Sunday, July 5, 2009

SeCoNd tHiRd FoUrTh & FiFtH oF jUlY!

The days these days somehow seem to just all run together. I realize that each day does hold some distinction, but when I sit to recall, it is so much easier to not apply a date and time to a past activitiy.

Yesterday for me is sticking in my mind rather easily though today. I got up in the morning to let the dogs out, Jason had already left for work. There are always things needing to be done around here. Yesterday was no exception. I have had a list mounting as lists do. I had been hurting for a few days, Thurs, Fri, Sat... when waking up to let the dogs out, I could hardly move yet again... I was so not happy. I wasn't having migraines, I was just having the neck shoulder and arm pain, it did radiate to my head but mostly just to my ear and jaw. I'd been icing with ice bags all night and during the day as I could as well.

Friday night, I refused to stay home, after getting a massage, waiting in the car for Jason to get his hair cut, driving through Runza to grab some food, I was famished! I ate a whole value meal. I hadn't done that in a long while.. ok I didn't eat it ALL but most of it. We arrived home in time for me to rest up, we had supper plans with friends that night, I had only been taking one darvocet every six to eight hours or so. Now being fearful of destroying my liver... It helped a little, but I certainly wasn't able to function. I was just walking around, or riding in the car as if I were on egg shells. I knew as long as I didn't get worse that I could make it to supper.

I might not be the most exciting person to have over, but I would be able to sit somewhere and not move much, but have some type of conversation. I really look forward to the changes of scenery. As well as spending time with old or new friends. Our old friends, Wendy and Kelvin are the best! They are both super sweet, and Jason and I really enjoy spending some time with them. We don't see them to often, but when we do Jason and I like getting caught up on their lives. They are such giving and talented people, Friday night was no exception. They were able to help with an alumni project I am working on as well. YEA!

It was so much fun to conjur up old memories working on that project. I was even able to help by writing some names down. My lawn chair is begining to go everywhere I go. It is one of the few places that I can sit in for any length of time. I am looking for another one of these chairs, but have found that no one is carrying that model or even something similar. And the few times I have actually seen one, there hasn't been any money, or enough to get more. I just pray that this chair doesn't break... the others all have..

For the last part of the night I was actually laying down flat on my back with my legs up bent up to my chest. I know that seems like the most uncomfortable position for most people, but this is one of the ways I can lay that takes the pressure off of most of my hurting joints. I usually don't do this in front of others. It isn't the most proper way to behave, in fact it is probably one of the least proper ways to spend time with others. Thank goodness we've got understanding friends.

They were able to come to a stopping point in our project and Jason insisted we go. That was all on the third ao July. Waking up on the fourth to let the dogs out, my ice was warm, Jason had even refreshed it when he left in the morning, I decided I would just do what I had to do, go to the bathroom, grab my shake, and the dogs were taken care of. I grabed more ice packs, and headed back to bed. the dobermans curled up on bed with me Luka on one side, and our foster dog Shelby on the other. Luka just laid there completely in line with me, with his head on my tummy for hours. I slept, woke slept woke, slept woke... I had turned the television on to a PBS station Create, keeping the volume low gave my mind something to do so I wouldn't have to have random thoughts going through my mind. About 1pm I was finally able to get up. The pain mostly had left now. I fiddled around a while, grabbed some cheese and kiwi to eat. We really need to get some groceries. I hope we will be able to this week.

I was craving crackers too, but those have been gone for a while now. It's not that there isn't food in the house, there certainly is. I am just out of some of our favorites, and some staples... The other day, Wednesday, after my great Physical Therapy session, I was able to drive myself to Goodwill to do some clothes shopping.

I had had a great Physical Therapy Session! Woo HOO! My therapist Kristi shared that this was the best I had ever been able to do! That I actually did all that she had planned, and that it was the first session I had ever really been able to complete! I was so excited! It felt so good! Each session 2-3x per week I've been going since Feb or March I think and this was the first week that I did every element on her plan for the day. More than that, I did each of them enough times, and for as long as she had in her plan! YEA!

I know that I've been improving, I could tell. While I struggle with things each day, I haven't fallen in a long time. I most of the time don't feel as if my legs are going to buckle out from underneath me. Not that I am the most steady person, but it is a big relief to stand and feel that my legs will not fail. My goal is to get back to wearing heels, my dream would be that I could once again wear my platform heels!

I had been wearing heels since eighth grade. I love them! I love pretty pretty shoes. I know that sounds vain and wierd. I don't know why I love shoes, heels in particular. I just do, I always have! My back ground in ballet, made wearing them a breeze, I'd always been able to wear higher heels than most everyone else, while I never wore 3 1/2 inch or higher much I could, 2 1/2 to 3 inch were the most comfortable for me. The low ones 1/2 to 1 inch were not comfortable at all. I don't know why. Now anything with a heel makes me nervous, I will try them on every once in a while, I have loaned most of them out, as it makes me unhappy to see my beautiful shoes collecting dust.

There are much more important issues in therapy than wearing heels, I know that is something that really isn't important at all. It is just something that is important to me. I have pretty much given it up, but I still in the back of my mind hold out hope. Hope is something that keeps me going when everything else goes down the tubes.

Jason was at work that day, something else that I've been able to do lately is drive myself around a little bit. I've been going to therapy and home. If I am up to it after PT I will stop and get a gelatto! I've discovered that even though I am lactose intolerant that I can have gellato! At least the fruit based ones at the place I go! YEA! My favorites are pomegranet/blueberry, green machine, and watermellon! MMMMMMMmmmMMM! I never thought I'd be able to go somewhere and get an ice cream cone again! It is so great! No place carries soy ice cream to eat in a cone, and when Jason or other friends would go to get ice cream I'd just get a water. I don't dring soda either. (maybe once a year or so if that) I haven't drank soda for almost 10 years, and for my milk issues about 8 years or so I suppose.

On Thursday I did stop and get a cone! Luka and I make a great team, I wish I could share my gelato with him... maybe after he's retired... When Jason drives me, he even likes to stop and have a cone with me! That is so great! Thursday's lunch was a gelato cone, and then I was off to Goodwill. I drove around and around trying to find the Goodwill. I wish I had an easier time of remembering where things are. If I would go there before my accident, I know where everything is. But if it is a place I have just reciently started going, or something they have built since... geesh! I put a call in to Jason to ask for some help. It turns out I'd been driving past my turn at least 3 times already. He clarified things for me and I made it there!

I am so thankful that prior to my accident I was a very experienced driver. That's pretty much all that I did, drive here and drive there. The car was one place I felt safe, and I would drop myself off at friends and families doors, and work or hang! So the driving part comes easily to me. I am now ultra parinoid though. I watch everyone! I've been told that I drive to cautiously. I am working on that. But when you relive the guy pulling out in front of you over and over again each time someone pulls up to a corner on my right, I really feel the need to make sure they don't pull out infront of me. I am looking at them to make sure that they actually look and see me! That is so scarry! I don't like driving now. I like the freedom of it, but the actual act of it isn't fun, enjoyable or something that feels safe at all. Not that driving was a barrel of monkeys for me before, but it was something I did that I enjoyed. Especially long trips in the car, wow, I would always feel refreshed mentally after them. That doesn't happen anymore.

At least it is a way for me to actually leave my house and the tiny little town that we live in. Having finally made it to Goodwill, Luka and I were off on a clothes hunting adventure. I know now after having gone to a few stores to try on clothes what size I am now. Of course every brand is different, and for that matter so is every style. I begin putting everything in my cart that looks cute that I think might fit. I filled my cart and went to the check out line. I just bought it all. You can return it at this store with in 7 days if you don't want it. My arms hurt when I would grab some of the clothes off the rack and lift them to my cart. I just reminded myself that it was good therapy! Luka would park himself by my cart and I would just go through the racks of clothes. I love Goodwill, everything that is the same size or close to is in the same area, you don't have to go from rack to rack to rack, searching for a style, and then search for a size.

At good will the size is in one area and I can just search for a style! My life made much easier. I am constantly amazed at the nice clothes people choose to donate. Growing up in a farming area the thrift stores, mostly just had junky raggy stuff. Not that the stuff at Goodwill is perfect. Some things have holes, some have stains, some have buttons missing, but most are good and most are nice. Even some designer type brands. Being a shoe fiend, I am also a lover of beautiful clothes and nice fabrics. My mom taught me that. She was a home economist. She sewed, and she taught me to sew. I never was good at it, or for that matter enjoyed it much.

Mom was a perfectionist. I am not. I suppose that is quite apparent from my unedited posts here on this blog. I now like to sew, my way, not moms!

I really don't worry about most of the things I find there at Goodwill, I can repair most of them easily, I could even change the style of them to some degree I think if it would be called for. I have taken my swim suits that I wore at a larger size and taken them in. I am also doing that for my undies... as wierd as that seems to me, but I would rather use what I have than take more money out of our budget for those things. I am not getting undies at Goodwill! YUCK! I haven't figured out to take my bra's in, I hope I do because those things are expensive!

My cart being full, I ended up with four bags of clothes. I got each one of them to the car. That is an exhausting process... Deb a former employee of one of my Doctors was in line behind me. It was nice to see her. We took a minute or two to get caught up. It is kinda wierd, my new friends are becoming my medical professionals. As that is who I see most often. What a wierd life.

My main problem with shopping is trying the clothes on to find out the size, by the time I've picked them out and tried them on, I can hardly move. Not to mention drive myself home. But my new system of grabbing and going works well. With Goodwill, I can actually afford, that term being relative, to buy extra and then take back what I didn't want. I don't know that I could actually afford to get clothes, but I've been struggling to find things that fit at home. I've been trying to wear some of my clothes from before, but that usually results in me looking sloppy or having my bra or something else show from things slipping around.

I know, I am glad to have the problem. I did my BMI body mass index score the other day. I am now in the normal range for my height. Before I was in the Obesse section. So I am glad for my health that I am doing better for my longevity. I am just frustrated. It should be a package deal, loose alot of weight, and your insurance should buy you a new wardrobe! That would be a good trade off I would think! Hee Hee!!

So yesterday after I woke up, after I piddled around and ate my cheese and kiwi, after I let the dogs out again, I began trying some of the clothes on. When I got home from Goodwill, I knew I was tired, so I sat in bed in my usual position. I then began to have increasing amounts of pain... and the fun began... Thur Fri Sat.. That sucks! The rain came and went, and still I was miserable... Saturday afternoon was a welcome relief. Still achy, but not immobilized by the pain, I could get back to functioning. I tried the clothes on in sections, resting in between. Layed them in different piles for later evaluation.

I now have clothes, I washed them, and am washing them,,, I have even repaired some of them. Thank goodness I did some streightening up of my sewing/craft/Mary Kay room the other day!

I thought I might wear them today, but I am in a pair of cutoffs and an old shirt. Seemed suitable for today, as it is Sunday and we have no plans to go anywhere. I woke up feeling pretty good today! I had been up and going til about 3 am last night, the house had become a disaster after feeling so icky starting on Thursday, things just pile up.

You would think things wouldn't being there is only two of us who live there... Mostly it is my fault things get all messed up. When I am in pain, I do the least amount possible, that means, leave dirty dishes around, don't sweep or mop, no laundry, stuff left out on the counters, boxes not folded up mail strewn about... not cute!

So last night while I was feeling well, I just got things back to tolerable, not clean but tolerable. I still need to clean. But I've learned that when I feel well enough I need to do all that I can, because the next minute things could change for me. Feeling well enough this morning, I had my usuall shake as I do most everyday, dogs out, bathroom, clothes... Jason and I chatted for a while in the living room, I had been a little bummed out yesterday.

In addition to trying on my clothes, the day seemed horribly uneventful! Not complaining, but it was noticable this holiday. As I can hear everyone else having fun as the fireworks go off. Christmas isn't nearly as bad, you don't see or hear anything. But this holiday hit, and so did the loneliness. I did finally have a conversation with another human being about 10pm. Jason finally called. I knew he would be busy at work as this holiday is one that he does alot of community service work.

I could have called someone, but really didn't feel like listening to their celebration, or feeling like I was inturrupting the events that they were taking part in. That is something that sucks. The good thing, is I have another regular type day to get the list of things done that I have to do. Staying busy really helped that once I got going.

Truth be told, I am quite good at being on my own. For as much as I am a people person, I do like myself, I don't mind being with myself. It does get old some days. I'd love for each day to be surrounded by people like it used to be. Then I could choose what days I wanted to be by myself, I acutally used to look forward to holidays for that very reason. Jason usually works on holidays, so I would just use the day to get my thoughts together, and get caught up. It worked well.

Today, after we talked in the living room, Jason needed to keep working on his projects in the garage so we moved outside. I plucked some weeds from my planters, and then planted some new plants in them. I am frustrated as crab grass somehow got in my planters! All of the soil came from bags! GRRRRRRRRRR!!!! Crappy dirt... digging crab grass even a little of it sucks! That stuff is gnarley. 6 planters of pulling a plant or two out, and adding a plant or two, and I wasn't able to move again. The pain had started coming back.. Which stinks because I've got weeds growing everywhere, and lots of little vegetables to plant yet.

Jason noticed me and kicked me back inside.. not literally of course. So I am now in bed, having taken yet another darvocet, typing away, as my hands hadn't been hurting... now after typing for a while as I have written yet another novel, that is another story.

So I am ending this post. Luka is at my feet, I am in bed propped up by my pillows, and Jason is in the garage doing something... he menntioned lunch, but never got any further than that. I don't know if we will eat anything or not... Oh well. here I sit. Mabey in a bit I will move to my outdoor chair outside in the sun since I see that it has finally come out.

Looking forward to more good days! At least I'm not having a migraine! YEA! There are blessings! I am so happy about that!

And I think there are some fun things that should be happening this week... I think it is this week! Hmmmmmm.....

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