rEaLiZaTiOn.. SaLvAgE tHe bEsT!

So I was catching up on a little reading tonight.  I've been neglecting to read several of the blogs I have subscribed to.  Which is perfectly fine as they aren't going anywhere!  =)!

I have either been in to much pain or to busy trying to get things done around here, and today I went out twice and drove once! (An Unexpected Blessing!)  Not very far, but I got out on my own with Luka!  More on that later.

While reading the blogs I came across this one.  Kara Swanson's Brain Injury Blog.  This post struck me today. 
I hope you will take a minute to check it out. 

If you have read her post then the rest of this will make more sense.  For the longest time I held on to my life.  Held on to the hope of having it back.  I still do I guess.  Emotionally that is.  I need to let that girl go and bury her.  Start over fresh.  

My mom passed, and the three of us girls did that.  Dad told us what was important to him, and we took care of the rest.  We were immediate about it.  While it was not easy, it was cathartic.  We each saved what made us happy.  The rest of her life was gifted to others donated or sold.  My dad moved on dramatically as well.  He had a period of struggling to find a proper age appropriate way to move on, but he figured it out with a little help {Wink} and is doing well. 

Are you ever over loosing someone?  I don't think so, but you are able to move on a make a new life for yourself.  When I was given the opinion from the Dr.'s that I was going to be better in 2 Days 2 Weeks and 2 Years..  time kept going on and so did my hope to return to my life.  YEARS WENT BY... Hope held on.  Finally I looked at my Doc.  I said.  I am not going to ever be like I was am I?  He finally said that I was not. 

I think I was at 4 -5 years into this when he told me that.  I was sick.  Emotionally sick, but Emotionally relieved as well.  I had been fighting this whole time to get that life back.  All of the energy I had was focused on the past.  Focused on getting back to that.  Time had gone on.  Even if I could physically get back together, I would never have "that" life back. 

And at this point I didn't even really have a life to hold on to at that moment.  Not of my own.  But I did with the relationship with my husband.  So I hang on to that as I try build one for myself.  I miss who I was.  I am hopeful that who I am becoming will mean something. 

I have lost myself before.  This is the second time.  It is hard to salvage and move on. 

Who I am changed each time.  Who I had to be was different.  Who I will be will be different. 

But I will also be exactly the same. 

Thanks Kara for sharing your story.

Blessings,

Pink Doberman

aBiLiTy

When I started this blog originally, years ago, it was for the gals that I serviced through my Mary Kay business.  Just some things to let them know why I was not coming around those days.  I was not really going anywhere except to the Doctors.

I can say that these days while I am not really out gallivanting around at all.. but I do go out more for other things, or at least I try to be able to.. and as I did and do I get questions from strangers and questions from those who'd known me from before.  I just as well have been strangers to them all.  As no one really knew what happened with me.  Some people thought I'd just moved, or other things.

It is nice to know I was not the subject of gossip around town.  =)!  While I don't mind answering questions at all, I just get so dang tired when I go out and some days I have the energy to spend standing and chatting, other days I really don't.  I need to get done what I need and get myself back home to rest.

So, figuring out how to share my story, became a little more important for me.  I soon learned about a friend who wrote a blog.  I started checking hers out.  Actually she has a couple of them.  I really did not have much more experience with them than that.

Somehow when I started, it was scary for me to put this out there "publicly".  But then the more I learned and experienced, my fear never really disappeared I guess the reason for doing it just got stronger. I have learned of so many others who have or are going through the same things as I am.

These people are struggling just as I am.  Not only with the physical or emotional issues associated with their health, but with people's attitude toward them.

Every person has the ability to be judgmental or assume.  I do.  Stereotypes and preconceived notions play a large part in peoples lives.  They use these things to help them feel safe, superior, or comfortable with where they are at in their lives. 

I have to say I have always been a person who really did try to treat everyone the same.  I said tried.  Because I am sure I failed on that in many occasions.  I probably will continue to fail, but I will also keep on trying.

So I am writing this to help give another perspective to those who go about their daily lives thinking of themselves and where they are at personally.  Or for those who don't really know anyone with difficulties.  Or to help them understand what someone whom they know is going through but can not put it into words.

I know I am still finding the words to describe what I am feeling and going through.  It is hard.  It is hard to be honest with myself too.  I understand more clearly than I ever did before how many people of the past must have felt when they were discriminated against or treated differently because of something that they had no control over.  I am grateful for all they did to make life easier on me today!  While there is more to be done... LB 858    I am still grateful.

I have always had friends who had differing abilities.  Some used wheel chairs to get around, others could get around without aid but often fell, some had speech differences, others had mental differences.  I have always believed they were here for a reason just as I was.  No different, just different reasons.

I was their friend, still am!  But I thought about it and realized it would have really helped me to understand their perspective as well.  I understood, but I didn't.  I realized this one time when I had broke my foot years back.  I was on crutches and at times a wheel chair.  The difficulties I personally experienced using a wheel chair in public were life altering.  ( I won't go into those now, but I do encourage you to borrow a simple chair, and for three days try and go everywhere in it.  See how easy that is.)
During my time in the chair Jason pushed me around like a champ!  Yeah, I was a weenie after having been on crutches hoping around.. pushing those wheels was impossible.  My arms were like jelly!

In addition to being in a chair, you often become invisible.  Kids are taught not to stare.. and then they turn into adults who do not even acknowledge your presence.  So weird.  There is a difference between not staring at someone and saying hi with your eyes.  Give it a try, even for just a little bit.  Use one of those carts at a large store or mall, and do your shopping from that.  (Please do not take the last cart, but do give it a try, for experiments sake)

Do your part in changing how you respond. You never know if someday that will be you sitting in the chair without a choice.  AND Yes, there are even grumpy and unhappy people with differing abilities.. some are nice and some aren't.  I know!  They truly are just like everyone else.  Give them the same chance!

Oddly enough with Luka I am not ignored... without him I am while in a chair.  With him I am not.. or rather he is not.. It is so weird.  The Service Dog changes the equation.  I am alright with that.  It is a built in safety feature for me.  One I will gladly accept.  One day I may explain my theory further however at this time I am not ready to do so.
 
(Since child hood I have walked around with my eyes shut around my house.  I am pretty good at it.  I wanted to realize how it felt to be blind.)  Occasionally while having migraines, this has helped me cope.
 
Give yourself a different ability (disability) just for a few days.  See how that works for you.
I guess that is my challenge to you for today.   Please share your experience with me!

So I guess with this blog I am hoping to spread some understanding along with giving myself some therapy so I can work out my difficulties.  I am learning along with this as well.  I don't have all of the answers.  I am learning right along with everyone else.  I am just out here trying to be the best me I can be.

I think so many of us are in that place.  I always have believed that I was put on this earth for a reason.  For a long time I had no understanding of what that reason was.  For the years prior to the accident, I had found my calling.  I was here to help others be the best they can be.  In order to do that I also had to push myself to be the best I could be as well. 

I guess it is still true.  I feel my best while helping others.  So that is why I am continuing on with my blog.  Why I feel such an overwhelming desire to type these words. 

I am not a writer.  I am not good with grammar or spelling.  I am just one person.  I am not extra ordinary, I am just real.  I am trying to make it through my life as gracefully as possible, and have a positive impact on others while I do this.

Blessings,
Pink Doberman