Thursday, March 31, 2011

MR. Robinson

Waking up this morning I am headed off to do something that I've known was coming but wished wouldn't have ever happened.

We have the most lovely neighbors.  Each one.  Even though we don't know some as well as others.  We live in a fantastic neighborhood.  One that watches out for one another and while we all aren't overly social, we are all neighborly nosy.

Not in a bad way, just in an I am paying attention to make sure that you are alright way.  No gossip, just genuine concern.  It is simple really, we all like where we live and we like who lives by us.

And change for our little "hood" is hard.  This week it changed.  One of our oldest and most heroic and most loved neighbors has passed away. 

I can't help but think of his wife today, she is quite heroic herself.  Without going into more details, I will just simply say that in spite of everything, she was at her husbands side nearly everyday while he was in the nursing home eating meals with him and spending time with him.  It was a lovely thing to see.  It is a rare quality these days.  Maybe not for their generation, but for many to come it is going to be. 

I am lucky to have seen this first hand in my own life.  My grand parents did this as well as my parents.  I am the luckiest girl in the world that I have also found this amazing quality in my spouse. 

Change is hard.  It is hard when it happens fast and it is hard when it happens slow and you have time to plan.  I don't know which is worse. 

Change is ever constant.  The only security we really have is that we get choose how we feel and for the most part what we do in each moment as it passes.  All of the planing, dreaming, and saving for the future does nothing if your moments run out.

To survive the changes, to be proactive in setting your life up to change, you must be mentally prepared for it.  Or when it happens you must be willing to move on.  For some of us, it can take a while.  If you've been following my blog since the beginning you will know that I've not always been the most graceful at change.  I've fought it.  I've tried to hold on to the comforts of what I had planned and loved. 

In the end what I loved most was my marriage.  I still have that.  I let everything else go.  Sometimes there are choices to be made.  Prices to pay, when change happens.  I am still going through changes, we all are.  My neighbor will be going through some pretty big ones.  I sit here typing, and hoping that she will be strong enough to make it through them. 

I also sit here typing as my life is still changing, and I hope that I too will be strong enough to make it through the changes that are to come.  In a grace filled manner.  Grace is often something I find lacking in myself.  I am more like a bumbling bull in a china shop.  The harder I try to be careful the more I end up breaking.

When I earned my first MK car, I had to do a lot of changing.  The year my mother passed which was before this blog started was within the same time period of nine-eleven and when Mary Kay Ash also passed... That was an amazingly trying time for me.  But some how those things propelled me.  Forward to working harder and smarter and living a fuller life.

Mentally mostly, and in my actions as well, but it was mostly a mental game for me.  When I've lost my MK International business, I felt broken, lost and sick.  When I lost my U.S. MK business, I was nearly done for.  I lost my ability to control my body, my freedoms, and my mental awareness due to the amount of medications I was on to control my physical pain. 

Activities limited.  Life seemingly cut short.  Wanting to die myself.  I was in Hell.  The only thing that kept me going was that Jason was here for me.  While I really did not want to I finally did accept all of the changes that had taken place.  I did accept that my life might be lived from a bed lying flat for the rest of my life, and that my life might only involve trips to the Dr. and the ER. 

I held out hope, and it set out to start diminishing... I'd try this, and I'd try that...  Each suggestion offered I did not roll my eyes at, I just tried it. 

You might wonder why I am writing this now.  Well the heroic man who lived next door often found himself doing much of the same thing I am doing.  I am not calling him a hero for this, he truly was a decorated hero.  But I think he was one also for the consistent fight he showed in his life as well.  He went through unseen difficulties.  And literally so.  He didn't like where he was, but he was full of grace, most moments of the day.  He had learned to live with change, while he didn't like it may not have embraced it he did what he needed to do to survive it.  To do so with love in his life and love for those around him. 

I think that is one of the most courageous things. 

As far as change goes, as long as I am alive and far past the time I am gone there is one thing that is consistent and that is change.  I am trying to embrace it.  Sometimes I do this well and other times..

I may need some extra prayers.

Wishing you all of God's Grace and Mercy Mr. Robinson.

Pink Doberman

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