Saturday, August 22, 2009


I had realized some time ago that things in this world, in my world were changing. I mean, I know that things change every moment. The rate at which things are changing in my life, verses the world ( everyone else's life ) I have come to realize are at two very different paces.

My life is changing it is now headed in an improving direction, even noticably so and has been for a month or so. Prior to that, I have noticed improvements steadily over the past year. They have been extremely small, each one coming with a price. Not that the one's now aren't as well, but the price seems easier to pay now, at least most of the time.

Having spent most of the last 5 years in bed. I still spend quite alot of time in bed resting, I watched the things that I had control over in my imediate surroundings disappear. Wierdly, eerily, the memories of my life and what it was, are almost as if they still are. Which is so difficult for me.

Other people have moved on. What their lives were 5 years ago, have all but been forgotten to them. This realization has come to me this eventful week. I love hearing about where everyone is, and what they are up to. How they have changed or their family has grown, what they have accomplished, or soon will, it is so great to see. I can't say that this happiness for them doesn't come without some pain on my part for where I've been or what I've done. I truly am thrilled to pieces for them.

The feeling of being left out, seems to stick to me like gorilla glue. My world is quite small, has been for 5 years. I tried to keep it expanded, I fought the closing umbrella so hard, and for so long, that I never thought it would open up again.

This past couple of weeks my life has begun to open up again. I've been through this before with other trauma'a in my life, but they had begun to finally start living in the past. It seems as if with this new opening old memories have a way of stalling out my mind. An issue I will once again have to face and reconcile.

A memory close to my heart this week especially, has been the weekly Rotary meetings I had become a part of which have for me these years seemed like yesterday. I had one of the wierdest introductions to the group I am sure. I was the most unusal member of the group probably since it's conseption. To say it nicely, I just didn't fit the mold. I will finish this another time... Luka just alerted on me....

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