Saturday, September 25, 2010

qUesTiOnS

When to stop fighting?  That is a question that is tricky to answer. 

Do you just sit down and give up when the going gets tough? 

How do you evaluate when you are heading the wrong direction and when do you know it is time to turn around or at least get off this road? 

When do you give in and just accept?  Is it failure to do this? 

If there are no other options, how do you make the best of the hand that you’ve been dealt?

What choices do you find yourself making? 

Are you going to be compromising for the rest of your life or is this something that is temporary? 

What would you need to push further? 

How can you give up your rage over something?

How do you find your way if you feel blind?

What do you do when your choices have all been made for you and life is being handed to you in a box?

When you can’t speak for yourself because no one will listen, where do you go to be heard?

When you think that you haven’t any more to bring to the table, where can you go to get some?

Do you know yourself well enough to know that you can survive?

When life comes at you from so many directions how do you know when to say when? 

Where do you go to find yourself, your soul, have you ever really discovered who you are?

Do you understand the calmness that lies with in you?  Or is all that you hear yelling and screaming inside?

Do you have outlets for the pain that you feel? 

Are you ready to be real?

Can you see the smallest light in the darkest places?

Do you know that there is a glimmer of hope in your heart?

Do you feel the love others have for you?

Are you able to love others in a way that can be felt?

Do you see beauty in the ugliest places?

Do you find hope in the slimmest of margins?

Do you root for those less fortunate than you?

Will you offer your hand?

Can you light someone’s way until they can see their own spark?

Can you cradle someone in your arms until they are free?

Do you bother to look in someone’s eyes to see who they truly are?

Do your actions speak louder than words?

In the greatest pains, can you be hopeful?

In the most unsettled times can you remain calm?

Do you know where your feet are planted? 

Can you grab someone’s arm and hold on?

If someone offers you love can you accept it?

Does truth ring louder than gossip?

Do you know how to stand strong for what is right?

How would you like to be treated, can you see yourself looking out their eyes?

Are you able to take a moment?

Is there a time when time doesn’t matter?

Do you find peace where there is nothing?

What do you know, is it really the truth?

If you say never, are you prepared to say now?

When it is time to say I am sorry are you up to the job?

Do you understand that giving up is not necessarily a failure?

Do you know that the road of life takes many turns?

Is having control more important than letting go?

Can right also be wrong?

Can you be stronger than you feel that you are?

Are you brave enough to weather the worst?

Is your love able to leap tall buildings?

Do you have unfaltering hope?

Do you have faith that you will be alright?

Do you really have to have it all or is some enough?

By being uncomfortable are you reaching out, or does it hold you back?

Can you grow with out trials?

Can you see through the forest without a lantern?

Do you find more comfort in driving others away or by building bridges?

Is your way the only right way?  Or can others be right too?

Is good good enough?

If the sun comes up will you make it your best day?

Do you do your best to stay true to your word?

Do you realize that words cut like knives?

Do you understand that by being everything to everyone there is nothing left?

If you can do something yourself, or you could do it with help… does it matter as long as it is done?

Is it shameful to share your short comings?

Can you accept others for who they really are, or do you feel the need to judge?

What are your gifts?

Where do you find the most stirring moments?

Do you have faith in others?

Can others have faith in you?

What impact can you have?

Are you making things worse or leaving them better?

Do you realize that you matter?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just some thoughts…. Pink Doberman

Friday, September 24, 2010

tBi gLaSsEs

Ok so here is the deal, I have problems tracking things across my field of vision.  I also have a very severe Vertical Mid Line Shift. ( my words not his. ) 

So, I spoke with the Dr.’s assistant today, and I get to continue wearing my glasses but I have a schedule now.

Week 1 which is done now all day

Week 2 which I am on now.. 6 hours a day

Week 3 will be 3 hours a day

Week 4 will be one hour a day

This will continue until my appointment next month.  MYSTERY to me what will happen next.  But I am alright with that.  ( I forgot to ask.) =)

 

Wearing them has gone pretty well I have to say.  The hard part will be timing myself now on when I put them on and when I need to take them off.  I am going to attach a timer to my shirt I think each morning. 

My Chique Pink Cadi driving friend saw me to day.  She loved them.  She’s gone through something else that caused her vision to be off it was solved through other means and was caused by other things.  The result though was to some degree similar.  She totally understands.  I know she does because she two has gone through a bit of hell.  Thank goodness hers was short lived!

I wish I could manage to keep the glasses clean.  They are also getting stuck in my hair.  Uggg!  I am going to be using a bit of Sugru on them I think that should resolve the issue!  Now that I can take them off for a while I can do that easier.  I’ve really wanted to follow my instructions, I’d like maximum improvement.

Well, that is the update.  I had been going to share some more technical information.  I don’t think I will… Yet. 

Hope all is well with you!

Blessings,

Pink Doberman

iNsPiRaTioN..

 

Finding inspiration is a daily challenge for me.  Whether it be through friends on facebook, a CreativeLive class or through the lens of my camera.  I am always on the look out for something to keep me focused on the positive.  I love to learn so the blogs of others have also been an inspiration as well as a guide to searching out what may work for me. 

Learning through the struggles of others, offers me a way to make less mistakes, and a way to learn from others offers more creative options than you may have thought of on your own as well.  I read lots of bloggers blogs on a variety of subjects.  Blogs really are a great way of sourcing free information as many experts are sharing these days online.

 

Two posts I read recently speak to me about photography and why I might enjoy taking pictures as these others have..

Marc Sadowski speaks to having an inner ear infection and how he found sanity through the lens of his camera.

Trevor Current speaks to anyone going through a transition.  His tips are for photographers, but I think they are applicable to anyone going through changes.  He speaks specifically to loss of work but I think what he also speaks to loss of health as well, and often the two are interlinked. 

 

Differing Ability Bloggers…

Dave Hingsburger shared a delightful story a while back which led to my following his insightful blog.  He writes an update to it here, and he also links to the original post he shared.  It is a must read for anyone with a child, especially those who have children with disabilities, or someone with a new to them disability.  I encourage you to read this heart warming and enlightening true story.

Radio Carley shares her story.  It is profound and enlightening as well.  Her message is to have a positive body image.  No Matter What!  Love who you are!  Her message as she shares in this blog is receiving some more attention.  You will really love it!  She is quite the amazing and stylish person!

Robert Parker is living his life!  Amazingly well in my book.  This post of his is short and sweet.  It is to the point.  He is adapting, positively, living his great life.  I love reading his blog too!

 

 

“Experts” at what they do variety of topics.

Rev. Scott  has a somewhat amusing/sad story he shares through his post.  He shares a friends stories.  I won’t say more I will let the messages speak for itself.  I can say however that I am not at all surprised by what is shared in this post. 

Robert Kraft an attorney shares about a previously shared message about Dr.’s non disclosures..  I find this disturbing, I don’t know about you..

At Hyperboil and A Half..  I found this drawing of hers and story to be apt.  This blogger makes cartoons.  This one is applicable to my life to some degree, but I think if you look further into her blog you will find other things that will actually greatly amuse you.  Sometimes humor is the only way to deal with things.

Herzensart You’ve just got to check out this post, but even more importantly, you’ve just got to check out her other posts that include her Vikings, Angles, and other stufflets! 

 

I also read many other blogs, you can check out the list of them at the very bottom of the page.  I think they are all great, for differing reasons.  If you are newer to blog reading then I encourage you to check some of these out.  If you have differing interests than me, google, _____ Blog.  This will garner you with a variety of choices. 

Information is power.  Happiness is a choice.

Blessings,

Pink Doberman

Thursday, September 23, 2010

FaiTH..??

 

 

 

SHOULD YOU have.. Faith in the Medical System?  Blogger Doc Gurley speaks to this

I am serious you really should read this.

 

I hope you read the link above. 

As a patient I find the subject of the article disturbing.  I had planned to share her latest post about the Flu and ways you really can avoid transmitting it and catching it.  New research combined with her common sense directions about humidifiers really solved a quandary for us.

 

Another issue Doc Gurley speaks to is bed bugs.  I’ve been seeing this on the news, I used to travel a lot.  I now do very little of it.  I guess this is one thing I can be thankful for in this arena.  But I don’t want to be crazy.  Her tips are giving me a better perspective, and I will be using them that is for sure when coming from hotels places we normally aren’t.  I already have driven Jason nuts about checking the mattresses of hotel rooms and searching all about before we open any of our stuff.  CREAPY they can be anywhere so I’d rather do what I can..  

Doc Gurley’s main page is here. 

She has tons of other great information as well.  I really don’t feel that I can place my faith in to many things these days.  Growing up every thing seemed so simple,so cut and dried.  It is so not that way.  Not in the medical profession, you have to question things, not in the legal you have to question things, not in the personal you have to question things.  I have learned all of this in a very hard way. 

I am not sure that I have any more answers, mostly just more questions.  I don’t know any more than I did before except that I want very detailed explanations of things that include reason not emotion.  I want disclosure and transparency.  I am going to have to be more personally persistent in endeavors. 

I wish I had faith.

I am not even sure I have faith in much of myself these days.  Although I try my best I am continuing to struggle to reach my expectations.

Blessings,

Pink Doberman

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

AsSeSSMeNT..

One thing that I know is myself.  I’ve spent years working on things I am good at to improve them.  Years were spent on the things I wasn’t so good at to get them to a satisfactory level which was the theory of the time.  That was before I had transitioned to a different theory, focusing on what you are good at make it great and then find others who are great at what you are not and partner.  This will allow you both to be successful faster!  

One problem, finding someone who fits where you have holes. 

I’ve been reassessing my skills and what I can work at developing.  I knew before what I was capable of.  Now, well it varies. 

I guess I am going to have to give it some more time.  In the mean time I am focusing on the arts.  Developing skills I once had when I was younger.  The field of art or craft like photography, knitting, painting  or a medium such as these are more forgiving to individual interpretation and time constraints.  I don’t know if I can turn it in to a career.  But at the vary least it can keep my mind focused on something positive. 

Do you know yourself?  Are you aware of the things that you are the best at?  The things that fill you with passion that let light in your life?  It may be something rather simple, or something else complex.  If you don’t know what you are good at ask others.  Develop that.  You might not be able to make a career out of it but you can use it to make your life better. 

When you own your own business especially in the network marketing field, you are constantly fighting personal battles.  Some are harder to win than others.  Just picking up the phone for me was difficult.  After the accident it got worse, but in different ways.  Before the accident it was only hard to pick up the phone to get started making my calls.  After the accident, I was in so much pain and on so much medication it came through the phone lines to those I was calling.  I could hear it in their voices.  I started loosing clients like crazy.  I soon learned I had to stop calling people. 

Orders that had been easy for me to deliver would sit for weeks because I was unable to get out and about.  I lost more clients.  I was told that I would be getting better.  I just had to do my therapy and ride it out so I could get back in the game.  That didn’t happen.  I tried reaching out to those in a position to help.  Unsuccessfully.  I am not going to go in to that.  It is over and done with.  I am not the only one who lost a lot.  Others lost an incredible amount too by not supporting my efforts and struggle even more who were in lesser positions who were trying their best lost.  Our businesses while independent were interlinked.  I miss the way things used to be that is for sure.

What I wish would have been told to me by the doctors was the reality of.. you are not going to get better, so you need to reassess what you are good at and figure out a way to make it work. 

You can’t go back you can only go forward. 

I am using my new glasses every day.  It is hard to see with out them now, getting harder and harder.  Easier to see with them although things are all out of sorts with both.  I’ve got to check in with the Dr soon so we’ll see.  My PG will start again son too, now with the glasses the therapist should be able to help me with some physical issues and hopefully get some things to stick. 

I am making my lists again, what I want in my life, what I want in our lives, what I am good at, what I need help with…. you get the picture. 

I don’t know what the future holds, I only know that I have a choice about whether or not to be happy where I am at to day.  I am happy today.  I choose to be.  I choose to be grateful for my amazing husband, for a roof over my head, healthy food to eat, a service dog, a scooter, birds, camera, paints and papers, yarn, warm weather, sunshine, football on regular  13 inch television ( we don’t have the fancy kind ), accessible buildings, helpful fun friends…  the list goes on! 

I am now figuring out a way for me to make my life work.  I am still not sure what it will include beyond Jason, but that’s enough for me.

I am blessed!

Pink Doberman

Sunday, September 19, 2010

LoVe… iNteGriTy… dEtErMiNaTiOn… WhO kNeW?

I’ve been remembering, something I choose not to do very often.  I’ve been thinking of the things I thought my life would be like while in high school.  I know for some people the mere mention of those words causes shivers.  Me.. not so much.  I enjoyed it for the most part, more than most and less than some.  But it isn’t a traumatic time in my life. 

I remember thoughts I had about growing up.  I always imagined I’d be working at something I loved.  I never really imagined having a family.  Not that I didn’t want one, but for me I had a greater passion for working at something, building something, seeing something grow.  I loved public speaking.  I wasn’t overly good at it, better than most and not as good as some.  I was just an average kid.  I’ve never really been anything extra-ordinary. 

Well, except in the determination department.  That department of my life, persistence and determination, and an enthusiasm for things I enjoyed doing or had set my mind to accomplish.  I’d say I have an abundance of those three traits.  I guess that is why I enjoyed sales so much.  It is also why I have difficulty giving up at things.  I have a desire to keep going even though things may seem impossible.  I think I was born with this.  I know it drove my mother crazy. 

Seeing people left out of things was also something that I didn’t like, so I’d constantly be trying to include everyone in my endeavors.  I guess that is what made me successful at Mary Kay.  I was having such a glorious time, I thought everyone else shouldn’t miss out on it.  We did have fun it was fabulous while it lasted. 

I never really thought much about getting married.  I wasn’t one of those girls.  Although I always seemed to be able to find a boyfriend if I wanted one around.  Looking back I realize lots of things.  I probably hurt some feelings, unintentionally of course, but none the less hurt some.  Teenagers are not so quick to notice subtle things.  Do I wish my life ended up different in the romance department.  Absolutely not.  Jason rocks! 

The moment before I walked out to say “I Do” I asked myself if I really wanted this.  I probably haven’t mentioned this before, Jason knows.  I had made a list of all of the traits I wanted in a spouse.  Before I married him I went down my list and wouldn’t you know, Jason had all of those qualities.  I’d had this list for 10 years at least.  How crazy is that?  I’d continually add to my list, I had heard of others making lists or posters of the things that they wanted in their lives and how those things had come to fruition.  My list eventually got put in a drawer and forgotten about.  I recall having to do some digging to find it.  But the words on my list were still there when I found it and they had been in my mind all of those years as well.  He matched! 

I was happy, his choice to be with me is a gift.  I was and still am crazy for him.  At the moment of “I Do” and now almost 12 years later.  I’ve learned a lot.  I’ve learned that I made an excellent choice in my husband.  I am not so sure he ended up with the best deal in me.  1/2 of our marriage I’ve spent recovering/trying to survive that stupid car accident.  He’s taken care of me, what ever it has taken, he’s done it.  He doesn’t complain.  He does what he has to no matter what.  He has never once walked out on me.  I am sure he has thought about it!  It really has been a horrible six years for him.

Growing up I would have never imagined I wouldn’t be working, I would be sitting in bed most of my days, and I’d be spending more time online than actually with people.  I never imagined I’d have to be taken care of, that I wouldn’t be a bread winner, that I would be helpless and not able to drive.  I really hate depending on others.  I have a desire to be independent, and I’ve had lots of learning to do. 

When Jason married me I know that he didn’t sign on to do it all by himself.  But here he is six years later doing just that.  I loved him at “I Do” somehow I feel the love that I had for him back then is nothing compared to the love I have for him now.  He is quite simply amazing.  I know that what he has had to do for me has come at a price. 

If I look at my friends relationships, I think most of them have struggles that they would have never imagined for themselves.  I guess that is what makes life interesting.  When you are in high school there is no preparation given to having an less than ideal life.  At least for me I grew up sheltered and groomed and prepared to have the life of my dreams. 

It has been a hard reality, I never thought my dreams would be handed to me, I always knew I’d be working for them.  However I never imagined (naively so) that they would literally be slammed out of my life. 

Helplessness for anyone can be a hard pill to swallow.  One of the things I have learned to do is to be as independent as I can be even thought most aspects of my life still leave me feeling helpless.  With where I am at now in my “recovery” I dress myself, choose when and what I eat, I can go to the store (thanks to my donated scooter), get around our house, get the mail, mail something, learn online, connect with others online.  Travel a little while in the car, encourage others, blog, send out cards, go for a walk (thanks to Luka), do some of the dishes, occasionally do some laundry, fold the laundry, occasionally make meals, pick up the counters and tables…. there really are lots of things I can do.   Some fun things too.. take pictures, ride on the back of a two-seat bicycle, hang out occasionally with friends, knit (well I am learning) … I can do many other things to, except they will usually leave me with problems later..  some of these things will to, I just never know.

But it is worth doing what ever I am able.  It is worth it to me to have the feelings of accomplishment the success of physically doing what I can even though it doesn’t compare to before 2004 it is a huge improvement from 2004-5-6-7-8-9…  It is what Jason will not have to do and it is my gift to him. 

I don’t know how we’ve managed to keep our marriage.  I think it is due to his courage, his love, his fight, and his willingness to forgo his pride, and his dreams, in order to care for me.  He gives up lots to stay in our marriage.  He is unselfish and my hero. 

Right now he is working again…. one of those extra jobs.  He is also sick with a cold.  A cold that started off mild, and with two nights of not sleeping has turned into a nightmare.   He will come home to sleep and I will do my best to drive him nuts by taking care of him the best I can.  =D 

Jason doesn’t think any of this is funny.  He is not amused.  But he is a hell of a man.  He is an even more amazing husband.  I did a great job in choosing to marry him.  I can only hope he feels the same way about me. 

While I would have never in a million years dreamed this dream for my life in high school.  I have always been able to make the best of a bad situation, just like my Grandma P.  I am happy.  I choose to be. 

I think I need to make some more life lists.  I’d really like my life to continue on the path of improvement in a direction of our choosing!

Blessings and Hugs,

Pink Doberman

Friday, September 17, 2010

SiLvEr LiNiNgS…

So what silver linings have you found in or despite your chronic illness? Share your experiences with me and other blog readers in the upcoming edition of the Patients For A Moment blog carnival. 

Maybe it's a person or people, or your chronic illness's effect on your ability to work full-time inspired you to create your dream job working from home. Maybe, like me, you appreciate extra time to read books and magazines, or like my daughter Ellie, you're grateful for magical things.  Maybe there's something totally unrelated to your health issues that is the biggest blessing you feel grateful for. Or maybe you're a medical professional who's grateful for a certain type of patient. Whatever it is, please share it with all of us!   Written by Sick Momma

Here is the post I have written for this subject.  I don’t know if it will chosen or not but I thought I’d go ahead and share my thoughts. 

 

My thoughts on Silver Linings…

So I’ve become and expert at restarting.  I’ve had to adjust to lots of different changes/choices/chances over my life.  Some good and some bad.  I do enjoy change, but change that requires redefining who you are is hard.  Change that makes you question everything, change that breaks you down to your core that is even more difficult.  That kind of change has happened to me twice now, and I’d like that kind of change to stop! 

My core is developing cracks.  I just hope the plaster holds long enough to get me through this life. 

I do feel as if I am all patched together.  A big collage of all of the different parts of my life that I’ve managed to keep stuck together.  I’ve had to let some parts of my life fall so I could hang on to more important parts for dear life.  Some of the parts that have fallen are, my business in Brazil.  But I’ve hung on to my family in Brazil.  I’ve lost grasp of my U.S. business as well.  But managed to keep the best of the friends I’d made.  Other things like driving have fallen, and been replaced with a stillness that I have learned to cope with.  Freedom to do as I please when I please has fallen as well.  There is however freedom gained from the internet, my broadening of concepts and conceptualizations of what life has to be like in order to be happy.  Being independent has gone to complete dependence on my husband Jason and Service Dog Luka and various friends who’ve chosen to stick with us through these changes. 

The redefining of ones life is a difficult process, an arduous process, not something to be taken lightly and not something to be feared.  It should be faced head on with all of the available facts, acceptance is the only thing that helps you get through it.  Fighting the realities is something that will continue to sabotage your process to become the best you you can be.  Realities have a way of changing or at least have hope of changing after they are accepted.  Knowing what you are facing, and dealing with it squarely gives you power.  Even if the only thing that is possible to change is your attitude, do not discount what options are available to you.  Attitude is EVERYTHING. 

Do I or have I always had a good attitude.  Absolutely not.  I wish!  I pray that that may be the case.  I try very hard to keep my ‘TUDE in check.  Sometimes arrogance, or pride can get in the way of me having a good day.  Sometimes pain can.  Sometimes am having the worst days and can have the best days in my mind. 

In my life before the accident, I would say that Attitude had 70% to do with where I had gone and what I had done.  In my life after the accident I’d say that it has had 99% to do with where I am and what I have done.  Keeping my head screwed on straight finding positive things to interest my mind and to focus on has been a moment to moment challenge.  As I have a mind that runs a million miles a second.  I am continually pushing myself to grow in some new direction by learning more about who I am and what surrounds me.

The birds outside my window provide constant amusement and entertainment, as well as a visual feast that I enjoy capturing with Jason’s camera.  Life is what you make of it.  I’ve always wanted to live a great life! 

 

Who defines great? 

I do. 

 

 

Blessings,

Pink Doberman

 

NOTE:  If you have Silver Linings in your life, no matter what kind of life you may be living (you don’t have to have a disability to have to work at making your life the best it can be for yourself everyone has issues, everyone struggles with different things), feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section of this post.  I do realize that most of you that follow my blog are not comment leavers.  Which is just fine with me too! 

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

GeEkiEr…

The glasses thing is going rather well.  I am keeping true to my word about wearing them although there have been more than a few moments when I would just like to chuck them off and stomp on them.  My friend tried the glasses on… she said she had to remove them as they were making her eyes cross.  Ooops..

I have added a whole new level of geekiness to them…  A folded up tissue underneath the nose section of the glasses.  My poor nose is being brutalized by the plastic thingies.  All in all it is good though.  By the end of the day wearing them I can see better with them on than with them off, my vision is wonkey to say the least. 

I guess that is why I have these suckers.  At any rate, walking anywhere outside of my house has become a comical adventure.  I look very intoxicated, I have absolutely no balance and if the ground changes pitch in any direction, can you say SCREWED!!  I can’t figure out where my feet will land.  I pick them up outrageously high to have them fall lower than expected.  Around the house it is a non issue, I have memorized every place I have to walk, I can make my way around in the blackest of nights.  Thank goodness for that.  I still have to be careful to walk with intention to not dislocate but other than that the world is right within itself inside my home. 

I am keeping on keeping on so I am expecting some great results.  The scooter and I have become friends.  Although I think it is beginning to hate me..   Luka drags it all over town, at its highest setting Luka still thinks we are moving to slowly and insists upon dragging us about.  Amazingly Luka has adapted to the hum the scooter makes and can now tell when we are speeding up or slowing down and he adjusts accordingly.  We’ve been out on the scooter most every day!

Jason has gone with us on his bike a couple of times now, that really can throw Luka for a loop, Luka loves to be in the lead, and is confused and distracted when Jason sneaks up beside us or better yet passes us.  It is hilarious!  If he sees a cat oh boy can he get worked up, and then he will pull the scooter even faster, he is discovering that he can not choose the direction that the scooter will go.  Thank goodness for that is all I have to say! 

We tried buying a harness for him at the pet store.  Thinking that this would make his desire to pull a little friendlier for him.  I don’t mind him pulling, quite honestly, anything to wear my brute out is a good thing.  The harness well, we had bought the largest size available in the store, it does not fit!  GRRR..  so now I guess I’ll be ordering one online.

Well, I am off to make my yummy chocolate IsaShake for lunch. 

Blessings,

Pink Doberman

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

DiLeMMa…

Frightening.  Upsetting, Frustrating. Horrible. Unprofessional. Harmful. Weak.  Disconcerting. Faithless. Abusive.  Wrong. Poor. Disconnected. Unable. Weak. Heartbreaking. Sad. Exploitive. Unspoken. Hurtful. Silent. Ignorant. Disingenuous. Powerful. Complicated. Ruined. Untrustworthy.

I wish I could say more. 

I can say this.  I have the most amazing Dr. who has gone over above and beyond to enlighten us about something affecting our lives to a great degree.  And it is something that is non medical.  I don’t know if things will be able to be repaired.  It makes me so upset.  It has been a great point of frustration for years now.  If it weren’t for his diligence and amazing connections we’d have never really known or understood that our frustrations were well founded.

I never knew that I could do anything about it.  I hate being so naive about complicated issues.  I hate that those who have this knowledge aren’t willing to do something to fix it.  At least we now know.  I hope something can be done.  I pray that something can be fixed. 

I am sorry to not be able to share this with you.  I can’t share, at least not right now. 

If you pray, please pray that this situation can have a fresh start with fresh eyes and be resolved in a professional and expedient manner.

I will be alright.  I’d rather know than not know.  I’d rather face things knowing what I am dealing with than being in the dark.

Blessings,

Pink Doberman

Saturday, September 11, 2010

DaY 2 ViSiOn QuEsT….

Amazing day!  Migraine #2 on day #2 of wearing the glasses..  not bad.  I’ve been a busy girl.  Well today not so much really the most I did today was eat three squares and take a trip with Luka on my scooter.

But that turned out to be even a bigger pleasure than normal.  I got to see tons of people I hadn’t seen forever, they were all driving by in their CARS!  Me on my scooter, I was getting wet in the misty rain, and they were all snuggly dry in their cars.  I truly think I had the better deal!  The mist was glorious all those other folks were seriously missing out! 

Luka’s Muttluks worked like a charm!  His feet were nice and dry when we got home!  LOVE that!  Although he will soon be wearing through the leather bottoms of his shoes.  We wear them lots!  We love them!  We don’t get a commission for saying this at all!  But we really do love them!  So does everyone else we come across they are quite the attention getting magnet as well.. Ha ha..  Not that we need any more of that, but I have to admit that they are super cute on him and he really does wear them well!  He’s the preppy version of a Doberman. Did you know that the preppy look is back?  Well it is, they shared this HUGE news on nightline.  Might just have to look me up some penny loafers! 

Ok, I will breathe.  I am not taking any medication at the moment, just rambling.  Jason called me out on that earlier today, when I think I’d had my umpteenth phone conversation with him for the day which is highly unusual for me.. well I try to restrain myself you see on days like this but as you can see from my verbiage I may have had difficulty with that today.  Although this morning I did have to take several medications to get rid of the nasty second day migraine that was present just after I woke for the day. 

Well before I continue on this path of random nothingness I will stop for the night.  I am tired and I’d really like a night of some sleep!

Excited though, because I can already tell my eyes are changing.  So far so good I guess.  I assume they are changing for the better or relatively so, I guess the doctor will be able to tell and at some point I hope I will be able to as well! 

Thanks to those of you who chose to stop and chat with me today!  I loved it!  ALL OF YOU MADE MY DAY!!  (B.. I hope you remembered to turn your fancy lights off! )

Blessings and Faith,

Pink Doberman

Friday, September 10, 2010

gLaSsEs… ScOoTeR.. TwO-SeAtEd BiCyCLe.. SeRviCe DoG.. & aWeSoMe HuSbAnD!

So I have not written very regularly as of late.  I’d like to be but, life happens.  This morning it was a migraine.. Yesterday no bad things so I was a busy beaver over doing in the cleaning department. 

I’ve been so out of sorts for almost a year now again.  I have good days but not good enough to actually accomplish much more than being up out of bed a little more or being out for things for a short amount of time.  Well yesterday marked a day that I felt well enough to kick some ass around the house.  Jason was not home, and I just tore in to the top three shelves of a closet that have been making me insane!  I mostly cleared the stuff off of a bed, a dresser, and cleaned out 1/2 of a closet.  I called a friend with connections and she took all of the clothes that do not fit me away to be gifted to others.  Phew! 

I went for a walk with a friend, scooted about with Luka who is now getting regular exercise due to my having a power scooter!  I love it and so does he, we went to the bank, went to the nursing home to visit some friends, and I did rest as well, but not as much as I should have.  Hence the migraine this morning.  It was a doozy too!  I had to take every bit of medication in my arsenal.  Thank goodness Dr. G gave me some extra medication for just this type of occasion.  By 3 or so I could function and while I was not feeling at the top of my game, I was determined to get out again.

So Luka, Jason and I went for some exercise.  I on the scooter, Luka pulling the scooter ( because he seems to have a huge desire to be in the lead) and Jason on his bike.  We took a good jaunt around town and brought Luka back home huffing!  Gotta keep my old guy in good shape.  He’s around 11 now and it still takes a while to tire the old guy out.

Luka’s been remarkably helpful as well.  I’ve gotten my new glasses! 

20100909_1909 Glasses

They have prisms for the lenses and electrical tape on the lenses by my nose.  I don’t recall exactly why.  I do know that I have a problem seeing things vertically as they should be.  In fact I am off by quite a large amount.  So the glasses I guess are going to train my eyes and my brain to readjust themselves to give me better perspective.

Cute huh?  Well I don’t mind!  As long as they work!  They are actually a trip to wear!  If you see me around with them ask to check them out! 

I can walk alright on flat surfaces just like before, but give me any sort of angled surface to negotiate, and I have severe issues.  Especially now with the glasses.  I’d gotten more used to my sight with out them so I am kind of a walking disaster now. 

It is going to be Luka’s continued duty to guide me while my eyes are adjusting.  I am not sure if my brain thinks I am coming or going.. This is going to be interesting for sure!

So at any rate today after getting Luka tired out once again, I talked Jason into giving me a spin on our two-seater bike.  Since I have no balance and no distance viewing abilities, I have limited push power with my legs, and I am basically a dislocating mess.. this bike has been the answer to getting me moving.

We’ve gone out three times on it or so.  We just got it fixed up so we I could sit on it comfortably  We changed out the handle bars, raised up the seat and we are set now!  I love it!  We’d gotten the bike last year and I couldn’t ride it because I had to bend over to far and it hurt me.  Now with the modifications we are good to go!

20100909_1585

So Jason is basically pulling me around on the thing, but I do my best to keep my feet on the peddles and push as I am able.  I love this!  It is so fun to get out and about.  We can have conversations and see things together and I am getting stronger with it as well!  Yipee!

With the scooter I am also doing some exercises like not leaning back all of the time and using my abs to hold myself up.  So while I am scooting around I am giving myself some other benefits as well.  Not all bad, and I can run some errands that Jason would otherwise have to do.

So wonderful!  Luka can’t wait to help me go get groceries again! 

I can’t wait to get more of our house straightened out!  When you can’t do things, they all just pile up.. literally.  It is frustrating!  But one thing at a time and I will get it done!

Blessings,

Pink Doberman

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

WeEkEnD

Today is a little less than I had hoped for.  Yesterday was more than I thought it would be.  The day before was fine but more and less in different ways than expected.

Funny how life is always full of surprises.  You never know what is going to float your boat or sink your ship.  The unexpected has interesting ways of changing things up and expectations are, well, anything but realistic.  But then again if I were to deal in realities, I don’t think I would ever want to wake up. 

Life is what we make of it.  The good the bad and the in between.  Because something doesn’t tickle your fancy like eating cucumbers when you are a child, it does not mean that they won’t rock your world as an adult.  Life is funny like that.  If you don’t keep your eyes open you never know what you could be missing. 

I sat yesterday in one chair for the entire day and evening.  Which is pretty usual for me.  I spend lots of time in bed propped up by a precise arrangement of pillows.  Two fluffy full pillows under my legs, three behind my back with two soft feather ones on top of the three fluffy and full others.  A small pillow to my right for my right elbow and another under my left.  My computer is usually in front of me, on the rolling hospital style tray that Jason got for me about a year ago.  Before that my computer was kept on a foam container that I moved on and off of my lap with some degree of difficulty and for sure detrimental to the actual computer and it’s components. 

The finches feed voraciously on their feeder to my left I watch them negotiate for position on the pegs as they flitter in and out from the surrounding trees.  Occasionally I’ll be able to grab the camera and snap a few shots through the window.  Although lately that has had less interest from me than it did previously.  Maybe now when the fall colors start to show on the trees will I get an increased amount of enthusiasm.  I’ve taken so many pictures of them, it is hard to figure out how to change it up and make them look different, when the subjects appear so similarly in what I see. 

But yesterday things were a bit different than usual.  I was not at home.  And while I chose to stay in one chair for the entire day for comfort reasons.  The day was anything but ordinary.  I was with family, not my own genetic version, but one that I’ve become a part of none the less.  Kind of weird how this happens.  I like it when it does.  And it isn’t that I don’t look the part because I kind of do.  A friend came and grabbed me.  One who I think may soon be in my life more than before.  She and her family took me out to the gathering.  She loaded up all of my stuff, remember I can’t go anywhere with out my cadre of bags. 

Luka was thrilled we had already gone on a long fast run.  I say this because he ran his little heart out, and I drove my new to me scooter.  Oh, I haven’t written about this yet either..  I’ve gotten a scooter donated to me!  Woot Woot!  We did have to go buy a couple of new batteries.  $$$$ OUCH!  But it is now working almost perfectly! 

Ok.. It is break time..

I guess I’ll be finishing this another day. 

Blessings,

Pink Doberman

Saturday, September 4, 2010

CaUtiOuSLy oPtiMisTiC

I am.  I have hope.  I have not got very far in the literature, that my newest Dr. has given me.  I don’t know why, but I do better at reading things on the computer than on paper.  Not that I am great at that either, both still take some time.  Paper takes much longer.  I can read it but understanding it is the difficult thing.   What else is going on with me you ask??? Click Here to read that post.

When it comes to reading things that have words that are new then it becomes entirely more difficult as well.  But I have been attacking it little by little.  Here is what I have come up with: 

The treating of the neurological dysfunction with prisms in my case isn’t a cure.  It is rehab which helps to maximize the effects of regular treatments. 

That being said.  I am hopeful for a transformation that will allow me to drive a car safely behind the wheel, that will give me greater cognitive abilities such as clearer thinking, more focus, less forgetting.  In addition I would hope that my balance and bearings would also receive come clear cut improvements.

However, I will take what I can get.  I’ve started many therapies, with therapists who’ve given me timelines and told me I’d be better in x amount of weeks with NONE.  I’ve come to realize that what is going on with my body requires multiple modalities of intervention.  I’ve tried multiple approaches to Physical Therapy alone and at the same time to corporate with one another to no avail, tried medications out the wazoo!  Frightening how many different pills I have tried for hope of relief. 

I’ve been looked at with disbelief, with concern, with your crazy, with your an addict, with disgust, with admiration, with sympathy, with blank eyes, with compassion, with unknowing but believing.  I’ve had doctors, who dismissed me, who listened, who cared, who referred, who kept trying. 

While I do not feel vindicated.  I myself have always known that I wasn’t making this stuff up.  I know because I question myself, I ask myself, I test myself.  I do feel yet another sense of relief of knowing what is going on.  Knowledge is power.  I’d rather face something head on instead of hiding from it or sticking my head in the sand with an effort to remain the same.

Am I irritated.  Yes.  Am I happy… well there are always reasons to be happy!  So yes I am happy!

More information to come as I continue to read, and I am still waiting for my glasses!  I’ll take a picture and post!  I guess they are going to be rather thick!  I will share that I think the frames are rather cute.  I chose from their left over frames, and out of the 8 they shared with me, I liked the ones I will be getting the best!  I think they are cute!  Not that that matters of course.. well it does… and it doesn’t.  But they did cost me a fraction of what they would have cost had I bought this years models.  YIKES!

I am all for a bargain! 

BTW September 13-19th 2010 is Invisible Illness Awareness Week  Warning if you are easily overwhelmed like I am, this sight is a bit overwhelming!  But it does have some mighty interesting information on it.  ( I now know why though I hated going to this site!  Before this would have totally been up my alley, but now it is hard to find things)  Give it a try and be patient.  If it hadn’t been for several bloggers extolling the sights value, I may not have stuck with it.  So just know that there are things worth the extra effort here. 

If you live in the USA have a wonderful holiday weekend.  If your from Nebraska specifically… GO BIG RED!! 

Blessings,

Tonja

Thursday, September 2, 2010

i ReALLy WiSh…

you could choose the questions you wanted to ask and then pick the answer of your choosing. 

life’s lemon’s were not so bitter sweet.

some things wouldn’t come so late,

that others would have never come at all.

that more people understood the questions,

that more yet knew the right answers.

that dreams could start where you left off,

that people really did to others what they would want done to them.

that pain would be fleeting,

that persistence really did pay off.

that the sunshine would never end. 

Blessings,

Pink Doberman

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

TBI.. TrAuMaTiC BrAiN iNjUrY…

So at my visual appointment.  My very specialized visual appointment.  With Dr. N I learned allot.  I wish I could remember it all.  But he gave us two huge stacks of paper so we could learn more.  I evidently have a TBI.  It effects my balance, makes me dizzy, concentration is highly difficult,etc!  With my Ehlers Danlos Syndrome it makes things even more tricky as my joints wiggle out all over the place!

And it totally explains why Physical Therapy was helping but not fixing anything but keeping my muscles in order as much as possible!   

I am not going to list off more because at this point, well it seems pointless.  Suffice it to say I have some major issues, and they are all in my head!  Jason loves saying that!  Not psychologically, (although the Dr. was amazed that I hadn’t tried to commit suicide and wasn’t in a gurney. HE ACTUALLY SAID THIS! … not sure how to feel about that, good I guess.  Thank God for my MK attitude and growing up on the farm is all I have to say.)  So as I was saying not psychologically, but actually problems in my brain! 

I can only tell people that things are different now.  Describing the differences is like seeing through a muddy river.  Impossible.  I have known that I couldn’t think like I did before…. I can still think.  But it is slower, harder, more muddled.  Walking is the same, I can still do it, but it wears me out and doesn’t feel safe to do.  I feel best lying down, and there is a very good reason for that, of which I will explain later. 

Actually I’ll be explaining more later as I am just digesting this news.  I am trying to read the stacks of paper.  Which is VERY difficult, because it takes me forever to read things, and then actually comprehend what I have read.  But since I have the time, this is what I do, just attack everything bit by bit!

I told Dr. N about how I used to be able to do tiny work with my hands.  I can still manage to do it but it is an extreme amount harder.  The subject got on threading a needle.  He asked if I would just give up with the process because I had found it too difficult to do?  NOPE I said.  I don’t give up!  I figure out a way to make it possible!  I have.  It takes me longer to thread a needle than it ever has in my life, and do I do it often?  NO!  But if I need to I figure it out!  And I can! 

I remembered trying to do this a while back and I became so frustrated!  I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get the needle threaded.  I finally put my two hands together and did it by feel not so much by site.  Therefore lining things up physically instead of by line of sight.  YEP!  I figured it out.  It still takes me longer to do this than before.  I would usually have the needle threaded on the first shot barring any stray thread parts. 

This gives you one example of what it is like for me. 

I told him also that I couldn’t explain why, but the more I would drive, the less I felt I should actually be behind the wheel.  It wasn’t as if I COULDN’T drive.  There was just some thing not right with me driving.  I can pass the test etc.. I did.  But driving became so much harder for me.  I LOVE to drive!!!!!!  I can’t tell you how much I LOVE to drive!!!!!   Allot! 

I also thought that it may be psychological due to the accident, so I just made myself do it after the accident.  Not often, in fact if I didn’t have to drive I wouldn’t.  But things happened during the course of my driving that gave me clearer indications that I shouldn’t be behind the wheel.  Disorientation.  Not nearly as fast of responses as I had had before.  It was different, harder.  I definitely did not feel it was safe, so I stopped driving when ever possible, and later I stopped driving at all! 

Dizziness.. yup, I’ve had that as well.  Really couldn’t describe it in the beginning, after the accident, but also could hardly move my body as well, so there wasn’t much opportunity for me to be moving around much, in fact moving around has been so much harder.  Still possible, but the amount of energy it takes for me to do the simplest of things is just mind boggling for me.   Things I would have had whipped out in no time take me 20x as long to do and I am exhausted afterward.  Besides the fact that I am so slow in doing them. 

So I have TBI. 

I have lots of test results that prove it!  It doesn’t show up on a CAT scan!  I am still as smart as I was before…. that is not saying allot!  I was no scholar.  But I was able to remember peoples names and faces very easily.  I can no longer do that!  It is frustratingly hard for me to remember faces now, and if I do, getting their name to come to my mind is harder yet.   I work at it by playing games like solitaire, and bubble beaker, giving myself challenges and things, and I have gotten better at it than I was after the accident, but not great at it like I was before. 

It is a HUGE RELIEF to know WHY!   To not only have a doctor who will back me up with what I am saying, but to have brain wave scans that prove it!  Eye test results that explain it!  I even have something wrong with my inner ears! 

He was just amazed that I was standing and could put a smile on my face.  I won his trophy (figuratively speaking of course but he did actually say it.) for being the most damaged in this particular area of my brain than he has ever had in his practice.  Now that is something to be proud of wouldn’t you say? 

OMG!  I have to keep a sense of humor about this all.  Jason was about ready to break down and cry… with all of this news.  He sat through the over 4 hour long process with me.  He watched every test get done, he saw every result, he’s a trouper that one!  Thank God! 

He shared more too… but I won’t go into that just yet.  Another day another post.

I have a feeling I am going to be sharing allot of information on here.  He is one of THREE PEOPLE in the entire country that are EXPERTS at this!  Thank God he lives in my back yard.  Even though what he does is so amazing, they are just now teaching it in medical school.  He’s been doing it over 20 years.  He explained this process to me.  I’ll just tell you you don’t really want to know!  But I will say there are more treatments, tests and things like that available than your own personal doctors could possibly know about.  The trick is being persistent enough to not give up and to keep searching for the ONE who can share what you need with you!

I feel so blessed!  So relieved.  So vindicated! 

Oh and I am getting glasses! 

Yes I have nearly perfect vision, and I am getting glasses! 

                                                                        More about this later!

Blessings,

Pink Doberman