Sunday, May 31, 2009

ShOuLdN't YoU?

So as I sit here with many changes headed my way gaining the courage to face it all head on. To set everything up with the smoothest transition space possible. Some changes can be planned for. Some of the happen quite unexpectedly. I am fine with that. Surprises.... well, I prefer to know them in advance, even if not prepped for them I do still enjoy them.

Hey it is so much better than being bored. I just read a FB post tonight from a friend who's just had some surgery, they shared that they were recovering, and bored out of their mind. The thoughts that run through my mind when I read that, were, Hey, ENJOY IT! You actually have a life to go back to! Then I thought, wow, bored, I am rarely ever bored.

Jason and I tease each other, as he often becomes frustrated with me when I am able to verbally express myself. It used to be easy for me to do so, but nowadays it all comes out in the moments where I have enough clarity and energy to express myself , share my ideas, and my frustrations. My mind is always moving thinking about these things and those. I have such interesting thoughts, I am always getting ideas, or solving issues in my mind.

I am a good out of the box thinking problem solver. I may not, actually probably will not come up with ideas that the regular folks will come up with. I never have been that way. I really love the crazy things that go through my mind. I just seem to see so many things as others do. That is so hard for some people to accept. But I think those things are just what makes me, ME! I've always been like that.

I received an update church newsletter, we've stopped going for a variety of reasons, but even the thought of sitting in those pews can make me want to stay home. I really get uncomfortable and achy in those wooden slat seats. The newsletter spoke to how people are now choosing their churches for the social interaction, and when that doesn't meet their needs they just switch churches. I agree to that for sure. On the other side, when we chose this particular church to attend, we did get along with many of the parishiners, their ideas, goals and worship style were to be in transition and we were also excited about that. However many don't like change. I don't know if change will ever come to the congregation. We came to build our faith, in a supportive environment. We didn't choose that church because we wanted everyone to agree with us, but to work together with others to create a stronger faith for all, to find a spiritual home.

In the end, it seems as if the home that was being built, at least to us, had nothing to do with God's message of love one another, and the praising psalms... The newsletter seemed to be directed at us, about what they thought we were after, THE CHANGE... In order to survive your faith evolves, the church evolves. Things and people that are afraid of moving forward wither. Oddly enough most of the people that brought us in to that church are no longer apart of it. I am guessing that others felt the same pain as we had when we wanted to work together, to come together, and praise God in a safe environment. Not one where you would be told to your face that things were wanted, then when you stepped up to help, were shut down, and looked at as if you were not church worthy.

YIKES! Not a place for us! We still like what we were told the church stood for, but I think we are so much better on our own. Praising and practicing our faith each day. Learning and growing at home, and where we are planted. Faith comes from within, it doesn't come from what others think or say, it doesn't come from where you are on Sunday, or who you sit with or what you sing. I've always understood that I wish others did.

There has been a change I have been told I need to make. Actually it is an appointment. I've been told to make, truth be told, I am scared to make the appointment. I am usually alright with facing MOST things. I really, am dreading this one. My Dr. wants another set of xrays that a surgeon can look at. I don't know if they will find anything different or not, but, the thought does exsist in the back of my mind. I've done these before, but evidently they weren't done in a format that surgeons are comfortable looking at or using. FRUSTRATING!

For me the process of getting these xrays done may leave me in bed again for days weeks or months. I am so not excited! They will be looking to see if any of my bones slip around. Well, I already know the answer to that question. YUP!

Each time they do, I have a little more discomfort, they can cause more tingling, more numbness, an irritation that leads to terrible migraine pain, at the very least cramping and pain that will require ice. It isn't that I CAN'T move my neck, it is that my neck is very hard for me to control, makes me tired to hold my head up, and causes me a great deal of pain even when I am not tilting it all directions. But the extension xrays that are needed for the surgeon require the movement.

I am not sure what to do to make this process better. I know my Physical Therapist can move my cervical bones back in to place if my muscles have not flaired up. I will just have to plan ahead I guess. A day that Jason is not working will be a must....

Maybe what they find through the pain will turn in to my gift? I've got to have faith!

My dad lets us borrow his car. It is terribly uncomfortable for me to drive. He doesn't understand. For him the car is so comfortable. It is a nice car. It runs well, doesn't break down, has most amenities available... however the seats do not support my head. They do support his, but he is about six inches shorter than me... I am hyper grateful for the opportunity to have something to drive! Before this I had no choices. I however do not feel safe at all in the car. One small tap from someone not paying attention and horrible things can happen to me.

The Jeep has great seats, as the backs are tall enough for me to rest my head on while sitting straight. But the Jeep is Jason's to drive. I do on occasion drive it.. but it is rare. It is also a five speed, which if my hands, hips, or shoulders are hurting makes it much harder for me to drive it. But I do feel safer in it. I will feel better after driving the Jeep than I do after having driven my father's car.

I know this sounds horriblly ungrateful. It isn't that I am not thrilled that my father has gone out of his way to lend his car to me. He pays for everything, that feels bad. We buy the gas and the oil changes. I wish we could be paying for more. Writing this is so difficult, these are choices that you make. We are so grateful for so many things, for our parents, we know they love us and want the best for us. They also want the best for others as well. Both sets of parents have made sacrifices for us financially. So we could have the freedom to stay afloat, and so we could also help others as well.

It hurts allot to talk about these things. Especially when we would have needed their help a little less if we were to stop helping. I guess that choice is coming up again. I think the answer this time will be that we will place our focus back on ourselves. This time if something happens in someone elses life that will derail us financially. Something that will set us back for helping someone else, instead of getting ourselves in a safer place, and our families in a safer place, the word no will be what we make a plan to say.

Will it be hard? Of course. We hate to see people suffer. We hate to see people who don't have the loveing caring people in their lives that choose to give them a hand up. This time it will have to be someone elses hand to hold. We will be able to help those who've been helping us back before we tackle something else. At least that is our goal. If you don't put your oxygen mask on first, you will never be able to help someone else get theirs back on.

Jason's been working extra jobs just so we can make it. My dad's even picked up some. I know that our other family have adjusted things as well. So have some of our friends. We are blessed, so have the people that we've been able to do something for. I hope they are in a better places now, or will soon be.

In my heart knowing I did what I could do, even if there is no appriciation, will keep me sleeping better at night. And in that department, I will take all the help I can get. Watching the reruns of the icky things that have happened in my life over and over replay in my mind night after night when I can't sleep or in the moments my mind shuts off from idea making.

Just knowing that others are out there who might start having their bad memories replay over and over in their mind if no one helps them. By giving some help, I feel as if I have done something.

Have you ever wanted to find some place in your heart for empathy for someone or something so different than you. Have you ever wanted them to have that empathy for you? Wouldn't the world be a different place if instead of looking at their differences, you would look at them for all of the things that were the same? I wish there were more places like that, more people like that. I truly believe that if people would honor each other, with the grace, courage, and empathy that they would like given to them, that this world would be a much better place.

The gift may not come in the best package... But if you open it appriciate it for why it was given, it will be one of the most beautiful things. Just open your eyes, get rid of the sorry for yourself or the things you need to move beyond. My dad's car is a gift! Our girls are a gift! Our dogs are a gift! So is our faith!

Our girls from other lands are out making a difference. They chose to look outside themselves, to learn about others, and now they are each begining to make their mark! It is so exciting to know that you knew them when! We are so proud of their choices! We can't wait to see what the future holds!

What can you do? Face what you might find to be painful. Do what someone else would benefit from. You have more inside you than you think!

For God so loved this world... shouldn't you?

Friday, May 29, 2009

wAiTiNg FoR wEiGhTiNg HoW LoNg WiLL iT Be?

Riding a bike! The day before my car accident almost five complete years ago, I was out riding my bike having the time of my life. Ok, so I am not the best bike rider. But I had aspirations... Jason loves to ride his bike and he is actually good at it. Growing up on the farm with gravel roads doesn't lend itself to becoming an excelent cyclist. I had lived in town for 1st and 2nd grade... the bike that I had then was actually my dad's bike. So, there I would be riding around our little town, on an adult bike that was WAYYYYYY to big for me. Hey, it worked!

Swimming was like that too, for entertainment growing up we would run through the sprinklers, not go to the pool. So I never felt as if I could swim. I later joined swim team as a very old teen. I was the worst on the team, but I did it so I could be a better swimmer. I am so thankful that I did that. I was always scared to death of swimming. I still can't open my eyes underwater. I don't dive well at all, I am certainly not fish worthy. But, can I swim across a pool? Can I do several swimming strokes? CERTAINLY. Now I am limited by my energy leval as to what I can do but swimming is a gift I gave myself.

I wish biking were the same. While not being the best biker on the planet, I sure did enjoy riding. It was something that Jason and I would do together. We had even gotten a bike rack so we could take them along when we would go somewhere. I would dream of being like the bmx kids jumping mounds and spinning their wheels. Yes, deep inside I am probably a thrill seeker. On the outside though, at least most of the time, I like to keep my feet on the ground.

While growing up, I was a work hard play hard girl. I would be up doing outdoor animal chores, before school, I must admit most of the time unwillingly... I loved my horses, cow, dog etc, but I also loved my sleep, and my warm environment especially in the winter. Breaking the ice so they could have water to drink was not on the list of things that I loved doing. But riding and loving my horses was a gift, a dream, a freedom! It was worth the price.

Today I find the price for some things is too high to pay, for other things I find myself continuing to evaluate and conjure up ways to make it happen even though the price may be high. Jason really helps me evaluate the price of things. His price often times for me seems to be higher than mine. He places a higher value on my not hurting than I do. For example, he knows that if I drive any of our vehicles, that I will be worse for it and that price is too high when he could be doing the driving so that I would feel better and be able to do more fun things with him.

He would rather I feel my best the most. He gets frustrated with me for doing things that MAY cause me to feel to exhausted later, or that MIGHT make me have more pain. I do love him allot for that! REALLY I DO!

For me, I find that sometimes the price is RIGHT. Ok, so like today, I drove myself to my Physical Therapy Appointment. I can I EARNED MY DRIVERS LICENCE! Woo Hoo! Although I don't drive very much by Jason's choice and much by mine. Today I had these appointments, I needed to go so I can get stronger, and feel better. My Physical Therapy is helping me. If you were to see me do it, you would think to yourself, geesh big weenie! Your therapist has to help you even on the lowest setting. WELL YEAH, she does. But maybe in a week or two or three or more I will be doing it on my own, and eventually I won't even be on the lowest setting!

The feeling of having my hip not solid or my shoulder bones move around and feel disconnected is a feeling I would really like to never have again. The price to pay for this is driving myself and being physically exhausted or it could possibly be getting stuck in the city not being able to drive myself home. I really am focused on doing well, not only with my driving, my therapy, but also in the quality of the things that I do.

If I do my best I am happy! Even if it seems as I might have failed or come up short to others. Being honest with myself is difficult, I often find that in my mind an arguement will form. Example: folding laundry, I really don't mind doing the laundry. But when I do get tired, and have just pulled things from the dryer, (by the way it wasn't long ago that I couldn't even do that with out straining something) I have to really push myself to get the things folded. Sometimes I find that my arms are so heavy and hurt so bad that it makes me want to quit and live with the wrinkly clothes. After all no one else in this house cares about wrinkly clothes.

I find myself wanting to just fold up a pair of pants with out lining them up well, or with out turning down the cuff or not turning things from inside out to right side out. Or to leave the top buttons undone because my hands hurt. I have done these things, after all getting something folded is better than not. But I am not happy with myself if I felt I could have done it better. I feel so satisfied with myself even if I hurt a little more if I did it the best I could. Sometimes that means asking someone else to do it, other times, it means, drying them again or a whole new wash cycle since holding a scalding hot iron isn't the best choice for me the girl who drops things.... Which I really hate to do, but it is better than wearing a piece of clothing that displays promenately I don't give a crap. If I were camping in a tent, I might not care...

Even before this, my mother instilled quality in what I did, while I was not always enthusiastic or cooperative she did her best. ( I wish she could see me now.) My dad always did the same with his acts as well, it was very often I was schooled in the art of Musk Thistle cutting and bagging or irrigating, hauling pipe, feeding the cattle, or driving the tractor. You had to do it right or bad things can happen. In some cases there would be no second chance.

I learned the hard way too... Some of us learn that way the best... this way hurts the most, not only ourselves but those around us. Many of these lessons are too painful to want to talk about.

My business with Mary Kay has been no exception. I suppose this is why I am in business 17 years later, dispite all of the hit's I've taken. One of the person's mentoring me with my MK business expected excellence, in fact she pretty much demanded it. She wouldn't recognize less, wouldn't compromise, and really pushed for the most out of you. I wasn't always up for it, but I did grow, with her leadership style, I persevered, and I pushed myself not for her but for myself.

There is something inside me that strives for excellence. Not something that is competing with other people, it is a competition with myself. I am happy with myself already, I am always looking for improvement, but I certainly don't need it to be happy.

I am often puzzled by others, unhappiness within themselves. They say they are unhappy about things, or don't like things about themselves, but are yet unwilling or not able to do something to change. They are constantly looking for the change outside themselves. They try to push things that others are to be more in line with what they are so they will justify feeling better about the things that they hate.

I hesitate to write about this topic following what I just shared... But as usual, I do this with no intent of offending or pointed at no one specifically. I have lost allot of weight reciently, I know that weight issues are an extremely hot topic. Being thinner than I was is nifty I must say. A dream come true? Not really, I never really thought of myself looking different than this. Even though I was heavier, when I would see myself in the mirror, I never picked myself apart, I always saw my body as just right. I do have to say that my main frustrations about being heavier had to do with the ease of which I was able to get in and out of bed (since that is where I seem to live most days), crossing my legs (It had gotten difficult to do.) and my thighs rubbing together creating a rash when I would wear skirts with out nylons. Ok, that was more than most people wanted to know, I realize.

I would see pictures of myself, and think, hmmm I am a little heavier I guess, or wow, is that what I really looked like that day?? Wow, I never noticed, I was so happy that day and all of these great things were going on, it never occured to me to be self consious of my weight.

That being said, I was headed down a slippery unhealthy slope. I know that people with physical limitations especially have an extremely difficult time recovering from weight gains, and the health ramifications that go along with them. I see this with able bodied people as well. So when a concern was presented about a long term health issue with me I decided, Hey! I am not going on this path! Not with out a strong effort on my part to bring my body into balence! I became dissatisfied, I had never before expressed discontent with my size publicly or privately.

I am and have been committed to doing everything I can to living the best life I can. That means doing all that I can to stay as healthy as I can. This brought along a whole new search for me... I was looking for vitamins primarily, and as it is difficult for me to track what I eat, and measure everything and count, it is also difficult for me to stand and make a meal for any lenghth of time.

I have grown to love cooking, over the past several years, I am even pretty good at it. But the physical aspect of it takes a tole on my body that means I am not able to do many other things. I won't go in to the specifics of what I did at least not now. If you want to know you are welcome to ask me, I am happy to share, in fact I have. But I know that what ever type of thing that you choose to do to change something, in fact to change anything in your life, that you must be true to that, that you must persist, you must not give up and you must do everything you can to keep yourself on track.

So many people give up in the middle of the pain of change. They never follow through, they never give it their all. They just give it a thought, a short effort, or an inconsistant try. In order to make the change whether it be what time you wake up in the morning, reaping a successful harvest with a garden, learning to swim, riding a bike, or loosing weight, you must persist consistantly through the most painful parts to ultimately bring about that change in yourself.

Sharing this reminds me, I am not able to change ANYONE ELSE! It is up to them to decide what they want out of life and to go get it. However, I will be anyone's biggest cheerleader when they tackle something that is hard for them.

Reciently a friend of mine posted on her Facebook status that she is going chocolate free for a week and wanted to make the announcement publicly to help her stick to her goal. Some of the first comments she recieved were, why would you do that? Impossible chocolate is crutial to your life, and others. I had written, You can do it! Go for it! I am here for you! I don't care why she wanted to give up chocolate, it might just be so that she could prove to herself that she could, maybe she had something different in mind, I don't know.

Then the sad reality crept in of the sabatoge her "friends" tried. I really don't know why. I can only imagine as well, but I guess they would rather see her fail than succeed, and that they must feel pretty crappy about themselves to try to bring someone down to their leval.

Hey, I love chocolate as much as the next girl! But part of me loving it means that I don't need it! I don't depend on it, I just love to enjoy it!

I am so proud of her! She went her week! She did it! And she posted it on her Facebook status! WAY TO GO! Girl You Rock! You held true to yourself! Others unsupportive oppinions didn't influence you to give it up, in fact I bet they pushed you to do it!

I love it!

I know I unknowingly have said things that werent' as supportive as they could have been. I am sure we all have. I really try not to be a downer. I think that is something that is in the hurts the most catagory. I have of course admitted when I have caught myself and done all that I could to make things right. But it doesn't take the pain away for me. It does remind me to keep going and keep pushing myself to do my best.

Someday I won't be changing anymore. But I guess that will be the day that I am brought before God. Until then I welcome it, even though I might not always like doing it.

Thursday, May 28, 2009


It only takes a moment, a thought, a situation, an error, a success, a lifetime... to change your perception of a situation. Everyone deals with things differently. What may make one person happy, will make another angry or sad. You never know what will set a person off, how could you? Each person has had a different past or been involved in different situations. Even if you've had the same experiences as another person, your reaction to the same situation could easily be different, VERY different.

Everyone struggles, I am no exception. Different things hurt me, annoy me, stop me, excite me, bring joy to me than they would to someone else. We all like different types of ice cream, different breeds of dogs, we enjoy wearing different styles of clothing, as well as working and doing different kinds of things. We are all unique.

I am amazed, at how difficult it can be to see someone elses point of view. I do try to. I have my doubts that others try to. Ok, I don't always try, but I do much of the time. Even if I find that I could never understand or agree. I am always open to agree to disagree. I wish more people were. It seems in this day and age, teens want to be adults, adults want to be teens, both want no responsibility and both want all of the perks. I remember as a child I always wanted what I couldn't have. Even if it was painful. I thought that braces looked great on my friends, so I wanted braces. I thought that it was neat that others wore glasses, had freckles, and had barbie doll houses. Needless to say, I never did get everything that I wanted.

Sometimes it doesn't matter how bad you want something, other times it does. It depends what initative you are willing to take. In any given situation. People wonder why the are not able to get a promotion, why their life stinks, why they don't like their job, why everyone else gets all of the breaks. Put your self in other's situation. Problems solve. And do the and then some.

Are people being taught to take initatiave? A recient trip to a hotel would suggest not. The hotel which specialized in serving specially cooked breakfasts for their guest ran out of eggs, and milk far before the breakfast was to attend. They then began to fill the dry cereal bins and more... They shared with the guests coming for breakfast that pancakes were their only option. However there was a grocery just a few blocks away, a convenience store closer, and in the same building but on a different floor, a coffee bar... Which carried plenty of milk on hand. Can people think out of the box?

In my mind things don't always work as you expect. Lemonade! What you weren't expecting may just turn out to be the mot amazing thing. Grab it accept it and make the best of it. I am not saying it will be easy, I am not saying that you won't have to do the and then some. I know that what you wanted in your heart will never go away. But maybe at the end of your life you will find that all of the unexpected, unplanned, and plain unhappy, made you a better, stronger, and wiser person.

You never know what you have coming. When the bad happens, do your best to squeeze out the sour, and go out and find the sugar to add to your lemons.

I am blessed. Even with all of the bad. I am loved. That is enough for me.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

MiNdNumBinG ChAoS!

So as things go for me anymore. It is days and weeks before I am able to get things on my list accomplished. Don't think that because I am writing this now that I actually have my list completed. It is actually far from the case. I have written a list of things that covers two pages each line of things that I need to do.

Grrr. I've been saying that allot lately. It has been over a month since I have had the mental/emotional/as well as the timelyness factor to be able to write this post. My month has been totally out of control. I plan everything ahead of time, thank goodness I've started doing that. At least that is the way the month started out. Somethings are not able to be planned for but those that I can prepare for early I sure make every attempt to do.

I had the things for my garden planned out early... my plans fell through, but other options have risen, and I am making the most of those. The garden is still not all planted yet, but at least I've gotten it started. Jason has agreed to help me get the rest of that in, of course that will have to wait till next week sometime.

I ended up making a trip to a town with a great monument to tour. Jason taught a class and I was able to go with him! It made for a great Cinco de Mayo trip. I even won a tee-shirt! I love it too!!! Jason's mom made a great recommendation to try out a resturaunt! The night was fabulous, great friends, and great food!

On our way into town, we stopped by a natural rock formation and took pictures. We made it just in time to get a few pictures in before the sun had completely set. We travel and try to stop and read those histerical markers. At least that's what we call them. We drove into town, and checked in to the hotel then went looking for food. That took us quite a while, this town shut down at 9pm. Nothing was open. Thank goodness for Taco Bell, who's hours everywhere are super great!

His class was over, and the next day we took advantage of the morning and early afternoon to go see the sights. It went perfectly! I was feeling well this morning, after a week of on again off again migraines. I got better just in time to go out to eat the night before. And I was feeling great this morning! Jason was shocked! I haven't been able to walk that much in a long time. We didn't walk more than 300 yards total, but hey, we didn't have to for most of the things. Jason drove us up, and had just planned to do that. He'd drive, I'd get out and stand or sit, and then we'd be gone to the next area.

I had other plans. I wanted to give walking the paths a try! It worked out great, we went slow and we got to go on a couple of short trails, so that we could enjoy the views on the goregous day!
We took pictures, and read about each area, Luka enjoyed it as well. He was able to get out and sniff around for a while, so much better than smelling things from the back of the Jeep.

Things went so well we stopped at a state park on our way home. I didn't walk as much there, but we did get out and take a few more pictures.

Our trip home was interesting. The Jeep decided that it needed to have a pitstop. We chugged into a town along the road. We sat for a while while the awesome Jeep Dealership fixed it up and off we went again. By this time I was feeling the activities of the day. I had begun medicating. With all of the activity I hadn't noticed, and nither had Luka, he was too focused on the new surroundings, and then getting as much sleep as he could, that boy was exhausted. He'd been watching me for days with my migraines catching many of them, but even then it took some time for me to be out of that pain. It had been varying from a couple of hours to about 8 or so hours.

This time was to be one that reminded me how lucky I am now. With Luka, with the Radial Neuropathy Injections, with the medication, with the added strenghth I have, all of these things have made it better. Jason is even dealing with this better. Although we still have our moments. It turned out, that this migraine would last 5 days. All day all night, all of the things that are bad about getting them happened. I even tried to go to the ER to get some help from the Dr's. That didn't work either. The last couple time's I have gone, it seems they have changed how they treat people with migraines. They don't give them pain meds they give them other things. Which would be fine if it worked.

They asked me after the IV of fluid and medications, how I was feeling. I felt two different ways. 1. If I wasn't moving and didn't have to talk I felt pretty good, the pain was less. 2. If I had to talk or move at all, I would say or do anything to not have to move at all! It was HELL! So, since this form of treatment may work on other people, it does not work on me. The migraine lasted 3-4 more days, it never went away, and I just began taking all the medication I thought I could keep down, and not get in to trouble with.

That sucks! I would have rather been at the hospital being monitored. But since their protacols are different now, I seemed to have no choice. This had to stop. I was told after I came out of the migraine that everyone was very worried about me. I was in a coma like state just moaning and sleeping, or throwing up for days. I didn't eat much and I slept and slept and slept. I kept the ice on my head and neck. Also had it on my back.

Durring this time, there were many promises that I couldn't keep. I just kept putting things off one more day, one more day, .... I felt so bad that I couldn't even ask anyone to do those things for me. It would have been to hard, and too painful to get what I needed done.

My client Kristy, I remember I spent many days worried about her MK order not getting out. But I couldn't do anything about it other than worry about it. Now Kristy, is very nice, and she was more than gracious. It isn't that. I just hate not doing what I say I will do. I hate not being able to follow through. I was also supposed to be getting the garden in the flowers planted, other MK orders out, and the house cleaned, and food made for a birthday party and a graduation party to be held at our house. These are things that others could pull off, but not as I had planned.

To our teenager who the parties were for, our house was already clean in her mind. (keep in mind that she came from a home where the mother wasn't able to clean for years!) I am determined to not let that be me. It might take me longer, things might not be perfect, but they will be done as good as I am able to do them. And with that I will be satisfied.

And that's how it went. I got better from this episode. Luka by my side, now feeling guilty for watching me suffer so. He was like glue. I've been to my Dr again, and the new medication is 1/2 gone already this season has brought many barometer changes. Aie Yie Yie.. Not to mention I am pushing myself to make sure that things are accomplished. Jason is working all he can, and well our teenager is a teenager. While concerned and helping, is helping like a typical teen who is self absorbed, and focused on her social life. I was the same way, no amount of talking to would make this better, at least not for the long haul, we had had a couple of talks but none that warrented any long term change.

We just hope that as she grows up and has personal responsibilities that she will fufill her obligations. But since she hasn't had the best examples of that in the past, we are just trying to be the best examples that we can. She will constantly compare, in her mind an occasionally verbally, that everything is already better, cleaner, nicer or whatever than it was, and did make the comment that so many people would be thrilled with our home as it is, that it was just fine it didn't have to be perfect.

While that is true I know. The standards that I have set for myself and that I expect from myself are not set this low. While I've had to compromise, I am certainly not willing to give up, on the cleanlieness, or the fixed up portions. If I can find a way, I will make a way!

Her birthday was great! Thank goodness for tax money. We had planned to bank it, but with having those that had promised to help us with her, find other places for their financial assistance, we had invitations out for these things by now, and that made it our responsiblity to follow through with them. Graduation and her birthday, used up the money. We had combined her party with another who was graduating. That did help, while we had double the people, we had others responsible for things as well. As I knew even on my best day, that I would never be able to make the salads and sides needed to feed people. I made BBQ pork, I made allot 4 shoulders worth. OUCH! I should have picked something easier, but never having done it before, and having planned to do it a couple weeks in advance, well, the timing didn't work out, and it was done just in time.

The arthritus in my hands was going full force and the pulling apart of the fat and the meat about did my hands arms and back in. But it did turn out to taste very good. It was a success. I spent up to the moment getting things ready, and everyone pitched in. We have a neighbor guy and gal who it wouldn't have been possible with out their help. I did allot of dishes, and I felt pretty good for the day.

During graduation Luka caught another one. I took my meds and Jason took me home early. I didn't have time to rest, I just had to hope that Luka had caught it in time, and the meds would now do their job. I stayed in the kitchen, as that is all I could manage. No extra people, and nothing more to focus on than one thing at a time.

Outside there were people everywhere! It went well. Off with out a hitch. Two happy seniors, and the house was cleaned up for the most part that night! Phew!

Now the past days have been for catching up. Gardening, watering, paperwork, regular cleaning and such. We've seen a few friends, done a few things. Tonight is the first time I am finding my head clear enough to write this post. While there have been many more things go on. Over all I am proud of how I handled everything. I did as good as I could. I didn't give up, and I think most things went very well.

I guess that is all that I can ask of myself. We are headed out tomorrow for another trip to one of Jason's jobs. We are so fortunate to have such good friends! We could have never done this with out everyone's help!

We are broke but thankful we did our best! Should we have spent the money? I don't know. I have guilt about it for sure. Could we have done it less expensive? I believe so, I never dreamed that those who had promised to support her and us for doing this would not. Hindsite being what it is, we should have just served cake! But, we made it through, our bills are paid on time. Somehow, it happened. God is good! Thank God and Thanks to my MK and Jason's extra jobs!


I hope to post some pictures of my garden soon too!! Check out my facebook for most pictures! And as usual I am now by far too tired to check my spelling and grammer... So I appologize, but this blog is not about that so on to publishing and bed I go!