Friday, May 29, 2009

wAiTiNg FoR wEiGhTiNg HoW LoNg WiLL iT Be?

Riding a bike! The day before my car accident almost five complete years ago, I was out riding my bike having the time of my life. Ok, so I am not the best bike rider. But I had aspirations... Jason loves to ride his bike and he is actually good at it. Growing up on the farm with gravel roads doesn't lend itself to becoming an excelent cyclist. I had lived in town for 1st and 2nd grade... the bike that I had then was actually my dad's bike. So, there I would be riding around our little town, on an adult bike that was WAYYYYYY to big for me. Hey, it worked!

Swimming was like that too, for entertainment growing up we would run through the sprinklers, not go to the pool. So I never felt as if I could swim. I later joined swim team as a very old teen. I was the worst on the team, but I did it so I could be a better swimmer. I am so thankful that I did that. I was always scared to death of swimming. I still can't open my eyes underwater. I don't dive well at all, I am certainly not fish worthy. But, can I swim across a pool? Can I do several swimming strokes? CERTAINLY. Now I am limited by my energy leval as to what I can do but swimming is a gift I gave myself.

I wish biking were the same. While not being the best biker on the planet, I sure did enjoy riding. It was something that Jason and I would do together. We had even gotten a bike rack so we could take them along when we would go somewhere. I would dream of being like the bmx kids jumping mounds and spinning their wheels. Yes, deep inside I am probably a thrill seeker. On the outside though, at least most of the time, I like to keep my feet on the ground.

While growing up, I was a work hard play hard girl. I would be up doing outdoor animal chores, before school, I must admit most of the time unwillingly... I loved my horses, cow, dog etc, but I also loved my sleep, and my warm environment especially in the winter. Breaking the ice so they could have water to drink was not on the list of things that I loved doing. But riding and loving my horses was a gift, a dream, a freedom! It was worth the price.

Today I find the price for some things is too high to pay, for other things I find myself continuing to evaluate and conjure up ways to make it happen even though the price may be high. Jason really helps me evaluate the price of things. His price often times for me seems to be higher than mine. He places a higher value on my not hurting than I do. For example, he knows that if I drive any of our vehicles, that I will be worse for it and that price is too high when he could be doing the driving so that I would feel better and be able to do more fun things with him.

He would rather I feel my best the most. He gets frustrated with me for doing things that MAY cause me to feel to exhausted later, or that MIGHT make me have more pain. I do love him allot for that! REALLY I DO!

For me, I find that sometimes the price is RIGHT. Ok, so like today, I drove myself to my Physical Therapy Appointment. I can I EARNED MY DRIVERS LICENCE! Woo Hoo! Although I don't drive very much by Jason's choice and much by mine. Today I had these appointments, I needed to go so I can get stronger, and feel better. My Physical Therapy is helping me. If you were to see me do it, you would think to yourself, geesh big weenie! Your therapist has to help you even on the lowest setting. WELL YEAH, she does. But maybe in a week or two or three or more I will be doing it on my own, and eventually I won't even be on the lowest setting!

The feeling of having my hip not solid or my shoulder bones move around and feel disconnected is a feeling I would really like to never have again. The price to pay for this is driving myself and being physically exhausted or it could possibly be getting stuck in the city not being able to drive myself home. I really am focused on doing well, not only with my driving, my therapy, but also in the quality of the things that I do.

If I do my best I am happy! Even if it seems as I might have failed or come up short to others. Being honest with myself is difficult, I often find that in my mind an arguement will form. Example: folding laundry, I really don't mind doing the laundry. But when I do get tired, and have just pulled things from the dryer, (by the way it wasn't long ago that I couldn't even do that with out straining something) I have to really push myself to get the things folded. Sometimes I find that my arms are so heavy and hurt so bad that it makes me want to quit and live with the wrinkly clothes. After all no one else in this house cares about wrinkly clothes.

I find myself wanting to just fold up a pair of pants with out lining them up well, or with out turning down the cuff or not turning things from inside out to right side out. Or to leave the top buttons undone because my hands hurt. I have done these things, after all getting something folded is better than not. But I am not happy with myself if I felt I could have done it better. I feel so satisfied with myself even if I hurt a little more if I did it the best I could. Sometimes that means asking someone else to do it, other times, it means, drying them again or a whole new wash cycle since holding a scalding hot iron isn't the best choice for me the girl who drops things.... Which I really hate to do, but it is better than wearing a piece of clothing that displays promenately I don't give a crap. If I were camping in a tent, I might not care...

Even before this, my mother instilled quality in what I did, while I was not always enthusiastic or cooperative she did her best. ( I wish she could see me now.) My dad always did the same with his acts as well, it was very often I was schooled in the art of Musk Thistle cutting and bagging or irrigating, hauling pipe, feeding the cattle, or driving the tractor. You had to do it right or bad things can happen. In some cases there would be no second chance.

I learned the hard way too... Some of us learn that way the best... this way hurts the most, not only ourselves but those around us. Many of these lessons are too painful to want to talk about.

My business with Mary Kay has been no exception. I suppose this is why I am in business 17 years later, dispite all of the hit's I've taken. One of the person's mentoring me with my MK business expected excellence, in fact she pretty much demanded it. She wouldn't recognize less, wouldn't compromise, and really pushed for the most out of you. I wasn't always up for it, but I did grow, with her leadership style, I persevered, and I pushed myself not for her but for myself.

There is something inside me that strives for excellence. Not something that is competing with other people, it is a competition with myself. I am happy with myself already, I am always looking for improvement, but I certainly don't need it to be happy.

I am often puzzled by others, unhappiness within themselves. They say they are unhappy about things, or don't like things about themselves, but are yet unwilling or not able to do something to change. They are constantly looking for the change outside themselves. They try to push things that others are to be more in line with what they are so they will justify feeling better about the things that they hate.

I hesitate to write about this topic following what I just shared... But as usual, I do this with no intent of offending or pointed at no one specifically. I have lost allot of weight reciently, I know that weight issues are an extremely hot topic. Being thinner than I was is nifty I must say. A dream come true? Not really, I never really thought of myself looking different than this. Even though I was heavier, when I would see myself in the mirror, I never picked myself apart, I always saw my body as just right. I do have to say that my main frustrations about being heavier had to do with the ease of which I was able to get in and out of bed (since that is where I seem to live most days), crossing my legs (It had gotten difficult to do.) and my thighs rubbing together creating a rash when I would wear skirts with out nylons. Ok, that was more than most people wanted to know, I realize.

I would see pictures of myself, and think, hmmm I am a little heavier I guess, or wow, is that what I really looked like that day?? Wow, I never noticed, I was so happy that day and all of these great things were going on, it never occured to me to be self consious of my weight.

That being said, I was headed down a slippery unhealthy slope. I know that people with physical limitations especially have an extremely difficult time recovering from weight gains, and the health ramifications that go along with them. I see this with able bodied people as well. So when a concern was presented about a long term health issue with me I decided, Hey! I am not going on this path! Not with out a strong effort on my part to bring my body into balence! I became dissatisfied, I had never before expressed discontent with my size publicly or privately.

I am and have been committed to doing everything I can to living the best life I can. That means doing all that I can to stay as healthy as I can. This brought along a whole new search for me... I was looking for vitamins primarily, and as it is difficult for me to track what I eat, and measure everything and count, it is also difficult for me to stand and make a meal for any lenghth of time.

I have grown to love cooking, over the past several years, I am even pretty good at it. But the physical aspect of it takes a tole on my body that means I am not able to do many other things. I won't go in to the specifics of what I did at least not now. If you want to know you are welcome to ask me, I am happy to share, in fact I have. But I know that what ever type of thing that you choose to do to change something, in fact to change anything in your life, that you must be true to that, that you must persist, you must not give up and you must do everything you can to keep yourself on track.

So many people give up in the middle of the pain of change. They never follow through, they never give it their all. They just give it a thought, a short effort, or an inconsistant try. In order to make the change whether it be what time you wake up in the morning, reaping a successful harvest with a garden, learning to swim, riding a bike, or loosing weight, you must persist consistantly through the most painful parts to ultimately bring about that change in yourself.

Sharing this reminds me, I am not able to change ANYONE ELSE! It is up to them to decide what they want out of life and to go get it. However, I will be anyone's biggest cheerleader when they tackle something that is hard for them.

Reciently a friend of mine posted on her Facebook status that she is going chocolate free for a week and wanted to make the announcement publicly to help her stick to her goal. Some of the first comments she recieved were, why would you do that? Impossible chocolate is crutial to your life, and others. I had written, You can do it! Go for it! I am here for you! I don't care why she wanted to give up chocolate, it might just be so that she could prove to herself that she could, maybe she had something different in mind, I don't know.

Then the sad reality crept in of the sabatoge her "friends" tried. I really don't know why. I can only imagine as well, but I guess they would rather see her fail than succeed, and that they must feel pretty crappy about themselves to try to bring someone down to their leval.

Hey, I love chocolate as much as the next girl! But part of me loving it means that I don't need it! I don't depend on it, I just love to enjoy it!

I am so proud of her! She went her week! She did it! And she posted it on her Facebook status! WAY TO GO! Girl You Rock! You held true to yourself! Others unsupportive oppinions didn't influence you to give it up, in fact I bet they pushed you to do it!

I love it!

I know I unknowingly have said things that werent' as supportive as they could have been. I am sure we all have. I really try not to be a downer. I think that is something that is in the hurts the most catagory. I have of course admitted when I have caught myself and done all that I could to make things right. But it doesn't take the pain away for me. It does remind me to keep going and keep pushing myself to do my best.

Someday I won't be changing anymore. But I guess that will be the day that I am brought before God. Until then I welcome it, even though I might not always like doing it.

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