Saturday, August 22, 2009


I had realized some time ago that things in this world, in my world were changing. I mean, I know that things change every moment. The rate at which things are changing in my life, verses the world ( everyone else's life ) I have come to realize are at two very different paces.

My life is changing it is now headed in an improving direction, even noticably so and has been for a month or so. Prior to that, I have noticed improvements steadily over the past year. They have been extremely small, each one coming with a price. Not that the one's now aren't as well, but the price seems easier to pay now, at least most of the time.

Having spent most of the last 5 years in bed. I still spend quite alot of time in bed resting, I watched the things that I had control over in my imediate surroundings disappear. Wierdly, eerily, the memories of my life and what it was, are almost as if they still are. Which is so difficult for me.

Other people have moved on. What their lives were 5 years ago, have all but been forgotten to them. This realization has come to me this eventful week. I love hearing about where everyone is, and what they are up to. How they have changed or their family has grown, what they have accomplished, or soon will, it is so great to see. I can't say that this happiness for them doesn't come without some pain on my part for where I've been or what I've done. I truly am thrilled to pieces for them.

The feeling of being left out, seems to stick to me like gorilla glue. My world is quite small, has been for 5 years. I tried to keep it expanded, I fought the closing umbrella so hard, and for so long, that I never thought it would open up again.

This past couple of weeks my life has begun to open up again. I've been through this before with other trauma'a in my life, but they had begun to finally start living in the past. It seems as if with this new opening old memories have a way of stalling out my mind. An issue I will once again have to face and reconcile.

A memory close to my heart this week especially, has been the weekly Rotary meetings I had become a part of which have for me these years seemed like yesterday. I had one of the wierdest introductions to the group I am sure. I was the most unusal member of the group probably since it's conseption. To say it nicely, I just didn't fit the mold. I will finish this another time... Luka just alerted on me....

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


I've been working hard on getting better, it seems to be a never ending project. I must admit, that this is something I struggle with. I still have my previous life in my mind. There isn't a day that goes by, especially now, as this was the year that I had planned to give Jason the option of retiring. That is the thing I think that makes me the most upset at this moment.

I don't know if he would have chosen to or not, but to go to work with the knowledge that you didn't have to... It would be a gift! I think he would always choose to work, but having the choice to instead of the need too.. Wow, that would really take the pressure off. He does love what he does. Although, there are some major issues.

Things going on in our lives once again, (making number 11 almost seem possible, from my list in an earlier post) are causing us pause. While nothing has happened, I am choosing to not wait around and watch our lives continue to fall apart more. I've been working on a couple of extra projects for a while now.

At this time I am not able to do my Mary Kay business as I once had. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to be able to do that! I could solve all of our financial issues, I am sure, given some time back in the saddle. I was very good at that, still am for what I am able to still do. I loved it, and while, I was never the perfect polished person, I think my sincerity and genuine affinity for what I did shone through and others identified with that.

I am going to spread my attention in three areas. My mind at least most of the time works just fine. I just have difficulty with the meds I take making me on the confused, and foggy side of life. Lovely, I know. Again a little sarcasm...

1. My Mary Kay, Clients - keep on servicing them the best that I can! Consultants - support them as well as I can as well. ( I mostly receive orders via: text, email, or phone and ship these things out.) My Mary Kay money goes to supplement our regular income needs to run our house and of course to cover what I spend on my own Mary Kay products. I can pay a bill that is due here and there with it. I really love all of my Mary Kay customers! I love playing with colors and so much more... My clients are the BEST!

2. My Isagenix, That has become the biggest blessing to me as of late! Not only am I a tremendous amount thinner, but I have been able to be more and more active! Woot! Others have also started doing it and those who are doing it, are seeing some very nice results as well. This is encouraging me to start doing more with it! I have yet to really see allot of cash flow, but anything is helpful at this point!.. What I am excited about mostly is helping other people realize that they too can feel and look better too. (gosh, if I did it not being able to move much, anyone really could!)

The Isagenix, is also more suited to me not traveling all around and about. I don't have to carry anything, I just basically talk to people usually on the phone or Internet, or where I see them if I am out. There is no pressure, and I can do it when I feel well! So it works out for me, gives me other people to focus on, instead of myself! Which has always been better for me.

My main focus is getting what I make with my Isagenix to cover what I spend with it. Which I would have had to spend buying groceries anyway... So, that is good, since we've got to save money where we can. I've already got a new goal for that as well, to start saving money for an emergency fund, and then to save for a car so I can get around on my own! (dad's car is about ready for the junkyard I think, the air is out on it, and the transmission is on its way out)

3. TONJA'S CLOSET: Since I have lost all of this weight, I started rehoming all of my clothes, then it dawned on me! I need to have new clothes! YIKES, as NOTHING at all fits me from before! Thank You Isagenix!! OK, my shoes still do. (most of them anyway, my feet are even thinner) I have no money for new clothes! NONE! I started shopping at consignment stores, I have always done this, even when I had more money. I found that this option was even to expensive for me to build a wardrobe on.

I don't even need all of those professional clothes anymore. I bet there are quite a few people who just really can't afford all of those clothes even at consignment shops. I started going to thrift stores, and I've started asking people if they have clothes they don't want anymore, if they'd consider giving them to me. Not kids clothes! I am not sure what to do with those!
So I am putting the word out! I am collecting clothing! For TEENS MEN AND WOMEN! Mostly women, but I am also collecting men's stuff too!

So people around me are pitching in, I am finding stuff as well that needs cleaned up and repaired. I am good at those things for the most part, and so I am recycling clothing! Nice clothing not the stuff that should be turned in to rags! It may still be in style, may have come out last season, or the one before, or is something that is timeless and always will be in style. I have some funky pieces too, because that's what I love!

So if you or your teen or your hubby is needing some new clothing and you don't have allot to spend, most of my things I will be selling for $2-$4! That fits so much better in my budget! They are all clean repaired and in great shape! I've got sizes from 00 to 29 I think in women, and Men's I am collecting, since Jason is an xxl I have mostly that size right now, but am collecting some smaller sizes as I go.

So, you ask, why are you doing this? Well, my service dog Luka was already old for a service dog when I got him, and he really needs to retire. In order to get my next service dog, I need to save up enough money to get trained with him and for supplies which is about $2600 Money that we just don't have. In addition, I need to save up money to care for Luka and Ozzie in their old age.

Ideally, this is something I can do to help other people save money, and help me make some. It isn't that I necessarily NEED more to do, as I must admit, that keeping the house clean and running is difficult enough for me. I just find it to be so boring! I love having a clean house, but much of the things needed done to keep it clean are now on my restriction list as well. So, if things go well, I might even be able to afford some help in getting it clean! (OK, it isn't a disgusting pit, I just need help with the tub, shower, toilets, and floors) Everything else, I can manage somehow.

And I love clothing, at one time I had planned on going into clothing design! I am even saving the unrepairable things to cut up and make into a quilt.

Some of the other things I had thought about doing were: website design, newsletters for others, marketing materials for others, teaching of different classes like hobby classes... but these things in general need to meet deadlines. I can't always guarantee something because of how much pain I have so I don't want to set myself up to fail.

The things above, are all things that I can do on my own time frame, things that I am able to do even if I am not feeling the greatest at least to some degree. They don't have deadlines, and there aren't allot of physical demands.

The clothing business, actually is helping my arms get stronger, as it is hard for me to pick up things doing the folding, the washing, the repairing, etc. Is helping me get stronger, just like working in my garden. Although those pesky weeds are still making me nuts!

So, if you'd like to loose weight or make sure you are getting the nutrients your body needs, let me know, if you are wanting to look younger, or need to know how to put your eyeshadow on, I can help you with that, and if you are wanting a new outfit or two and don't want to blow your budget, I've got just what you are looking for or I soon will. Just give me a call, drop me a line, let me know what sizes you are looking for and the style, and I can get you hooked up!

Boring is not for me! I eat to live, I don't live to eat! My age is only a state of mind!

Well, I just got back from therapy, boy Oh'boy, I have a smile on through the pain of therapy lately. My progress is so slow but I am definately making progress! Woo HOOOOOO! I also got results of my yearly exam back! Mostly Good News! Most everything looks great! I need to increase a couple more vitamins, one I had figured on, as I always have seemed to need that one, and the other, was some what of a surprise, but not extremely. I am taking some, but just need to increase it, I am going to have to do some math to figure out what I am taking and how much more I need to take. Everything bad I can add a simple thing to fix, so that is nifty!

I've still got my Mamogram, and my Dexiscan next week, so I am sure things will be clicking along nicely! Make sure that you are all doing your regular check ups and exams! Do all of your preventative care! It is worth it.

I am sad today, as I received news that a friend of mine that I had breakfast with every week for about seven years, prior to my not being able to get out and about, has just passed away. I had just found out that he wasn't well, and had started to ask around to find out what was going on with him. He was in Rotary with me, he was the only Rotarian to attend my wedding, and was one of the very nicest people that you could ever hope to know. It makes me so sad. Makes me remember lots of other things that make me so sad too.

Blessings to you my friend, I will be keeping your family in my prayers as well.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

KiSs ThAt!

Gifts! I've got lots of them. I am really quite lucky!

I am quite grateful, I live in the country I do. I can open my mouth and what ever crazy, dumb, wierd, correct, inspiring thing that comes out of my mouth is ok to say. It might not be agreed upon by others, but I have the right to say it!

I am thrilled that I take so much less medication than I used to! While I still take more than I'd like, I take allot less than I had to before! You've heard of the show, So You Think You Can Dance? Before the accident I actually could. I could also think, have a clear thought in my head or lots of them! Hee Hee! With the meds, my mind was the only thing that worked but it was so clouded up with medication, even when the migraines weren't present, that I still couldn't. Didn't stop me from trying to think, or open my mouth as luck or unluck would have it. ;)

I can move my head more than I used to be able to! I don't have to be constantly supporting it for EVERY MOVEMENT! I used to have to use my arms which were also in pain to brace it steady as we'd drive down the road in a car or the Jeep. Most of the time that isn't nessessary now! Woot!

My therapy is working! I have muscles that are working, or at least starting to! While I am by no means strong, I am so much stronger, as my muscles had at one point started to atrophy. I used to have to have help sitting up, getting out of bed, or walking anywhere. I can do it on my own now, 90% of the time! I still need help, I still get shaky, but I am so much more independent!

I've talked about getting a scooter a few times, and while it isn't completely out of my mind yet, I am working to where it hopefully wouldn't ever be used even if I had one. But at this point, I still could use something like that just to get around town with, as carrying groceries home is so not a good idea, and some days walking Luka enough to get him enough excersize has been a problem. ( I don't want a scooter to sit and live in, just one to help me get things done safer and more effectively.)

I used to have to have help doing everything, but I am back now helping others! I really like that! I am a person who'd never really HAD to ask for help. I eventually would have got most things accomplished. While I have always enjoyed having help! I never wanted to put myself in a position where I was looked upon as lazy. I wanted people to WANT to do something with me, not feel obligated to. I still feel that way, and probably shouldn't as I have needed help with things, but felt bad no one was around who really wanted to help, so I would never ask. I can tell when there is genuine willingness, I can feel it. I try to always help in the spirit of wanting to instead of having to. I don't want anyone to feel like I do when someone helps me out of 'Having To'.

I am super thankful to help others! I really hurt my soul not being able to.

I am smarter! For that I am also greatful! Oh, man oh man, I am smarter. Maybe not book wise but, life wise I am much smarter. My years in Mary Kay leading up to the accident, I thought were giving me the skills I needed to be able to help others more effectively. When in fact I have discovered that what God had me going through was so I could help myself! I am so greatful for having worked so hard before to help others, as if I hadn't I shudder to think what would have happened to me. Because at that time I would have never worked so hard for myself.

Maybe someday soon, I will even be able to become an advocate or educate others on how to survive a nasty stinky car accident. The worst part has been learning about the insurance industry. The security I had knowing that I had insurance on my cars, and that others had to have insurance on theirs is no more. Even though the guy who caused my accident has insurance.... what a royal pain and enlightening experience this has been so far, and I am sure will be in the future. As nothing from his end, for me has been done, except for postpone, postpone, and More postponing.

I had hoped to find a civilized way of settling this, I know that he didn't drive his car out into the intersection for the purpose of moving his car in my imediate path. I mean, who but a crazy person would do that? I am sure he isn't crazy. Old yes, but crazy, I am sure he is not. I hadn't even planned on retaining an attourney. Times change! I wish things weren't this way. I wish two people, or whom ever could come to a table even with a mediator, sit down and work things out in advance, or with in a reasonable time.

I used to have the idea, that if I did everything correctly that I would be protected and safe, at least that things would go smoother, and easier, if I told the truth, and I was cooperative, and forth right that things would work out alright and that I didn't need plan A, B, C, D, E, F,.. heck I don't know what plan I am on now, I think at this point with all Jason and I have gone through and overcome that plan Z might even be long past if we counted. My sense of security is so saddly shaken. I am still the same person, but I certainly would have protected myself more.

It is kinda funny, now that I sit here and am watching the entire country and most of the world bracing for economic disaster. It isn't nearly so stressful for me. In my line of work had I been able to keep working, I wouldn't have been affected much at all either, as Mary Kay is experiencing growth even today! My friends in fact are still doing fantastic! I am so happy for that.

The last 5 years, Jason and I have been through:
1. the days after my accident where I was told I'd be better in a couple weeks

2. 6 months later when we were in shock after having gotten worse not better and finances were plumiting and medical bills and others were mounting.

3. 2 or so years later when we had no choice but to file and declare something we had worked so hard not to do. I don't use the word at this time because it still hurts.

4. when I lost my Mary Kay car after 6 years of having driven free, don't recall if this was number three or four. In Mary Kay you have to WORK for everything, I worked hard for all that I had, nothing had come to me easily.

5. When I lost my International Mary Kay Business and the income and opportunities that provided. I had just broke my business wide open for growth and real security in the days before this accident.

6. When I lost my Mary Kay Director Business and the income and opportunities that provided

7. When Jason's City was annexed by another and all of his retirement, and seniority, security, and income were put into jeopardy, and we took losses in almost every aspect of his financial future. At his age, with what was going on with me, he has had to just keep his mouth shut, and bend over, if you will excuse the term. ( I'd use another one but nothing seems to work)

8. The gradual loss of my Mary Kay Personal Business as well, and the income that it provided. While I still have this business, it brings in only a small fraction of what it once did.

9. Gas prices when they went up so high, before Jason and another guy would commute to work, and that saved us. When he went to having to drive himself, and not even be able to use the motorcycle because of all of the hoops he now had to jump through, it took everything we had after all we'd been through just to get him to work. I had to stop going to treatments and well, that's a whole nother story.

10. When the markets collapsed, and everyone else started to feel the pinch, along with us. People going through are ending up in worse shape than we are in, we are very lucky. We have had many teachable lessons in our life. Lessons that we have learned from. Each lesson we have learned while painful, have brought us to survive each of these things.

I am so greatful, that even when we have had no hope at all, God has provided. Of that I still have faith in. I have been truthful to the point of painful, I have been forthright, and I have been blessed, not by the security of the laws and the rules put into place by the USA, but I believe through the grace of God. Where one door shut, another one opened. Unbelieveably, unexpectedly, and entirely gratefully. So here I sit, not giving up and not giving in. God has a plan, while I am certainly not sure what it is, I am hanging on for the ride.

On a funny, sick sence of humor type of note... I have felt pretty great over the last several days or so, aside from the just now normal everyday pain, I only had a flared up muscle or two. With that being the case, I've been as busy as I can be. Which is still moving slowly, but having a list of great expectations of myself. I was busy walking as I should be yesterday, Luka and Morgan with me, things going quite well! Woot! When Morgan saw a squirl while we were just sitting relaxing, the next thing I know I've got a very nasty rope burn on my right hand, still in shock, I was able to rip the chunks of skin from my hand, close it up before the pain started pouring through my body.

It used to be something like this might have at least caused a tear or two. When I broke my arm, a couple fell and that was it. I don't know, why I no longer cry if something hurts. For me it really causes no benefit I guess. I suppose if I had cried I would have also not had the energy to deal with the pain and make it home. Especially with two hyped up dobermans now on either side of me. I clenched my fist hooked their leashes to me and made it the two blocks home, no nausea or nothing! Wow, I must be a pro at this pain stuff by now. Hee Hee!

Anyway, I am still able to type with the burns across my right hand today. I figure if I keep moving them, icing them and icing them in between that it will be better for me in the long run. I really didn't need any more pain in my hand, but hey, suck it up girly, you've got things to do!

At this point I will also write about what I just found out. One of MY GIRLS, (a former unit member), I just found out had tried to commit suicide. I haven't been there for her. I really haven't been present for many of them since my unit was disbanded. Not that I haven't meant to be, I've just still been feeling so guilty myself for not having been strong enough to hang on to us all. Well, things are a changing, that is for sure. Hold on to your hats, cause this girls spunk is slowly comming back! And I am MAD at all the things I've had no control in my life over. I am a SURVIVOR! And I am going to teach others how to do it too! So kiss that! (again no other words seemed appropriate, Hugs!)

Wishing you blessings, with a grateful heart!