Wednesday, July 22, 2009

iNsUrAnCe ~ AsSuRaNcE

So, three posts in two days, wow for me this is an unintentional record. Having had a difficult time getting to sleep last night, I figured I'd be tired and my body would like to sleep in. However this is not the case. Bright and early at five thirty this morning I woke up. Everyone else still asleep. At least in this room, where all my guys are in their beds too. Well Luka is up here with me. And he is wishing that I and the other two clowns were still asleep.

Oh well, it is not to be. My back is not better. It is from not being up and around, but it isn't better from last nights sleep. I was really hoping I would wake up and everything would just have been a really bad dream.

So, last night, through my mind ran all of the things needing done today. That will now be falling on Jasons shoulders for sure. I had planned on doing some of them or at least what I could of them. He will drive is 1/2 hour home from work, pick up some things at home, drive them another 1/2 hour, drop them off, pick something up, and drive home, when hopefully it will be dry enough here to mow two lawns before taking me to Physical Therapy, unless by some miracle I am able to drive myself. If in this case I am, he will then go to a funeral an hour away, come home wash the dogs, sweep and mop the floors, clean the couch off in his room, and be begging to go back to work!

I just hope he's been able to get some sleep last night. As I sit here I can't help but think there is more that I've missed that needs to be done asap... The other day while at work he excaped a burning house just before the roof collapsed. Thank God! Each day is a gift.

Fortunately for the others he works with he actually has alot of training and experience. Fortunately also for the home owners of the city he works in. Unfortunately, most of the guys left on the job who've not been able to retire yet, have less experience and less training are the ones in charge. Due to his former city having been taken over by this city. When that happened, his career path became extended, and his chance of promotion and his years of service amounted to nothing. He has started his career over the last couple years. He can't even apply for a permenant station to work at yet, let alone a promotion.

I am sure I have talked about this before. It is some thing we are grateful for but at the same time feel sick about. He has a job. Yea! But I also know he goes to work in dangerous situations working under others with less experience and in his line of work, one day that could cost him his life. I don't care that he's not the one in charge, and neither does he. He's never had to be the one in charge. He is definately capable. It is just kinda freaky to know that people who've never had a career in fire fighting and who graduated their basic training a month before him are going to be in charge of him for the rest of his career.

I know that most everyone on the department is qualified. It isn't that, but qualifications are only part of the package. This is also not me freaking out! I've been on many fire scenes, as that is one of the things I used to do, first as a volunteer, and then as a career, always in a support position. While I don't understand everything, I do have a healthy respect for what they do, with an equal amount of respect for how dangerous the job is.

He never grew up like many little boys having the desire to become a fire fighter. He just sort fell into it. Found that he was good at it, and earned a spot on a department. Each of the men and women on the department have earned it, so I am not saying the people that he works with are at all incompetent. I just wish they had more experience in calling the shots, especially when it is my husband inside that building!

I am thankful that Jason speaks up when necessary, and that he has earned the respect of those around him enough that they listen to him. After all he is a pretty cool dude! Hee Hee. So for that I am grateful! Also, while I have not met many of the people that he works with, actually only 8 or so out of 600 plus, due to the fact that it has been impossible for me to get to functions while he is at work. The ones that I have met have all been pretty nice. Which says nothing of course for their skills, but he does really enjoy working with most of them. That helps quite alot.

Acutally it almost seems for the guys he's gotten brought over with, that he has had things pretty well. Yes, others got better deals financially in the begining, but things are working out in the long run, and I am sure he will continue to create a nifty future there.

While this wasn't the plan for us, that we had outlined. It is the path we are on at this time. Even if he could get a job somewhere else. There would be no way for us to afford it. Health Insurance, has become a Major topic in our household! I now have a hand full of pre existing conditions! starting on a new plan would mean at least a year of not being covered.

We could never financially survive that. Not that we've really been able to survive gracefully as is either. I don't like thinking about what we owe, even having insurance. We are even in the quite lucky boat with our insurance. They haven't thrown a fit over my care, we have had to fight for very little of it. But still everything isn't covered, and we are able to deal with things one day at a time.

Health Insurance Info I found interesting Another Site I found Interesting as well

I think that is how others do it too! Breathe in Breathe out, Breathe in Breathe out, and you'll make it through it all.

So today is going to be a busy day for Jason as he walks in the bedroom door, and I am once again feeling guilty. I feel so horribly bad for not healing like the doctors told me I would. I feel so horribly bad for having lost my International Mary Kay business, for having lost my Mary Kay Car, for having lost my Mary Kay Directorship, for having lost all but about a 5th of the clients that I once had serviced. I dissapointed alot of people. I had so many people counting on me with my business. Jason was counting on me to provide him the opportunity to work by choice not for necessity.

I volunteered as a member of Rotary with several duties, and I failed at that as well. There were people depending on me there as well. In fact, I was supposed to be starting a summer camp for teens to expand on their leadership skills. Having not known I wasn't going to get better, and I would be so highly medicated, I also messed up opportunities for not only Rotary but NLOM, to receive the funds from the booking that the Rotary camp would have provided.

Gosh the list goes on and on. I wasn't the only one contributing, but I had earned a position of leadership with them, and when a leader doesn't lead, what ever they are leading goes now where. I was struggling to live let alone lead anyone. I was struggling so much that I didn't even comprehend the disaster to my life that was about to happen.

Once I did it was way to late. I really feel for those who are loosing their homes, loosing their jobs etc. right now. I have already gone through this and know the pain. While we didn't loose our house, I almost sometimes wish we had. We'd be traveling through life a little lighter right now.

Well, I guess I woke up feeling pretty sorry for myself today. I am glad I got that out. I plan on having a really good day. I am not sure what that means I will do. But I will find some more sitting projects and get going on accomplishing them. And Maybe just maybe, my Physical therapist will have the answers that make my back better today!

You never know! I am glad I have INSURANCE I just wish I had ASSURANCE!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

bLaA BLaa bLAa....

So doing a bit better tonight. Not moving much and keeping my back relaxed has definately helped. Then I get up and move around, and it comes back. So, with further review, it is not in my lower back but the lower part of my mid back. This is definately some new area for me. I am so disgusted. I don't even know what I did to make this happen.

I guess it is par for the course. I mean, my shoulders click in and out of something, my hips do it, my neck does it, so does my back, but I havent' had this part mess around much. Geesh! Thank goodness for Luka, I usually only talk about the migraine help he does, but he also provides stabilization on stairs, steps and when I feel week and unsteady. Helps me up, which has helped again a bunch today. I usually need help up, not always, sometimes I have enough juice to do it on my own. Sometimes I just need a little and other times it is alot more. When I can't see the greatest he helps as well for me to have as an extra set of eyes as reasurance, while he's not a guide dog, he is also not an idiot and doesn't want to be run over!

Having Morgan here, he needs to go out more often, and he is smaller than the other two to boot. Sometimes there is an object near by, and I will use that to brace myself with if I am sure it is steady. Don't need to put pressure on him unless necessary. I know he's getting older.

I talked with Jason, he's doing well, a little upset that I am hurt yet again. Frustrated because it was doing something he would think I could do. And something that I think he doesn't want to do. I mean he does so many things I know he doesn't want to do, so just another thing to keep on his list. Frustrating I am sure.

I really wanted to get my garden weeded too... Not to mention all of the plants I have yet to get planted. Will I ever get caught up? I've got asparagus to plant yet, and tons more things just sitting out on tables in my back yard. While it isn't likely that they will actually produce anything at this point in the year, I did get them started and I put all of that time and effort in to growing those plants, that it is frustrating for me to think I wasted my time. At least since this year's weather is so funky they may be able to produce even though they'd be planted ultra late, I'd sure like to finish it.

I don't know that I will be doing ANY planting or weeding. I can't think that that would be the best thing to rid myself of this pain that I am now having.

I should have sat in my basement and worked on my curtains instead of sowing seeds... so I should have been sewing instead of sowing! As my windows sure could use the towels out of them and the other one's it would be nice if they would have other coverings besides the see through ones.


I have other projects to be working on as well. I had thought that was the most important as it would really impact our bottom line as far as groceries were concerned. Oh well. What I did manage to get planted I am sure will help. Those things are looking great! Just really need to get my strawberries weeded, and help that rabbit move into a new home, other than my strawberry bed. I'd really like to have more strawberry plants next year. I love strawberries!

We'll tomorrow's plans have been outlined with Jason, so it is time for some rest! I really hope a night of sleeping makes this back issue disappear!

Blessings to everyone who is struggling with something! I know that is most everyone! I know you will make it through, just as I know I will too! One day at a time! Good things are bound to be squished into the spaces!


Today brought a great morning! I was able to get Luka to the vet to see what can be done about his allergies. Vet Brooke was there today! Great surprise! She is between her internship and her real job in Chicago! Woo Hoo for her! It was so great to see her! Her dad of course was gone, as she is giving him a break! We've got a plan for Luka, he is going on a Food Trial for 12 weeks. OH boy!

After that I came home and hung out with the boys for a while. I had planed to go to the city, my friend is there, my sister is there, and I needed to get an order mailed. I had also planned to go to the bank and a couple of other errands. I am so frustrated! Things need to start moving forward only not backward.

Jason has been frustrated, that letting the dogs out in the yard leaves little piles in the yard. Well yes it does. But they really need to be in the yard for a while each day. It is so much nicer than just being let out into the kennel. They lay down, roll around, sit in the shade or the sun, sniff around and are quite thrilled about it! I also enjoy sitting in my chair with them on all sides of me we all get to hang out together. Somedays I squirt a little water on all of us to keep us cool, other days we just do a little relaxing.

Today, I thought I'd grab our new pooper scooper and pick up those piles. It isn't like they were every foot or anything, there really weren't a whole lot of them out there. I even grabed the little there was in the kennel. Jason's been doing it lately, I do it less often. I really like our new scooper, it has a longer handle and is much sturdier than our old one.

Somehow I did something that my body didn't like. My back has a sharp knife like pain in one area now and is radiating down my right leg. I felt it sometime during my scooping not realizing how bad it hurt, I was pretty pleased with myself doing something nice that Jason would be happy about. My therapist told me that sweeping, moping and vacuming wasn't the best action for me, so I haven't done that since she shared that with me, and our floor is nice and dirty. GRRrrrrrRRR! Geesh!

So I thought poop scooping doesn't involve swishing back and forth etc.. it should be safe. PLEEEEEESSSSE.... Somehow I ended up with this horrible pain in my back, shooting down my leg. Ok I've had sciatica for a while now, actually off and on for just about 5 years now... I've even gotten steroid shots back there during this time. Guessing they've worn off! Geesh!

Flubbed up my whole day! I was doing so well!... At least as I sit here, I've found a new home for my latest foster dog. I have also gone through several magazines, and sent two files to my friend to be merged. I can also still get my product returns done. So the day is not wasted completely. I am just really MAD that a client's order in which I mixed products up did not get fixed today. Tomorrow! There is always tomorrow. Tell me how many times can I screw up shipping things to one person? I don't think I've ever been this bad before. I feel so horrible.

Unfortunately I am also getting my next migraine as I sit and type this. My Relpax taken. I'm not bad yet, and really hope not to be. I had been thankful that I only had a pain in my back not anywhere else. But guess that isn't what the evening holds for me.

Somehow there has got to be a way for me to do something! Jason just can not be responsible for it all! It is rediculas! I can't believe how frustrated I am! I should be able to do something besides sit on my rear in bed after FIVE YEARS! Yes that date is coming up quick! FIVE YEARS of one day at a time... Dr's, Medications, Hell!

I am finishing this post I am getting worse quick.. gotta take more meds, and get my body completely horizontal. Tchau for now.

Tomorrow will be better! I am sure! At least this morining was good! and Jason will have very little poop to scoop!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

GrEaT dAy!

Great day~ I got many of the things done I had planned. I woke up early, thanks to the newest temporary addition to our household. Eight month old Morgan, our latest foster dog, needed out to do his business. Drank my shake, stopped some pain from getting worse, picked some lettuce from my garden, grabbed some herbs too, I am really hoping my basil and rosmary will keep growing bigger. Got ready and headed out the door with Luka.

This week, at my therapy session, we outlined some new goals. I had met some of the goals outlined, and we needed some new ones. At the same time, I have met some goals, I have gone backward in other areas. I had been realizing that I hadn't had/made time to get my at home excersizes done. So I am making a renewed effort to do my excersizes each day. Each day I can anyway, somedays it is enough just to make it through the day.

Yesterday, I walked the two blocks with Luka and my neighbor to the Fire Station Fundraiser for a BBQ lunch. I did great! I had also walked a little bit earlier that morning when Jason and I were doing some volunteering for a bike race. After lunch I went to my neighbors house and helped her out with a project. Jason called finally after he'd finished his volunteering, picked me up and we went to grab Morgan. We got to the pet supply store where we met the retired police sargent who volunteers to pick up dogs and bring them in to the rescue. We were running behind due to an accident on the interstate that Jason had to help with. We made it, better late than never!

Shortly after we arrived, wow, I started hurting. But hey, I'd done alot and I was pretty happy! Today was similar to yesterday in that I walked 2 more blocks to the fundraiser they were doing for a girl I know who has been battling cancer and brain tumors, and other things. I have to say I was a bit nervous, as I was going on my own. But I really felt compelled to show up. I was so glad to see the parking lot full and the place was packed when I got there! I sure was hoping that she would receive a good turn out and have some financial help.

It is hard for me, I walk in to places where there are lots of things going on, and it is hard for me to focus. I have been learning to get a plan in my head before I enter places. I had been at this place many times before, and it is always set up the same. That helps! Having Luka with me helps, but he is also an attention magnet. People around here are getting used to seeing me with him. Some people anyway, to many the pair of us are still a curiousity. Some people are nosey wanting to know EXACTLY why I need him and what he does. Most are not trying to be mean or whatever, most are just overly curious, a few are RUDE! I wonder if I should ask them what health issues they have, and get in their personal business. The rude ones, seem to be saying, you don't look sick, so ...... I just hope they catch me in a good mood, otherwise, I've been told by my hubby that I should have been nicer. Probably so. Today went pretty well. (I am thinking of offering up when my latest period came, how bloated I felt, the last time I had a bowl movement... etc. when they get so nosey and are condesending.) Of course Jason would be MORTIFIED by this response. .. Well at least I can be thinking it in my mind, and then picturing their faces.

Gosh, I don't mind sharing. I mean, it isn't like having a service dog is actually something that is common. Although there are two of us who have them around here. But I know she doesn't get out around town much, and hers is for more typical reasons. I have never even met her, or her dog. But I know that they have been newly teamed up.

The pancake lunch, which could have been breakfast, was good, and the walk back home went well too! It was nice. I wish I could have given more, but hey, we all do what we can. For me, I was pleased at how I did. Finding somewhere to sit, was a bit difficult. I kept seeing spots, but didn't recognize people, and couldn't focus on the tables. I finally saw a table that was completely open. Normally I would have found someone I knew and sat with them. But I just couldn't seem to see where anyone I knew was. Frustrating. But at least I was sitting. The table soon filled up and my friends mom, who I know well, stood and talked to me a little until people started trying to pet Luka. Then the conversation turned to service dogs and why I need one.

Blaa Blaa Blaa... Getting home, I came in for a rest, let the boys all out, and even sat outside in my chair with them. I was even able to water the plants! YEA!

My goal, is to go for a walk everyday. It is also to do the breathing and body part lifting excersizes in my notebook from the therapist. Today I also did my book excersizes. Luka alerted on me in the middle of them so I stopped took a pill, and went to relax. He's always been right. So I am learning to just go for the meds, and not mess around. While he doesn't catch them all, I am thankful for the ones that he does. He is getting older, and needs lots more sleep.

Great days! I am meeting my goals while doing some life living. If I'd have had to drive today I would have had to stay home because of the meds. Since I didn't I made it to what I had planned. I am so happy!

My plants are even begining to produce! Soon I will have tomatoes! Already have lettuce and herbs. I almost have a cabbage, the others got eaten by a rabbit-grrrr. I may have some onions soon as well! Yippee! I really need to weed the strawberry bed, where the rabbit seems to have taken up residence. But other than that, well, I think things are going rather well as far as vegetables go. My flowers on the other hand I am not nearly as successful.

This should be a good week. My friend Jen will be around, my sister Kyla may stop by, and my cousin Julie and some of her family will be staying with us for the weekend! Mabey Jason will go to the pool with me as well. I am not going to hold my breath on that one.


Wednesday, July 15, 2009

bLeSsiNgs & HugGS!!

Pretty good day today, not all bad. As soon as I say or think things are better in the summer than the other seasons... BAM.. but I do enjoy the summers more, the sun does make me feel better. Most of the time I think it really is better, it could of course be completely in my imagination. If it is I would really like to keep it that way.

Otherwise there is no reason to look forward to any time of the year. I told a new friend today that I just deal with things one day at a time. He receintly survived lung cancer. OMG now that takes real courage I think. Knowing my mom survived breast cancer, and watching her up close and personal go through pancreatic cancer. All I have to say is WOW!

My mother told me, even if I could get better, I don't have the strength to get better. The fight to live was so hard on her, that it got to the point that she was ready to go. She knew for all of the pain that she was in with it, to recover from it would be even more difficult. Looking at her and watching her, I would never wish that on anyone. The pain was so great, the loss of body muscle, mass and changes to her were so profound. I could never have asked her to fight through it. I can't even imagine.

And for my new friend I am just elated, for all that he went through, he is on his way back. he fought the fight and is now celebrating on the other side. He is getting his body, mind, and spirit back in shape, and I got to be a part of it today. I am thrilled this made my day!

Waking up today I knew I was in for a busy day. I just hoped it would all shake out properly. I needed to get the house ship shape. We just got back from our regular monthly trip. I was able to go out with friends, have a good afternoon sewing even though I was hurting a bit. I kept that to myself, maybe shouldn't have gone out, but to me it was worth it. I know Jason would just rather I stay home and rest. But I had been resting.. Grrr. I am sick of resting. I want to do things! The weather was in charge of this one, so I was going to get it either way, stay home, or go out with friends. I chose GO OUT! WOO HOO! Two nights, one was after an adventure race, I rested all morning that day, went out for a bit to watch in the afternoon, and then rested more after that before people came over. Then the next night I was able to go to dinner and the movies. I was hurting some that night, the other night went really well! Yea! But after that the whole next day was worthless. Through the night the weather showed up and I was good to go the next day. A little groggy, I was able to pack my stuff up so Jason could haul it all out. He had wanted to leave the night before, but I could hardly move so we had to wait.

We could have done it, but I would have had to suffer quite alot, between riding in the bumpy Jeep, and the air conditioning still not working. Thank God, that the following day I was better. I am so happy for that. Otherwise, he may have just left me and the boys there I suppose while he went home back on his shift. I even sold a bit of MK! Yea!

We'll I was able to get the house all spiffed up after the trip. I was really hoping I would. It wasn't bad at home, just lots of bags and stuff that needed unloaded. We'd done quite alot after we got home. But there is always more. I don't ever care if things are perfect, but I do care that I did my best to do what I could. I will always be happy with that. Especially nowdays.

By the time my new friend arrived, ( yes, this was my goal) the house was better. He and his friend came to pick up our precious Shelby! What a journey for them both. She had to overcome her fear in order for this day to become possible. He had to overcome cancer for this day to be possible! He had seen her TWO YEARS ago when she was first up for adoption. He is recovering and one of the first things he did is start the search for a doberman again! Due to a series of strange yet seemingly destined events, she is not only a new dog, but still available to be his dog!

Just makes me want to cry thinking about it! A guidepost article about a dog named Yahoo is similar to that! Wow! I just found out about that article today as well.

Luka has been like this for me! I still dread going out, primarily due to ignorant, and mean people. ( but, I am getting smarter about that.) When Luka is with me I have a greater sense of confidence, and I feel better knowing I've got him to use to negotiate stairs with no rails, not to mention when he catches my migraine before it happens! Wow! That is such a huge deal for me! I have a little taste of freedom!

I got some laundry started today, even hung some of it on the line, actually some of it is still out there tonight. I was too tired to drag the big heavy sheets in. The bundle I did grab was not so fun to do as there must be another shift in the weather because I am just a bundle of fun tonight.

Oh, well, hopefully by morning it will be gone. The migraine is mostly gone, just the pain in my body is lingering. I feel successful today even though I ended up spending the late afternoon and evening in bed and struggling with pain.

Now with all of the things going on about addictions, overdoses, and with the Tylenol issues. I don't want to wreck my liver! Gosh, I even wonder what these past five years have done to my liver! I am doing everything I can to be as healthy as possible. The cleanses, the vitamins, the healthy eating, that I've tried to do for years. I just hope it is enough.

I know my mom was ready to let go. I sometimes feel as if it would be alright if I let go, when the pain has drug on so long, if that is Gods plan, for someone to go, I pray that instead of taking someone who has a better quality of life that I am the next to go. I don't want to do anything that would speed things up for me, but if there were a gun being pointed at a room full of people, and someone has to be shot, I would definately be stepping forward.

I don't want to be living in pain hell, but even harder is watching Jason's frustrations, with what he can and can't do to help me. All of the things that he can do he isn't comfortable doing, and all of the things he can't do he things he should be able to do. He is a fixer, a patch them up and get them on to the people who solve the problems. Problem is so far there hasn't seemed to be a solution.

The pain hurts! Yes it does, but the pain on top of the emotional damage I am seeing happen to Jason makes things less berable. He is a slave to his life. We try to continue to do things that have the possiblity of making this world a better place. Use the right light bulbs, don't water the yard, just the vegetables, help those around us as much as possible with what we can when we can, help abandon and abused dogs find a better life, give our extra stuff to others so they will have stuff too... gosh.

I don't really know what good it actually does in the long run. I saw this quote tonight on TV.

"People don't behave the way that you think they should behave, but that doesn't mean that the way they behave is wrong. " The Philanthropist. ( I might have not used all the words exact. I tried to.) I so believe this, that everyone is on their own path. I do judge others, but I really try not to. I may not like what someone does, but I am not on their path. Those that cause me harm on mine, I have chosen to cut out of my life. Now more than ever. I just don't need that extra stuff to deal with.

I just really found that statement profound. Especially for me in my life. Am I angry that I am in this situation? I am frustrated. I don't think I am angry. I am struggling, but I am still the same person as I was. I am still her trying to make a difference, I am just trying to find other ways to do it. As my Mary Kay may not be the main delivery method for me. At least while there are limited resourses for me to utalize. It doesn't mean I am wanting to give up, on it! I do still love it, and if I could be a director again that would be amazing! If I could be earning my free cars again, I would be thrilled, if I could be working in any state I wanted, WOW, and if I could be working with my Exchange Daughter and friends in Brazil again I would be on top of the world!

But if those things are never to be again, and I have to make another path, I just want it to be one that Jason doesn't have to struggle so much, and that the burden is lifted from his shoulders. Just because he's got broad shoulders doesn't mean that he should have to carry the entire load.

Today was a really good day! I think with all that goes through my mind, I am sure that others may feel I am disalusioned and miserable. We'll I am where I am. I am doing what I can. Which is all I can do. If at the end of the day I have done my best. Than I would call that day a success. One thing I know for sure is that each day is a Gift!

Thanks Shelby for being one of mine! Blessings on your Forever Home! You will have an amazing future to look forward to! You both will!

Blessings and Huggs!! from Luka and I

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

DoCuMeNtArY- LiFe. SuPpOrT. MuSiC.

At different points in your life there are times when you are angry, depressed, sad, numb, happy, gleeful, secure, at peace, and many many more emotional states. I wondered why I was up early today, having woken up at least by 4:30am after having went to bed about midnight. Ah well, I'll take a nap if I need too... I plan on getting my 8 hours of sleep but in some cases I can't seem to fall to sleep or I wake up way early.. it is the way it is. At least I'm not in major pain.

I had a worry that today would bring me many aching muscles. I gave all I had once again. In fact if I'd thought of it I would have taken a picture to post. It would have been pretty funny...
Day started out.. PT am, Lunch/CC: Hooters... (Jason's favorite wings are there, and he was having a trying morning, so I elected to go to Hooters for his personal well being. Feed him hot wings and it cures everything for him) I sat in on a conference call while there on Isagenix, that I wanted to listen to. (Luka fits under their tables perfect, and everyone there has been nothing but nice to us when we eat there!)

After lunch it was errands, I had a list, Dry Cleaners, of which I brought only 1/2 our stuff to be cleaned. I'd been saving it up for about a year... it costs alot to do that! I try and clean that stuff at home.. but some is of no avail and goes in the won't wear it til we get it done by the professionals pile. The $1.99 Cleaners just opened and we took things there. Thank God for that! Walgreens to get eye drops, my eye's have been makin me crazy! Bought 3 kinds, the kind of drops I had didn't work, I had puffy red swollen, matted, ichy, dry, burning horrible eyes. In and around... Thought #1 Allergies which I don't usually have. Thought #2 really bad dry eyes! I think I mentioned that Jason's Jeep is with out air, well with the windows down, sometimes the top all the way off etc... that's alot of wind! I already have dry eyes, a few years ago the eye Dr. shared I am no spring chicken and that's just what happens as we age... ( Ok, so he didn't use those exact words...).

I used one of the things last night, it seems to have done the trick! Tried droping some stuff off to be consigned but, I need to get that figured out better, so I match the right clothes with the right store. Good learning experience, Jason dropped some paperwork off for one of his part time gigs, and we got more dog food, which is a reoccuring experience. I was wiped! Therapy had done me in... but I thought I'll rest when I can and do what I can and just push through. I was just tired and achy very achy! Slowly but surely I did it, with Jason following me around most places. Thanks Jason, after Hooters, life for him was much better!

Arriving home, brought about a longer list of things needing done. I finished cleaning out the clothes in my wardrobe that didn't fit, that I'd been holding on to because I had nothing else, I thought at least I wouldn't have to appear some where naked this way, although as I found out, even while wearing clothes, if they don't fit, you may as well have been, thank goodness for the investment in bra's and undies early on that stay put is all I have to say!

Now if you see me looking a bit teenagerish, well, that's what was at the Goodwill that fit and I liked! The old lady stuff just doesn't make me happy, so it is staying at the Goodwill! Of course I'd like to build up age appropriate attire, but I am not exactly sure what that is at this point in my life...

Closet sorted, while Jason napped. I don't do much quick but I can do things slowly! This was about the 5th time going through my clothes. I think for the most part I am done with that. Shoes is next. I have hardly worn anything besides flip flops, slippers, and sneakers for the past 5 years, I looked at my shoes some of which I have had since before I got married... and have yellow soles, and cracking leather,,,, I need to get rid of them, they are junking up my space!

I had been asking for help washing the dogs for weeks, but Jason never seemed to get the hint, I think he must really hate washing them or think it doesn't matter. Well, they really don't get that dirty, but they shed everywhere, and Luka has a very thick coat for a doberman, and he's way to HOT! The last time I gave them a bath I was in bed for 3 days from the pain. I was so not looking forward to this! I put my swim suit on and headed out to get them cleaned up. I like giving them baths, it is just hard for me and it does hurt, not necessarily bad unless I'd twist funny.. which I am always careful not to do.. I now sit on coolers I have two sizes one that is taller for like 1 meal, and the other which is smaller and shorter, that holds about 5 water bottles. The shorter one works better, and when I fall off, which does happen, it is closer to the ground.

I had gotten this long handled garden sprayer this year, and thought I'd try that and see how it worked as there are several settings for the water, kinda like those fancy hotel shower heads. THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT THING! It worked awesome despite being awkward because for dog bathing the handle is way to long, it saved me so much work! Now granted I was still quite sore afterward, but slowly but surely does the trick. I am sure before, seeing as how for a very short time in my life I got paid to be a very bad dog groomer. But I was always good at giving baths. No one should EVER let me cut their hair! NOT EVER! I am not good at it!

Shelby and Luka made it through the bath and are squeeky clean! Ozzie on the other hand, slept through the entire adventure while on the basement couch. Jason had a fire call in the middle of my bathing, so that made an interesting afternoon for him as well, he was busy fixing a few things around the house. We fix one thing and something else breaks, or needs fixed because of being old... Ahhhhhhh the joys! What ever we have the money for is always next on the list at this point, but I think many people are like that.

Dad's car's transmission is on its way out, we were hoping that would help us out on our next trip, but don't want to take it that far away, it is getting really scarry. I plan on only using it in town. It almost makes me sick to call him and tell him, since he has fixed one thing after another on it. Talk about a money pit. It is going to be a new car soon. Can't say a whole lot our Jeep seems to be in the same boat. GRRR...

Dogs clean, on to the vegetables, I've got all these little plants I grew from seeds sitting out back, I keep not planting them because I hurt and don't want to feel worse. I thought, well, I've done everything I can today, I might as well keep going, slowly but surely. My muscles burning and aching, make each move of the day quite painful. But I've got a goal in my mind that is for sure! Thinking of each of these activities as therapy excersizes also helps. As I am getting stronger, and stronger FINALLY!

I sat outside for a bit while Jason watered all of my pots for me, and had a wine cooler. I don't have them often, but it sounded good after Jason had had a beer. And he'd gotten them for me and my friend the other night, we each had one. Off to the shower. Jason laughed at me, as I am still in my swim suit, only now I've been soaked by water, covered in dog hair, and I have dirt everywhere from potting plants! He often asks me, " What happened to that tough farm girl I married?" I usually don't have the best response. I wish I had a picture of that! I'd carry it around and show him that when he asks. I don't mind hard work, and I don't mind gettting dirty doing it. Except of course when I am all dressed up!

So this morning and the main reason I wanted to blog right now, is that while fliping around on the television while drinking my shake for breakfast, I ended up at PBS. I just LOVE PBS! There was a show already in progress, that just started speaking to me. I have also tried to include the link at the title, but I am going to have to do some fiddling around to get all of this to work right. I will soon..

Life. Support. Music about Jason Crigler's journey through a near fatal brain hemorrhage, told by friend and filmmaker Eric Danial Metzgar. I ended up catching about the last 1/2 of the film. While I didn't have this same thing happen to me, so many of the things he went through, corralate with my journey. I think the begining of his journey is dissimilar, as they never even kept me in the hospital at all after my accident. I remember all of the days and nights where my body would shake uncontrollably, I remember because it drove Jason nuts. It did me too, but he hated it. I think wives are better than husbands at snuggling up. (if you watch the movie you'll understand.) So many times I wished there'd been more support for Jason. Like the film showed, I was able to give that to my mom while she died of pancreatic cancer, I didn't do a great job of it when she went through breast cancer. I did up until the day of my accident, do a great job of taking care of my Grandmother as well. (I am really mad at my accident for taking me away from my Grandmother. I would clip her toe nails, paint them, rub her feet, rub her legs, rub her hands and paint her finger nails. Wash her dentures, not just put them in a dish of cleaner, but scrub them ( I really hated doing that, it grossed me out to be honest. But no one else did this for her or the other things that I did that I knew of. ) I would also give her a head massage, and fluff her hair. Another cousin of mine paid for her to go to the salon so she'd be all clean and nice. I'd bring my computer in occasionally to share family pictures with her as well.

I was there to see her once a week to every two weeks. I'd stick around for an hour or two, what ever I had time for or she could handle. I wanted her to feel special, and truth be told, she was at the nursing home with other ladies who'd always put her down as she'd been poor and unconventional there may have been other reasons as well, I don't know. She'd only mentioned it once to me in her entire life. Even if she hadn't it was evident. I used to visit her at home and at the senior center before she was in the nursing home. I always made sure to look better than anyone else when I came to visit her in public places. Sounds silly I know, but I wanted everyone there to know that she was someone special and important! She was to me!

I don't know how many other grandkids did that for their grandparents, I am sure there are some, but she'd always been there for me and my sisters, and I wanted to make sure to be there for her. I was so upset still am I guess, for not being able to go see her after the accident. I just couldn't handle the 3 hour drive each way. I wouldn't have been able to do those things for her anyway, but I could still show up.

Oh, I tried for a while, but the longer it went after the accident the worse it got, the more pain came the more I did the worse I got, trying to keep my business's so I could continue to bring money in became the goal, as well as getting better.

Watching the show this morning, I really envied the support he had. However, God had prepared me for this. I always thought that the skills that I had gained from my 17 years in Mary Kay were so that I could pass them on to others, and use them to benefit others. Truth be told, it wasn't until reciently that I have noticed, that even though there wasn't any family support available, or fundraisers or things.. that my Mary Kay gave me the skills of staying happy when things look horrible, putting a happy face on everything no matter how bleak. The saying never let'em see you sweat, was something that to me and to Jason as well, meant that we just smile and get through it.

I think that is good, but on the other hand, and the main reason I started this blog was to share what we/I am really going through. People would look at us like we were making this up, because I look perfect. I sound perfect for the most part. It's only when you are really around me for a while that you will notice. I try really hard for that. I remember making the decision to make sure my mouth was closed, as it would hang open at times as well. I know for months/years I was in so much pain, and having so many back to back to back to back migraines, that would last days have a break for a day or two and start over again. I couldn't feel most of my body. I could move it but I couldn't feel the pain in it. My body would block it, stuff that I knew should hurt didn't. I remember many Dr's poking me with pointy objects all over my body, inserting needles etc. and there was no pain.

I am now having to relearn how to move my body in ways that won't cause me more pain and further injury. Jason doesn't even completely understand, I just can't explain it... Geesh enough about this stuff. I don't remember many days/years because of the medication, on the other hand so many things are stuck in my head like it was yesterday.

I cried while watching the documentary today. The Jason in the documentary must have been such an extrordinary person for people to come together like this around him. My heart breaks as theirs does for the people who don't have the family, friends, and resourses to handle something like this. Who are in nursing homes, in a horrible state. It hits home for me so much, because after I had been doing better, Jason shared with me that he thought he was going to have to put me in a nursing home. In addition to Jason, there have been so many people of note so far that have helped so much. Our exchange student Fernanda, who we had already commited to hosting, who we would never have had we known the reality of my situation. ( as it wasn't as fun of an experience for her had I been healthy), Rebecca who was in my unit and who stepped up to help me to work in my office, Linda a friend who came in and helped with my business (she came at a time when I thought no one cared, that in itself helped so much), Gwen who's always on the look out for things that might help me, Ruth who does the same, Karen my MK Director friend who drove me to many events, my dad who's shared his car with us, a church group in Kansas which my cousin belongs to that sent a prayer quilt just at the right time,
Jen and Brent our forever friends who are the biggest blessings in so many ways, my friend Barb who hooks me up with unusual things, my sister Kyla who went grocery shopping and surprised us with groceries when we could really use them. MaryBelle who always has a fun diversion for us, and my neighbors, who are really great! There are more people as well, some I've mentioned other times, and other's I've never mentioned. I am so grateful! I've got it so good!

I would wish that no one would ever suffer from anything. But as we all suffer from or with something, that there are caring giving people who would always be there for those going through the worst times in their lives.

The documentary really reminded me also of when my mom was going through hospice care at our house in 2001. Our house was alive with love for months! We were full of people in and out, helping visiting all of them caring and sharing! What a blessing it was to know that type of love.

So we've got some great things coming up! After my activities yesterday, I am no worse for them! YEA! So, I've got a list of more things I need to get busy with. As this has taken far to long for me to write. Someday I will just write a few words! I want to be able to take those cool pictures, and post them. And continually talk about exciting and fun things going on in my life.

I am so glad that documentary was made and that he is doing so incredibly well, and while doing so well he is also giving back. What a gift! Thanks for giving it!

Things are moving forward, and I can't wait for tomorrow, what ever it holds! I am blessed!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

StAr LiGhT sTaR bRiGht...

Wish I may Wish I might have the wish I wish tonight. Life is funny you know. One minute you are headed one direction, the next minute you've been taken hostage blindsided and end up twisted up, turned around and sideways.

The next minute you've been dusted off, wiped up, and your piece has been added back to the game board.

As a kid I would always love playing Monopoly I have several old versions of the game, although I haven't played in what seems forever. I loved buying properties, I liked building hotels and houses and collecting the money. I know that probably makes me some warped child.. I would play the game with the goal of getting both Boardwalk and Park Place. I think that is how many people play the game. I of course like those, but I am also happy with many of the others as well, owning them doesn't insure you of anything.

Just like life. You may see people who's lives look like they've got it all, when in reality, their world is nothing but a shell. Not always, as books have many covers, but to assume that life is better on someone elses journey than it is on yours is one of the biggest deceptions. Each of us are on the path that we were meant to travel. I don't know why, I feel like that I just do. We've got choices to make that impact ourselves and others. Consequenses to face both good and bad.

When I was a child I had a glorious existance. Other's might not have thought so as I thought I lived on Park Place. I never felt bad about growing up in a trailor for much of my life. Some of my favorite toys outside were the old rusty iron pieces from cars and implements, that were piled up to some day take to the scrap yard. The beautiful shell of a barn that held unique boards, tools, and other misc items was like a play house. I remember one of my favorite times when I was really small was making mud bowls under a tree. I also collected rocks and then sold them door to door, I still amazed that people gave me money for them. I think that is one of the first times I knew I loved to share things I loved with people, and in doing so I would be rewarded. I probably got a whole dollar or something.

In high school, I sold magazines, and fruit to raise money for my Future Farmers of America group. I sold alot of magazines! I went door to door then too. I know, I must have been pretty annoying! But I was excited, I was motivated, each day I had spare time after school I chose to go out and sell magazines in town. Most of the people I sold them to I had never seen before. I planned my route, and wore my FFA Jacket and told people about all of the cool magazines they could get and why I was so excited. I ended up winning lots of great prizes over the years. I wasn't nearly as excited about the fruit, only selling a box or two of that. The fruit was good and all but I was more excited about the magazines.

Being the only girl in my class, and not being from a prominant family at all, I was very proud of my sales accomplishments as I would many times have sold more than most everyone else. I learned later that many had parents who'd sit at coffee shops and show off the magazines to friends for their kids, or take them to work with them... I wish I'd thought of that! I could have sold so many more with a combined effort... Not only would I have gotten cooler prizes, more people gotten the magazines they would probably have bought in line at the supermarket and paid full price, but my FFA group would have had a larger operating budget.

I guess it is now wonder that I excelled in selling lipstick! Hee Hee! Since I love lipstick more than magazines... I didn't even go door to door! My friends love it too! Everything just bloomed and grew! I am still enjoying that! Although I do it on a more limited scale these days, but I am thankful that I still have the opportunity to help others get what they want.

I think that is also why I am having fun sharing about the changes with my life that were brought about by starting a better nutrition and cleansing program. I'd been pretty upset, being told that Vocational Rehabilitation wouldn't even open a case with me. Told me I had too many things wrong, told me to work from home in a mail stuffing scam... the lady even sent me the paper. Geesh!

While I certainly didn't start using the Isagenix Nutrition and Cleanse to share with others. I didn't keep track of much, the Dr.s office did. Which is pretty cool, I didn't even own a scale until reciently. Wow! I still need to get some more tests done to make sure I am meeting my health goals. But my physical body is undergoing some crazy changes. I am looking more toned and healthy each month! I can't help but share, but this is the craziest thing, everyone who's been watching my transformation is excited too! It has almost been a year since I started using the shakes and stuff!

In addition I am also working to start another idea shared by my sister. I am preping things so that I can sell them too, on my time. I don't know if any of these things will lead to something that I can actually make enough money to impact our financial needs. Besides the maintenence on our home and vehicles which we are sorely behind on I am now going to be working on saving money for my next service dog.

I got so lucky with Luka, as he was given to me essentially with only minimal costs... he's allowed me so much more freedom than I was able to have before he came along. I feel much safer going out and doing things, he gives me a great deal of comfort around the house as well. While he doesn't catch every migraine, he catches many, and by doing so has freed me up to actually get up and out more. He's a steady force for me to use when I don't feel well at all, and I can be assured that once on the floor, I can get myself back up using him as leverage. He loves doing these things! But he is also loving to sleep more and more as he is pretty old for this job.

My next service dog I need to save minimum of $2,100.oo just to get the dog. This amount isn't nearly what one would cost if I would have to pay for all of the training and more. It is tens of thouands in some cases. While I don't know how I am going to make what I need happen, I am going to give it my best shot. One step at a time, keeping us afloat first and then squrling away what we can for our plan. All things will come to pass, I just need to work like it is all up to me and pray as if it is all up to God! I can do that! I am not speedy especially now, but I don't give up easy!

I have to admit I am very nervous since we've not been able to even save enough for a deck so we have steps out the front of our house, or to get me a car of my own, or fix the things we have so we could sell them to help pay for other things... I do have faith, I also have a great deal of determination. I have the memories of my past endeavors, and while embarking on something new is always scarry for me, I truly believe anything is possible. It might take a while, but I am worth working for, and so is Jason's peace of mind knowing that I am not stuck somewhere on my own.

Who knows maybe someday I can buy land and build homes, or help people in other ways. I am sure first in line to admit I don't know what tomorrow holds. I am not going to stop dreaming!

Star light, Star bright... the wish I have is to work tonight!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

SeCoNd tHiRd FoUrTh & FiFtH oF jUlY!

The days these days somehow seem to just all run together. I realize that each day does hold some distinction, but when I sit to recall, it is so much easier to not apply a date and time to a past activitiy.

Yesterday for me is sticking in my mind rather easily though today. I got up in the morning to let the dogs out, Jason had already left for work. There are always things needing to be done around here. Yesterday was no exception. I have had a list mounting as lists do. I had been hurting for a few days, Thurs, Fri, Sat... when waking up to let the dogs out, I could hardly move yet again... I was so not happy. I wasn't having migraines, I was just having the neck shoulder and arm pain, it did radiate to my head but mostly just to my ear and jaw. I'd been icing with ice bags all night and during the day as I could as well.

Friday night, I refused to stay home, after getting a massage, waiting in the car for Jason to get his hair cut, driving through Runza to grab some food, I was famished! I ate a whole value meal. I hadn't done that in a long while.. ok I didn't eat it ALL but most of it. We arrived home in time for me to rest up, we had supper plans with friends that night, I had only been taking one darvocet every six to eight hours or so. Now being fearful of destroying my liver... It helped a little, but I certainly wasn't able to function. I was just walking around, or riding in the car as if I were on egg shells. I knew as long as I didn't get worse that I could make it to supper.

I might not be the most exciting person to have over, but I would be able to sit somewhere and not move much, but have some type of conversation. I really look forward to the changes of scenery. As well as spending time with old or new friends. Our old friends, Wendy and Kelvin are the best! They are both super sweet, and Jason and I really enjoy spending some time with them. We don't see them to often, but when we do Jason and I like getting caught up on their lives. They are such giving and talented people, Friday night was no exception. They were able to help with an alumni project I am working on as well. YEA!

It was so much fun to conjur up old memories working on that project. I was even able to help by writing some names down. My lawn chair is begining to go everywhere I go. It is one of the few places that I can sit in for any length of time. I am looking for another one of these chairs, but have found that no one is carrying that model or even something similar. And the few times I have actually seen one, there hasn't been any money, or enough to get more. I just pray that this chair doesn't break... the others all have..

For the last part of the night I was actually laying down flat on my back with my legs up bent up to my chest. I know that seems like the most uncomfortable position for most people, but this is one of the ways I can lay that takes the pressure off of most of my hurting joints. I usually don't do this in front of others. It isn't the most proper way to behave, in fact it is probably one of the least proper ways to spend time with others. Thank goodness we've got understanding friends.

They were able to come to a stopping point in our project and Jason insisted we go. That was all on the third ao July. Waking up on the fourth to let the dogs out, my ice was warm, Jason had even refreshed it when he left in the morning, I decided I would just do what I had to do, go to the bathroom, grab my shake, and the dogs were taken care of. I grabed more ice packs, and headed back to bed. the dobermans curled up on bed with me Luka on one side, and our foster dog Shelby on the other. Luka just laid there completely in line with me, with his head on my tummy for hours. I slept, woke slept woke, slept woke... I had turned the television on to a PBS station Create, keeping the volume low gave my mind something to do so I wouldn't have to have random thoughts going through my mind. About 1pm I was finally able to get up. The pain mostly had left now. I fiddled around a while, grabbed some cheese and kiwi to eat. We really need to get some groceries. I hope we will be able to this week.

I was craving crackers too, but those have been gone for a while now. It's not that there isn't food in the house, there certainly is. I am just out of some of our favorites, and some staples... The other day, Wednesday, after my great Physical Therapy session, I was able to drive myself to Goodwill to do some clothes shopping.

I had had a great Physical Therapy Session! Woo HOO! My therapist Kristi shared that this was the best I had ever been able to do! That I actually did all that she had planned, and that it was the first session I had ever really been able to complete! I was so excited! It felt so good! Each session 2-3x per week I've been going since Feb or March I think and this was the first week that I did every element on her plan for the day. More than that, I did each of them enough times, and for as long as she had in her plan! YEA!

I know that I've been improving, I could tell. While I struggle with things each day, I haven't fallen in a long time. I most of the time don't feel as if my legs are going to buckle out from underneath me. Not that I am the most steady person, but it is a big relief to stand and feel that my legs will not fail. My goal is to get back to wearing heels, my dream would be that I could once again wear my platform heels!

I had been wearing heels since eighth grade. I love them! I love pretty pretty shoes. I know that sounds vain and wierd. I don't know why I love shoes, heels in particular. I just do, I always have! My back ground in ballet, made wearing them a breeze, I'd always been able to wear higher heels than most everyone else, while I never wore 3 1/2 inch or higher much I could, 2 1/2 to 3 inch were the most comfortable for me. The low ones 1/2 to 1 inch were not comfortable at all. I don't know why. Now anything with a heel makes me nervous, I will try them on every once in a while, I have loaned most of them out, as it makes me unhappy to see my beautiful shoes collecting dust.

There are much more important issues in therapy than wearing heels, I know that is something that really isn't important at all. It is just something that is important to me. I have pretty much given it up, but I still in the back of my mind hold out hope. Hope is something that keeps me going when everything else goes down the tubes.

Jason was at work that day, something else that I've been able to do lately is drive myself around a little bit. I've been going to therapy and home. If I am up to it after PT I will stop and get a gelatto! I've discovered that even though I am lactose intolerant that I can have gellato! At least the fruit based ones at the place I go! YEA! My favorites are pomegranet/blueberry, green machine, and watermellon! MMMMMMMmmmMMM! I never thought I'd be able to go somewhere and get an ice cream cone again! It is so great! No place carries soy ice cream to eat in a cone, and when Jason or other friends would go to get ice cream I'd just get a water. I don't dring soda either. (maybe once a year or so if that) I haven't drank soda for almost 10 years, and for my milk issues about 8 years or so I suppose.

On Thursday I did stop and get a cone! Luka and I make a great team, I wish I could share my gelato with him... maybe after he's retired... When Jason drives me, he even likes to stop and have a cone with me! That is so great! Thursday's lunch was a gelato cone, and then I was off to Goodwill. I drove around and around trying to find the Goodwill. I wish I had an easier time of remembering where things are. If I would go there before my accident, I know where everything is. But if it is a place I have just reciently started going, or something they have built since... geesh! I put a call in to Jason to ask for some help. It turns out I'd been driving past my turn at least 3 times already. He clarified things for me and I made it there!

I am so thankful that prior to my accident I was a very experienced driver. That's pretty much all that I did, drive here and drive there. The car was one place I felt safe, and I would drop myself off at friends and families doors, and work or hang! So the driving part comes easily to me. I am now ultra parinoid though. I watch everyone! I've been told that I drive to cautiously. I am working on that. But when you relive the guy pulling out in front of you over and over again each time someone pulls up to a corner on my right, I really feel the need to make sure they don't pull out infront of me. I am looking at them to make sure that they actually look and see me! That is so scarry! I don't like driving now. I like the freedom of it, but the actual act of it isn't fun, enjoyable or something that feels safe at all. Not that driving was a barrel of monkeys for me before, but it was something I did that I enjoyed. Especially long trips in the car, wow, I would always feel refreshed mentally after them. That doesn't happen anymore.

At least it is a way for me to actually leave my house and the tiny little town that we live in. Having finally made it to Goodwill, Luka and I were off on a clothes hunting adventure. I know now after having gone to a few stores to try on clothes what size I am now. Of course every brand is different, and for that matter so is every style. I begin putting everything in my cart that looks cute that I think might fit. I filled my cart and went to the check out line. I just bought it all. You can return it at this store with in 7 days if you don't want it. My arms hurt when I would grab some of the clothes off the rack and lift them to my cart. I just reminded myself that it was good therapy! Luka would park himself by my cart and I would just go through the racks of clothes. I love Goodwill, everything that is the same size or close to is in the same area, you don't have to go from rack to rack to rack, searching for a style, and then search for a size.

At good will the size is in one area and I can just search for a style! My life made much easier. I am constantly amazed at the nice clothes people choose to donate. Growing up in a farming area the thrift stores, mostly just had junky raggy stuff. Not that the stuff at Goodwill is perfect. Some things have holes, some have stains, some have buttons missing, but most are good and most are nice. Even some designer type brands. Being a shoe fiend, I am also a lover of beautiful clothes and nice fabrics. My mom taught me that. She was a home economist. She sewed, and she taught me to sew. I never was good at it, or for that matter enjoyed it much.

Mom was a perfectionist. I am not. I suppose that is quite apparent from my unedited posts here on this blog. I now like to sew, my way, not moms!

I really don't worry about most of the things I find there at Goodwill, I can repair most of them easily, I could even change the style of them to some degree I think if it would be called for. I have taken my swim suits that I wore at a larger size and taken them in. I am also doing that for my undies... as wierd as that seems to me, but I would rather use what I have than take more money out of our budget for those things. I am not getting undies at Goodwill! YUCK! I haven't figured out to take my bra's in, I hope I do because those things are expensive!

My cart being full, I ended up with four bags of clothes. I got each one of them to the car. That is an exhausting process... Deb a former employee of one of my Doctors was in line behind me. It was nice to see her. We took a minute or two to get caught up. It is kinda wierd, my new friends are becoming my medical professionals. As that is who I see most often. What a wierd life.

My main problem with shopping is trying the clothes on to find out the size, by the time I've picked them out and tried them on, I can hardly move. Not to mention drive myself home. But my new system of grabbing and going works well. With Goodwill, I can actually afford, that term being relative, to buy extra and then take back what I didn't want. I don't know that I could actually afford to get clothes, but I've been struggling to find things that fit at home. I've been trying to wear some of my clothes from before, but that usually results in me looking sloppy or having my bra or something else show from things slipping around.

I know, I am glad to have the problem. I did my BMI body mass index score the other day. I am now in the normal range for my height. Before I was in the Obesse section. So I am glad for my health that I am doing better for my longevity. I am just frustrated. It should be a package deal, loose alot of weight, and your insurance should buy you a new wardrobe! That would be a good trade off I would think! Hee Hee!!

So yesterday after I woke up, after I piddled around and ate my cheese and kiwi, after I let the dogs out again, I began trying some of the clothes on. When I got home from Goodwill, I knew I was tired, so I sat in bed in my usual position. I then began to have increasing amounts of pain... and the fun began... Thur Fri Sat.. That sucks! The rain came and went, and still I was miserable... Saturday afternoon was a welcome relief. Still achy, but not immobilized by the pain, I could get back to functioning. I tried the clothes on in sections, resting in between. Layed them in different piles for later evaluation.

I now have clothes, I washed them, and am washing them,,, I have even repaired some of them. Thank goodness I did some streightening up of my sewing/craft/Mary Kay room the other day!

I thought I might wear them today, but I am in a pair of cutoffs and an old shirt. Seemed suitable for today, as it is Sunday and we have no plans to go anywhere. I woke up feeling pretty good today! I had been up and going til about 3 am last night, the house had become a disaster after feeling so icky starting on Thursday, things just pile up.

You would think things wouldn't being there is only two of us who live there... Mostly it is my fault things get all messed up. When I am in pain, I do the least amount possible, that means, leave dirty dishes around, don't sweep or mop, no laundry, stuff left out on the counters, boxes not folded up mail strewn about... not cute!

So last night while I was feeling well, I just got things back to tolerable, not clean but tolerable. I still need to clean. But I've learned that when I feel well enough I need to do all that I can, because the next minute things could change for me. Feeling well enough this morning, I had my usuall shake as I do most everyday, dogs out, bathroom, clothes... Jason and I chatted for a while in the living room, I had been a little bummed out yesterday.

In addition to trying on my clothes, the day seemed horribly uneventful! Not complaining, but it was noticable this holiday. As I can hear everyone else having fun as the fireworks go off. Christmas isn't nearly as bad, you don't see or hear anything. But this holiday hit, and so did the loneliness. I did finally have a conversation with another human being about 10pm. Jason finally called. I knew he would be busy at work as this holiday is one that he does alot of community service work.

I could have called someone, but really didn't feel like listening to their celebration, or feeling like I was inturrupting the events that they were taking part in. That is something that sucks. The good thing, is I have another regular type day to get the list of things done that I have to do. Staying busy really helped that once I got going.

Truth be told, I am quite good at being on my own. For as much as I am a people person, I do like myself, I don't mind being with myself. It does get old some days. I'd love for each day to be surrounded by people like it used to be. Then I could choose what days I wanted to be by myself, I acutally used to look forward to holidays for that very reason. Jason usually works on holidays, so I would just use the day to get my thoughts together, and get caught up. It worked well.

Today, after we talked in the living room, Jason needed to keep working on his projects in the garage so we moved outside. I plucked some weeds from my planters, and then planted some new plants in them. I am frustrated as crab grass somehow got in my planters! All of the soil came from bags! GRRRRRRRRRR!!!! Crappy dirt... digging crab grass even a little of it sucks! That stuff is gnarley. 6 planters of pulling a plant or two out, and adding a plant or two, and I wasn't able to move again. The pain had started coming back.. Which stinks because I've got weeds growing everywhere, and lots of little vegetables to plant yet.

Jason noticed me and kicked me back inside.. not literally of course. So I am now in bed, having taken yet another darvocet, typing away, as my hands hadn't been hurting... now after typing for a while as I have written yet another novel, that is another story.

So I am ending this post. Luka is at my feet, I am in bed propped up by my pillows, and Jason is in the garage doing something... he menntioned lunch, but never got any further than that. I don't know if we will eat anything or not... Oh well. here I sit. Mabey in a bit I will move to my outdoor chair outside in the sun since I see that it has finally come out.

Looking forward to more good days! At least I'm not having a migraine! YEA! There are blessings! I am so happy about that!

And I think there are some fun things that should be happening this week... I think it is this week! Hmmmmmm.....

Thursday, July 2, 2009

LiFe iS GoOd!

Each day I find so many things to be thankful for! I've got great friends! I love having friends, I am always trying to make new ones as well! They keep my life interesting. While I am not the best friend myself, I know. I am grateful for the amazing friends that I have.

The weather is so much better for me in the summer than anyother time of the year! I am so so thankful that summer is here! I would really like to live where it is summer for the whole year! Green is wonderful, hot, humid, whatever it brings, my body adjusts to everything so much better, I am so thankful that there is this season for me!

I am thankful for a husband who while he feels completely helpless to help me feel better, would rearrange our bedroom for me. I had been talking to him lately about things that are going on with my body... the possible surgery for my neck that may help for a while, but from what I've researched online if the surgeon agreed that I was a good candidate, and I got the surgery, I may with my hypermobility be in line for the same pain shortly down the road, just from other areas of my cervical spine... my tummy that's been feeling funny, my medication intake and how I could find something different that didn't contain Acetaminophen... Since that has been on the news really reciently.. I've been taking FAR FAR FAR to much between Excedrine and Darvocet! .. Gosh, it really freaks me out, my tummy's been bugging me for a while now, but I don't know who to talk to about it... My pain Dr.. doesn't really focus on that, my PA, well, I guess that's where I will go, she's awesome!

However, I always seem to see her and shock her with what my body is doing. The last time I saw her she pulled down on my hand because I thought I had pulled a muscle, infact when she pulled down on my hand, my entire lower part of my arm, dropped as she pulled.. I had broken my arm completely in two.. and I'd been using it for at least 2 weeks... geesh.... Yeah, not really lookin forward to going back there after that... The look on her face... wow she was freaked!

Oh, well.. I guess I will be calling to get an appointment.. ok so I just did that! Next week I will go... grrrr.... I hate going to the Dr... No offense to my medical professional friends who are reading this! Seriously, as I am thankful for each of you and what you all do as well.

Ok and I made an appointment with my pain doc as well... in addition to changing my meds. Which I hope he can do. I wanted to talk with him about something called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. A friend of mine who's been paying attention to what's been going on with me, has been doing some research. She found this, through a friend. Asked me to look it up online, it has caused me to wonder about this as well. Not that it would change anything for me. I am already doing most of the things recomended... but it may help others that I know, so I thought it better for me to ask about it.

So back to my awesome hubby, who when I was talking about my "issues/concerns" seemed to zone out and mentally retreat from my words. These things, and talking about these things between he and I seem to just make him feel horribly helpless. And for a guy who is a "fixer" helpless is not a good thing. I need to talk about them with him I feel so he know's what's going on, I certainly don't expect him to "FIX" anything.

I pray that God will fix everything! As there are so many parts on my body that have issues, that I think only God could. But I focus on the saying,,, pray like it is all up to God, and work like it is all up to me! And that is all I can do.

Jason does it all anyway, he drives me where ever I need to go, and he does what ever I can't do that needs done, most of the time he is even cheery about it. That is a big improvement. Our bedroom looks great! I love it! I needed a change! I have always felt the need to have things rearanged in my living environment.

Acutally even when choosing what I would focus on in college the main consideration for me was what could I do that wouldn't require me to do the same thing day after day and year after year? I guess you could say I like the creative aspect of life.

He came in last night I had been on the computer all afternoon, I really haven't had much energy lately, I believe that is due to the fact I haven't been able to sleep much, waking up at 3 or 4 am.... no naps or anything and going to bed around 11pm.. I am an eight hour a night girl... so... last night was the first night I could think of where I wasn't laying there starring off into space, rolling this way or that trying to get comfortable, or finally just giving up and doing something in order to fall back to sleep.

He came in and said, So you want to rearrange the room? In his big gruff voice. I wondered, what did I do to cause this.. Well, what I have already mentioned was the reason, I found out later. With Jason when he's willing and ready to do something that I want done, I adjust! I am not in a possition to be picky or demanding. I have no other choices. I can't move the things in our room safely.

He did great! He did it the way I had in mind! There is usually a why do you want to put that there, or another complaint about my interesting arangement ideas.. But I figured out later as well that this was his gift to me. Do do our room the way I wanted. I really do like it, he has yet to comment... but he also know's it wont' be this way for ever.. so if he doesn't like it, he also knows he has the muscles to change it.. Hee Hee...

So, while I really do work hard to not mention all of the things that are bugging me with my health, my lack of a career, etc... As I know that this unhappiness with my life bothers him because there is nothing he feels he can do to make it better. I think it is good for me as well to focus on what I can do instead of what I can't! So that's where I try to keep my mind.

Speaking of that, more and more people have been asking me about my cleansing and nutrition program. So that's been fun! I am also going to start something here at my house as well. I got the idea from my sister, who has friends who do the same thing. I am going to use their idea and see if I can actually earn some money! Gosh that would help, as I'd really like to pay for the air conditioning system that Jason needs in his Jeep. We are scared to find out the actual cost.

So, I am constantly looking online now. As it is one of the things I can do to keep my brain busy when my body is hurting. Takes my mind off of the pain and I am learning or doing something at the same time. I would be working on an alumni project right now if my neck weren't acting up. In order to work on that I have to sit up better, and compare paper to computer and write stuff like that. And that stuff at the moment will only make me feel worse.

One thing that I just found right now I am excited about is:: Sorry, I haven't taken the time to learn how to make the link pretty.

I am on the look out for things that I can do to feel better! ALWAYS! I am even going to start meditating. As recomended by Rosie, a lady I met at THE CLAY POT an Indian Fusion Resturaunt in Iowa City, Iowa! Their food is awesome! You've just got to go!

Accupuncture was one of those things that made me feel better. But I was strongly discouraged by the other guy's insurance representative to not follow that course of treatment. GRRR. And since I can't afford it anyway, I have just blocked that from my mind. But for the time while I was doing it I was getting some relief. I had even been getting accupuncutre before the accident. It stabled out my monthly friend, and gave me a better since of wellness and well being. I had been one of the people practiced on in my state before it was actually alowed to be charged for as a practice. I liked it then, and I really am wishing I could still go. But my own health insurance won't cover it, and there isn't an acupuncturist that I've found who wants to wait for a settlement, especially now since it has been almost 5 years in coming, and is still not even close to being settled. Yet another wonderful frustration.

Gosh, that is not a conversation we have at our house either... We just focus on the positive stuff or the things that we actually have control over. I don't know, I feel as if I have once again been rambling about nothing. I think the pain is worse, and I need to figure out what I need to do... I don't know if I can make it with out taking some meds.... I was sure hoping to sit here propped up in my bed by pillows and relax enough to have that happen. Not wanting to acutally go to sleep since my sleep patterns are seriously disturbed lately.. I've got to figure out another relaxing distraction.

I am thankful for this blog, a place to write and vent, as well as form some sort of informational area for friends to figure out what's going on with me... gosh, not that I expect anyone to read my lengthy posts... How can one person write so much about such a mundane life...??

Tchau for now! Beijo's!