Wednesday, July 15, 2009

bLeSsiNgs & HugGS!!

Pretty good day today, not all bad. As soon as I say or think things are better in the summer than the other seasons... BAM.. but I do enjoy the summers more, the sun does make me feel better. Most of the time I think it really is better, it could of course be completely in my imagination. If it is I would really like to keep it that way.

Otherwise there is no reason to look forward to any time of the year. I told a new friend today that I just deal with things one day at a time. He receintly survived lung cancer. OMG now that takes real courage I think. Knowing my mom survived breast cancer, and watching her up close and personal go through pancreatic cancer. All I have to say is WOW!

My mother told me, even if I could get better, I don't have the strength to get better. The fight to live was so hard on her, that it got to the point that she was ready to go. She knew for all of the pain that she was in with it, to recover from it would be even more difficult. Looking at her and watching her, I would never wish that on anyone. The pain was so great, the loss of body muscle, mass and changes to her were so profound. I could never have asked her to fight through it. I can't even imagine.

And for my new friend I am just elated, for all that he went through, he is on his way back. he fought the fight and is now celebrating on the other side. He is getting his body, mind, and spirit back in shape, and I got to be a part of it today. I am thrilled this made my day!

Waking up today I knew I was in for a busy day. I just hoped it would all shake out properly. I needed to get the house ship shape. We just got back from our regular monthly trip. I was able to go out with friends, have a good afternoon sewing even though I was hurting a bit. I kept that to myself, maybe shouldn't have gone out, but to me it was worth it. I know Jason would just rather I stay home and rest. But I had been resting.. Grrr. I am sick of resting. I want to do things! The weather was in charge of this one, so I was going to get it either way, stay home, or go out with friends. I chose GO OUT! WOO HOO! Two nights, one was after an adventure race, I rested all morning that day, went out for a bit to watch in the afternoon, and then rested more after that before people came over. Then the next night I was able to go to dinner and the movies. I was hurting some that night, the other night went really well! Yea! But after that the whole next day was worthless. Through the night the weather showed up and I was good to go the next day. A little groggy, I was able to pack my stuff up so Jason could haul it all out. He had wanted to leave the night before, but I could hardly move so we had to wait.

We could have done it, but I would have had to suffer quite alot, between riding in the bumpy Jeep, and the air conditioning still not working. Thank God, that the following day I was better. I am so happy for that. Otherwise, he may have just left me and the boys there I suppose while he went home back on his shift. I even sold a bit of MK! Yea!

We'll I was able to get the house all spiffed up after the trip. I was really hoping I would. It wasn't bad at home, just lots of bags and stuff that needed unloaded. We'd done quite alot after we got home. But there is always more. I don't ever care if things are perfect, but I do care that I did my best to do what I could. I will always be happy with that. Especially nowdays.

By the time my new friend arrived, ( yes, this was my goal) the house was better. He and his friend came to pick up our precious Shelby! What a journey for them both. She had to overcome her fear in order for this day to become possible. He had to overcome cancer for this day to be possible! He had seen her TWO YEARS ago when she was first up for adoption. He is recovering and one of the first things he did is start the search for a doberman again! Due to a series of strange yet seemingly destined events, she is not only a new dog, but still available to be his dog!

Just makes me want to cry thinking about it! A guidepost article about a dog named Yahoo is similar to that! Wow! I just found out about that article today as well.

Luka has been like this for me! I still dread going out, primarily due to ignorant, and mean people. ( but, I am getting smarter about that.) When Luka is with me I have a greater sense of confidence, and I feel better knowing I've got him to use to negotiate stairs with no rails, not to mention when he catches my migraine before it happens! Wow! That is such a huge deal for me! I have a little taste of freedom!

I got some laundry started today, even hung some of it on the line, actually some of it is still out there tonight. I was too tired to drag the big heavy sheets in. The bundle I did grab was not so fun to do as there must be another shift in the weather because I am just a bundle of fun tonight.

Oh, well, hopefully by morning it will be gone. The migraine is mostly gone, just the pain in my body is lingering. I feel successful today even though I ended up spending the late afternoon and evening in bed and struggling with pain.

Now with all of the things going on about addictions, overdoses, and with the Tylenol issues. I don't want to wreck my liver! Gosh, I even wonder what these past five years have done to my liver! I am doing everything I can to be as healthy as possible. The cleanses, the vitamins, the healthy eating, that I've tried to do for years. I just hope it is enough.

I know my mom was ready to let go. I sometimes feel as if it would be alright if I let go, when the pain has drug on so long, if that is Gods plan, for someone to go, I pray that instead of taking someone who has a better quality of life that I am the next to go. I don't want to do anything that would speed things up for me, but if there were a gun being pointed at a room full of people, and someone has to be shot, I would definately be stepping forward.

I don't want to be living in pain hell, but even harder is watching Jason's frustrations, with what he can and can't do to help me. All of the things that he can do he isn't comfortable doing, and all of the things he can't do he things he should be able to do. He is a fixer, a patch them up and get them on to the people who solve the problems. Problem is so far there hasn't seemed to be a solution.

The pain hurts! Yes it does, but the pain on top of the emotional damage I am seeing happen to Jason makes things less berable. He is a slave to his life. We try to continue to do things that have the possiblity of making this world a better place. Use the right light bulbs, don't water the yard, just the vegetables, help those around us as much as possible with what we can when we can, help abandon and abused dogs find a better life, give our extra stuff to others so they will have stuff too... gosh.

I don't really know what good it actually does in the long run. I saw this quote tonight on TV.

"People don't behave the way that you think they should behave, but that doesn't mean that the way they behave is wrong. " The Philanthropist. ( I might have not used all the words exact. I tried to.) I so believe this, that everyone is on their own path. I do judge others, but I really try not to. I may not like what someone does, but I am not on their path. Those that cause me harm on mine, I have chosen to cut out of my life. Now more than ever. I just don't need that extra stuff to deal with.

I just really found that statement profound. Especially for me in my life. Am I angry that I am in this situation? I am frustrated. I don't think I am angry. I am struggling, but I am still the same person as I was. I am still her trying to make a difference, I am just trying to find other ways to do it. As my Mary Kay may not be the main delivery method for me. At least while there are limited resourses for me to utalize. It doesn't mean I am wanting to give up, on it! I do still love it, and if I could be a director again that would be amazing! If I could be earning my free cars again, I would be thrilled, if I could be working in any state I wanted, WOW, and if I could be working with my Exchange Daughter and friends in Brazil again I would be on top of the world!

But if those things are never to be again, and I have to make another path, I just want it to be one that Jason doesn't have to struggle so much, and that the burden is lifted from his shoulders. Just because he's got broad shoulders doesn't mean that he should have to carry the entire load.

Today was a really good day! I think with all that goes through my mind, I am sure that others may feel I am disalusioned and miserable. We'll I am where I am. I am doing what I can. Which is all I can do. If at the end of the day I have done my best. Than I would call that day a success. One thing I know for sure is that each day is a Gift!

Thanks Shelby for being one of mine! Blessings on your Forever Home! You will have an amazing future to look forward to! You both will!

Blessings and Huggs!! from Luka and I

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