NoT WaNtiNg tO...

This post might touch some nerves, it isn't intended to make anyone else upset, none of my posts are. I do write these things to get them out of my head, and to give perspective to those in my life what I am going through so they can understand me better. I love having all of my friends family and clients in my life.

Well for about two weeks now I have been in hell, I haven't felt much like writing, just when I would think I was getting better or back on track, my body would once again rebel. No migraines, well, not many at least, mostly just major body aches and pains. I really have been avoiding my blog. It isn't that I have been unhappy, I mean I am but really no more than usual, but the pain has once again become so intense some days that it is all I can do to get to the bathroom from bed. My pain medication is giving me nausea, taking away some of the pain and then adding the upset feeling is not my idea of a good time.

Hot sweats, throwing up and major body pain are really things that I could do with out. Now, if it were the flu then fine, but this was not the flu. The past couple of days have been better, I have started physical therapy with a new therapist, Kristi. I think that what she has me working on will help. I really hope I can get some of this under control. I am excited because, she has trained with a previous therapist that I had, that helped me allot, but he moved. She knows the same techniques, and then also incorporates some other things as well. My massage therapist also coordinates what he does with her, as he has also attended some of the same training, while his focus is different, each therapy reinforces the other. My massage is not going to help me get stronger, but it is helping me rid my body of muscle spasms each week. For me they are both worth their weight in gold.

I wish I could find something to help me feel the pain less, with out making me queezy. I can become ill all on my own with my migraines, I don't need a pill to make me feel ill. Geesh!

I am also super upset about a recent visit to the state agency that helps people with disabilities, become educated, and help find employment. Jason and I went in for the appointment. The person who was assigned to me, listened to my story, and then proceeded to share that she won't be able to help me. That in her opinion I am to disabled to work. That no one would hire someone like me, and that the only suggestion that she had for me was some of those letter stuffing jobs you find in the newspaper. She then proceeded to tell me that she did not know if those jobs really paid you much or not.

OMG~ FOR REAL??? Lady, come on, I know I am not ready to go to work at this moment, but I will be, I might not be able to do something full time, but I can do something more than stuff envelopes. Having not been able to do as much Mary Kay as I'd like, and living in the small town where I live, people don't flock to my door. I live in a location that none of my clients really travel past, and would have to make a special trip to come see me. I think the day will come, when we will either move, or something so I can really have access to my clients, and provide them with better service.

I am very capable of doing makeovers, and servicing my clients. While I can't do it like I did, I can still do a great job. Ok, so I know some of you reading are my clients, and if you are headed this direction, please let me know, I would love to let you play with my Mary Kay!! If you want me to go to you, let me know that too, YES it is possible! Jason will drive me, if I plan ahead. 17 years of doing this, thank goodness, I could do it with my eyes shut. I am just not as mobile as I was.

Of course there is the Luka issue. Yes, I do know that he is allowed by law to enter any public business or place. However, people's homes are private. So in order for me to come to you special arangements need to be made. You will need to let me know if bringing Luka with me is alright. Or we may need to meet at a more public location in some cases. I may also need assistance carrying all of my supplies inside as well as help filling any orders as these things may demand more than I am able to do.

Even if I were able to drive, carrying my bags in and out of different locations, the stairs up and down in and out of people's homes, and other variables have made things in my business different. For these reasons I haven't been doing my Mary Kay business as much.

The thing last thing that's been bugging me is that many people are so rude and mean. Or just plain ignorant. I discovered this when our friend Joy and her family lived with us for a year. Joy is deaf, dealing with people for her is a very trying ordeal. Very few people were ever really nice to her, most just tollerated her, and some were completely put off by her disablity, some including her own family. Jason and I had the opportunity when we were with her, to call people out on their rude behavior, to educate those she dealt with to be nice and patient, and to thank all of the people who treated her well. Professionals in offices, people on the street, phone calls she would make, and people in the schools you just really wouldn't believe that these people would treat her the worst.

Joy is the most awesome person, she is talented, warm, giving, timely, creative, interesting, thoughtful, tidy, beautiful, smart and more. I understand that she may be harder to get to know or to communicate with than hearing people, but she still deserves the same amount of respect and concideration as everyone else. She does nothing to be treated rudely, and she always is prepared and goes out of her way to make things as simple as possible.

Having watched her deal with things, as I know she has for her whole life, she is very consistant, with what she does. That way she will deal with the same people over and over again whom she has found to be nice and cooperative. She limits her life to the safer areas. I so understand that.

I hate going in to new stores. I hate it! I never know if someone is going to be rude or uneducated about people with illnesses or disablities. Before I got Luka it would even happen, I would go somewhere, and be perfectly normal looking and ask for help with a bag or ask for help getting something off the shelf in a store. I would explain that I am not able to do it myself. They would treat me as if I was the laziest, person, roll their eyes, make me feel bad by making some smart ass comment...

As bad as it was before, it is worse now, I walk in to business's now with Luka by my side, he is wearing his vest, which he isn't even required by law to do. People will be having an attitude immediately with a nasty voice tell me you can't have dogs in here, you need to leave... or just stare at us and not seat us pretend as if we aren't there, some people in these places come up and say is that your seeing eye dog? While they are looking me straight in the eye, and have seen me looking around, they don't even bother to look at his vest let alone read it. Yes, it is oh so convenient to load up my dog, unload my dog, take my dog to pee and poop, carry the bags to pick up the poop, carry water for him, and negotiate isles in stores with him, not to mention the stares you get from the other patrons wondering what is wrong with you, yeah this is so fun for me to do drag my 110lb doberman out in the cold the snow the heat the rain. GET REAL! NO one in their right mind would go through all of this just to bring their dog with them where ever they would want to go, unless there was a legit reason for it. And if they did, at least take the time to look and see if the dog has a vest on it and READ IT!

Man people are stupid! I grew up on a farm, in the middle of no where, and I knew this... what's your excuse.

The one good thing about this is that I have been saving money. Yep! Businesses that do this to me are not getting my money! And I would bet they have lost more business than mine in some cases as there have been other customers around in many of the occasions that have witnessed these peoples illegeal, not to mention, rude behavior. Word will get around, and with everyone tightening their belts, I would think these places would be looking for all of the business they can get coming through their door, not be chasing it out.

Yes, I know that I would have been able to call the police and get these places in legal trouble, but really is it worth it? Not to me, who wants to shop in a place that the owner, or employees are so nasty, I don't ever intend to set foot in their door again. Did you know that you can buy anything online and have it delivered to your door?

That is my newest plan, I really understand why my friend Joy, as well as so many other people with illness and disablities aren't seen in public much. It is too hard. For me to get upset, angry, embarassed, or just fed up, takes all of my energy away from me, I don't have that much anyway, and why should I subject myself to that? I can have a perfectly good day in a safer environment.

One of my favorite movies is Pretty Woman. I love the scene when she walks into the fancy store looking all hookeree, and they tell her to leave that they won't sell her anything, then she walks back in the store looking wealthy hands full of other designers bags and says REMEMBER ME??? Big mistake BIG, HUGE... and walks back out with their mouths agape! Maybe I will do that to those stupid places. I am making a list!

Jason even hates walking into places with Luka and I, he hates the stares that he gets, when people look at him and wonder what's wrong with both of us, because if there is something wrong with me there has got to be something wrong with him to. The stares of adults who look at you then turn like you are contageous. The kids are great! Kids almost always are, and if they aren't well, lots of people have had these same stares when their child is misbehaving in public, and in most cases it has nothing to do with the parents not doing things well, it has to do with the child and how they are developing their own personalities.

Jason is finding that it is easier to to places on his own, that bring me along. The explanation is hard wherever we go. The underlying anger of what has happened over four and a half years ago, and what has happened to me and us as a result. He does not talk about it, if you ask him about it you will get a short response and then a change of subject. I don't know if he is embarrassed on top of angry but I do know that this is not the life he chose to be living. He is choosing to live it with me, through better and worse, but I wonder frequently how much more of this he can take.

Watching the pain in his eyes each day, watching the lack of a life, suck the life right out of my once energetic husband is so painful, he is always there for me when I am needing him, and I am not able to be there for him. I can't go to the home shows that he loves to walk through, I get to tired. I can't do all the things we used to do together, as the activity may hurt me worse. My life has become the life of prevention and protection don't do anything that will cause me to be worse the next day, don't do anything where I might fall, don't do anything where someone might bump into me, don't sit up to long, don't, don't, don't, don't......

How much of that can some one live with? I wonder how much of that I can live with. I always am waiting for tomorrow, because its gotta be better than today! I look forward to the hope of someday. Since I am not able to live like I want to today, maybe someday, maybe tomorrow. So each day I wake up with the hope of living. I wonder for myself how much longer I am going to be able to do that.

I can't imagine with what I see in Jason's eyes, how much more of this he can. It is breaking my heart.

I have had quite the time lately physically, as well as emotionally, I have been finding many good people and businesses too, I will talk about that aspect later. I love my man, I am thankful for my service dog Luka, and I am proud of myself that I have made it this far, it would have been much easier to have given up.