Sunday, August 2, 2009

KiSs ThAt!

Gifts! I've got lots of them. I am really quite lucky!

I am quite grateful, I live in the country I do. I can open my mouth and what ever crazy, dumb, wierd, correct, inspiring thing that comes out of my mouth is ok to say. It might not be agreed upon by others, but I have the right to say it!

I am thrilled that I take so much less medication than I used to! While I still take more than I'd like, I take allot less than I had to before! You've heard of the show, So You Think You Can Dance? Before the accident I actually could. I could also think, have a clear thought in my head or lots of them! Hee Hee! With the meds, my mind was the only thing that worked but it was so clouded up with medication, even when the migraines weren't present, that I still couldn't. Didn't stop me from trying to think, or open my mouth as luck or unluck would have it. ;)

I can move my head more than I used to be able to! I don't have to be constantly supporting it for EVERY MOVEMENT! I used to have to use my arms which were also in pain to brace it steady as we'd drive down the road in a car or the Jeep. Most of the time that isn't nessessary now! Woot!

My therapy is working! I have muscles that are working, or at least starting to! While I am by no means strong, I am so much stronger, as my muscles had at one point started to atrophy. I used to have to have help sitting up, getting out of bed, or walking anywhere. I can do it on my own now, 90% of the time! I still need help, I still get shaky, but I am so much more independent!

I've talked about getting a scooter a few times, and while it isn't completely out of my mind yet, I am working to where it hopefully wouldn't ever be used even if I had one. But at this point, I still could use something like that just to get around town with, as carrying groceries home is so not a good idea, and some days walking Luka enough to get him enough excersize has been a problem. ( I don't want a scooter to sit and live in, just one to help me get things done safer and more effectively.)

I used to have to have help doing everything, but I am back now helping others! I really like that! I am a person who'd never really HAD to ask for help. I eventually would have got most things accomplished. While I have always enjoyed having help! I never wanted to put myself in a position where I was looked upon as lazy. I wanted people to WANT to do something with me, not feel obligated to. I still feel that way, and probably shouldn't as I have needed help with things, but felt bad no one was around who really wanted to help, so I would never ask. I can tell when there is genuine willingness, I can feel it. I try to always help in the spirit of wanting to instead of having to. I don't want anyone to feel like I do when someone helps me out of 'Having To'.

I am super thankful to help others! I really hurt my soul not being able to.

I am smarter! For that I am also greatful! Oh, man oh man, I am smarter. Maybe not book wise but, life wise I am much smarter. My years in Mary Kay leading up to the accident, I thought were giving me the skills I needed to be able to help others more effectively. When in fact I have discovered that what God had me going through was so I could help myself! I am so greatful for having worked so hard before to help others, as if I hadn't I shudder to think what would have happened to me. Because at that time I would have never worked so hard for myself.

Maybe someday soon, I will even be able to become an advocate or educate others on how to survive a nasty stinky car accident. The worst part has been learning about the insurance industry. The security I had knowing that I had insurance on my cars, and that others had to have insurance on theirs is no more. Even though the guy who caused my accident has insurance.... what a royal pain and enlightening experience this has been so far, and I am sure will be in the future. As nothing from his end, for me has been done, except for postpone, postpone, and More postponing.

I had hoped to find a civilized way of settling this, I know that he didn't drive his car out into the intersection for the purpose of moving his car in my imediate path. I mean, who but a crazy person would do that? I am sure he isn't crazy. Old yes, but crazy, I am sure he is not. I hadn't even planned on retaining an attourney. Times change! I wish things weren't this way. I wish two people, or whom ever could come to a table even with a mediator, sit down and work things out in advance, or with in a reasonable time.

I used to have the idea, that if I did everything correctly that I would be protected and safe, at least that things would go smoother, and easier, if I told the truth, and I was cooperative, and forth right that things would work out alright and that I didn't need plan A, B, C, D, E, F,.. heck I don't know what plan I am on now, I think at this point with all Jason and I have gone through and overcome that plan Z might even be long past if we counted. My sense of security is so saddly shaken. I am still the same person, but I certainly would have protected myself more.

It is kinda funny, now that I sit here and am watching the entire country and most of the world bracing for economic disaster. It isn't nearly so stressful for me. In my line of work had I been able to keep working, I wouldn't have been affected much at all either, as Mary Kay is experiencing growth even today! My friends in fact are still doing fantastic! I am so happy for that.

The last 5 years, Jason and I have been through:
1. the days after my accident where I was told I'd be better in a couple weeks

2. 6 months later when we were in shock after having gotten worse not better and finances were plumiting and medical bills and others were mounting.

3. 2 or so years later when we had no choice but to file and declare something we had worked so hard not to do. I don't use the word at this time because it still hurts.

4. when I lost my Mary Kay car after 6 years of having driven free, don't recall if this was number three or four. In Mary Kay you have to WORK for everything, I worked hard for all that I had, nothing had come to me easily.

5. When I lost my International Mary Kay Business and the income and opportunities that provided. I had just broke my business wide open for growth and real security in the days before this accident.

6. When I lost my Mary Kay Director Business and the income and opportunities that provided

7. When Jason's City was annexed by another and all of his retirement, and seniority, security, and income were put into jeopardy, and we took losses in almost every aspect of his financial future. At his age, with what was going on with me, he has had to just keep his mouth shut, and bend over, if you will excuse the term. ( I'd use another one but nothing seems to work)

8. The gradual loss of my Mary Kay Personal Business as well, and the income that it provided. While I still have this business, it brings in only a small fraction of what it once did.

9. Gas prices when they went up so high, before Jason and another guy would commute to work, and that saved us. When he went to having to drive himself, and not even be able to use the motorcycle because of all of the hoops he now had to jump through, it took everything we had after all we'd been through just to get him to work. I had to stop going to treatments and well, that's a whole nother story.

10. When the markets collapsed, and everyone else started to feel the pinch, along with us. People going through are ending up in worse shape than we are in, we are very lucky. We have had many teachable lessons in our life. Lessons that we have learned from. Each lesson we have learned while painful, have brought us to survive each of these things.

I am so greatful, that even when we have had no hope at all, God has provided. Of that I still have faith in. I have been truthful to the point of painful, I have been forthright, and I have been blessed, not by the security of the laws and the rules put into place by the USA, but I believe through the grace of God. Where one door shut, another one opened. Unbelieveably, unexpectedly, and entirely gratefully. So here I sit, not giving up and not giving in. God has a plan, while I am certainly not sure what it is, I am hanging on for the ride.

On a funny, sick sence of humor type of note... I have felt pretty great over the last several days or so, aside from the just now normal everyday pain, I only had a flared up muscle or two. With that being the case, I've been as busy as I can be. Which is still moving slowly, but having a list of great expectations of myself. I was busy walking as I should be yesterday, Luka and Morgan with me, things going quite well! Woot! When Morgan saw a squirl while we were just sitting relaxing, the next thing I know I've got a very nasty rope burn on my right hand, still in shock, I was able to rip the chunks of skin from my hand, close it up before the pain started pouring through my body.

It used to be something like this might have at least caused a tear or two. When I broke my arm, a couple fell and that was it. I don't know, why I no longer cry if something hurts. For me it really causes no benefit I guess. I suppose if I had cried I would have also not had the energy to deal with the pain and make it home. Especially with two hyped up dobermans now on either side of me. I clenched my fist hooked their leashes to me and made it the two blocks home, no nausea or nothing! Wow, I must be a pro at this pain stuff by now. Hee Hee!

Anyway, I am still able to type with the burns across my right hand today. I figure if I keep moving them, icing them and icing them in between that it will be better for me in the long run. I really didn't need any more pain in my hand, but hey, suck it up girly, you've got things to do!

At this point I will also write about what I just found out. One of MY GIRLS, (a former unit member), I just found out had tried to commit suicide. I haven't been there for her. I really haven't been present for many of them since my unit was disbanded. Not that I haven't meant to be, I've just still been feeling so guilty myself for not having been strong enough to hang on to us all. Well, things are a changing, that is for sure. Hold on to your hats, cause this girls spunk is slowly comming back! And I am MAD at all the things I've had no control in my life over. I am a SURVIVOR! And I am going to teach others how to do it too! So kiss that! (again no other words seemed appropriate, Hugs!)

Wishing you blessings, with a grateful heart!

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