Wednesday, July 8, 2009

DoCuMeNtArY- LiFe. SuPpOrT. MuSiC.

At different points in your life there are times when you are angry, depressed, sad, numb, happy, gleeful, secure, at peace, and many many more emotional states. I wondered why I was up early today, having woken up at least by 4:30am after having went to bed about midnight. Ah well, I'll take a nap if I need too... I plan on getting my 8 hours of sleep but in some cases I can't seem to fall to sleep or I wake up way early.. it is the way it is. At least I'm not in major pain.

I had a worry that today would bring me many aching muscles. I gave all I had once again. In fact if I'd thought of it I would have taken a picture to post. It would have been pretty funny...
Day started out.. PT am, Lunch/CC: Hooters... (Jason's favorite wings are there, and he was having a trying morning, so I elected to go to Hooters for his personal well being. Feed him hot wings and it cures everything for him) I sat in on a conference call while there on Isagenix, that I wanted to listen to. (Luka fits under their tables perfect, and everyone there has been nothing but nice to us when we eat there!)

After lunch it was errands, I had a list, Dry Cleaners, of which I brought only 1/2 our stuff to be cleaned. I'd been saving it up for about a year... it costs alot to do that! I try and clean that stuff at home.. but some is of no avail and goes in the won't wear it til we get it done by the professionals pile. The $1.99 Cleaners just opened and we took things there. Thank God for that! Walgreens to get eye drops, my eye's have been makin me crazy! Bought 3 kinds, the kind of drops I had didn't work, I had puffy red swollen, matted, ichy, dry, burning horrible eyes. In and around... Thought #1 Allergies which I don't usually have. Thought #2 really bad dry eyes! I think I mentioned that Jason's Jeep is with out air, well with the windows down, sometimes the top all the way off etc... that's alot of wind! I already have dry eyes, a few years ago the eye Dr. shared I am no spring chicken and that's just what happens as we age... ( Ok, so he didn't use those exact words...).

I used one of the things last night, it seems to have done the trick! Tried droping some stuff off to be consigned but, I need to get that figured out better, so I match the right clothes with the right store. Good learning experience, Jason dropped some paperwork off for one of his part time gigs, and we got more dog food, which is a reoccuring experience. I was wiped! Therapy had done me in... but I thought I'll rest when I can and do what I can and just push through. I was just tired and achy very achy! Slowly but surely I did it, with Jason following me around most places. Thanks Jason, after Hooters, life for him was much better!

Arriving home, brought about a longer list of things needing done. I finished cleaning out the clothes in my wardrobe that didn't fit, that I'd been holding on to because I had nothing else, I thought at least I wouldn't have to appear some where naked this way, although as I found out, even while wearing clothes, if they don't fit, you may as well have been, thank goodness for the investment in bra's and undies early on that stay put is all I have to say!

Now if you see me looking a bit teenagerish, well, that's what was at the Goodwill that fit and I liked! The old lady stuff just doesn't make me happy, so it is staying at the Goodwill! Of course I'd like to build up age appropriate attire, but I am not exactly sure what that is at this point in my life...

Closet sorted, while Jason napped. I don't do much quick but I can do things slowly! This was about the 5th time going through my clothes. I think for the most part I am done with that. Shoes is next. I have hardly worn anything besides flip flops, slippers, and sneakers for the past 5 years, I looked at my shoes some of which I have had since before I got married... and have yellow soles, and cracking leather,,,, I need to get rid of them, they are junking up my space!

I had been asking for help washing the dogs for weeks, but Jason never seemed to get the hint, I think he must really hate washing them or think it doesn't matter. Well, they really don't get that dirty, but they shed everywhere, and Luka has a very thick coat for a doberman, and he's way to HOT! The last time I gave them a bath I was in bed for 3 days from the pain. I was so not looking forward to this! I put my swim suit on and headed out to get them cleaned up. I like giving them baths, it is just hard for me and it does hurt, not necessarily bad unless I'd twist funny.. which I am always careful not to do.. I now sit on coolers I have two sizes one that is taller for like 1 meal, and the other which is smaller and shorter, that holds about 5 water bottles. The shorter one works better, and when I fall off, which does happen, it is closer to the ground.

I had gotten this long handled garden sprayer this year, and thought I'd try that and see how it worked as there are several settings for the water, kinda like those fancy hotel shower heads. THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT THING! It worked awesome despite being awkward because for dog bathing the handle is way to long, it saved me so much work! Now granted I was still quite sore afterward, but slowly but surely does the trick. I am sure before, seeing as how for a very short time in my life I got paid to be a very bad dog groomer. But I was always good at giving baths. No one should EVER let me cut their hair! NOT EVER! I am not good at it!

Shelby and Luka made it through the bath and are squeeky clean! Ozzie on the other hand, slept through the entire adventure while on the basement couch. Jason had a fire call in the middle of my bathing, so that made an interesting afternoon for him as well, he was busy fixing a few things around the house. We fix one thing and something else breaks, or needs fixed because of being old... Ahhhhhhh the joys! What ever we have the money for is always next on the list at this point, but I think many people are like that.

Dad's car's transmission is on its way out, we were hoping that would help us out on our next trip, but don't want to take it that far away, it is getting really scarry. I plan on only using it in town. It almost makes me sick to call him and tell him, since he has fixed one thing after another on it. Talk about a money pit. It is going to be a new car soon. Can't say a whole lot our Jeep seems to be in the same boat. GRRR...

Dogs clean, on to the vegetables, I've got all these little plants I grew from seeds sitting out back, I keep not planting them because I hurt and don't want to feel worse. I thought, well, I've done everything I can today, I might as well keep going, slowly but surely. My muscles burning and aching, make each move of the day quite painful. But I've got a goal in my mind that is for sure! Thinking of each of these activities as therapy excersizes also helps. As I am getting stronger, and stronger FINALLY!

I sat outside for a bit while Jason watered all of my pots for me, and had a wine cooler. I don't have them often, but it sounded good after Jason had had a beer. And he'd gotten them for me and my friend the other night, we each had one. Off to the shower. Jason laughed at me, as I am still in my swim suit, only now I've been soaked by water, covered in dog hair, and I have dirt everywhere from potting plants! He often asks me, " What happened to that tough farm girl I married?" I usually don't have the best response. I wish I had a picture of that! I'd carry it around and show him that when he asks. I don't mind hard work, and I don't mind gettting dirty doing it. Except of course when I am all dressed up!

So this morning and the main reason I wanted to blog right now, is that while fliping around on the television while drinking my shake for breakfast, I ended up at PBS. I just LOVE PBS! There was a show already in progress, that just started speaking to me. I have also tried to include the link at the title, but I am going to have to do some fiddling around to get all of this to work right. I will soon..

Life. Support. Music about Jason Crigler's journey through a near fatal brain hemorrhage, told by friend and filmmaker Eric Danial Metzgar. I ended up catching about the last 1/2 of the film. While I didn't have this same thing happen to me, so many of the things he went through, corralate with my journey. I think the begining of his journey is dissimilar, as they never even kept me in the hospital at all after my accident. I remember all of the days and nights where my body would shake uncontrollably, I remember because it drove Jason nuts. It did me too, but he hated it. I think wives are better than husbands at snuggling up. (if you watch the movie you'll understand.) So many times I wished there'd been more support for Jason. Like the film showed, I was able to give that to my mom while she died of pancreatic cancer, I didn't do a great job of it when she went through breast cancer. I did up until the day of my accident, do a great job of taking care of my Grandmother as well. (I am really mad at my accident for taking me away from my Grandmother. I would clip her toe nails, paint them, rub her feet, rub her legs, rub her hands and paint her finger nails. Wash her dentures, not just put them in a dish of cleaner, but scrub them ( I really hated doing that, it grossed me out to be honest. But no one else did this for her or the other things that I did that I knew of. ) I would also give her a head massage, and fluff her hair. Another cousin of mine paid for her to go to the salon so she'd be all clean and nice. I'd bring my computer in occasionally to share family pictures with her as well.

I was there to see her once a week to every two weeks. I'd stick around for an hour or two, what ever I had time for or she could handle. I wanted her to feel special, and truth be told, she was at the nursing home with other ladies who'd always put her down as she'd been poor and unconventional there may have been other reasons as well, I don't know. She'd only mentioned it once to me in her entire life. Even if she hadn't it was evident. I used to visit her at home and at the senior center before she was in the nursing home. I always made sure to look better than anyone else when I came to visit her in public places. Sounds silly I know, but I wanted everyone there to know that she was someone special and important! She was to me!

I don't know how many other grandkids did that for their grandparents, I am sure there are some, but she'd always been there for me and my sisters, and I wanted to make sure to be there for her. I was so upset still am I guess, for not being able to go see her after the accident. I just couldn't handle the 3 hour drive each way. I wouldn't have been able to do those things for her anyway, but I could still show up.

Oh, I tried for a while, but the longer it went after the accident the worse it got, the more pain came the more I did the worse I got, trying to keep my business's so I could continue to bring money in became the goal, as well as getting better.

Watching the show this morning, I really envied the support he had. However, God had prepared me for this. I always thought that the skills that I had gained from my 17 years in Mary Kay were so that I could pass them on to others, and use them to benefit others. Truth be told, it wasn't until reciently that I have noticed, that even though there wasn't any family support available, or fundraisers or things.. that my Mary Kay gave me the skills of staying happy when things look horrible, putting a happy face on everything no matter how bleak. The saying never let'em see you sweat, was something that to me and to Jason as well, meant that we just smile and get through it.

I think that is good, but on the other hand, and the main reason I started this blog was to share what we/I am really going through. People would look at us like we were making this up, because I look perfect. I sound perfect for the most part. It's only when you are really around me for a while that you will notice. I try really hard for that. I remember making the decision to make sure my mouth was closed, as it would hang open at times as well. I know for months/years I was in so much pain, and having so many back to back to back to back migraines, that would last days have a break for a day or two and start over again. I couldn't feel most of my body. I could move it but I couldn't feel the pain in it. My body would block it, stuff that I knew should hurt didn't. I remember many Dr's poking me with pointy objects all over my body, inserting needles etc. and there was no pain.

I am now having to relearn how to move my body in ways that won't cause me more pain and further injury. Jason doesn't even completely understand, I just can't explain it... Geesh enough about this stuff. I don't remember many days/years because of the medication, on the other hand so many things are stuck in my head like it was yesterday.

I cried while watching the documentary today. The Jason in the documentary must have been such an extrordinary person for people to come together like this around him. My heart breaks as theirs does for the people who don't have the family, friends, and resourses to handle something like this. Who are in nursing homes, in a horrible state. It hits home for me so much, because after I had been doing better, Jason shared with me that he thought he was going to have to put me in a nursing home. In addition to Jason, there have been so many people of note so far that have helped so much. Our exchange student Fernanda, who we had already commited to hosting, who we would never have had we known the reality of my situation. ( as it wasn't as fun of an experience for her had I been healthy), Rebecca who was in my unit and who stepped up to help me to work in my office, Linda a friend who came in and helped with my business (she came at a time when I thought no one cared, that in itself helped so much), Gwen who's always on the look out for things that might help me, Ruth who does the same, Karen my MK Director friend who drove me to many events, my dad who's shared his car with us, a church group in Kansas which my cousin belongs to that sent a prayer quilt just at the right time,
Jen and Brent our forever friends who are the biggest blessings in so many ways, my friend Barb who hooks me up with unusual things, my sister Kyla who went grocery shopping and surprised us with groceries when we could really use them. MaryBelle who always has a fun diversion for us, and my neighbors, who are really great! There are more people as well, some I've mentioned other times, and other's I've never mentioned. I am so grateful! I've got it so good!

I would wish that no one would ever suffer from anything. But as we all suffer from or with something, that there are caring giving people who would always be there for those going through the worst times in their lives.

The documentary really reminded me also of when my mom was going through hospice care at our house in 2001. Our house was alive with love for months! We were full of people in and out, helping visiting all of them caring and sharing! What a blessing it was to know that type of love.

So we've got some great things coming up! After my activities yesterday, I am no worse for them! YEA! So, I've got a list of more things I need to get busy with. As this has taken far to long for me to write. Someday I will just write a few words! I want to be able to take those cool pictures, and post them. And continually talk about exciting and fun things going on in my life.

I am so glad that documentary was made and that he is doing so incredibly well, and while doing so well he is also giving back. What a gift! Thanks for giving it!

Things are moving forward, and I can't wait for tomorrow, what ever it holds! I am blessed!

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