Thursday, April 15, 2010

rEaLiZaTiOn.. SaLvAgE tHe bEsT!

So I was catching up on a little reading tonight.  I've been neglecting to read several of the blogs I have subscribed to.  Which is perfectly fine as they aren't going anywhere!  =)!

I have either been in to much pain or to busy trying to get things done around here, and today I went out twice and drove once! (An Unexpected Blessing!)  Not very far, but I got out on my own with Luka!  More on that later.

While reading the blogs I came across this one.  Kara Swanson's Brain Injury Blog.  This post struck me today
I hope you will take a minute to check it out. 

If you have read her post then the rest of this will make more sense.  For the longest time I held on to my life.  Held on to the hope of having it back.  I still do I guess.  Emotionally that is.  I need to let that girl go and bury her.  Start over fresh.  

My mom passed, and the three of us girls did that.  Dad told us what was important to him, and we took care of the rest.  We were immediate about it.  While it was not easy, it was cathartic.  We each saved what made us happy.  The rest of her life was gifted to others donated or sold.  My dad moved on dramatically as well.  He had a period of struggling to find a proper age appropriate way to move on, but he figured it out with a little help {Wink} and is doing well. 

Are you ever over loosing someone?  I don't think so, but you are able to move on a make a new life for yourself.  When I was given the opinion from the Dr.'s that I was going to be better in 2 Days 2 Weeks and 2 Years..  time kept going on and so did my hope to return to my life.  YEARS WENT BY... Hope held on.  Finally I looked at my Doc.  I said.  I am not going to ever be like I was am I?  He finally said that I was not. 

I think I was at 4 -5 years into this when he told me that.  I was sick.  Emotionally sick, but Emotionally relieved as well.  I had been fighting this whole time to get that life back.  All of the energy I had was focused on the past.  Focused on getting back to that.  Time had gone on.  Even if I could physically get back together, I would never have "that" life back. 

And at this point I didn't even really have a life to hold on to at that moment.  Not of my own.  But I did with the relationship with my husband.  So I hang on to that as I try build one for myself.  I miss who I was.  I am hopeful that who I am becoming will mean something. 

I have lost myself before.  This is the second time.  It is hard to salvage and move on. 

Who I am changed each time.  Who I had to be was different.  Who I will be will be different. 

But I will also be exactly the same. 

Thanks Kara for sharing your story.


Pink Doberman

No comments: