So as I sit here with many changes headed my way gaining the courage to face it all head on. To set everything up with the smoothest transition space possible. Some changes can be planned for. Some of the happen quite unexpectedly. I am fine with that. Surprises.... well, I prefer to know them in advance, even if not prepped for them I do still enjoy them.
Hey it is so much better than being bored. I just read a FB post tonight from a friend who's just had some surgery, they shared that they were recovering, and bored out of their mind. The thoughts that run through my mind when I read that, were, Hey, ENJOY IT! You actually have a life to go back to! Then I thought, wow, bored, I am rarely ever bored.
Jason and I tease each other, as he often becomes frustrated with me when I am able to verbally express myself. It used to be easy for me to do so, but nowadays it all comes out in the moments where I have enough clarity and energy to express myself , share my ideas, and my frustrations. My mind is always moving thinking about these things and those. I have such interesting thoughts, I am always getting ideas, or solving issues in my mind.
I am a good out of the box thinking problem solver. I may not, actually probably will not come up with ideas that the regular folks will come up with. I never have been that way. I really love the crazy things that go through my mind. I just seem to see so many things as others do. That is so hard for some people to accept. But I think those things are just what makes me, ME! I've always been like that.
I received an update church newsletter, we've stopped going for a variety of reasons, but even the thought of sitting in those pews can make me want to stay home. I really get uncomfortable and achy in those wooden slat seats. The newsletter spoke to how people are now choosing their churches for the social interaction, and when that doesn't meet their needs they just switch churches. I agree to that for sure. On the other side, when we chose this particular church to attend, we did get along with many of the parishiners, their ideas, goals and worship style were to be in transition and we were also excited about that. However many don't like change. I don't know if change will ever come to the congregation. We came to build our faith, in a supportive environment. We didn't choose that church because we wanted everyone to agree with us, but to work together with others to create a stronger faith for all, to find a spiritual home.
In the end, it seems as if the home that was being built, at least to us, had nothing to do with God's message of love one another, and the praising psalms... The newsletter seemed to be directed at us, about what they thought we were after, THE CHANGE... In order to survive your faith evolves, the church evolves. Things and people that are afraid of moving forward wither. Oddly enough most of the people that brought us in to that church are no longer apart of it. I am guessing that others felt the same pain as we had when we wanted to work together, to come together, and praise God in a safe environment. Not one where you would be told to your face that things were wanted, then when you stepped up to help, were shut down, and looked at as if you were not church worthy.
YIKES! Not a place for us! We still like what we were told the church stood for, but I think we are so much better on our own. Praising and practicing our faith each day. Learning and growing at home, and where we are planted. Faith comes from within, it doesn't come from what others think or say, it doesn't come from where you are on Sunday, or who you sit with or what you sing. I've always understood that I wish others did.
There has been a change I have been told I need to make. Actually it is an appointment. I've been told to make, truth be told, I am scared to make the appointment. I am usually alright with facing MOST things. I really, am dreading this one. My Dr. wants another set of xrays that a surgeon can look at. I don't know if they will find anything different or not, but, the thought does exsist in the back of my mind. I've done these before, but evidently they weren't done in a format that surgeons are comfortable looking at or using. FRUSTRATING!
For me the process of getting these xrays done may leave me in bed again for days weeks or months. I am so not excited! They will be looking to see if any of my bones slip around. Well, I already know the answer to that question. YUP!
Each time they do, I have a little more discomfort, they can cause more tingling, more numbness, an irritation that leads to terrible migraine pain, at the very least cramping and pain that will require ice. It isn't that I CAN'T move my neck, it is that my neck is very hard for me to control, makes me tired to hold my head up, and causes me a great deal of pain even when I am not tilting it all directions. But the extension xrays that are needed for the surgeon require the movement.
I am not sure what to do to make this process better. I know my Physical Therapist can move my cervical bones back in to place if my muscles have not flaired up. I will just have to plan ahead I guess. A day that Jason is not working will be a must....
Maybe what they find through the pain will turn in to my gift? I've got to have faith!
My dad lets us borrow his car. It is terribly uncomfortable for me to drive. He doesn't understand. For him the car is so comfortable. It is a nice car. It runs well, doesn't break down, has most amenities available... however the seats do not support my head. They do support his, but he is about six inches shorter than me... I am hyper grateful for the opportunity to have something to drive! Before this I had no choices. I however do not feel safe at all in the car. One small tap from someone not paying attention and horrible things can happen to me.
The Jeep has great seats, as the backs are tall enough for me to rest my head on while sitting straight. But the Jeep is Jason's to drive. I do on occasion drive it.. but it is rare. It is also a five speed, which if my hands, hips, or shoulders are hurting makes it much harder for me to drive it. But I do feel safer in it. I will feel better after driving the Jeep than I do after having driven my father's car.
I know this sounds horriblly ungrateful. It isn't that I am not thrilled that my father has gone out of his way to lend his car to me. He pays for everything, that feels bad. We buy the gas and the oil changes. I wish we could be paying for more. Writing this is so difficult, these are choices that you make. We are so grateful for so many things, for our parents, we know they love us and want the best for us. They also want the best for others as well. Both sets of parents have made sacrifices for us financially. So we could have the freedom to stay afloat, and so we could also help others as well.
It hurts allot to talk about these things. Especially when we would have needed their help a little less if we were to stop helping. I guess that choice is coming up again. I think the answer this time will be that we will place our focus back on ourselves. This time if something happens in someone elses life that will derail us financially. Something that will set us back for helping someone else, instead of getting ourselves in a safer place, and our families in a safer place, the word no will be what we make a plan to say.
Will it be hard? Of course. We hate to see people suffer. We hate to see people who don't have the loveing caring people in their lives that choose to give them a hand up. This time it will have to be someone elses hand to hold. We will be able to help those who've been helping us back before we tackle something else. At least that is our goal. If you don't put your oxygen mask on first, you will never be able to help someone else get theirs back on.
Jason's been working extra jobs just so we can make it. My dad's even picked up some. I know that our other family have adjusted things as well. So have some of our friends. We are blessed, so have the people that we've been able to do something for. I hope they are in a better places now, or will soon be.
In my heart knowing I did what I could do, even if there is no appriciation, will keep me sleeping better at night. And in that department, I will take all the help I can get. Watching the reruns of the icky things that have happened in my life over and over replay in my mind night after night when I can't sleep or in the moments my mind shuts off from idea making.
Just knowing that others are out there who might start having their bad memories replay over and over in their mind if no one helps them. By giving some help, I feel as if I have done something.
Have you ever wanted to find some place in your heart for empathy for someone or something so different than you. Have you ever wanted them to have that empathy for you? Wouldn't the world be a different place if instead of looking at their differences, you would look at them for all of the things that were the same? I wish there were more places like that, more people like that. I truly believe that if people would honor each other, with the grace, courage, and empathy that they would like given to them, that this world would be a much better place.
The gift may not come in the best package... But if you open it appriciate it for why it was given, it will be one of the most beautiful things. Just open your eyes, get rid of the sorry for yourself or the things you need to move beyond. My dad's car is a gift! Our girls are a gift! Our dogs are a gift! So is our faith!
Our girls from other lands are out making a difference. They chose to look outside themselves, to learn about others, and now they are each begining to make their mark! It is so exciting to know that you knew them when! We are so proud of their choices! We can't wait to see what the future holds!
What can you do? Face what you might find to be painful. Do what someone else would benefit from. You have more inside you than you think!
For God so loved this world... shouldn't you?