Sunday, September 19, 2010

LoVe… iNteGriTy… dEtErMiNaTiOn… WhO kNeW?

I’ve been remembering, something I choose not to do very often.  I’ve been thinking of the things I thought my life would be like while in high school.  I know for some people the mere mention of those words causes shivers.  Me.. not so much.  I enjoyed it for the most part, more than most and less than some.  But it isn’t a traumatic time in my life. 

I remember thoughts I had about growing up.  I always imagined I’d be working at something I loved.  I never really imagined having a family.  Not that I didn’t want one, but for me I had a greater passion for working at something, building something, seeing something grow.  I loved public speaking.  I wasn’t overly good at it, better than most and not as good as some.  I was just an average kid.  I’ve never really been anything extra-ordinary. 

Well, except in the determination department.  That department of my life, persistence and determination, and an enthusiasm for things I enjoyed doing or had set my mind to accomplish.  I’d say I have an abundance of those three traits.  I guess that is why I enjoyed sales so much.  It is also why I have difficulty giving up at things.  I have a desire to keep going even though things may seem impossible.  I think I was born with this.  I know it drove my mother crazy. 

Seeing people left out of things was also something that I didn’t like, so I’d constantly be trying to include everyone in my endeavors.  I guess that is what made me successful at Mary Kay.  I was having such a glorious time, I thought everyone else shouldn’t miss out on it.  We did have fun it was fabulous while it lasted. 

I never really thought much about getting married.  I wasn’t one of those girls.  Although I always seemed to be able to find a boyfriend if I wanted one around.  Looking back I realize lots of things.  I probably hurt some feelings, unintentionally of course, but none the less hurt some.  Teenagers are not so quick to notice subtle things.  Do I wish my life ended up different in the romance department.  Absolutely not.  Jason rocks! 

The moment before I walked out to say “I Do” I asked myself if I really wanted this.  I probably haven’t mentioned this before, Jason knows.  I had made a list of all of the traits I wanted in a spouse.  Before I married him I went down my list and wouldn’t you know, Jason had all of those qualities.  I’d had this list for 10 years at least.  How crazy is that?  I’d continually add to my list, I had heard of others making lists or posters of the things that they wanted in their lives and how those things had come to fruition.  My list eventually got put in a drawer and forgotten about.  I recall having to do some digging to find it.  But the words on my list were still there when I found it and they had been in my mind all of those years as well.  He matched! 

I was happy, his choice to be with me is a gift.  I was and still am crazy for him.  At the moment of “I Do” and now almost 12 years later.  I’ve learned a lot.  I’ve learned that I made an excellent choice in my husband.  I am not so sure he ended up with the best deal in me.  1/2 of our marriage I’ve spent recovering/trying to survive that stupid car accident.  He’s taken care of me, what ever it has taken, he’s done it.  He doesn’t complain.  He does what he has to no matter what.  He has never once walked out on me.  I am sure he has thought about it!  It really has been a horrible six years for him.

Growing up I would have never imagined I wouldn’t be working, I would be sitting in bed most of my days, and I’d be spending more time online than actually with people.  I never imagined I’d have to be taken care of, that I wouldn’t be a bread winner, that I would be helpless and not able to drive.  I really hate depending on others.  I have a desire to be independent, and I’ve had lots of learning to do. 

When Jason married me I know that he didn’t sign on to do it all by himself.  But here he is six years later doing just that.  I loved him at “I Do” somehow I feel the love that I had for him back then is nothing compared to the love I have for him now.  He is quite simply amazing.  I know that what he has had to do for me has come at a price. 

If I look at my friends relationships, I think most of them have struggles that they would have never imagined for themselves.  I guess that is what makes life interesting.  When you are in high school there is no preparation given to having an less than ideal life.  At least for me I grew up sheltered and groomed and prepared to have the life of my dreams. 

It has been a hard reality, I never thought my dreams would be handed to me, I always knew I’d be working for them.  However I never imagined (naively so) that they would literally be slammed out of my life. 

Helplessness for anyone can be a hard pill to swallow.  One of the things I have learned to do is to be as independent as I can be even thought most aspects of my life still leave me feeling helpless.  With where I am at now in my “recovery” I dress myself, choose when and what I eat, I can go to the store (thanks to my donated scooter), get around our house, get the mail, mail something, learn online, connect with others online.  Travel a little while in the car, encourage others, blog, send out cards, go for a walk (thanks to Luka), do some of the dishes, occasionally do some laundry, fold the laundry, occasionally make meals, pick up the counters and tables…. there really are lots of things I can do.   Some fun things too.. take pictures, ride on the back of a two-seat bicycle, hang out occasionally with friends, knit (well I am learning) … I can do many other things to, except they will usually leave me with problems later..  some of these things will to, I just never know.

But it is worth doing what ever I am able.  It is worth it to me to have the feelings of accomplishment the success of physically doing what I can even though it doesn’t compare to before 2004 it is a huge improvement from 2004-5-6-7-8-9…  It is what Jason will not have to do and it is my gift to him. 

I don’t know how we’ve managed to keep our marriage.  I think it is due to his courage, his love, his fight, and his willingness to forgo his pride, and his dreams, in order to care for me.  He gives up lots to stay in our marriage.  He is unselfish and my hero. 

Right now he is working again…. one of those extra jobs.  He is also sick with a cold.  A cold that started off mild, and with two nights of not sleeping has turned into a nightmare.   He will come home to sleep and I will do my best to drive him nuts by taking care of him the best I can.  =D 

Jason doesn’t think any of this is funny.  He is not amused.  But he is a hell of a man.  He is an even more amazing husband.  I did a great job in choosing to marry him.  I can only hope he feels the same way about me. 

While I would have never in a million years dreamed this dream for my life in high school.  I have always been able to make the best of a bad situation, just like my Grandma P.  I am happy.  I choose to be. 

I think I need to make some more life lists.  I’d really like my life to continue on the path of improvement in a direction of our choosing!

Blessings and Hugs,

Pink Doberman

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