One thing I know for sure is that each day is a Gift!
Thanks Shelby for being one of mine! Blessings on your Forever Home! You will have an amazing future to look forward to! You both will!
Blessings and Huggs!! from Luka and I
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
DoCuMeNtArY- LiFe. SuPpOrT. MuSiC.
At different points in your life there are times when you are angry, depressed, sad, numb, happy, gleeful, secure, at peace, and many many more emotional states. I wondered why I was up early today, having woken up at least by 4:30am after having went to bed about midnight. Ah well, I'll take a nap if I need too... I plan on getting my 8 hours of sleep but in some cases I can't seem to fall to sleep or I wake up way early.. it is the way it is. At least I'm not in major pain.
I had a worry that today would bring me many aching muscles. I gave all I had once again. In fact if I'd thought of it I would have taken a picture to post. It would have been pretty funny...
Day started out.. PT am, Lunch/CC: Hooters... (Jason's favorite wings are there, and he was having a trying morning, so I elected to go to Hooters for his personal well being. Feed him hot wings and it cures everything for him) I sat in on a conference call while there on Isagenix, that I wanted to listen to. (Luka fits under their tables perfect, and everyone there has been nothing but nice to us when we eat there!)
After lunch it was errands, I had a list, Dry Cleaners, of which I brought only 1/2 our stuff to be cleaned. I'd been saving it up for about a year... it costs alot to do that! I try and clean that stuff at home.. but some is of no avail and goes in the won't wear it til we get it done by the professionals pile. The $1.99 Cleaners just opened and we took things there. Thank God for that! Walgreens to get eye drops, my eye's have been makin me crazy! Bought 3 kinds, the kind of drops I had didn't work, I had puffy red swollen, matted, ichy, dry, burning horrible eyes. In and around... Thought #1 Allergies which I don't usually have. Thought #2 really bad dry eyes! I think I mentioned that Jason's Jeep is with out air, well with the windows down, sometimes the top all the way off etc... that's alot of wind! I already have dry eyes, a few years ago the eye Dr. shared I am no spring chicken and that's just what happens as we age... ( Ok, so he didn't use those exact words...).
I used one of the things last night, it seems to have done the trick! Tried droping some stuff off to be consigned but, I need to get that figured out better, so I match the right clothes with the right store. Good learning experience, Jason dropped some paperwork off for one of his part time gigs, and we got more dog food, which is a reoccuring experience. I was wiped! Therapy had done me in... but I thought I'll rest when I can and do what I can and just push through. I was just tired and achy very achy! Slowly but surely I did it, with Jason following me around most places. Thanks Jason, after Hooters, life for him was much better!
Arriving home, brought about a longer list of things needing done. I finished cleaning out the clothes in my wardrobe that didn't fit, that I'd been holding on to because I had nothing else, I thought at least I wouldn't have to appear some where naked this way, although as I found out, even while wearing clothes, if they don't fit, you may as well have been, thank goodness for the investment in bra's and undies early on that stay put is all I have to say!
Now if you see me looking a bit teenagerish, well, that's what was at the Goodwill that fit and I liked! The old lady stuff just doesn't make me happy, so it is staying at the Goodwill! Of course I'd like to build up age appropriate attire, but I am not exactly sure what that is at this point in my life...
Closet sorted, while Jason napped. I don't do much quick but I can do things slowly! This was about the 5th time going through my clothes. I think for the most part I am done with that. Shoes is next. I have hardly worn anything besides flip flops, slippers, and sneakers for the past 5 years, I looked at my shoes some of which I have had since before I got married... and have yellow soles, and cracking leather,,,, I need to get rid of them, they are junking up my space!
I had been asking for help washing the dogs for weeks, but Jason never seemed to get the hint, I think he must really hate washing them or think it doesn't matter. Well, they really don't get that dirty, but they shed everywhere, and Luka has a very thick coat for a doberman, and he's way to HOT! The last time I gave them a bath I was in bed for 3 days from the pain. I was so not looking forward to this! I put my swim suit on and headed out to get them cleaned up. I like giving them baths, it is just hard for me and it does hurt, not necessarily bad unless I'd twist funny.. which I am always careful not to do.. I now sit on coolers I have two sizes one that is taller for like 1 meal, and the other which is smaller and shorter, that holds about 5 water bottles. The shorter one works better, and when I fall off, which does happen, it is closer to the ground.
I had gotten this long handled garden sprayer this year, and thought I'd try that and see how it worked as there are several settings for the water, kinda like those fancy hotel shower heads. THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT THING! It worked awesome despite being awkward because for dog bathing the handle is way to long, it saved me so much work! Now granted I was still quite sore afterward, but slowly but surely does the trick. I am sure before, seeing as how for a very short time in my life I got paid to be a very bad dog groomer. But I was always good at giving baths. No one should EVER let me cut their hair! NOT EVER! I am not good at it!
Shelby and Luka made it through the bath and are squeeky clean! Ozzie on the other hand, slept through the entire adventure while on the basement couch. Jason had a fire call in the middle of my bathing, so that made an interesting afternoon for him as well, he was busy fixing a few things around the house. We fix one thing and something else breaks, or needs fixed because of being old... Ahhhhhhh the joys! What ever we have the money for is always next on the list at this point, but I think many people are like that.
Dad's car's transmission is on its way out, we were hoping that would help us out on our next trip, but don't want to take it that far away, it is getting really scarry. I plan on only using it in town. It almost makes me sick to call him and tell him, since he has fixed one thing after another on it. Talk about a money pit. It is going to be a new car soon. Can't say a whole lot our Jeep seems to be in the same boat. GRRR...
Dogs clean, on to the vegetables, I've got all these little plants I grew from seeds sitting out back, I keep not planting them because I hurt and don't want to feel worse. I thought, well, I've done everything I can today, I might as well keep going, slowly but surely. My muscles burning and aching, make each move of the day quite painful. But I've got a goal in my mind that is for sure! Thinking of each of these activities as therapy excersizes also helps. As I am getting stronger, and stronger FINALLY!
I sat outside for a bit while Jason watered all of my pots for me, and had a wine cooler. I don't have them often, but it sounded good after Jason had had a beer. And he'd gotten them for me and my friend the other night, we each had one. Off to the shower. Jason laughed at me, as I am still in my swim suit, only now I've been soaked by water, covered in dog hair, and I have dirt everywhere from potting plants! He often asks me, " What happened to that tough farm girl I married?" I usually don't have the best response. I wish I had a picture of that! I'd carry it around and show him that when he asks. I don't mind hard work, and I don't mind gettting dirty doing it. Except of course when I am all dressed up!
So this morning and the main reason I wanted to blog right now, is that while fliping around on the television while drinking my shake for breakfast, I ended up at PBS. I just LOVE PBS! There was a show already in progress, that just started speaking to me. www.pbs.org/pov/lifesupportmusic I have also tried to include the link at the title, but I am going to have to do some fiddling around to get all of this to work right. I will soon..
Life. Support. Music about Jason Crigler's journey through a near fatal brain hemorrhage, told by friend and filmmaker Eric Danial Metzgar. I ended up catching about the last 1/2 of the film. While I didn't have this same thing happen to me, so many of the things he went through, corralate with my journey. I think the begining of his journey is dissimilar, as they never even kept me in the hospital at all after my accident. I remember all of the days and nights where my body would shake uncontrollably, I remember because it drove Jason nuts. It did me too, but he hated it. I think wives are better than husbands at snuggling up. (if you watch the movie you'll understand.) So many times I wished there'd been more support for Jason. Like the film showed, I was able to give that to my mom while she died of pancreatic cancer, I didn't do a great job of it when she went through breast cancer. I did up until the day of my accident, do a great job of taking care of my Grandmother as well. (I am really mad at my accident for taking me away from my Grandmother. I would clip her toe nails, paint them, rub her feet, rub her legs, rub her hands and paint her finger nails. Wash her dentures, not just put them in a dish of cleaner, but scrub them ( I really hated doing that, it grossed me out to be honest. But no one else did this for her or the other things that I did that I knew of. ) I would also give her a head massage, and fluff her hair. Another cousin of mine paid for her to go to the salon so she'd be all clean and nice. I'd bring my computer in occasionally to share family pictures with her as well.
I was there to see her once a week to every two weeks. I'd stick around for an hour or two, what ever I had time for or she could handle. I wanted her to feel special, and truth be told, she was at the nursing home with other ladies who'd always put her down as she'd been poor and unconventional there may have been other reasons as well, I don't know. She'd only mentioned it once to me in her entire life. Even if she hadn't it was evident. I used to visit her at home and at the senior center before she was in the nursing home. I always made sure to look better than anyone else when I came to visit her in public places. Sounds silly I know, but I wanted everyone there to know that she was someone special and important! She was to me!
I don't know how many other grandkids did that for their grandparents, I am sure there are some, but she'd always been there for me and my sisters, and I wanted to make sure to be there for her. I was so upset still am I guess, for not being able to go see her after the accident. I just couldn't handle the 3 hour drive each way. I wouldn't have been able to do those things for her anyway, but I could still show up.
Oh, I tried for a while, but the longer it went after the accident the worse it got, the more pain came the more I did the worse I got, trying to keep my business's so I could continue to bring money in became the goal, as well as getting better.
Watching the show this morning, I really envied the support he had. However, God had prepared me for this. I always thought that the skills that I had gained from my 17 years in Mary Kay were so that I could pass them on to others, and use them to benefit others. Truth be told, it wasn't until reciently that I have noticed, that even though there wasn't any family support available, or fundraisers or things.. that my Mary Kay gave me the skills of staying happy when things look horrible, putting a happy face on everything no matter how bleak. The saying never let'em see you sweat, was something that to me and to Jason as well, meant that we just smile and get through it.
I think that is good, but on the other hand, and the main reason I started this blog was to share what we/I am really going through. People would look at us like we were making this up, because I look perfect. I sound perfect for the most part. It's only when you are really around me for a while that you will notice. I try really hard for that. I remember making the decision to make sure my mouth was closed, as it would hang open at times as well. I know for months/years I was in so much pain, and having so many back to back to back to back migraines, that would last days have a break for a day or two and start over again. I couldn't feel most of my body. I could move it but I couldn't feel the pain in it. My body would block it, stuff that I knew should hurt didn't. I remember many Dr's poking me with pointy objects all over my body, inserting needles etc. and there was no pain.
I am now having to relearn how to move my body in ways that won't cause me more pain and further injury. Jason doesn't even completely understand, I just can't explain it... Geesh enough about this stuff. I don't remember many days/years because of the medication, on the other hand so many things are stuck in my head like it was yesterday.
I cried while watching the documentary today. The Jason in the documentary must have been such an extrordinary person for people to come together like this around him. My heart breaks as theirs does for the people who don't have the family, friends, and resourses to handle something like this. Who are in nursing homes, in a horrible state. It hits home for me so much, because after I had been doing better, Jason shared with me that he thought he was going to have to put me in a nursing home. In addition to Jason, there have been so many people of note so far that have helped so much. Our exchange student Fernanda, who we had already commited to hosting, who we would never have had we known the reality of my situation. ( as it wasn't as fun of an experience for her had I been healthy), Rebecca who was in my unit and who stepped up to help me to work in my office, Linda a friend who came in and helped with my business (she came at a time when I thought no one cared, that in itself helped so much), Gwen who's always on the look out for things that might help me, Ruth who does the same, Karen my MK Director friend who drove me to many events, my dad who's shared his car with us, a church group in Kansas which my cousin belongs to that sent a prayer quilt just at the right time,
Jen and Brent our forever friends who are the biggest blessings in so many ways, my friend Barb who hooks me up with unusual things, my sister Kyla who went grocery shopping and surprised us with groceries when we could really use them. MaryBelle who always has a fun diversion for us, and my neighbors, who are really great! There are more people as well, some I've mentioned other times, and other's I've never mentioned. I am so grateful! I've got it so good!
I would wish that no one would ever suffer from anything. But as we all suffer from or with something, that there are caring giving people who would always be there for those going through the worst times in their lives.
The documentary really reminded me also of when my mom was going through hospice care at our house in 2001. Our house was alive with love for months! We were full of people in and out, helping visiting all of them caring and sharing! What a blessing it was to know that type of love.
So we've got some great things coming up! After my activities yesterday, I am no worse for them! YEA! So, I've got a list of more things I need to get busy with. As this has taken far to long for me to write. Someday I will just write a few words! I want to be able to take those cool pictures, and post them. And continually talk about exciting and fun things going on in my life.
I am so glad that documentary was made and that he is doing so incredibly well, and while doing so well he is also giving back. What a gift! Thanks for giving it!
Things are moving forward, and I can't wait for tomorrow, what ever it holds! I am blessed!
I had a worry that today would bring me many aching muscles. I gave all I had once again. In fact if I'd thought of it I would have taken a picture to post. It would have been pretty funny...
Day started out.. PT am, Lunch/CC: Hooters... (Jason's favorite wings are there, and he was having a trying morning, so I elected to go to Hooters for his personal well being. Feed him hot wings and it cures everything for him) I sat in on a conference call while there on Isagenix, that I wanted to listen to. (Luka fits under their tables perfect, and everyone there has been nothing but nice to us when we eat there!)
After lunch it was errands, I had a list, Dry Cleaners, of which I brought only 1/2 our stuff to be cleaned. I'd been saving it up for about a year... it costs alot to do that! I try and clean that stuff at home.. but some is of no avail and goes in the won't wear it til we get it done by the professionals pile. The $1.99 Cleaners just opened and we took things there. Thank God for that! Walgreens to get eye drops, my eye's have been makin me crazy! Bought 3 kinds, the kind of drops I had didn't work, I had puffy red swollen, matted, ichy, dry, burning horrible eyes. In and around... Thought #1 Allergies which I don't usually have. Thought #2 really bad dry eyes! I think I mentioned that Jason's Jeep is with out air, well with the windows down, sometimes the top all the way off etc... that's alot of wind! I already have dry eyes, a few years ago the eye Dr. shared I am no spring chicken and that's just what happens as we age... ( Ok, so he didn't use those exact words...).
I used one of the things last night, it seems to have done the trick! Tried droping some stuff off to be consigned but, I need to get that figured out better, so I match the right clothes with the right store. Good learning experience, Jason dropped some paperwork off for one of his part time gigs, and we got more dog food, which is a reoccuring experience. I was wiped! Therapy had done me in... but I thought I'll rest when I can and do what I can and just push through. I was just tired and achy very achy! Slowly but surely I did it, with Jason following me around most places. Thanks Jason, after Hooters, life for him was much better!
Arriving home, brought about a longer list of things needing done. I finished cleaning out the clothes in my wardrobe that didn't fit, that I'd been holding on to because I had nothing else, I thought at least I wouldn't have to appear some where naked this way, although as I found out, even while wearing clothes, if they don't fit, you may as well have been, thank goodness for the investment in bra's and undies early on that stay put is all I have to say!
Now if you see me looking a bit teenagerish, well, that's what was at the Goodwill that fit and I liked! The old lady stuff just doesn't make me happy, so it is staying at the Goodwill! Of course I'd like to build up age appropriate attire, but I am not exactly sure what that is at this point in my life...
Closet sorted, while Jason napped. I don't do much quick but I can do things slowly! This was about the 5th time going through my clothes. I think for the most part I am done with that. Shoes is next. I have hardly worn anything besides flip flops, slippers, and sneakers for the past 5 years, I looked at my shoes some of which I have had since before I got married... and have yellow soles, and cracking leather,,,, I need to get rid of them, they are junking up my space!
I had been asking for help washing the dogs for weeks, but Jason never seemed to get the hint, I think he must really hate washing them or think it doesn't matter. Well, they really don't get that dirty, but they shed everywhere, and Luka has a very thick coat for a doberman, and he's way to HOT! The last time I gave them a bath I was in bed for 3 days from the pain. I was so not looking forward to this! I put my swim suit on and headed out to get them cleaned up. I like giving them baths, it is just hard for me and it does hurt, not necessarily bad unless I'd twist funny.. which I am always careful not to do.. I now sit on coolers I have two sizes one that is taller for like 1 meal, and the other which is smaller and shorter, that holds about 5 water bottles. The shorter one works better, and when I fall off, which does happen, it is closer to the ground.
I had gotten this long handled garden sprayer this year, and thought I'd try that and see how it worked as there are several settings for the water, kinda like those fancy hotel shower heads. THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT THING! It worked awesome despite being awkward because for dog bathing the handle is way to long, it saved me so much work! Now granted I was still quite sore afterward, but slowly but surely does the trick. I am sure before, seeing as how for a very short time in my life I got paid to be a very bad dog groomer. But I was always good at giving baths. No one should EVER let me cut their hair! NOT EVER! I am not good at it!
Shelby and Luka made it through the bath and are squeeky clean! Ozzie on the other hand, slept through the entire adventure while on the basement couch. Jason had a fire call in the middle of my bathing, so that made an interesting afternoon for him as well, he was busy fixing a few things around the house. We fix one thing and something else breaks, or needs fixed because of being old... Ahhhhhhh the joys! What ever we have the money for is always next on the list at this point, but I think many people are like that.
Dad's car's transmission is on its way out, we were hoping that would help us out on our next trip, but don't want to take it that far away, it is getting really scarry. I plan on only using it in town. It almost makes me sick to call him and tell him, since he has fixed one thing after another on it. Talk about a money pit. It is going to be a new car soon. Can't say a whole lot our Jeep seems to be in the same boat. GRRR...
Dogs clean, on to the vegetables, I've got all these little plants I grew from seeds sitting out back, I keep not planting them because I hurt and don't want to feel worse. I thought, well, I've done everything I can today, I might as well keep going, slowly but surely. My muscles burning and aching, make each move of the day quite painful. But I've got a goal in my mind that is for sure! Thinking of each of these activities as therapy excersizes also helps. As I am getting stronger, and stronger FINALLY!
I sat outside for a bit while Jason watered all of my pots for me, and had a wine cooler. I don't have them often, but it sounded good after Jason had had a beer. And he'd gotten them for me and my friend the other night, we each had one. Off to the shower. Jason laughed at me, as I am still in my swim suit, only now I've been soaked by water, covered in dog hair, and I have dirt everywhere from potting plants! He often asks me, " What happened to that tough farm girl I married?" I usually don't have the best response. I wish I had a picture of that! I'd carry it around and show him that when he asks. I don't mind hard work, and I don't mind gettting dirty doing it. Except of course when I am all dressed up!
So this morning and the main reason I wanted to blog right now, is that while fliping around on the television while drinking my shake for breakfast, I ended up at PBS. I just LOVE PBS! There was a show already in progress, that just started speaking to me. www.pbs.org/pov/lifesupportmusic I have also tried to include the link at the title, but I am going to have to do some fiddling around to get all of this to work right. I will soon..
Life. Support. Music about Jason Crigler's journey through a near fatal brain hemorrhage, told by friend and filmmaker Eric Danial Metzgar. I ended up catching about the last 1/2 of the film. While I didn't have this same thing happen to me, so many of the things he went through, corralate with my journey. I think the begining of his journey is dissimilar, as they never even kept me in the hospital at all after my accident. I remember all of the days and nights where my body would shake uncontrollably, I remember because it drove Jason nuts. It did me too, but he hated it. I think wives are better than husbands at snuggling up. (if you watch the movie you'll understand.) So many times I wished there'd been more support for Jason. Like the film showed, I was able to give that to my mom while she died of pancreatic cancer, I didn't do a great job of it when she went through breast cancer. I did up until the day of my accident, do a great job of taking care of my Grandmother as well. (I am really mad at my accident for taking me away from my Grandmother. I would clip her toe nails, paint them, rub her feet, rub her legs, rub her hands and paint her finger nails. Wash her dentures, not just put them in a dish of cleaner, but scrub them ( I really hated doing that, it grossed me out to be honest. But no one else did this for her or the other things that I did that I knew of. ) I would also give her a head massage, and fluff her hair. Another cousin of mine paid for her to go to the salon so she'd be all clean and nice. I'd bring my computer in occasionally to share family pictures with her as well.
I was there to see her once a week to every two weeks. I'd stick around for an hour or two, what ever I had time for or she could handle. I wanted her to feel special, and truth be told, she was at the nursing home with other ladies who'd always put her down as she'd been poor and unconventional there may have been other reasons as well, I don't know. She'd only mentioned it once to me in her entire life. Even if she hadn't it was evident. I used to visit her at home and at the senior center before she was in the nursing home. I always made sure to look better than anyone else when I came to visit her in public places. Sounds silly I know, but I wanted everyone there to know that she was someone special and important! She was to me!
I don't know how many other grandkids did that for their grandparents, I am sure there are some, but she'd always been there for me and my sisters, and I wanted to make sure to be there for her. I was so upset still am I guess, for not being able to go see her after the accident. I just couldn't handle the 3 hour drive each way. I wouldn't have been able to do those things for her anyway, but I could still show up.
Oh, I tried for a while, but the longer it went after the accident the worse it got, the more pain came the more I did the worse I got, trying to keep my business's so I could continue to bring money in became the goal, as well as getting better.
Watching the show this morning, I really envied the support he had. However, God had prepared me for this. I always thought that the skills that I had gained from my 17 years in Mary Kay were so that I could pass them on to others, and use them to benefit others. Truth be told, it wasn't until reciently that I have noticed, that even though there wasn't any family support available, or fundraisers or things.. that my Mary Kay gave me the skills of staying happy when things look horrible, putting a happy face on everything no matter how bleak. The saying never let'em see you sweat, was something that to me and to Jason as well, meant that we just smile and get through it.
I think that is good, but on the other hand, and the main reason I started this blog was to share what we/I am really going through. People would look at us like we were making this up, because I look perfect. I sound perfect for the most part. It's only when you are really around me for a while that you will notice. I try really hard for that. I remember making the decision to make sure my mouth was closed, as it would hang open at times as well. I know for months/years I was in so much pain, and having so many back to back to back to back migraines, that would last days have a break for a day or two and start over again. I couldn't feel most of my body. I could move it but I couldn't feel the pain in it. My body would block it, stuff that I knew should hurt didn't. I remember many Dr's poking me with pointy objects all over my body, inserting needles etc. and there was no pain.
I am now having to relearn how to move my body in ways that won't cause me more pain and further injury. Jason doesn't even completely understand, I just can't explain it... Geesh enough about this stuff. I don't remember many days/years because of the medication, on the other hand so many things are stuck in my head like it was yesterday.
I cried while watching the documentary today. The Jason in the documentary must have been such an extrordinary person for people to come together like this around him. My heart breaks as theirs does for the people who don't have the family, friends, and resourses to handle something like this. Who are in nursing homes, in a horrible state. It hits home for me so much, because after I had been doing better, Jason shared with me that he thought he was going to have to put me in a nursing home. In addition to Jason, there have been so many people of note so far that have helped so much. Our exchange student Fernanda, who we had already commited to hosting, who we would never have had we known the reality of my situation. ( as it wasn't as fun of an experience for her had I been healthy), Rebecca who was in my unit and who stepped up to help me to work in my office, Linda a friend who came in and helped with my business (she came at a time when I thought no one cared, that in itself helped so much), Gwen who's always on the look out for things that might help me, Ruth who does the same, Karen my MK Director friend who drove me to many events, my dad who's shared his car with us, a church group in Kansas which my cousin belongs to that sent a prayer quilt just at the right time,
Jen and Brent our forever friends who are the biggest blessings in so many ways, my friend Barb who hooks me up with unusual things, my sister Kyla who went grocery shopping and surprised us with groceries when we could really use them. MaryBelle who always has a fun diversion for us, and my neighbors, who are really great! There are more people as well, some I've mentioned other times, and other's I've never mentioned. I am so grateful! I've got it so good!
I would wish that no one would ever suffer from anything. But as we all suffer from or with something, that there are caring giving people who would always be there for those going through the worst times in their lives.
The documentary really reminded me also of when my mom was going through hospice care at our house in 2001. Our house was alive with love for months! We were full of people in and out, helping visiting all of them caring and sharing! What a blessing it was to know that type of love.
So we've got some great things coming up! After my activities yesterday, I am no worse for them! YEA! So, I've got a list of more things I need to get busy with. As this has taken far to long for me to write. Someday I will just write a few words! I want to be able to take those cool pictures, and post them. And continually talk about exciting and fun things going on in my life.
I am so glad that documentary was made and that he is doing so incredibly well, and while doing so well he is also giving back. What a gift! Thanks for giving it!
Things are moving forward, and I can't wait for tomorrow, what ever it holds! I am blessed!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
StAr LiGhT sTaR bRiGht...
Wish I may Wish I might have the wish I wish tonight. Life is funny you know. One minute you are headed one direction, the next minute you've been taken hostage blindsided and end up twisted up, turned around and sideways.
The next minute you've been dusted off, wiped up, and your piece has been added back to the game board.
As a kid I would always love playing Monopoly I have several old versions of the game, although I haven't played in what seems forever. I loved buying properties, I liked building hotels and houses and collecting the money. I know that probably makes me some warped child.. I would play the game with the goal of getting both Boardwalk and Park Place. I think that is how many people play the game. I of course like those, but I am also happy with many of the others as well, owning them doesn't insure you of anything.
Just like life. You may see people who's lives look like they've got it all, when in reality, their world is nothing but a shell. Not always, as books have many covers, but to assume that life is better on someone elses journey than it is on yours is one of the biggest deceptions. Each of us are on the path that we were meant to travel. I don't know why, I feel like that I just do. We've got choices to make that impact ourselves and others. Consequenses to face both good and bad.
When I was a child I had a glorious existance. Other's might not have thought so as I thought I lived on Park Place. I never felt bad about growing up in a trailor for much of my life. Some of my favorite toys outside were the old rusty iron pieces from cars and implements, that were piled up to some day take to the scrap yard. The beautiful shell of a barn that held unique boards, tools, and other misc items was like a play house. I remember one of my favorite times when I was really small was making mud bowls under a tree. I also collected rocks and then sold them door to door, I still amazed that people gave me money for them. I think that is one of the first times I knew I loved to share things I loved with people, and in doing so I would be rewarded. I probably got a whole dollar or something.
In high school, I sold magazines, and fruit to raise money for my Future Farmers of America group. I sold alot of magazines! I went door to door then too. I know, I must have been pretty annoying! But I was excited, I was motivated, each day I had spare time after school I chose to go out and sell magazines in town. Most of the people I sold them to I had never seen before. I planned my route, and wore my FFA Jacket and told people about all of the cool magazines they could get and why I was so excited. I ended up winning lots of great prizes over the years. I wasn't nearly as excited about the fruit, only selling a box or two of that. The fruit was good and all but I was more excited about the magazines.
Being the only girl in my class, and not being from a prominant family at all, I was very proud of my sales accomplishments as I would many times have sold more than most everyone else. I learned later that many had parents who'd sit at coffee shops and show off the magazines to friends for their kids, or take them to work with them... I wish I'd thought of that! I could have sold so many more with a combined effort... Not only would I have gotten cooler prizes, more people gotten the magazines they would probably have bought in line at the supermarket and paid full price, but my FFA group would have had a larger operating budget.
I guess it is now wonder that I excelled in selling lipstick! Hee Hee! Since I love lipstick more than magazines... I didn't even go door to door! My friends love it too! Everything just bloomed and grew! I am still enjoying that! Although I do it on a more limited scale these days, but I am thankful that I still have the opportunity to help others get what they want.
I think that is also why I am having fun sharing about the changes with my life that were brought about by starting a better nutrition and cleansing program. I'd been pretty upset, being told that Vocational Rehabilitation wouldn't even open a case with me. Told me I had too many things wrong, told me to work from home in a mail stuffing scam... the lady even sent me the paper. Geesh!
While I certainly didn't start using the Isagenix Nutrition and Cleanse to share with others. I didn't keep track of much, the Dr.s office did. Which is pretty cool, I didn't even own a scale until reciently. Wow! I still need to get some more tests done to make sure I am meeting my health goals. But my physical body is undergoing some crazy changes. I am looking more toned and healthy each month! I can't help but share, but this is the craziest thing, everyone who's been watching my transformation is excited too! It has almost been a year since I started using the shakes and stuff!
In addition I am also working to start another idea shared by my sister. I am preping things so that I can sell them too, on my time. I don't know if any of these things will lead to something that I can actually make enough money to impact our financial needs. Besides the maintenence on our home and vehicles which we are sorely behind on I am now going to be working on saving money for my next service dog.
I got so lucky with Luka, as he was given to me essentially with only minimal costs... he's allowed me so much more freedom than I was able to have before he came along. I feel much safer going out and doing things, he gives me a great deal of comfort around the house as well. While he doesn't catch every migraine, he catches many, and by doing so has freed me up to actually get up and out more. He's a steady force for me to use when I don't feel well at all, and I can be assured that once on the floor, I can get myself back up using him as leverage. He loves doing these things! But he is also loving to sleep more and more as he is pretty old for this job.
My next service dog I need to save minimum of $2,100.oo just to get the dog. This amount isn't nearly what one would cost if I would have to pay for all of the training and more. It is tens of thouands in some cases. While I don't know how I am going to make what I need happen, I am going to give it my best shot. One step at a time, keeping us afloat first and then squrling away what we can for our plan. All things will come to pass, I just need to work like it is all up to me and pray as if it is all up to God! I can do that! I am not speedy especially now, but I don't give up easy!
I have to admit I am very nervous since we've not been able to even save enough for a deck so we have steps out the front of our house, or to get me a car of my own, or fix the things we have so we could sell them to help pay for other things... I do have faith, I also have a great deal of determination. I have the memories of my past endeavors, and while embarking on something new is always scarry for me, I truly believe anything is possible. It might take a while, but I am worth working for, and so is Jason's peace of mind knowing that I am not stuck somewhere on my own.
Who knows maybe someday I can buy land and build homes, or help people in other ways. I am sure first in line to admit I don't know what tomorrow holds. I am not going to stop dreaming!
Star light, Star bright... the wish I have is to work tonight!
The next minute you've been dusted off, wiped up, and your piece has been added back to the game board.
As a kid I would always love playing Monopoly I have several old versions of the game, although I haven't played in what seems forever. I loved buying properties, I liked building hotels and houses and collecting the money. I know that probably makes me some warped child.. I would play the game with the goal of getting both Boardwalk and Park Place. I think that is how many people play the game. I of course like those, but I am also happy with many of the others as well, owning them doesn't insure you of anything.
Just like life. You may see people who's lives look like they've got it all, when in reality, their world is nothing but a shell. Not always, as books have many covers, but to assume that life is better on someone elses journey than it is on yours is one of the biggest deceptions. Each of us are on the path that we were meant to travel. I don't know why, I feel like that I just do. We've got choices to make that impact ourselves and others. Consequenses to face both good and bad.
When I was a child I had a glorious existance. Other's might not have thought so as I thought I lived on Park Place. I never felt bad about growing up in a trailor for much of my life. Some of my favorite toys outside were the old rusty iron pieces from cars and implements, that were piled up to some day take to the scrap yard. The beautiful shell of a barn that held unique boards, tools, and other misc items was like a play house. I remember one of my favorite times when I was really small was making mud bowls under a tree. I also collected rocks and then sold them door to door, I still amazed that people gave me money for them. I think that is one of the first times I knew I loved to share things I loved with people, and in doing so I would be rewarded. I probably got a whole dollar or something.
In high school, I sold magazines, and fruit to raise money for my Future Farmers of America group. I sold alot of magazines! I went door to door then too. I know, I must have been pretty annoying! But I was excited, I was motivated, each day I had spare time after school I chose to go out and sell magazines in town. Most of the people I sold them to I had never seen before. I planned my route, and wore my FFA Jacket and told people about all of the cool magazines they could get and why I was so excited. I ended up winning lots of great prizes over the years. I wasn't nearly as excited about the fruit, only selling a box or two of that. The fruit was good and all but I was more excited about the magazines.
Being the only girl in my class, and not being from a prominant family at all, I was very proud of my sales accomplishments as I would many times have sold more than most everyone else. I learned later that many had parents who'd sit at coffee shops and show off the magazines to friends for their kids, or take them to work with them... I wish I'd thought of that! I could have sold so many more with a combined effort... Not only would I have gotten cooler prizes, more people gotten the magazines they would probably have bought in line at the supermarket and paid full price, but my FFA group would have had a larger operating budget.
I guess it is now wonder that I excelled in selling lipstick! Hee Hee! Since I love lipstick more than magazines... I didn't even go door to door! My friends love it too! Everything just bloomed and grew! I am still enjoying that! Although I do it on a more limited scale these days, but I am thankful that I still have the opportunity to help others get what they want.
I think that is also why I am having fun sharing about the changes with my life that were brought about by starting a better nutrition and cleansing program. I'd been pretty upset, being told that Vocational Rehabilitation wouldn't even open a case with me. Told me I had too many things wrong, told me to work from home in a mail stuffing scam... the lady even sent me the paper. Geesh!
While I certainly didn't start using the Isagenix Nutrition and Cleanse to share with others. I didn't keep track of much, the Dr.s office did. Which is pretty cool, I didn't even own a scale until reciently. Wow! I still need to get some more tests done to make sure I am meeting my health goals. But my physical body is undergoing some crazy changes. I am looking more toned and healthy each month! I can't help but share, but this is the craziest thing, everyone who's been watching my transformation is excited too! It has almost been a year since I started using the shakes and stuff!
In addition I am also working to start another idea shared by my sister. I am preping things so that I can sell them too, on my time. I don't know if any of these things will lead to something that I can actually make enough money to impact our financial needs. Besides the maintenence on our home and vehicles which we are sorely behind on I am now going to be working on saving money for my next service dog.
I got so lucky with Luka, as he was given to me essentially with only minimal costs... he's allowed me so much more freedom than I was able to have before he came along. I feel much safer going out and doing things, he gives me a great deal of comfort around the house as well. While he doesn't catch every migraine, he catches many, and by doing so has freed me up to actually get up and out more. He's a steady force for me to use when I don't feel well at all, and I can be assured that once on the floor, I can get myself back up using him as leverage. He loves doing these things! But he is also loving to sleep more and more as he is pretty old for this job.
My next service dog I need to save minimum of $2,100.oo just to get the dog. This amount isn't nearly what one would cost if I would have to pay for all of the training and more. It is tens of thouands in some cases. While I don't know how I am going to make what I need happen, I am going to give it my best shot. One step at a time, keeping us afloat first and then squrling away what we can for our plan. All things will come to pass, I just need to work like it is all up to me and pray as if it is all up to God! I can do that! I am not speedy especially now, but I don't give up easy!
I have to admit I am very nervous since we've not been able to even save enough for a deck so we have steps out the front of our house, or to get me a car of my own, or fix the things we have so we could sell them to help pay for other things... I do have faith, I also have a great deal of determination. I have the memories of my past endeavors, and while embarking on something new is always scarry for me, I truly believe anything is possible. It might take a while, but I am worth working for, and so is Jason's peace of mind knowing that I am not stuck somewhere on my own.
Who knows maybe someday I can buy land and build homes, or help people in other ways. I am sure first in line to admit I don't know what tomorrow holds. I am not going to stop dreaming!
Star light, Star bright... the wish I have is to work tonight!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
SeCoNd tHiRd FoUrTh & FiFtH oF jUlY!
The days these days somehow seem to just all run together. I realize that each day does hold some distinction, but when I sit to recall, it is so much easier to not apply a date and time to a past activitiy.
Yesterday for me is sticking in my mind rather easily though today. I got up in the morning to let the dogs out, Jason had already left for work. There are always things needing to be done around here. Yesterday was no exception. I have had a list mounting as lists do. I had been hurting for a few days, Thurs, Fri, Sat... when waking up to let the dogs out, I could hardly move yet again... I was so not happy. I wasn't having migraines, I was just having the neck shoulder and arm pain, it did radiate to my head but mostly just to my ear and jaw. I'd been icing with ice bags all night and during the day as I could as well.
Friday night, I refused to stay home, after getting a massage, waiting in the car for Jason to get his hair cut, driving through Runza to grab some food, I was famished! I ate a whole value meal. I hadn't done that in a long while.. ok I didn't eat it ALL but most of it. We arrived home in time for me to rest up, we had supper plans with friends that night, I had only been taking one darvocet every six to eight hours or so. Now being fearful of destroying my liver... It helped a little, but I certainly wasn't able to function. I was just walking around, or riding in the car as if I were on egg shells. I knew as long as I didn't get worse that I could make it to supper.
I might not be the most exciting person to have over, but I would be able to sit somewhere and not move much, but have some type of conversation. I really look forward to the changes of scenery. As well as spending time with old or new friends. Our old friends, Wendy and Kelvin are the best! They are both super sweet, and Jason and I really enjoy spending some time with them. We don't see them to often, but when we do Jason and I like getting caught up on their lives. They are such giving and talented people, Friday night was no exception. They were able to help with an alumni project I am working on as well. YEA!
It was so much fun to conjur up old memories working on that project. I was even able to help by writing some names down. My lawn chair is begining to go everywhere I go. It is one of the few places that I can sit in for any length of time. I am looking for another one of these chairs, but have found that no one is carrying that model or even something similar. And the few times I have actually seen one, there hasn't been any money, or enough to get more. I just pray that this chair doesn't break... the others all have..
For the last part of the night I was actually laying down flat on my back with my legs up bent up to my chest. I know that seems like the most uncomfortable position for most people, but this is one of the ways I can lay that takes the pressure off of most of my hurting joints. I usually don't do this in front of others. It isn't the most proper way to behave, in fact it is probably one of the least proper ways to spend time with others. Thank goodness we've got understanding friends.
They were able to come to a stopping point in our project and Jason insisted we go. That was all on the third ao July. Waking up on the fourth to let the dogs out, my ice was warm, Jason had even refreshed it when he left in the morning, I decided I would just do what I had to do, go to the bathroom, grab my shake, and the dogs were taken care of. I grabed more ice packs, and headed back to bed. the dobermans curled up on bed with me Luka on one side, and our foster dog Shelby on the other. Luka just laid there completely in line with me, with his head on my tummy for hours. I slept, woke slept woke, slept woke... I had turned the television on to a PBS station Create, keeping the volume low gave my mind something to do so I wouldn't have to have random thoughts going through my mind. About 1pm I was finally able to get up. The pain mostly had left now. I fiddled around a while, grabbed some cheese and kiwi to eat. We really need to get some groceries. I hope we will be able to this week.
I was craving crackers too, but those have been gone for a while now. It's not that there isn't food in the house, there certainly is. I am just out of some of our favorites, and some staples... The other day, Wednesday, after my great Physical Therapy session, I was able to drive myself to Goodwill to do some clothes shopping.
I had had a great Physical Therapy Session! Woo HOO! My therapist Kristi shared that this was the best I had ever been able to do! That I actually did all that she had planned, and that it was the first session I had ever really been able to complete! I was so excited! It felt so good! Each session 2-3x per week I've been going since Feb or March I think and this was the first week that I did every element on her plan for the day. More than that, I did each of them enough times, and for as long as she had in her plan! YEA!
I know that I've been improving, I could tell. While I struggle with things each day, I haven't fallen in a long time. I most of the time don't feel as if my legs are going to buckle out from underneath me. Not that I am the most steady person, but it is a big relief to stand and feel that my legs will not fail. My goal is to get back to wearing heels, my dream would be that I could once again wear my platform heels!
I had been wearing heels since eighth grade. I love them! I love pretty pretty shoes. I know that sounds vain and wierd. I don't know why I love shoes, heels in particular. I just do, I always have! My back ground in ballet, made wearing them a breeze, I'd always been able to wear higher heels than most everyone else, while I never wore 3 1/2 inch or higher much I could, 2 1/2 to 3 inch were the most comfortable for me. The low ones 1/2 to 1 inch were not comfortable at all. I don't know why. Now anything with a heel makes me nervous, I will try them on every once in a while, I have loaned most of them out, as it makes me unhappy to see my beautiful shoes collecting dust.
There are much more important issues in therapy than wearing heels, I know that is something that really isn't important at all. It is just something that is important to me. I have pretty much given it up, but I still in the back of my mind hold out hope. Hope is something that keeps me going when everything else goes down the tubes.
Jason was at work that day, something else that I've been able to do lately is drive myself around a little bit. I've been going to therapy and home. If I am up to it after PT I will stop and get a gelatto! I've discovered that even though I am lactose intolerant that I can have gellato! At least the fruit based ones at the place I go! YEA! My favorites are pomegranet/blueberry, green machine, and watermellon! MMMMMMMmmmMMM! I never thought I'd be able to go somewhere and get an ice cream cone again! It is so great! No place carries soy ice cream to eat in a cone, and when Jason or other friends would go to get ice cream I'd just get a water. I don't dring soda either. (maybe once a year or so if that) I haven't drank soda for almost 10 years, and for my milk issues about 8 years or so I suppose.
On Thursday I did stop and get a cone! Luka and I make a great team, I wish I could share my gelato with him... maybe after he's retired... When Jason drives me, he even likes to stop and have a cone with me! That is so great! Thursday's lunch was a gelato cone, and then I was off to Goodwill. I drove around and around trying to find the Goodwill. I wish I had an easier time of remembering where things are. If I would go there before my accident, I know where everything is. But if it is a place I have just reciently started going, or something they have built since... geesh! I put a call in to Jason to ask for some help. It turns out I'd been driving past my turn at least 3 times already. He clarified things for me and I made it there!
I am so thankful that prior to my accident I was a very experienced driver. That's pretty much all that I did, drive here and drive there. The car was one place I felt safe, and I would drop myself off at friends and families doors, and work or hang! So the driving part comes easily to me. I am now ultra parinoid though. I watch everyone! I've been told that I drive to cautiously. I am working on that. But when you relive the guy pulling out in front of you over and over again each time someone pulls up to a corner on my right, I really feel the need to make sure they don't pull out infront of me. I am looking at them to make sure that they actually look and see me! That is so scarry! I don't like driving now. I like the freedom of it, but the actual act of it isn't fun, enjoyable or something that feels safe at all. Not that driving was a barrel of monkeys for me before, but it was something I did that I enjoyed. Especially long trips in the car, wow, I would always feel refreshed mentally after them. That doesn't happen anymore.
At least it is a way for me to actually leave my house and the tiny little town that we live in. Having finally made it to Goodwill, Luka and I were off on a clothes hunting adventure. I know now after having gone to a few stores to try on clothes what size I am now. Of course every brand is different, and for that matter so is every style. I begin putting everything in my cart that looks cute that I think might fit. I filled my cart and went to the check out line. I just bought it all. You can return it at this store with in 7 days if you don't want it. My arms hurt when I would grab some of the clothes off the rack and lift them to my cart. I just reminded myself that it was good therapy! Luka would park himself by my cart and I would just go through the racks of clothes. I love Goodwill, everything that is the same size or close to is in the same area, you don't have to go from rack to rack to rack, searching for a style, and then search for a size.
At good will the size is in one area and I can just search for a style! My life made much easier. I am constantly amazed at the nice clothes people choose to donate. Growing up in a farming area the thrift stores, mostly just had junky raggy stuff. Not that the stuff at Goodwill is perfect. Some things have holes, some have stains, some have buttons missing, but most are good and most are nice. Even some designer type brands. Being a shoe fiend, I am also a lover of beautiful clothes and nice fabrics. My mom taught me that. She was a home economist. She sewed, and she taught me to sew. I never was good at it, or for that matter enjoyed it much.
Mom was a perfectionist. I am not. I suppose that is quite apparent from my unedited posts here on this blog. I now like to sew, my way, not moms!
I really don't worry about most of the things I find there at Goodwill, I can repair most of them easily, I could even change the style of them to some degree I think if it would be called for. I have taken my swim suits that I wore at a larger size and taken them in. I am also doing that for my undies... as wierd as that seems to me, but I would rather use what I have than take more money out of our budget for those things. I am not getting undies at Goodwill! YUCK! I haven't figured out to take my bra's in, I hope I do because those things are expensive!
My cart being full, I ended up with four bags of clothes. I got each one of them to the car. That is an exhausting process... Deb a former employee of one of my Doctors was in line behind me. It was nice to see her. We took a minute or two to get caught up. It is kinda wierd, my new friends are becoming my medical professionals. As that is who I see most often. What a wierd life.
My main problem with shopping is trying the clothes on to find out the size, by the time I've picked them out and tried them on, I can hardly move. Not to mention drive myself home. But my new system of grabbing and going works well. With Goodwill, I can actually afford, that term being relative, to buy extra and then take back what I didn't want. I don't know that I could actually afford to get clothes, but I've been struggling to find things that fit at home. I've been trying to wear some of my clothes from before, but that usually results in me looking sloppy or having my bra or something else show from things slipping around.
I know, I am glad to have the problem. I did my BMI body mass index score the other day. I am now in the normal range for my height. Before I was in the Obesse section. So I am glad for my health that I am doing better for my longevity. I am just frustrated. It should be a package deal, loose alot of weight, and your insurance should buy you a new wardrobe! That would be a good trade off I would think! Hee Hee!!
So yesterday after I woke up, after I piddled around and ate my cheese and kiwi, after I let the dogs out again, I began trying some of the clothes on. When I got home from Goodwill, I knew I was tired, so I sat in bed in my usual position. I then began to have increasing amounts of pain... and the fun began... Thur Fri Sat.. That sucks! The rain came and went, and still I was miserable... Saturday afternoon was a welcome relief. Still achy, but not immobilized by the pain, I could get back to functioning. I tried the clothes on in sections, resting in between. Layed them in different piles for later evaluation.
I now have clothes, I washed them, and am washing them,,, I have even repaired some of them. Thank goodness I did some streightening up of my sewing/craft/Mary Kay room the other day!
I thought I might wear them today, but I am in a pair of cutoffs and an old shirt. Seemed suitable for today, as it is Sunday and we have no plans to go anywhere. I woke up feeling pretty good today! I had been up and going til about 3 am last night, the house had become a disaster after feeling so icky starting on Thursday, things just pile up.
You would think things wouldn't being there is only two of us who live there... Mostly it is my fault things get all messed up. When I am in pain, I do the least amount possible, that means, leave dirty dishes around, don't sweep or mop, no laundry, stuff left out on the counters, boxes not folded up mail strewn about... not cute!
So last night while I was feeling well, I just got things back to tolerable, not clean but tolerable. I still need to clean. But I've learned that when I feel well enough I need to do all that I can, because the next minute things could change for me. Feeling well enough this morning, I had my usuall shake as I do most everyday, dogs out, bathroom, clothes... Jason and I chatted for a while in the living room, I had been a little bummed out yesterday.
In addition to trying on my clothes, the day seemed horribly uneventful! Not complaining, but it was noticable this holiday. As I can hear everyone else having fun as the fireworks go off. Christmas isn't nearly as bad, you don't see or hear anything. But this holiday hit, and so did the loneliness. I did finally have a conversation with another human being about 10pm. Jason finally called. I knew he would be busy at work as this holiday is one that he does alot of community service work.
I could have called someone, but really didn't feel like listening to their celebration, or feeling like I was inturrupting the events that they were taking part in. That is something that sucks. The good thing, is I have another regular type day to get the list of things done that I have to do. Staying busy really helped that once I got going.
Truth be told, I am quite good at being on my own. For as much as I am a people person, I do like myself, I don't mind being with myself. It does get old some days. I'd love for each day to be surrounded by people like it used to be. Then I could choose what days I wanted to be by myself, I acutally used to look forward to holidays for that very reason. Jason usually works on holidays, so I would just use the day to get my thoughts together, and get caught up. It worked well.
Today, after we talked in the living room, Jason needed to keep working on his projects in the garage so we moved outside. I plucked some weeds from my planters, and then planted some new plants in them. I am frustrated as crab grass somehow got in my planters! All of the soil came from bags! GRRRRRRRRRR!!!! Crappy dirt... digging crab grass even a little of it sucks! That stuff is gnarley. 6 planters of pulling a plant or two out, and adding a plant or two, and I wasn't able to move again. The pain had started coming back.. Which stinks because I've got weeds growing everywhere, and lots of little vegetables to plant yet.
Jason noticed me and kicked me back inside.. not literally of course. So I am now in bed, having taken yet another darvocet, typing away, as my hands hadn't been hurting... now after typing for a while as I have written yet another novel, that is another story.
So I am ending this post. Luka is at my feet, I am in bed propped up by my pillows, and Jason is in the garage doing something... he menntioned lunch, but never got any further than that. I don't know if we will eat anything or not... Oh well. here I sit. Mabey in a bit I will move to my outdoor chair outside in the sun since I see that it has finally come out.
Looking forward to more good days! At least I'm not having a migraine! YEA! There are blessings! I am so happy about that!
And I think there are some fun things that should be happening this week... I think it is this week! Hmmmmmm.....
Yesterday for me is sticking in my mind rather easily though today. I got up in the morning to let the dogs out, Jason had already left for work. There are always things needing to be done around here. Yesterday was no exception. I have had a list mounting as lists do. I had been hurting for a few days, Thurs, Fri, Sat... when waking up to let the dogs out, I could hardly move yet again... I was so not happy. I wasn't having migraines, I was just having the neck shoulder and arm pain, it did radiate to my head but mostly just to my ear and jaw. I'd been icing with ice bags all night and during the day as I could as well.
Friday night, I refused to stay home, after getting a massage, waiting in the car for Jason to get his hair cut, driving through Runza to grab some food, I was famished! I ate a whole value meal. I hadn't done that in a long while.. ok I didn't eat it ALL but most of it. We arrived home in time for me to rest up, we had supper plans with friends that night, I had only been taking one darvocet every six to eight hours or so. Now being fearful of destroying my liver... It helped a little, but I certainly wasn't able to function. I was just walking around, or riding in the car as if I were on egg shells. I knew as long as I didn't get worse that I could make it to supper.
I might not be the most exciting person to have over, but I would be able to sit somewhere and not move much, but have some type of conversation. I really look forward to the changes of scenery. As well as spending time with old or new friends. Our old friends, Wendy and Kelvin are the best! They are both super sweet, and Jason and I really enjoy spending some time with them. We don't see them to often, but when we do Jason and I like getting caught up on their lives. They are such giving and talented people, Friday night was no exception. They were able to help with an alumni project I am working on as well. YEA!
It was so much fun to conjur up old memories working on that project. I was even able to help by writing some names down. My lawn chair is begining to go everywhere I go. It is one of the few places that I can sit in for any length of time. I am looking for another one of these chairs, but have found that no one is carrying that model or even something similar. And the few times I have actually seen one, there hasn't been any money, or enough to get more. I just pray that this chair doesn't break... the others all have..
For the last part of the night I was actually laying down flat on my back with my legs up bent up to my chest. I know that seems like the most uncomfortable position for most people, but this is one of the ways I can lay that takes the pressure off of most of my hurting joints. I usually don't do this in front of others. It isn't the most proper way to behave, in fact it is probably one of the least proper ways to spend time with others. Thank goodness we've got understanding friends.
They were able to come to a stopping point in our project and Jason insisted we go. That was all on the third ao July. Waking up on the fourth to let the dogs out, my ice was warm, Jason had even refreshed it when he left in the morning, I decided I would just do what I had to do, go to the bathroom, grab my shake, and the dogs were taken care of. I grabed more ice packs, and headed back to bed. the dobermans curled up on bed with me Luka on one side, and our foster dog Shelby on the other. Luka just laid there completely in line with me, with his head on my tummy for hours. I slept, woke slept woke, slept woke... I had turned the television on to a PBS station Create, keeping the volume low gave my mind something to do so I wouldn't have to have random thoughts going through my mind. About 1pm I was finally able to get up. The pain mostly had left now. I fiddled around a while, grabbed some cheese and kiwi to eat. We really need to get some groceries. I hope we will be able to this week.
I was craving crackers too, but those have been gone for a while now. It's not that there isn't food in the house, there certainly is. I am just out of some of our favorites, and some staples... The other day, Wednesday, after my great Physical Therapy session, I was able to drive myself to Goodwill to do some clothes shopping.
I had had a great Physical Therapy Session! Woo HOO! My therapist Kristi shared that this was the best I had ever been able to do! That I actually did all that she had planned, and that it was the first session I had ever really been able to complete! I was so excited! It felt so good! Each session 2-3x per week I've been going since Feb or March I think and this was the first week that I did every element on her plan for the day. More than that, I did each of them enough times, and for as long as she had in her plan! YEA!
I know that I've been improving, I could tell. While I struggle with things each day, I haven't fallen in a long time. I most of the time don't feel as if my legs are going to buckle out from underneath me. Not that I am the most steady person, but it is a big relief to stand and feel that my legs will not fail. My goal is to get back to wearing heels, my dream would be that I could once again wear my platform heels!
I had been wearing heels since eighth grade. I love them! I love pretty pretty shoes. I know that sounds vain and wierd. I don't know why I love shoes, heels in particular. I just do, I always have! My back ground in ballet, made wearing them a breeze, I'd always been able to wear higher heels than most everyone else, while I never wore 3 1/2 inch or higher much I could, 2 1/2 to 3 inch were the most comfortable for me. The low ones 1/2 to 1 inch were not comfortable at all. I don't know why. Now anything with a heel makes me nervous, I will try them on every once in a while, I have loaned most of them out, as it makes me unhappy to see my beautiful shoes collecting dust.
There are much more important issues in therapy than wearing heels, I know that is something that really isn't important at all. It is just something that is important to me. I have pretty much given it up, but I still in the back of my mind hold out hope. Hope is something that keeps me going when everything else goes down the tubes.
Jason was at work that day, something else that I've been able to do lately is drive myself around a little bit. I've been going to therapy and home. If I am up to it after PT I will stop and get a gelatto! I've discovered that even though I am lactose intolerant that I can have gellato! At least the fruit based ones at the place I go! YEA! My favorites are pomegranet/blueberry, green machine, and watermellon! MMMMMMMmmmMMM! I never thought I'd be able to go somewhere and get an ice cream cone again! It is so great! No place carries soy ice cream to eat in a cone, and when Jason or other friends would go to get ice cream I'd just get a water. I don't dring soda either. (maybe once a year or so if that) I haven't drank soda for almost 10 years, and for my milk issues about 8 years or so I suppose.
On Thursday I did stop and get a cone! Luka and I make a great team, I wish I could share my gelato with him... maybe after he's retired... When Jason drives me, he even likes to stop and have a cone with me! That is so great! Thursday's lunch was a gelato cone, and then I was off to Goodwill. I drove around and around trying to find the Goodwill. I wish I had an easier time of remembering where things are. If I would go there before my accident, I know where everything is. But if it is a place I have just reciently started going, or something they have built since... geesh! I put a call in to Jason to ask for some help. It turns out I'd been driving past my turn at least 3 times already. He clarified things for me and I made it there!
I am so thankful that prior to my accident I was a very experienced driver. That's pretty much all that I did, drive here and drive there. The car was one place I felt safe, and I would drop myself off at friends and families doors, and work or hang! So the driving part comes easily to me. I am now ultra parinoid though. I watch everyone! I've been told that I drive to cautiously. I am working on that. But when you relive the guy pulling out in front of you over and over again each time someone pulls up to a corner on my right, I really feel the need to make sure they don't pull out infront of me. I am looking at them to make sure that they actually look and see me! That is so scarry! I don't like driving now. I like the freedom of it, but the actual act of it isn't fun, enjoyable or something that feels safe at all. Not that driving was a barrel of monkeys for me before, but it was something I did that I enjoyed. Especially long trips in the car, wow, I would always feel refreshed mentally after them. That doesn't happen anymore.
At least it is a way for me to actually leave my house and the tiny little town that we live in. Having finally made it to Goodwill, Luka and I were off on a clothes hunting adventure. I know now after having gone to a few stores to try on clothes what size I am now. Of course every brand is different, and for that matter so is every style. I begin putting everything in my cart that looks cute that I think might fit. I filled my cart and went to the check out line. I just bought it all. You can return it at this store with in 7 days if you don't want it. My arms hurt when I would grab some of the clothes off the rack and lift them to my cart. I just reminded myself that it was good therapy! Luka would park himself by my cart and I would just go through the racks of clothes. I love Goodwill, everything that is the same size or close to is in the same area, you don't have to go from rack to rack to rack, searching for a style, and then search for a size.
At good will the size is in one area and I can just search for a style! My life made much easier. I am constantly amazed at the nice clothes people choose to donate. Growing up in a farming area the thrift stores, mostly just had junky raggy stuff. Not that the stuff at Goodwill is perfect. Some things have holes, some have stains, some have buttons missing, but most are good and most are nice. Even some designer type brands. Being a shoe fiend, I am also a lover of beautiful clothes and nice fabrics. My mom taught me that. She was a home economist. She sewed, and she taught me to sew. I never was good at it, or for that matter enjoyed it much.
Mom was a perfectionist. I am not. I suppose that is quite apparent from my unedited posts here on this blog. I now like to sew, my way, not moms!
I really don't worry about most of the things I find there at Goodwill, I can repair most of them easily, I could even change the style of them to some degree I think if it would be called for. I have taken my swim suits that I wore at a larger size and taken them in. I am also doing that for my undies... as wierd as that seems to me, but I would rather use what I have than take more money out of our budget for those things. I am not getting undies at Goodwill! YUCK! I haven't figured out to take my bra's in, I hope I do because those things are expensive!
My cart being full, I ended up with four bags of clothes. I got each one of them to the car. That is an exhausting process... Deb a former employee of one of my Doctors was in line behind me. It was nice to see her. We took a minute or two to get caught up. It is kinda wierd, my new friends are becoming my medical professionals. As that is who I see most often. What a wierd life.
My main problem with shopping is trying the clothes on to find out the size, by the time I've picked them out and tried them on, I can hardly move. Not to mention drive myself home. But my new system of grabbing and going works well. With Goodwill, I can actually afford, that term being relative, to buy extra and then take back what I didn't want. I don't know that I could actually afford to get clothes, but I've been struggling to find things that fit at home. I've been trying to wear some of my clothes from before, but that usually results in me looking sloppy or having my bra or something else show from things slipping around.
I know, I am glad to have the problem. I did my BMI body mass index score the other day. I am now in the normal range for my height. Before I was in the Obesse section. So I am glad for my health that I am doing better for my longevity. I am just frustrated. It should be a package deal, loose alot of weight, and your insurance should buy you a new wardrobe! That would be a good trade off I would think! Hee Hee!!
So yesterday after I woke up, after I piddled around and ate my cheese and kiwi, after I let the dogs out again, I began trying some of the clothes on. When I got home from Goodwill, I knew I was tired, so I sat in bed in my usual position. I then began to have increasing amounts of pain... and the fun began... Thur Fri Sat.. That sucks! The rain came and went, and still I was miserable... Saturday afternoon was a welcome relief. Still achy, but not immobilized by the pain, I could get back to functioning. I tried the clothes on in sections, resting in between. Layed them in different piles for later evaluation.
I now have clothes, I washed them, and am washing them,,, I have even repaired some of them. Thank goodness I did some streightening up of my sewing/craft/Mary Kay room the other day!
I thought I might wear them today, but I am in a pair of cutoffs and an old shirt. Seemed suitable for today, as it is Sunday and we have no plans to go anywhere. I woke up feeling pretty good today! I had been up and going til about 3 am last night, the house had become a disaster after feeling so icky starting on Thursday, things just pile up.
You would think things wouldn't being there is only two of us who live there... Mostly it is my fault things get all messed up. When I am in pain, I do the least amount possible, that means, leave dirty dishes around, don't sweep or mop, no laundry, stuff left out on the counters, boxes not folded up mail strewn about... not cute!
So last night while I was feeling well, I just got things back to tolerable, not clean but tolerable. I still need to clean. But I've learned that when I feel well enough I need to do all that I can, because the next minute things could change for me. Feeling well enough this morning, I had my usuall shake as I do most everyday, dogs out, bathroom, clothes... Jason and I chatted for a while in the living room, I had been a little bummed out yesterday.
In addition to trying on my clothes, the day seemed horribly uneventful! Not complaining, but it was noticable this holiday. As I can hear everyone else having fun as the fireworks go off. Christmas isn't nearly as bad, you don't see or hear anything. But this holiday hit, and so did the loneliness. I did finally have a conversation with another human being about 10pm. Jason finally called. I knew he would be busy at work as this holiday is one that he does alot of community service work.
I could have called someone, but really didn't feel like listening to their celebration, or feeling like I was inturrupting the events that they were taking part in. That is something that sucks. The good thing, is I have another regular type day to get the list of things done that I have to do. Staying busy really helped that once I got going.
Truth be told, I am quite good at being on my own. For as much as I am a people person, I do like myself, I don't mind being with myself. It does get old some days. I'd love for each day to be surrounded by people like it used to be. Then I could choose what days I wanted to be by myself, I acutally used to look forward to holidays for that very reason. Jason usually works on holidays, so I would just use the day to get my thoughts together, and get caught up. It worked well.
Today, after we talked in the living room, Jason needed to keep working on his projects in the garage so we moved outside. I plucked some weeds from my planters, and then planted some new plants in them. I am frustrated as crab grass somehow got in my planters! All of the soil came from bags! GRRRRRRRRRR!!!! Crappy dirt... digging crab grass even a little of it sucks! That stuff is gnarley. 6 planters of pulling a plant or two out, and adding a plant or two, and I wasn't able to move again. The pain had started coming back.. Which stinks because I've got weeds growing everywhere, and lots of little vegetables to plant yet.
Jason noticed me and kicked me back inside.. not literally of course. So I am now in bed, having taken yet another darvocet, typing away, as my hands hadn't been hurting... now after typing for a while as I have written yet another novel, that is another story.
So I am ending this post. Luka is at my feet, I am in bed propped up by my pillows, and Jason is in the garage doing something... he menntioned lunch, but never got any further than that. I don't know if we will eat anything or not... Oh well. here I sit. Mabey in a bit I will move to my outdoor chair outside in the sun since I see that it has finally come out.
Looking forward to more good days! At least I'm not having a migraine! YEA! There are blessings! I am so happy about that!
And I think there are some fun things that should be happening this week... I think it is this week! Hmmmmmm.....
Thursday, July 2, 2009
LiFe iS GoOd!
Each day I find so many things to be thankful for! I've got great friends! I love having friends, I am always trying to make new ones as well! They keep my life interesting. While I am not the best friend myself, I know. I am grateful for the amazing friends that I have.
The weather is so much better for me in the summer than anyother time of the year! I am so so thankful that summer is here! I would really like to live where it is summer for the whole year! Green is wonderful, hot, humid, whatever it brings, my body adjusts to everything so much better, I am so thankful that there is this season for me!
I am thankful for a husband who while he feels completely helpless to help me feel better, would rearrange our bedroom for me. I had been talking to him lately about things that are going on with my body... the possible surgery for my neck that may help for a while, but from what I've researched online if the surgeon agreed that I was a good candidate, and I got the surgery, I may with my hypermobility be in line for the same pain shortly down the road, just from other areas of my cervical spine... my tummy that's been feeling funny, my medication intake and how I could find something different that didn't contain Acetaminophen... Since that has been on the news really reciently.. I've been taking FAR FAR FAR to much between Excedrine and Darvocet! .. Gosh, it really freaks me out, my tummy's been bugging me for a while now, but I don't know who to talk to about it... My pain Dr.. doesn't really focus on that, my PA, well, I guess that's where I will go, she's awesome!
However, I always seem to see her and shock her with what my body is doing. The last time I saw her she pulled down on my hand because I thought I had pulled a muscle, infact when she pulled down on my hand, my entire lower part of my arm, dropped as she pulled.. I had broken my arm completely in two.. and I'd been using it for at least 2 weeks... geesh.... Yeah, not really lookin forward to going back there after that... The look on her face... wow she was freaked!
Oh, well.. I guess I will be calling to get an appointment.. ok so I just did that! Next week I will go... grrrr.... I hate going to the Dr... No offense to my medical professional friends who are reading this! Seriously, as I am thankful for each of you and what you all do as well.
Ok and I made an appointment with my pain doc as well... in addition to changing my meds. Which I hope he can do. I wanted to talk with him about something called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. A friend of mine who's been paying attention to what's been going on with me, has been doing some research. She found this, through a friend. Asked me to look it up online, it has caused me to wonder about this as well. Not that it would change anything for me. I am already doing most of the things recomended... but it may help others that I know, so I thought it better for me to ask about it.
So back to my awesome hubby, who when I was talking about my "issues/concerns" seemed to zone out and mentally retreat from my words. These things, and talking about these things between he and I seem to just make him feel horribly helpless. And for a guy who is a "fixer" helpless is not a good thing. I need to talk about them with him I feel so he know's what's going on, I certainly don't expect him to "FIX" anything.
I pray that God will fix everything! As there are so many parts on my body that have issues, that I think only God could. But I focus on the saying,,, pray like it is all up to God, and work like it is all up to me! And that is all I can do.
Jason does it all anyway, he drives me where ever I need to go, and he does what ever I can't do that needs done, most of the time he is even cheery about it. That is a big improvement. Our bedroom looks great! I love it! I needed a change! I have always felt the need to have things rearanged in my living environment.
Acutally even when choosing what I would focus on in college the main consideration for me was what could I do that wouldn't require me to do the same thing day after day and year after year? I guess you could say I like the creative aspect of life.
He came in last night I had been on the computer all afternoon, I really haven't had much energy lately, I believe that is due to the fact I haven't been able to sleep much, waking up at 3 or 4 am.... no naps or anything and going to bed around 11pm.. I am an eight hour a night girl... so... last night was the first night I could think of where I wasn't laying there starring off into space, rolling this way or that trying to get comfortable, or finally just giving up and doing something in order to fall back to sleep.
He came in and said, So you want to rearrange the room? In his big gruff voice. I wondered, what did I do to cause this.. Well, what I have already mentioned was the reason, I found out later. With Jason when he's willing and ready to do something that I want done, I adjust! I am not in a possition to be picky or demanding. I have no other choices. I can't move the things in our room safely.
He did great! He did it the way I had in mind! There is usually a why do you want to put that there, or another complaint about my interesting arangement ideas.. But I figured out later as well that this was his gift to me. Do do our room the way I wanted. I really do like it, he has yet to comment... but he also know's it wont' be this way for ever.. so if he doesn't like it, he also knows he has the muscles to change it.. Hee Hee...
So, while I really do work hard to not mention all of the things that are bugging me with my health, my lack of a career, etc... As I know that this unhappiness with my life bothers him because there is nothing he feels he can do to make it better. I think it is good for me as well to focus on what I can do instead of what I can't! So that's where I try to keep my mind.
Speaking of that, more and more people have been asking me about my cleansing and nutrition program. So that's been fun! I am also going to start something here at my house as well. I got the idea from my sister, who has friends who do the same thing. I am going to use their idea and see if I can actually earn some money! Gosh that would help, as I'd really like to pay for the air conditioning system that Jason needs in his Jeep. We are scared to find out the actual cost.
So, I am constantly looking online now. As it is one of the things I can do to keep my brain busy when my body is hurting. Takes my mind off of the pain and I am learning or doing something at the same time. I would be working on an alumni project right now if my neck weren't acting up. In order to work on that I have to sit up better, and compare paper to computer and write stuff like that. And that stuff at the moment will only make me feel worse.
One thing that I just found right now I am excited about is:: http://health.msn.com/health-topics/pain-management/rheumatoid-arthritis/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100096523>1=31004 Sorry, I haven't taken the time to learn how to make the link pretty.
I am on the look out for things that I can do to feel better! ALWAYS! I am even going to start meditating. As recomended by Rosie, a lady I met at THE CLAY POT an Indian Fusion Resturaunt in Iowa City, Iowa! Their food is awesome! You've just got to go!
Accupuncture was one of those things that made me feel better. But I was strongly discouraged by the other guy's insurance representative to not follow that course of treatment. GRRR. And since I can't afford it anyway, I have just blocked that from my mind. But for the time while I was doing it I was getting some relief. I had even been getting accupuncutre before the accident. It stabled out my monthly friend, and gave me a better since of wellness and well being. I had been one of the people practiced on in my state before it was actually alowed to be charged for as a practice. I liked it then, and I really am wishing I could still go. But my own health insurance won't cover it, and there isn't an acupuncturist that I've found who wants to wait for a settlement, especially now since it has been almost 5 years in coming, and is still not even close to being settled. Yet another wonderful frustration.
Gosh, that is not a conversation we have at our house either... We just focus on the positive stuff or the things that we actually have control over. I don't know, I feel as if I have once again been rambling about nothing. I think the pain is worse, and I need to figure out what I need to do... I don't know if I can make it with out taking some meds.... I was sure hoping to sit here propped up in my bed by pillows and relax enough to have that happen. Not wanting to acutally go to sleep since my sleep patterns are seriously disturbed lately.. I've got to figure out another relaxing distraction.
I am thankful for this blog, a place to write and vent, as well as form some sort of informational area for friends to figure out what's going on with me... gosh, not that I expect anyone to read my lengthy posts... How can one person write so much about such a mundane life...??
Tchau for now! Beijo's!
The weather is so much better for me in the summer than anyother time of the year! I am so so thankful that summer is here! I would really like to live where it is summer for the whole year! Green is wonderful, hot, humid, whatever it brings, my body adjusts to everything so much better, I am so thankful that there is this season for me!
I am thankful for a husband who while he feels completely helpless to help me feel better, would rearrange our bedroom for me. I had been talking to him lately about things that are going on with my body... the possible surgery for my neck that may help for a while, but from what I've researched online if the surgeon agreed that I was a good candidate, and I got the surgery, I may with my hypermobility be in line for the same pain shortly down the road, just from other areas of my cervical spine... my tummy that's been feeling funny, my medication intake and how I could find something different that didn't contain Acetaminophen... Since that has been on the news really reciently.. I've been taking FAR FAR FAR to much between Excedrine and Darvocet! .. Gosh, it really freaks me out, my tummy's been bugging me for a while now, but I don't know who to talk to about it... My pain Dr.. doesn't really focus on that, my PA, well, I guess that's where I will go, she's awesome!
However, I always seem to see her and shock her with what my body is doing. The last time I saw her she pulled down on my hand because I thought I had pulled a muscle, infact when she pulled down on my hand, my entire lower part of my arm, dropped as she pulled.. I had broken my arm completely in two.. and I'd been using it for at least 2 weeks... geesh.... Yeah, not really lookin forward to going back there after that... The look on her face... wow she was freaked!
Oh, well.. I guess I will be calling to get an appointment.. ok so I just did that! Next week I will go... grrrr.... I hate going to the Dr... No offense to my medical professional friends who are reading this! Seriously, as I am thankful for each of you and what you all do as well.
Ok and I made an appointment with my pain doc as well... in addition to changing my meds. Which I hope he can do. I wanted to talk with him about something called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. A friend of mine who's been paying attention to what's been going on with me, has been doing some research. She found this, through a friend. Asked me to look it up online, it has caused me to wonder about this as well. Not that it would change anything for me. I am already doing most of the things recomended... but it may help others that I know, so I thought it better for me to ask about it.
So back to my awesome hubby, who when I was talking about my "issues/concerns" seemed to zone out and mentally retreat from my words. These things, and talking about these things between he and I seem to just make him feel horribly helpless. And for a guy who is a "fixer" helpless is not a good thing. I need to talk about them with him I feel so he know's what's going on, I certainly don't expect him to "FIX" anything.
I pray that God will fix everything! As there are so many parts on my body that have issues, that I think only God could. But I focus on the saying,,, pray like it is all up to God, and work like it is all up to me! And that is all I can do.
Jason does it all anyway, he drives me where ever I need to go, and he does what ever I can't do that needs done, most of the time he is even cheery about it. That is a big improvement. Our bedroom looks great! I love it! I needed a change! I have always felt the need to have things rearanged in my living environment.
Acutally even when choosing what I would focus on in college the main consideration for me was what could I do that wouldn't require me to do the same thing day after day and year after year? I guess you could say I like the creative aspect of life.
He came in last night I had been on the computer all afternoon, I really haven't had much energy lately, I believe that is due to the fact I haven't been able to sleep much, waking up at 3 or 4 am.... no naps or anything and going to bed around 11pm.. I am an eight hour a night girl... so... last night was the first night I could think of where I wasn't laying there starring off into space, rolling this way or that trying to get comfortable, or finally just giving up and doing something in order to fall back to sleep.
He came in and said, So you want to rearrange the room? In his big gruff voice. I wondered, what did I do to cause this.. Well, what I have already mentioned was the reason, I found out later. With Jason when he's willing and ready to do something that I want done, I adjust! I am not in a possition to be picky or demanding. I have no other choices. I can't move the things in our room safely.
He did great! He did it the way I had in mind! There is usually a why do you want to put that there, or another complaint about my interesting arangement ideas.. But I figured out later as well that this was his gift to me. Do do our room the way I wanted. I really do like it, he has yet to comment... but he also know's it wont' be this way for ever.. so if he doesn't like it, he also knows he has the muscles to change it.. Hee Hee...
So, while I really do work hard to not mention all of the things that are bugging me with my health, my lack of a career, etc... As I know that this unhappiness with my life bothers him because there is nothing he feels he can do to make it better. I think it is good for me as well to focus on what I can do instead of what I can't! So that's where I try to keep my mind.
Speaking of that, more and more people have been asking me about my cleansing and nutrition program. So that's been fun! I am also going to start something here at my house as well. I got the idea from my sister, who has friends who do the same thing. I am going to use their idea and see if I can actually earn some money! Gosh that would help, as I'd really like to pay for the air conditioning system that Jason needs in his Jeep. We are scared to find out the actual cost.
So, I am constantly looking online now. As it is one of the things I can do to keep my brain busy when my body is hurting. Takes my mind off of the pain and I am learning or doing something at the same time. I would be working on an alumni project right now if my neck weren't acting up. In order to work on that I have to sit up better, and compare paper to computer and write stuff like that. And that stuff at the moment will only make me feel worse.
One thing that I just found right now I am excited about is:: http://health.msn.com/health-topics/pain-management/rheumatoid-arthritis/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100096523>1=31004 Sorry, I haven't taken the time to learn how to make the link pretty.
I am on the look out for things that I can do to feel better! ALWAYS! I am even going to start meditating. As recomended by Rosie, a lady I met at THE CLAY POT an Indian Fusion Resturaunt in Iowa City, Iowa! Their food is awesome! You've just got to go!
Accupuncture was one of those things that made me feel better. But I was strongly discouraged by the other guy's insurance representative to not follow that course of treatment. GRRR. And since I can't afford it anyway, I have just blocked that from my mind. But for the time while I was doing it I was getting some relief. I had even been getting accupuncutre before the accident. It stabled out my monthly friend, and gave me a better since of wellness and well being. I had been one of the people practiced on in my state before it was actually alowed to be charged for as a practice. I liked it then, and I really am wishing I could still go. But my own health insurance won't cover it, and there isn't an acupuncturist that I've found who wants to wait for a settlement, especially now since it has been almost 5 years in coming, and is still not even close to being settled. Yet another wonderful frustration.
Gosh, that is not a conversation we have at our house either... We just focus on the positive stuff or the things that we actually have control over. I don't know, I feel as if I have once again been rambling about nothing. I think the pain is worse, and I need to figure out what I need to do... I don't know if I can make it with out taking some meds.... I was sure hoping to sit here propped up in my bed by pillows and relax enough to have that happen. Not wanting to acutally go to sleep since my sleep patterns are seriously disturbed lately.. I've got to figure out another relaxing distraction.
I am thankful for this blog, a place to write and vent, as well as form some sort of informational area for friends to figure out what's going on with me... gosh, not that I expect anyone to read my lengthy posts... How can one person write so much about such a mundane life...??
Tchau for now! Beijo's!
Friday, June 26, 2009
RaMbLiNgS iN tHe MiDdLe Of ThE nIgHt~
As I write this in the middle of the night not being able to sleep yet again. I thought I'd actually take this time to do a little writing.
Yesterday one of my lifetime icons passed away. Oddly enough, other things happened yesterday as well that stick in my mind. Farrah died yesterday, I grew up watching her on Charlies Angel's and of course was heart broken when she left, I also adore Cheryl Ladd who became her replacement.
For some reason she stuck with me over the years, maybe it was because of her hair... I even have a bust of her that I got as a child, you could cut her hair, and put makeup on her. Looking back that may have been one of the things that made me excited about Mary Kay. I no longer have the makeup that came with her, but of all the childhood toys that I had, that one is the one that I have kept. I kept her and a doll, named Darcy, that doll was a fuller bodied version of a Barbie. Being a big fan of a movie star is something I grew out of pretty rapidly.
There are very few people, let alone movie stars that I have a very deep amount of respect for. I respect many, some of the people that I hold in the highest regard are:
Yesterday one of my lifetime icons passed away. Oddly enough, other things happened yesterday as well that stick in my mind. Farrah died yesterday, I grew up watching her on Charlies Angel's and of course was heart broken when she left, I also adore Cheryl Ladd who became her replacement.
For some reason she stuck with me over the years, maybe it was because of her hair... I even have a bust of her that I got as a child, you could cut her hair, and put makeup on her. Looking back that may have been one of the things that made me excited about Mary Kay. I no longer have the makeup that came with her, but of all the childhood toys that I had, that one is the one that I have kept. I kept her and a doll, named Darcy, that doll was a fuller bodied version of a Barbie. Being a big fan of a movie star is something I grew out of pretty rapidly.
There are very few people, let alone movie stars that I have a very deep amount of respect for. I respect many, some of the people that I hold in the highest regard are:
- my parents, who might not have done everything right, but did their very best raising me.
- Jason who's quiet, laid back nature, gives me strength stability, and lots of unconditional love. It is great to be his wife, there is so much to learn from his personal character, that can easily go unnoticed. He is fun, funny, and smart and one of the most outstanding people I know.
- Mary Kay Ash, she persevered through so many obstacles, and kept a positive attitude and kept trucking along, and she did so by lifting others up along with her. I really admire those qualities.
- Many other Mary Kay women, including Joyce, Rena, Stacy, Amy, Ava, Trish, Karen, and many more I am sure that I just can't think of right now. These women strive/strived for excellence, while helping others be their best too. For me things have never been about the money, that was a perk, but when you can help someone else do something they never thought they could do, there is a great joy that grows inside you. Each of these women and many more, helped me grow, not only in my Mary Kay life, but in my personal life.
- As a child growing up, Icon's such as Farrah and Suzanne, while playing roles that were stereotypical, would make it work to their advantage, and seemingly come out on top. In their real lives it was harder, the challenges stronger... I am blond, not a bombshell by any means, but blond enough to be stereo typed, and smart enough to realize it. These women were too. While I may not ever agree with every thing anyone does, I admire so much the people who go through this life on their terms, who don't accept less of themselves, or those around them, who love unconditionally, and accept defeats as growth moments. Both of these women did/do even though I don't want to walk their path. I am walking my own.
- Friends Jen and Brent, who also give unconditionally, who teach, encourage, and power through, while doing things right!
- My sisters and cousin and many more, who, just love me no matter what, even if they might not like me at the time!
- Jean and Mike, who I would have never chosen to live my life like, but I admired them for their courage walking their own path, even though I believe that it led to their destruction. Neither of them let others put them in a box. They were both profound people, who will be missed as great friends from my childhood.
- Anita Hill, she stood up, while late, and seemingly without reason at the end... it seemed to me. Except for the fact that just for standing up and saying what happened was wrong, tremendously impacted my life. I knew I could stand up too! I will always be grateful to her.
- Rosa Parks, she had courage, and strength, at a time when it mattered.
- Ronald Regan who treasured and valued his wife and her opinions, even in controversy.
- My Grandmother who even though some would say she had nothing, she had everything!
- My Granddad, who was wrong about something very important, I loved him more, anyway!
- ........ the list goes on and on!
I watch so many people who are afraid to live up to their potential. Who won't grab on to something and stick with it through thick and thin, truly giving something everything they had. They let things inside them stop them, everyone has set backs, but when you let those set backs determine your destiny, I feel sorry for them.
I have been plunking along an unknown path for a while. I had given my Mary Kay business all that I had, even through out the past 5 years, there did come a point a while back where the choices no longer became mine. I had gone as far down the path as I could with out starting almost completely over. I contemplated that, I still do to some degree, wonder, should I start down the path again? I loved it.
Lately I have been feeling compelled to start on a different path. In a Barbra Walters interview, Farrah mentioned having stopped being on the hit show because she became bored, it didn't stimulate her, it wasn't pushing her and she wasn't growing. Or something to that effect. That is something that sticks with me. While I know if I got every thing all lined up again to go down that path, I could do it. Even with the difficulties of the last 5 years.
Physically I would have to have help, I would need a driver, and someone to carry my things, as well as someone to help me remember the little things I seem to forget. But I know how to do it! I know how to teach others to do it, I know how to motivate others. But would I be stimulated enough to be satisfied?
That question along with the resources to actually make my business's happen to the point of me being satisfied and stimulated is not something that is pursue able at the moment. There is no money for someone to help me do these things, other's have said, can't Jason drive me around, yes, and he does! But Jason is very busy doing all that he can just so we can survive, without becoming homeless. When he is not doing that, which isn't often at all, he needs to rest, or do something that recharges his batteries. If I am going to have a husband that lives long enough to grow old with me, which is what I want, I need to take as good of care of him as I can.
Another thing that happened yesterday, I saw on TV, a mother, fessing up to a hit and run, in which she killed another mother. I don't know all of the circumstances or anything like that. She turned herself in the day after. She woke up told her children good by, and took herself to the police station. While there is much fault with her driving off. For not sticking around, and for waiting til the next day to turn herself in. She got to say good by to her kids, which is more than the mother she hit with her vehicle got to do.
To say I admire her for pleading guilty, for admitting what she did was wrong... I don't think admire is the right word at all. I've never been in that situation. I pray to God that I never will be in any situation as horrible as that or even close to it. I work very hard not to cause other's pain. It doesn't mean I don't sometimes do things that hurt people, but an intent to damage certainly isn't there. Things may go through a person's mind about what to do or not, some of which are not so pleasant.
At any rate. She did turn herself in. In turning herself in she is also admitting what she's done. She isn't hiding behind an attorney, or not speaking at all, instead she is talking about it, apologizing for it and being extremely remorseful. I can't help but think that, but doing that she is also helping herself, helping her family, and most importantly helping the family that she damaged by giving them opportunity to grieve and come to some sort of closure eventually.
Being outraged by someones actions, being repelled by something that someone has done, is easy to do. I have found myself in that situation repeatedly. I am sure I have done things that other's might find personally or not personally offensive, or at the very least disagreeable to their standards, and values. Each of us is different. We have each been raised differently, we each think differently, we each want different things, and we each value different things.
Thank God for that! Through diversity comes conflict, through diversity also comes understanding and all things good. What is going on in Iran at this moment, is a perfect example, there was a point that people could have agreed to disagree. Transparency, is something that aids in that. Transparency is not at all what is happening there. A huge cover up is taking place. It is damaging to everyone involved, and to the reputations of Islam, and to people on both sides. While I am not a believer in Islam, many of the things I do understand about it, would lead me to believe that this is not the way things should be worked out according to it.
Sometimes, things become so painful, so personally hitting home, that while there is forgiveness, what has been done, seems so personally painful, that whom ever created that action may be pushed away, or not allowed back in a close manner into someones life. I find that I do this. For me not because there isn't forgiveness, or understanding, but through learning from my past, letting people back into my life who've caused damage, I have found for me not to be healthy for me to function. Hurt me once... you will be kept at arms distance. Do something that hurts me me deeply... you will be out of my daily life. I don't function well, around people whom I don't trust. I am not at my best, there for I can't give my best. I don't want to be on guard with people, I do not feel free to live my life if I feel as if I have to be looking for ways to protect myself from someone else's actions or words.
It doesn't mean I don't want the best for them. Or that I don't forgive them for things. Or in some cases, it is just an agree to disagree issue, that hits to close to home for me. People can change, people can learn from their mistakes, they can grow, and they can move on. I make mistakes, as everyone does. While I don't like admitting when I've made a mistake, if I feel as if I have made a mistake, you will get an I am sorry I made a mistake. This is difficult for me to do, but I feel worse knowing someone else might be hurting from something I have done.
They can choose to accept my apology or not, either way. That is out of my control, but doing what I can control is all that I can ask of myself. That is all I believe anyone can do.
There was a person who caused my accident almost 5 years ago. I know he didn't mean to. From the moment I saw him pull out in front of me, there was no anger directed at him from me. I am angry that this happened to me, I am frustrated, I feel helpless, I feel emotional and physical pain. I feel the most pain for Jason who has to helplessly watch as I suffer. Having watched many people in my life suffer through physical challenges, I understand some of the frustration and anger that he feels.
This year coming up is hard for me. This was to be the year that I retired him. Or at least gave him the financial freedom to stop working if he chose to. I was working a plan, our debt would have been gone, I figured with the growth my three business's were experiencing even on a conservative track, that the debt would have been gone, and I would have been earning on a very consistent basis more than we were both bringing in at the time of the accident.
While I was never one of those people who were going to shoot to the top, I was consistently improving, step by step, day by day, and dollar by dollar. Even in today's economy, the businesses that I had are excelling. I would have had at least 2 offspring directors in Brasil, and a much larger unit here in the US if not a director or two. I was building my way to the top of the Mary Kay system. I wasn't doing it for the money, but I was doing it for the choices that I could offer my family.
Offering Jason the opportunity to work or not was something we'd talked about, something we were both working for. One of our girls is now a director in Brasil, we are so proud of her! She did it anyway. The two that I had selected to work with in Brasil, are both Directors! I am so proud! My girls did it! I helped them create a stronger future for themselves. I wish I could continue to be a part of it! I was able to help others as well. I feel great about that too!
There are so many things that I feel bad about, that were out of my control. I am one by one letting them go. Coming to terms with their death if you will, and building my life in other directions.
I don't give up, that is something that has made this transition so hard for me. I work very hard to see things through. It isn't something that comes naturally or easy for me. But it is a commitment that I made to myself. I think it is one of the things I value most about myself. It is also the thing I value so much in others as well! Farrah did not give up! I am not either, I am just transitioning! When life gives you lemons pucker up! It might be sour but it won't last long and you'll be better for it!
I guess I am choosing to head down a different path now. I will keep my Mary Kay Client business as long as my clients want me! I love my MK Clients! I love playing with colors, helping them meet their skin care needs and hearing what is going on with them! I really love Mary Kay the company! So I plan to stay affiliated!
But I am shifting gears, and I am going to start focusing on something new. Not for money, but just as Mary Kay products helped me, and the company did too! Because Isagenix has also made a significant change in my life! I feel compelled to share this as well. Even though in the beginning I had no intention of promoting it at all.
I will share about anything in my life if asked, and I am in a safe environment. I hold no secret that I would never share. I may not like sharing somethings, but if I see how my sharing something painful to me may be able to help someone else. I owe it to those around me to share. I wish so many others before me had shared, had spoken up, instead of remaining silent. I would have been stronger for it. I am so grateful for those who did! For the women who demanded more, for those doing it their way, for value being given when it wasn't popular, and for having the courage to fail over and over again on their way to success.
I think about the accident every time I see a car sitting on my right waiting to pull out. Whether I am driving or not. The emotions I was feeling when he did pull out happen to me over and over again each time that happens. The sinking feeling the bracing feeling, the feeling of having done all I could but knowing it was still going to happen anyway. All of it comes flooding back in a split second. I see his face when he realizes I am right there and going to hit his car. He pulled out so fast, everything I had in me was trying to change destiny. While I was doing nothing wrong, I wasn't speeding in fact my foot had already been on the break, getting ready to go back to the gas at the top of the hill... when we collided it felt as if all forward momentum, shot back into my body as we went the few feet to the corner curb, and what hadn't gone through my body in stopping had gone into his car as I hit his car just behind his body square on.
Should old people be allowed to drive? That is a question I certainly don't have the answer too. Having had my freedom taken away, I understand all to well the helplessness a person would feel, as they would not have that privilege any longer. I can also understand the compulsion to do it anyway, but the guilt I would have if something went wrong is for me much stronger. Everyone is different, everyone has good days and bad.
Should that mother who hit the other mother have been driving that day? Should she have whipped a Uie among other undetermined factors? Hind site would say no! Should all of those people who talk on their phones, and pull out in front of people while doing so be driving? Or the person who's eating, or feeling ill? How about the driver who hasn't slept, or drank just a little? What about the person who had a heart attack while driving? Or the one who chose not to renew their insurance? Motorcycles? Should kids be allowed to drive souped up cars? What if you are driving in icy conditions? Or rainy ones? How about the person who is doing everything correct, and still ends up the one injured in an accident?
I don't have the answers! I know people who've been in all of these situations!
If you are driving a car, or in a car or standing around moving cars you are at risk. That is why we are all supposed to have insurance. Accident's happen, and when they do, if you accidentally did something wrong you are able to do something to set it somewhat right.
I am thankful to the man who hit me and came to check on me even though his own head was bleeding. My door wouldn't open but my window would. He apologized and I said it would be ok, and please go sit down and let someone help him.
I am sure he hit his head on the drivers side window, as he was looking directly at me a 1/2 second before we collided and then his car continued to shoot off into the street behind me with his foot on the gas and any momentum I had left when we collided. I don't know how far he was behind me. I never could see. I couldn't turn to look it wouldn't work and my body was going all numb, and tingly. The police officer helped me with my drawing later, and that part was over.
I to some degree feel as helpless as I did the moment after the collision. Still stunned at the turn of events. I've accepted them. I am doing all that I can. I have often wondered about him. My heart hurts for him. I am sure it was unintentional that day on his part. I still can't help but wonder, was he on any medications, was he having a bad day, had he been distracted by something that happened earlier, was he too old to be driving... or were there other factors??? Does it matter? Would it change anything? No it wouldn't. For me it would change nothing. I hope for his emotional sake it was as simple as him not looking both directions in a timely manner before pulling out infront of me. As that alone is more guilt than I would ever want, and would wish on anyone.
Everyone has done something that there are consequenses for. While I don't like going through some of the consequenses I've gone through, I hope to learn from them and grow, so I don't repeat them and I can move on.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
iSaGeNiX Size 16 to Size 2! WoO hOo!
Ok, so oddly enough, I don't post for days and days, and now I am posting twice in one day. Hmmm. I've been going through lots of changes lately, some of them have been hard for me to see. Even though literally everyone else can. I think I am coming around! I am sure those closest to me will be happy about that.
So the change that has been taking place with me has to do with my weight. I have mentioned that I thought my weight was alright, I did. I had accepted the fact that since my movements are limited, and I don't have much stamana, and that if I move incorectly I will be in alot of pain. So having also accepted that I had also accepted that I at least right now can't do standard forms of excercise. So I thought there was really nothing more that I could do about it.
It isn't that I hadn't been eating healthy either. I really tried to eating as much fresh food as possible. But when you really don't move alot I guess that means larger clothing sizes, I had just accepted it. I still liked myself, and I was still happy. But now being able to actually cross my legs with out effort, and being able to get in and out of bed so much easier. I can get to my feet much easier, and while I never really noticed that I'd been changing exept for my clothing sizes going down, in the mirror, day to day, to me I looked pretty much the same.
Jason and a few other people close to me have voiced their concern about not getting much smaller. I hear them. It is not my intent, nor was it to even be this small. I truly did just start the Isagenix program for the nutritional benefits. I really wasn't thrilled with the prospect of having my bones crack and break as I get older. The doctors reaked me out pretty good, not to mention hearing my mother's voice in my mind about making sure I had enough vitamins especially calcium and vitamin D.
That was my and still is my main concern. So off the program I will not go! I love it! To me it is no different than eating Quaker Oatmeal for my breakfast. I now just have Isagenix shakes! I love it.
This has also worked out so well for me. I want to use the energy that I do have on things that matter to me that I get done or do. I don't think the time spent cooking should interfere with the things I want to do. But it did. If I were to actually cook a meal, I would not be able to do many other things. It just took so much energy to stand there. And since Jason cooks Hamburger Helper or some version there of most of the time if he has to cook... well, honey, I love you lots, I am grateful for the three years you fed me when I couldn't get out of bed to do anything. The Tuna Helper was great! I had food! I was grateful! But if I never see another, let alone eat another boxed meal except for an occasional Kraft Mac & Cheese, I would be thrilled!
So having the shakes that take a minute or two to make works perfect for me. I can make a couple meals a week and eat leftovers, things from the garden, and other fruits and vegies, and I am good to go! So is Jason! It is working so well for us!
I really hadn't planned on sharing with anyone about this. I mean people knew what I was doing it certainly wasn't hidden, but more and more people keep asking. I am honestly thrilled that they are! Even if it isn't something that they are interested in doing. Now, after all of the changes that I can see in me I feel selfish not sharing about it.
My friend who shared it with me, had great results. She is actually my retired Mary Kay National Sales Director. She has changed alot too! Wow! I will post some pictures of us! I just saw her, last night at the birthday party I attended. She keeps looking better and better too!
Not just about the weight thing, I think she's been at the same weight or about for 2 years now, since she started Isagenix. She had lost at least 30 pounds, and I've lost many more than that. But she is glowing her skin is looking better and better and she seems to be getting younger, at least that's how it looks to me.
So I've been doing the 30 Day program with addition of the Calcium and Vitamin D powder added in to my shakes. I change it up every now and then adding some of the other things as well.
I used to take a meal replacement shake, but it never did any of this. I didn't do that for the weight loss either, but the vitamins, but then they changed the one I used and I didn't like it anymore. This one tastes great, and has a cleansing program with it. I wasn't so sure about that either. But it works for me. I just noticed the other day, I can't remember the last time I actually got a pimple! Woo Hoo!!
Some of the people around me who've been watching the weight fall off have started using it too. I am excited about that. I can't wait to see what happens for them too! I've been on the plan since August of 2008 and it is now June 2009, I've been this size for a while, a couple of months or so. I didn't loose the weight fast, just about 3 pounds a week or so. I've lost around 50 pounds. I didn't even notice for a long time that it was coming off. What a nice surprise!
Jason thinks I look like a different person. I have to admit that has its perks! I still have the migraines, I still have the bones that slip around in my spine, I still have the arthritus, and all the other stuff. But I do have more energy, I am more hopeful, I can move around easier, do things a bit easier, my clothes feel better, I look better, I look healthier, and I am doing the right thing for having healthy strong bones! I am sometimes in bed all day long, other days just piddling with things around my house, other days outside in the garden, I drive when I can, and a few times lately I've been able to drive to my therapy appointments on my own.
I have muscles, the Isagenix plan helps you keep your muscles. I haven't had good muscles since the car accident, and keeping what I have and getting stronger is very important to me! Slowly but surely I am getting there!
So if you want to know more, I am happy to share with you, just like I am about everything. I don't mean to sound braggy or anything like that, but if I can do this in my condition, what could prevent anyone else from doing this if they really wanted to!
You can check out http://www.isamovie.com/ If you go to the regular site or the one that they gave me you will see the scary retail prices. So I don't usually share that one, because most people choose not to get their things that way.
Yes, I did sign up, so I could get my Isagenix at a discount! Much less expensive that way! As those of you who know me know, I hate paying retail for anything! If I can find a way to get things less expensive that is what I do! I am doing this because of the products, not because of the marketing. So please hear my heart and know that I want what ever you would want for you.
All of my clothes that I currently have have been bought at Goodwill or consignment shops, with the exception of undergarments, and I did get two new jackets.
That is why I started my Mary Kay business 17 years ago, and that is why I started Isagenix too, so I could get a discount. If others liked it great! But I am in this for me and my discount!
I guess that makes me a cheapskate. I didn't want the guilt of not telling women expecially my friends that the Mary Kay might work for them, so I guess it isn't too wierd that I feel guilty about not sharing about the Isagenix too!
So if you want to know ask me, if I say something to you, it doesn't mean I think there is something wrong with you, in fact skinny people who have problems gaining weight it helps them gain, it is nutrition and cleansing program not a diet there is a big difference!
As a note, my sister has been doing Weight Watchers and she has had great success with that! I am so happy for her! She is so good at that! She started that quite a while before I started Isagenix, and she did so well that they asked her to work for them too! I love it! She's doing what is best for her, and helping others too!
I think it is awesome! I am super proud of her for sticking with it! Whatever you do don't give up, most people do just before their big breakthrough!
As usual this was done in my regular blogging style. It is late I am tired, and proof reading and perfection are not the reasons I started this blog. If you decide this bothers you to much than please don't feel obligated to read it. Or you are welcome to edit it and make changes.
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