RaMbLiNgS iN tHe MiDdLe Of ThE nIgHt~

As I write this in the middle of the night not being able to sleep yet again. I thought I'd actually take this time to do a little writing.

Yesterday one of my lifetime icons passed away. Oddly enough, other things happened yesterday as well that stick in my mind. Farrah died yesterday, I grew up watching her on Charlies Angel's and of course was heart broken when she left, I also adore Cheryl Ladd who became her replacement.

For some reason she stuck with me over the years, maybe it was because of her hair... I even have a bust of her that I got as a child, you could cut her hair, and put makeup on her. Looking back that may have been one of the things that made me excited about Mary Kay. I no longer have the makeup that came with her, but of all the childhood toys that I had, that one is the one that I have kept. I kept her and a doll, named Darcy, that doll was a fuller bodied version of a Barbie. Being a big fan of a movie star is something I grew out of pretty rapidly.

There are very few people, let alone movie stars that I have a very deep amount of respect for. I respect many, some of the people that I hold in the highest regard are:

• my parents, who might not have done everything right, but did their very best raising me.
• Jason who's quiet, laid back nature, gives me strength stability, and lots of unconditional love. It is great to be his wife, there is so much to learn from his personal character, that can easily go unnoticed. He is fun, funny, and smart and one of the most outstanding people I know.
• Mary Kay Ash, she persevered through so many obstacles, and kept a positive attitude and kept trucking along, and she did so by lifting others up along with her. I really admire those qualities.
• Many other Mary Kay women, including Joyce, Rena, Stacy, Amy, Ava, Trish, Karen, and many more I am sure that I just can't think of right now. These women strive/strived for excellence, while helping others be their best too. For me things have never been about the money, that was a perk, but when you can help someone else do something they never thought they could do, there is a great joy that grows inside you. Each of these women and many more, helped me grow, not only in my Mary Kay life, but in my personal life.
• As a child growing up, Icon's such as Farrah and Suzanne, while playing roles that were stereotypical, would make it work to their advantage, and seemingly come out on top. In their real lives it was harder, the challenges stronger... I am blond, not a bombshell by any means, but blond enough to be stereo typed, and smart enough to realize it. These women were too. While I may not ever agree with every thing anyone does, I admire so much the people who go through this life on their terms, who don't accept less of themselves, or those around them, who love unconditionally, and accept defeats as growth moments. Both of these women did/do even though I don't want to walk their path. I am walking my own.
• Friends Jen and Brent, who also give unconditionally, who teach, encourage, and power through, while doing things right!
• My sisters and cousin and many more, who, just love me no matter what, even if they might not like me at the time!
• Jean and Mike, who I would have never chosen to live my life like, but I admired them for their courage walking their own path, even though I believe that it led to their destruction. Neither of them let others put them in a box. They were both profound people, who will be missed as great friends from my childhood.
• Anita Hill, she stood up, while late, and seemingly without reason at the end... it seemed to me. Except for the fact that just for standing up and saying what happened was wrong, tremendously impacted my life. I knew I could stand up too! I will always be grateful to her.
• Rosa Parks, she had courage, and strength, at a time when it mattered.
• Ronald Regan who treasured and valued his wife and her opinions, even in controversy.
• My Grandmother who even though some would say she had nothing, she had everything!
• My Granddad, who was wrong about something very important, I loved him more, anyway!
• ........ the list goes on and on!

I watch so many people who are afraid to live up to their potential. Who won't grab on to something and stick with it through thick and thin, truly giving something everything they had. They let things inside them stop them, everyone has set backs, but when you let those set backs determine your destiny, I feel sorry for them.

I have been plunking along an unknown path for a while. I had given my Mary Kay business all that I had, even through out the past 5 years, there did come a point a while back where the choices no longer became mine. I had gone as far down the path as I could with out starting almost completely over. I contemplated that, I still do to some degree, wonder, should I start down the path again? I loved it.

Lately I have been feeling compelled to start on a different path. In a Barbra Walters interview, Farrah mentioned having stopped being on the hit show because she became bored, it didn't stimulate her, it wasn't pushing her and she wasn't growing. Or something to that effect. That is something that sticks with me. While I know if I got every thing all lined up again to go down that path, I could do it. Even with the difficulties of the last 5 years.

Physically I would have to have help, I would need a driver, and someone to carry my things, as well as someone to help me remember the little things I seem to forget. But I know how to do it! I know how to teach others to do it, I know how to motivate others. But would I be stimulated enough to be satisfied?

That question along with the resources to actually make my business's happen to the point of me being satisfied and stimulated is not something that is pursue able at the moment. There is no money for someone to help me do these things, other's have said, can't Jason drive me around, yes, and he does! But Jason is very busy doing all that he can just so we can survive, without becoming homeless. When he is not doing that, which isn't often at all, he needs to rest, or do something that recharges his batteries. If I am going to have a husband that lives long enough to grow old with me, which is what I want, I need to take as good of care of him as I can.

Another thing that happened yesterday, I saw on TV, a mother, fessing up to a hit and run, in which she killed another mother. I don't know all of the circumstances or anything like that. She turned herself in the day after. She woke up told her children good by, and took herself to the police station. While there is much fault with her driving off. For not sticking around, and for waiting til the next day to turn herself in. She got to say good by to her kids, which is more than the mother she hit with her vehicle got to do.

To say I admire her for pleading guilty, for admitting what she did was wrong... I don't think admire is the right word at all. I've never been in that situation. I pray to God that I never will be in any situation as horrible as that or even close to it. I work very hard not to cause other's pain. It doesn't mean I don't sometimes do things that hurt people, but an intent to damage certainly isn't there. Things may go through a person's mind about what to do or not, some of which are not so pleasant.

At any rate. She did turn herself in. In turning herself in she is also admitting what she's done. She isn't hiding behind an attorney, or not speaking at all, instead she is talking about it, apologizing for it and being extremely remorseful. I can't help but think that, but doing that she is also helping herself, helping her family, and most importantly helping the family that she damaged by giving them opportunity to grieve and come to some sort of closure eventually.

Being outraged by someones actions, being repelled by something that someone has done, is easy to do. I have found myself in that situation repeatedly. I am sure I have done things that other's might find personally or not personally offensive, or at the very least disagreeable to their standards, and values. Each of us is different. We have each been raised differently, we each think differently, we each want different things, and we each value different things.

Thank God for that! Through diversity comes conflict, through diversity also comes understanding and all things good. What is going on in Iran at this moment, is a perfect example, there was a point that people could have agreed to disagree. Transparency, is something that aids in that. Transparency is not at all what is happening there. A huge cover up is taking place. It is damaging to everyone involved, and to the reputations of Islam, and to people on both sides. While I am not a believer in Islam, many of the things I do understand about it, would lead me to believe that this is not the way things should be worked out according to it.

Sometimes, things become so painful, so personally hitting home, that while there is forgiveness, what has been done, seems so personally painful, that whom ever created that action may be pushed away, or not allowed back in a close manner into someones life. I find that I do this. For me not because there isn't forgiveness, or understanding, but through learning from my past, letting people back into my life who've caused damage, I have found for me not to be healthy for me to function. Hurt me once... you will be kept at arms distance. Do something that hurts me me deeply... you will be out of my daily life. I don't function well, around people whom I don't trust. I am not at my best, there for I can't give my best. I don't want to be on guard with people, I do not feel free to live my life if I feel as if I have to be looking for ways to protect myself from someone else's actions or words.

It doesn't mean I don't want the best for them. Or that I don't forgive them for things. Or in some cases, it is just an agree to disagree issue, that hits to close to home for me. People can change, people can learn from their mistakes, they can grow, and they can move on. I make mistakes, as everyone does. While I don't like admitting when I've made a mistake, if I feel as if I have made a mistake, you will get an I am sorry I made a mistake. This is difficult for me to do, but I feel worse knowing someone else might be hurting from something I have done.

They can choose to accept my apology or not, either way. That is out of my control, but doing what I can control is all that I can ask of myself. That is all I believe anyone can do.

There was a person who caused my accident almost 5 years ago. I know he didn't mean to. From the moment I saw him pull out in front of me, there was no anger directed at him from me. I am angry that this happened to me, I am frustrated, I feel helpless, I feel emotional and physical pain. I feel the most pain for Jason who has to helplessly watch as I suffer. Having watched many people in my life suffer through physical challenges, I understand some of the frustration and anger that he feels.

This year coming up is hard for me. This was to be the year that I retired him. Or at least gave him the financial freedom to stop working if he chose to. I was working a plan, our debt would have been gone, I figured with the growth my three business's were experiencing even on a conservative track, that the debt would have been gone, and I would have been earning on a very consistent basis more than we were both bringing in at the time of the accident.

While I was never one of those people who were going to shoot to the top, I was consistently improving, step by step, day by day, and dollar by dollar. Even in today's economy, the businesses that I had are excelling. I would have had at least 2 offspring directors in Brasil, and a much larger unit here in the US if not a director or two. I was building my way to the top of the Mary Kay system. I wasn't doing it for the money, but I was doing it for the choices that I could offer my family.

Offering Jason the opportunity to work or not was something we'd talked about, something we were both working for. One of our girls is now a director in Brasil, we are so proud of her! She did it anyway. The two that I had selected to work with in Brasil, are both Directors! I am so proud! My girls did it! I helped them create a stronger future for themselves. I wish I could continue to be a part of it! I was able to help others as well. I feel great about that too!

There are so many things that I feel bad about, that were out of my control. I am one by one letting them go. Coming to terms with their death if you will, and building my life in other directions.

I don't give up, that is something that has made this transition so hard for me. I work very hard to see things through. It isn't something that comes naturally or easy for me. But it is a commitment that I made to myself. I think it is one of the things I value most about myself. It is also the thing I value so much in others as well! Farrah did not give up! I am not either, I am just transitioning! When life gives you lemons pucker up! It might be sour but it won't last long and you'll be better for it!

I guess I am choosing to head down a different path now. I will keep my Mary Kay Client business as long as my clients want me! I love my MK Clients! I love playing with colors, helping them meet their skin care needs and hearing what is going on with them! I really love Mary Kay the company! So I plan to stay affiliated!

But I am shifting gears, and I am going to start focusing on something new. Not for money, but just as Mary Kay products helped me, and the company did too! Because Isagenix has also made a significant change in my life! I feel compelled to share this as well. Even though in the beginning I had no intention of promoting it at all.

I will share about anything in my life if asked, and I am in a safe environment. I hold no secret that I would never share. I may not like sharing somethings, but if I see how my sharing something painful to me may be able to help someone else. I owe it to those around me to share. I wish so many others before me had shared, had spoken up, instead of remaining silent. I would have been stronger for it. I am so grateful for those who did! For the women who demanded more, for those doing it their way, for value being given when it wasn't popular, and for having the courage to fail over and over again on their way to success.

I think about the accident every time I see a car sitting on my right waiting to pull out. Whether I am driving or not. The emotions I was feeling when he did pull out happen to me over and over again each time that happens. The sinking feeling the bracing feeling, the feeling of having done all I could but knowing it was still going to happen anyway. All of it comes flooding back in a split second. I see his face when he realizes I am right there and going to hit his car. He pulled out so fast, everything I had in me was trying to change destiny. While I was doing nothing wrong, I wasn't speeding in fact my foot had already been on the break, getting ready to go back to the gas at the top of the hill... when we collided it felt as if all forward momentum, shot back into my body as we went the few feet to the corner curb, and what hadn't gone through my body in stopping had gone into his car as I hit his car just behind his body square on.

Should old people be allowed to drive? That is a question I certainly don't have the answer too. Having had my freedom taken away, I understand all to well the helplessness a person would feel, as they would not have that privilege any longer. I can also understand the compulsion to do it anyway, but the guilt I would have if something went wrong is for me much stronger. Everyone is different, everyone has good days and bad.

Should that mother who hit the other mother have been driving that day? Should she have whipped a Uie among other undetermined factors? Hind site would say no! Should all of those people who talk on their phones, and pull out in front of people while doing so be driving? Or the person who's eating, or feeling ill? How about the driver who hasn't slept, or drank just a little? What about the person who had a heart attack while driving? Or the one who chose not to renew their insurance? Motorcycles? Should kids be allowed to drive souped up cars? What if you are driving in icy conditions? Or rainy ones? How about the person who is doing everything correct, and still ends up the one injured in an accident?

I don't have the answers! I know people who've been in all of these situations!

If you are driving a car, or in a car or standing around moving cars you are at risk. That is why we are all supposed to have insurance. Accident's happen, and when they do, if you accidentally did something wrong you are able to do something to set it somewhat right.

I am thankful to the man who hit me and came to check on me even though his own head was bleeding. My door wouldn't open but my window would. He apologized and I said it would be ok, and please go sit down and let someone help him.

I am sure he hit his head on the drivers side window, as he was looking directly at me a 1/2 second before we collided and then his car continued to shoot off into the street behind me with his foot on the gas and any momentum I had left when we collided. I don't know how far he was behind me. I never could see. I couldn't turn to look it wouldn't work and my body was going all numb, and tingly. The police officer helped me with my drawing later, and that part was over.

I to some degree feel as helpless as I did the moment after the collision. Still stunned at the turn of events. I've accepted them. I am doing all that I can. I have often wondered about him. My heart hurts for him. I am sure it was unintentional that day on his part. I still can't help but wonder, was he on any medications, was he having a bad day, had he been distracted by something that happened earlier, was he too old to be driving... or were there other factors??? Does it matter? Would it change anything? No it wouldn't. For me it would change nothing. I hope for his emotional sake it was as simple as him not looking both directions in a timely manner before pulling out infront of me. As that alone is more guilt than I would ever want, and would wish on anyone.

Everyone has done something that there are consequenses for. While I don't like going through some of the consequenses I've gone through, I hope to learn from them and grow, so I don't repeat them and I can move on.

iSaGeNiX Size 16 to Size 2! WoO hOo!

Ok, so oddly enough, I don't post for days and days, and now I am posting twice in one day. Hmmm. I've been going through lots of changes lately, some of them have been hard for me to see. Even though literally everyone else can. I think I am coming around! I am sure those closest to me will be happy about that.

So the change that has been taking place with me has to do with my weight. I have mentioned that I thought my weight was alright, I did. I had accepted the fact that since my movements are limited, and I don't have much stamana, and that if I move incorectly I will be in alot of pain. So having also accepted that I had also accepted that I at least right now can't do standard forms of excercise. So I thought there was really nothing more that I could do about it.

It isn't that I hadn't been eating healthy either. I really tried to eating as much fresh food as possible. But when you really don't move alot I guess that means larger clothing sizes, I had just accepted it. I still liked myself, and I was still happy. But now being able to actually cross my legs with out effort, and being able to get in and out of bed so much easier. I can get to my feet much easier, and while I never really noticed that I'd been changing exept for my clothing sizes going down, in the mirror, day to day, to me I looked pretty much the same.

Jason and a few other people close to me have voiced their concern about not getting much smaller. I hear them. It is not my intent, nor was it to even be this small. I truly did just start the Isagenix program for the nutritional benefits. I really wasn't thrilled with the prospect of having my bones crack and break as I get older. The doctors reaked me out pretty good, not to mention hearing my mother's voice in my mind about making sure I had enough vitamins especially calcium and vitamin D.

That was my and still is my main concern. So off the program I will not go! I love it! To me it is no different than eating Quaker Oatmeal for my breakfast. I now just have Isagenix shakes! I love it.

This has also worked out so well for me. I want to use the energy that I do have on things that matter to me that I get done or do. I don't think the time spent cooking should interfere with the things I want to do. But it did. If I were to actually cook a meal, I would not be able to do many other things. It just took so much energy to stand there. And since Jason cooks Hamburger Helper or some version there of most of the time if he has to cook... well, honey, I love you lots, I am grateful for the three years you fed me when I couldn't get out of bed to do anything. The Tuna Helper was great! I had food! I was grateful! But if I never see another, let alone eat another boxed meal except for an occasional Kraft Mac & Cheese, I would be thrilled!

So having the shakes that take a minute or two to make works perfect for me. I can make a couple meals a week and eat leftovers, things from the garden, and other fruits and vegies, and I am good to go! So is Jason! It is working so well for us!

I really hadn't planned on sharing with anyone about this. I mean people knew what I was doing it certainly wasn't hidden, but more and more people keep asking. I am honestly thrilled that they are! Even if it isn't something that they are interested in doing. Now, after all of the changes that I can see in me I feel selfish not sharing about it.

My friend who shared it with me, had great results. She is actually my retired Mary Kay National Sales Director. She has changed alot too! Wow! I will post some pictures of us! I just saw her, last night at the birthday party I attended. She keeps looking better and better too!

Not just about the weight thing, I think she's been at the same weight or about for 2 years now, since she started Isagenix. She had lost at least 30 pounds, and I've lost many more than that. But she is glowing her skin is looking better and better and she seems to be getting younger, at least that's how it looks to me.

So I've been doing the 30 Day program with addition of the Calcium and Vitamin D powder added in to my shakes. I change it up every now and then adding some of the other things as well.

I used to take a meal replacement shake, but it never did any of this. I didn't do that for the weight loss either, but the vitamins, but then they changed the one I used and I didn't like it anymore. This one tastes great, and has a cleansing program with it. I wasn't so sure about that either. But it works for me. I just noticed the other day, I can't remember the last time I actually got a pimple! Woo Hoo!!

Some of the people around me who've been watching the weight fall off have started using it too. I am excited about that. I can't wait to see what happens for them too! I've been on the plan since August of 2008 and it is now June 2009, I've been this size for a while, a couple of months or so. I didn't loose the weight fast, just about 3 pounds a week or so. I've lost around 50 pounds. I didn't even notice for a long time that it was coming off. What a nice surprise!

Jason thinks I look like a different person. I have to admit that has its perks! I still have the migraines, I still have the bones that slip around in my spine, I still have the arthritus, and all the other stuff. But I do have more energy, I am more hopeful, I can move around easier, do things a bit easier, my clothes feel better, I look better, I look healthier, and I am doing the right thing for having healthy strong bones! I am sometimes in bed all day long, other days just piddling with things around my house, other days outside in the garden, I drive when I can, and a few times lately I've been able to drive to my therapy appointments on my own.

I have muscles, the Isagenix plan helps you keep your muscles. I haven't had good muscles since the car accident, and keeping what I have and getting stronger is very important to me! Slowly but surely I am getting there!

So if you want to know more, I am happy to share with you, just like I am about everything. I don't mean to sound braggy or anything like that, but if I can do this in my condition, what could prevent anyone else from doing this if they really wanted to!

You can check out http://www.isamovie.com/ If you go to the regular site or the one that they gave me you will see the scary retail prices. So I don't usually share that one, because most people choose not to get their things that way.

Yes, I did sign up, so I could get my Isagenix at a discount! Much less expensive that way! As those of you who know me know, I hate paying retail for anything! If I can find a way to get things less expensive that is what I do! I am doing this because of the products, not because of the marketing. So please hear my heart and know that I want what ever you would want for you.

All of my clothes that I currently have have been bought at Goodwill or consignment shops, with the exception of undergarments, and I did get two new jackets.

That is why I started my Mary Kay business 17 years ago, and that is why I started Isagenix too, so I could get a discount. If others liked it great! But I am in this for me and my discount!

I guess that makes me a cheapskate. I didn't want the guilt of not telling women expecially my friends that the Mary Kay might work for them, so I guess it isn't too wierd that I feel guilty about not sharing about the Isagenix too!

http://www.isamovie.com

So if you want to know ask me, if I say something to you, it doesn't mean I think there is something wrong with you, in fact skinny people who have problems gaining weight it helps them gain, it is nutrition and cleansing program not a diet there is a big difference!

As a note, my sister has been doing Weight Watchers and she has had great success with that! I am so happy for her! She is so good at that! She started that quite a while before I started Isagenix, and she did so well that they asked her to work for them too! I love it! She's doing what is best for her, and helping others too!

I think it is awesome! I am super proud of her for sticking with it! Whatever you do don't give up, most people do just before their big breakthrough!

As usual this was done in my regular blogging style. It is late I am tired, and proof reading and perfection are not the reasons I started this blog. If you decide this bothers you to much than please don't feel obligated to read it. Or you are welcome to edit it and make changes.

dOwN TiMe

Lazy day, the sun is shining the humidity is high, I've called and spoken with my father, and my list of things absolutely needing done today isn't long. For some reason, today, instead of being highly motivated to go go go, as I am feeling well today, I have been just relaxing. I know that there is merrit to that. I realize the value in having time spent to ponder, or not be in a rush. I usually reserve this time, for when I am in pain. It makes me feel as if I am doing something even though I really can actually be physically doing nothing.

Yesterday went well, a trip to both cities, and errands, resting in between, and some cleaning of things around the house. Jason has been highly occupied with trailor preperation. It is almost fit to travel. He's had problems finding fenders for it, so the rocks don't kick up and destroy his perfect paint job. He'd found them once, but at the time our cash flow was limited. So being the smart man he is he opted to wait. He's found them when only one was instock, and has found all of the wrong sizes in stock, he has found several styles he prefers not to use, and many prices he'd rather not pay. It will happen, God's timing is perfect. It just might not be ours...

It isn't that there are things that I don't need to be doing. I have that big curtain project, the Alumni project (that will be getting alot of attention this week), a painting project, my garden (oi vei) .... Thankfully laundry is finished for the most part, the house is picked up, and the dishes, well there aren't many...

For the first time in a long time I feel comfortable with the amount of medication I have on hand, I don't keep it all together, so sometimes I feel as if I have no migraine pills left... I can usually dig up one that I put asside for emergencies. It had been difficult for a while to keep the funds available to have the medications. Even though we only have to pay the copay amount, still it adds up. One pill isn't covered at all, which over the past 5 years almost now, was a major worry. The pill that I take everyday so that I can drive and don't have vertigo, oddly enough is the one not covered. I am so lucky, the pharmacist in town, has given this medication to all of her clients at a reduced rate. While not cheap, it does help! I am so grateful! It's been many a day I would have some pain, or begining of a migraine, and I would take the over the counter meds when I knew I probably should have started with something more powerful. Not that if I can catch things at the right time that the over the counter meds wouldn't work. But many times I realize it is too late for them, but the cost is so much less for those that my chincyness prevales, and I take the less expensive, IDK if it is really worth it, as the majority of times, I still end up hunting down the stronger prescribed stuff.

Yesterday, I was also able to get out and weed a little under the cherry tree.. I found mushrooms growing under it! It has been so wet and muggy lately that I think they are popping up everywhere. I am not really used to seeing them much, having grown up where it was always dryer. I don't know if they will still be there today, I removed most of the flora cover that was being provided by the very tall crab grass, mixed in with my iris. I plan on planting some different bulbs, and other perenials as well some day, but this year I do still have some seeds left. I am sure it is too late to plant them for them to turn out well, but I really don't see the point in saving the seeds til next year, as the sprouting capacity of the seeds I am sure by then will be greatly diminished. I wasn't able to finish weeding around the trunk of the tree, but I do at least feel better that the rubarb that I had planted a year or two ago, will have a shot at taking up some more space, and some of the iris will be a little more apt to survive.

Ozzie our 13 year old Foxhound has been driving us batty lately. Not sure if he is angry with us, for lack of food donations to his meals or if he feels he hasn't gotten out of the house enough to sniff the world. Or he could just be 13 and having less of a holding capacity, he has been making accidents in the house for a few months now. It seemed in the begining as if he would do it when he'd be left behind. We'd take him out like usual, and even gone only for a short time, or allowing him to go to the basement, we would find an accident. Needless to say, his freedom has been reigned in. He is being locked up in his kennel when we are gone, and at night. He used to have free reign over the house. But these days that privledge has been revolked. Last night Jason took him out to relieve himself at 2 in the morning. Yes, I got up also, but the old man, has a mind of his own, and doesn't cooperate for me. He is deaf or nearly so, and refuses to be led around by his collar, more often than not I find that I use his collar to steer him and have to shove his rear in the direction I want him to go. Not that he does't know what I want.. but he usually doesn't want to go where I need him to go. The little stinker even does it outside. I don't like bending over and moving him along, it isn't the best feeling for me. So, even though Jason had to work in the morning, I asked if he would take him out. Once again Jason was the hero!

I was so excited yesterday too! I was able to attend a birthday party for a dear friend! She had a little reception at the Marriot for her birthday. Wow, it was so nice to go! Jason agreed to drive me, this was the first time that this group of friends had seen Luka. I haven't been able to get to see many of them for years, and so I was not only grateful to be able to show up to show my support and friendship for this inspiring young friend of mine, but to be able to have done things during the day, and still be able to do something in the evening was just wonderful! Her 70th birthday was held in style, she has survived, many things including polio, and has always been an amazing inspiration for me and many around who know her. Her attitude is always stellar, she outshines most people with many less problems! I remarked to Jason that it was so nice to be out on a weekend night doing something resembling a date! It had been forever since I saw the city all light up, we are usually in this area for emergency room visits, and I don't do much looking around at all.

I didn't say the remark to make Jason feel bad for not taking me out. It hasn't even been a possibility, between the money to do something like that, and the timing of it all, I usually am completely exhausted, or hurting by then and going out to sit in some chair somewhere is not at all something that I am excited to do. I hope though that it may be possible to have more great days, where I can accomplish something when it is light outside, but still be able to enjoy an evening out. Choosing is not fun, I have so much I feel behind in doing that I practically need to do those things, so they will always outweigh a fun or money spending idea. Except in very meaningful cases of course.

I am looking forward to the visit of a great friend not this week but next! She's going to come spend the day with me. Woo Hoo! I can't wait! I've been missing some friend time lately. Summer time as well as most other times, is so busy with people with families, and even those who don't have little kids... I think it has been almost a year since I remember seeing my sisters, more than that for many many of my friends who I used to see on a regular basis. I am really not a good person for really excited energized little ones to be around, I become very boring to them very quickly, and can't keep up at all. While I was never into chasing little ones around, I did used to be fairly good at entertaining them for a bit, or doing and activity or two with them.

We aren't making our usuall trip out this month for Jason to work at the hospital, so the friends I usually see on that visit is also missing this month. It does make things a bit more boring, although I can use all of that energy for getting more things done! For that I can be excited! As the list is long.

Well, things are starting to stir here, it is late afternoon, and it is time to do something becides ponder! It's been nice to just have some time. I have gotten some things done during this time that needed doing as well, I feel recharged and ready to start tackling the myriad of projects left before me!

Happy Fathers Day all of you Dads! You are invaluable! Thanks to Jason for being such a good Doggy Dad! & great hubby!

KiTcHeN SiNk?

Oh, my how many blog posts I have written in my head these past weeks... It really helps me to pretend I am writing these things down. I feel as if I have and they leave my thoughts. That is both good and bad I suppose, somehow I may have missed doing something I should have.

That's the way it goes. As I sit here in my usuall spot, in bed 1/2 up 1/2 down, propped up by a pile of pillows behind my back a couple of pillows under my knees, and a pillow under each arm to keep them propped, up while I type on my computer that is proped up by a large book sitting on my lap, on the bed keeping me company by my feet is Luka, and Shelby our soon to be adopted girl at this moment burrowing herself underneath all of the covers to my right. Ozzie is sacked out in his kennel to my left and the college world series is blaring out on my little tv. The ceiling fan is moving the air around, and my light is on but not super bright.

It is times like these, that I am glad that I didn't invest in fancy sheets and bedding, as the bed when Jason isn't home serves as my kitchen table, my office, my lounge, my movie center, and many other things as well. Not to mention the dogs, we used to never have them up on the bed. Not ever. We started with Shelby having arrived, as each time she'd run in the house she'd be on the bed. I know, I know.. but after months of this, and then getting Luka, well, I like Luka close by. With his age, he sleeps allot. I like having him near me in case I feel ill, and he is more helpful if I can nudge him awake if I need a hand up.

I am currently in search of some new service dog candidates. I would love to find another large male doberman. I am very good with the breed, and they do very well with me. I am not opposed to other breeds, but with my arthritis having attacked my hands, a dog I need to brush is out of the question! I was offered a Lassie style dog that is ready now... but way too much grooming needed! Certainly not fair to the dog!

I am also working on helping some other families find good dogs that match their lifestyles and needs. I like that! I am good at it! I can do most of it on the phone, and it is a great feeling to know that a good match has been made. These dogs, not even all dobie's deserve good loving homes. It is amazing and sick to hear about the lives they have lived. Some are just victims of the economy, but others are just victims of crualty or ignorance.

One thing that I have been able to do through out these past several years after the accident, is continue to learn, learn about the world, learn sign language, learn about this and that... I don't know what good it is doing me. I am not enrolled in school to get a degree. Sometimes I wish that were the case. That I'd been able to get hooked up with tuition and a school that I could pursue at my own pace from my home. Wow, by now I might even have some sort of degree... This August which is coming up soon, makes 5 years and most everyone finishes their bachlors degree with in that amount of time.

I sometimes, feel as if I've not accomplished anything. I know that getting better, and not getting worse is something! I don't know what that means anymore. It seems one step forward 3 steps back at times. If one area in my life goes forward, it'd be nice if the rest of the areas would jump on the train and follow suit.

Jason, is my hero, he is working so hard to make things nice for us, to make it easir for us and to make us more stable. He and his dad have taken on a great project that will help out so much. We had gotten a trailer to pull behind our Jeep so that I can carry all the stuff I think I need to go along with us on our trips. I travel with my pillows, (not all of them of course) my hair care, my hair is incredibly long now, and thank goodness for Panteen and Suave! They fit my budget, I must say it was hard to adjust from getting my hair done at least every 2 months if not every month, changing from this color to that, expressing a new mood with each visit to the swanky salon that I loved to go to. I miss my stylist Dove, she has lots of good things going! Her energy is contagous, and she is always on the look out for the new not to mention how to give back and be better. The last time I was at a salon, not even hers, I ended up with the most horrible pain and migraine... and have vowed to never do that again.

It is a pair of sharp scissors, and a friend that thinks they can cut streight that has become my new stylist. My hair color is all naturel, and my hair keeps growing! Yikes, it is now getting caught in the door when I get in the car. Gotta watch out for the next visiting person who thinks they can cut streight! Be forewarned!

In addition to my hair care, I need my skin care... speaking of that, I am so excited! I have just figured out I don't recall the last time I got a zit, like a big one, not even around that time of the month, which for years has been inevitable. I think it has to do with how I've lost all of my weight. My skin is looking great, my nails are doing well, at least when I haven't ripped them up trying to garden!

I've stuck to the same skin care routine for years now. I love it! I of course adjust as new items come into the line that I could find helpful. I am aging of course! If you look closely you can tell, but for the most part, not too bad! Every wrinkle that I eventually get, I am telling you that I will have earned! Even having lost all of this weight, having gone from a size 16 I am now wearing size 2, which I can hardly believe! My skin is awesome! I was worried I have to say, as I would loose more and more inches, I kept using the CelluShape Lotions.. I am not perfect at using them, but have really tried to be consistant. They sure help. I really don't know what my skin would have done with out them, and I don't really care to find out. I have to pack that stuff too.

Ok, so I am high maintenence! I know that! Jason knew that before he married me. So I like things the way that I like them, I always have. I used to spend an hour before high school focused on my hair. Those 80's do's were something let me tell you! Yes there are many pictures of my hair sculptures! Probably one of the reasons I thought I should become an artist! I've always been good with my hands, making things is not only fun for me, I seem to be good at it. I can usually look at something and make it. I hope to be able to do more making of things here in the near future. I've got lots of things I need to be making like the curtains. Speaking of those, I have packed my curtain projects a time or two as well, and might be doing that again seeing as they are still not finished. That garden project.... Oi Vey!

My clothes are another issue as well, however when I was packing in the winter, and a size 16 my clothes took up much more space. The last time I packed my clothes, it was warmer, not hot but certainly not cold. They took up so much less space! I could pack so much more. I could practically pack my entire good will/consignment shop wardrobe! I just bought something full price! It was hard to do, but this piece will be not only for summer, but spring fall and winter. It is a cute red jacket, it is on order. I am so excited about it it has a very tailored back and I became enamored with it at a receint Cabi show.

The red jacket was my choice based on the practicality of the item. So versital, I can wear it in many seasons and it is something not likely to go out of style! I like that! I had many other choices that looked great that I loved, and everyone made a fuss over, but I just couldn't see paying full price for something that would be seasonal. Especially on my budget. I will be looking for similar items at Good Will and Consignment shops. Those are nice to go to as well. Things in those stores are sorted by size! I love it! No more sifting through one style of top to find your size. At these stores, you can just look at everything on the rack, it should all fit you size wise even if it doesn't style wise. So wonderful!

I think at this point with the amount of clothes that I own that I actually fit, I could probably fit the entire lot into my tiny suitcase! But that is certainly not necessary, I have managed to actually eliminate a whole bag of stuff... My shoes! My shoes now fit into my clothing suitcase! OMG... I would have never believed it before. Being it is summer I wear mostly flip flops and sneakers, so that makes life so simple!...

The other things I pack are Luka's items, he needs a bag of food, bowls, toys, blanket, treats, poop bags, cleaning supplies in case of accident ( which usually doesn't happen, but everyone gets sick) he also now has a vest to wear when it is super hot out that keeps him cool, a gallon of water... his long leash, short leash, collar, and working clothes, not to mention the socks he usually wears because his pads on his feet are sensitive and get ripped up easilly.

My MK products if we are going to be in an area where I have clients... and all of my sample bags and show stuff, just in case! I never know if someone will want to play with things! If I am feeling well enough I love doing that! The extra money is nice, but I mostly enjoy keeping my clients happy, it makes me feel good, knowing that I can be of service to them. Hey it also works well too if I have incorrectly packed and forgotten something or run out in the middle of my trip... I can just get more. After all that is why I started my Mary Kay business, so I would get it all at a discount and wouldn't run out!

I am also usually packing food! Some things that could go bad if not eaten, and then my healthy eating regimine, that Jason has now started too...

In comparison, Jason packs one bag, just one, for every thing! He is so slick! I wish I could be like him! I guess that is why I am a girl, and he's a guy...

The trailer, we got, has now got a roof! A lid, a top, something to hold everything in! It had come to us a white trailor, a pretty nifty one at that, Jason thought it would look good painted red, he spruced up the electrical wiring, made it a perfect shade of red, fancied it up and he and his father have now made a lid. Jason showed his dad what he was thinking, his dad made the detailed design and even crafted a tiny prototype. We were ever so grateful when his father got all the materials for the project, and Jason showed up to build it with his dad, and his dad had everything cut, just waiting for him to be there to put it all together. He had so much fun with his dad and this project!

It was like magic! He left and when he came back he had a new lid! Which he is detailing as we speak! Gotta get some fenders, and some more paint.... The lid is black now, so it matches his Jeep. So stylish! Perfect to haul everything I can think of bringing with us! Where's that kitchen sink?

I am so blessed! For those guys who are reading this, I probably pack more than your wife, it could be worse, it really could. You are very lucky, give her a break, the extra bag she brought is just an extra bag!

Thank You Jason!

HoW aRe YoU dOiNg?

How are you doing?

Hey, that is always a trick question for me. I am never sure what response the person asking is looking for. My quick and easy response is that I am doing great all thing considered! So if that is satisfactory stop reading right here!

In general, the I can't wait for tomorrow applies for me today.. but really I can considering what I have to look forward to tomorrow. How about I am doing GREAT, (in about a week!)
It has been a rough week for me, if you've seen my posts, I guess that is what you may be refering to? I am making lots of lemons into lemonade lately. ;).

I don't know if you read my blog or not, in that case... yikes! As I write this I am on migraine meds and soon to be pain meds if my body won't stop hurting so take that into consideration... I guess that explains more to the true state of things with me at the moment. My emotions a wreck, my physical self in pain, and more to look forward to tomorrow... ( oops I haven't writen about that yet)

Ahhh, so are you sorry you asked? =)

Things will always get better. I look forward to seeing all of the great things that everyone else has going on! I am always amazed at the distances you go, or the troubles that Ronnie goes through, or the funny things that everyone writes on Facebook. I love visitors, phone calls, and getting outside. My husband is the bomb, my dog's are fabulous, I've got great friends, family and neighbors. There is plenty to do, no reason to be bored. Sure things go wrong, bad things happen, and people just don't understand.

Compared to many my problems are minimal, then compared to more, my problems are not so small. I realize this. So in perspective, I am doing the best I can do today at this moment, with what I have.

Two friends stopped by today, how fun is that! One picked up some things, and another dropped off a beautiful hanging plant! In full bloom! I love it. She gave me a hug and helped me back inside the house. She'd come by yesterday too but I couldn't get out of bed to see her.

Jason had to help me get around all of yesterday, my body is just not happy with me lately, it doesn't help having had all of the commotion of the past few days I am sure. A person he volunteers with came over with some papers, I felt bad they had to wait, but Jason had to help me out of the tub, and back into bed before he could go help him. I got so sick yesterday.

It's happened before, I always hope it won't happen again. Tomorrow, I get to look forward to doing some lovely extension and flexion xray's of my neck. Like I need more radiation heapped upon me. But that's the way it goes I suppose. My physical therapist is going with me, as this type of neck bending in the past has caused me significant problems. I sure hope it goes well, but I am certainly not looking forward to it.

One good thing I guess, is we were supposed to both go to the dentist yesterday, but since I was so ill I couldn't go, and neither could Jason. We messed up their schedule for sure, so that is the bad thing. But neither of us were looking forward to that either, however I would have much rather gone to the dentist than go through what is now going on 42 plus hours of nausea..., migraines, pain, and fatigue.

I just keep hoping that it will end soon, we have tickets to a ball game, that is what I am hoping to do! We'll see, I've told Jason to plan for someone else to attend with him incase I can't. So we'll see.

I have been watching lots of PBS, and scanning through different blogs on the computer, as both require little movement on my part. I've even found some fun one's to share with friends.

So to my friend who's asked how I am doing?. I say managing. I've got lots of hopes and dreams! I've got plans in place, projects to do, soon I am sure I'll be up and moving again!

PTSD...

Over! As most things do our having a child live with us has come to an end. This time the end was terrible. Of all the people we have let come and live with us Debora, Agi, Fernanda, The Cutler Parent's family, The Cutler Kyle's family, this experience has come to the worst end by far. While the other experiences were at times difficult as they would be with so many personalities involved. This experience was by far the worst. We had given the most, as the most help in this situation was needed.

We never asked for things in return... ok, we did... keep the floor swept. (that didn't work out so well. She would do it sometimes. When she felt like it.. or we would remind or ask her to do it.) The last few weeks since she's graduated, her attitude changed. Dramatically. She was angry and started being gone alot more. When she was here she would be more secluded.

This all happened after we talked about rules for her after graduation. She thought she shouldn't have any. She was FREE! Well, honey, in our house, freedom isn't free! She should realize that her brother just enlisted... I guess she thought those were the only people who had to pay for the privledge of being free.

Responsibility is the price we all pay. Being responsible for ourselves, those who are not, many of them end up in jail if they take asserting their free freedoms so far.

Well, today, we had hoped to set up a time to get her transition figured out. You know the logistics of it all. I guess she thought, our house would be a storage unit for her while she was off enjoying her new freedoms. Yes, we had talked about it before, when she would go off to college she could leave her things here.. Come back her on weekends if need be.

But things changed when she didn't want the responsibilities, of the new rules for living in our home. Expanded ones at that similar to what she would experience in college. A test run if you will. Nope those rules didn't apply to her, at least that's how she felt. Resentful, angry, upset, we were holding her back, causing her not to reach her dreams.

Growing opportunities hurt. This one sure hurt me. After she threatened to sue us, for wanting to talk to her before she moved, I of course said go ahead and sue... GET REAL! Who thinks of these things? REALLY!

I wondered to her... what if she had to repay everything that everyone had done for her? Now things really getting out of hand... any way. I wasn't the best person for saying that I suppose, but I wondered... she really hates us so bad that she won't have a conversation with us before she moves all of her stuff out? I mean she does have a cell phone that she uses that is in our name. Our name is attached to several other things as well for her that we've set up. Can't we have a conversation about how this should be worked out?

She won't have a conversation. Geesh! really? We are that bad I guess.

I was really a mess by this time. She was now sending her father over to the house, who freaks me out, and whom I can't stand for how he's treated us, friends of ours, and his own kids, who all now love him, and he can do no wrong.

She knows that he freaks me out, and since I am a person who deals with PTSD, she probably doesn't realize that this was the worst possible situation for me. I lost it, I mean nutso lost it. He called to say he was coming to get her stuff. I said NO! Not wanting him in my home especially when I am alone. I told him her things would be on the lawn. I had no intention of letting him in. And I certainly didn't want her stuff here either at this point. Actually, who want's other peoples things? Wierd! I keep giving mine away... I don't need to collect any more!

He's pulled up outside, I've got a few boxes on the lawn, and Jason's finally called back... Perfect, I am screaming, shutting doors windows, freaking out, can't breathe, can't breathe... ... Not good!

She's still texting me that I am a horrible person...

Gosh, this is not the way my life should be!

This has got to end.

It is over. I am not sure if I will ever let anyone back into our home. I don't expect these things to be easy, but wow, this was like something off of Jerry Springer! How'd I get involved with this?

Dear Dear Gwen, momma to these kids, and married to their dad died. We were friends. She would send her kids over to us when she needed a break, when they needed to get out of the house... they'd been coming over for years.

Wow, well, we came into this with more than we have now, she should be better for it, that was the goal. Her brother hates us I am sure, we helped him get out on his own too. But how soon they forget. You see this with families so often, it doesn't matter how bad you get treated, you want to be treated bad, because that is all that you know. You hope for things to change, and for things to be better, and maybe they will be. But you will do anything if your parent's/ spouse will just acknowledge you exist.

I am not saying there was abuse or things like that, neglect for sure. But people change. I hope that they all live the life of their dreams. But it won't be involving me. I am done.

There is too much pain, too much drama, there has been too much for me. Sometimes going through this stuff may be worth it. I hope this time it was. She is moved back in with her dad now, at least her stuff is there.

Wow, I am going to feel so much better tomorrow at the dentist! Thank God for that!

I am no longer going to be the better person. I am going to rescue dogs! Dogs don't turn into Jerry Springer shows! Dogs!!!

How sad for all of the kids we had thought about fostering. But sad to say they are in foster care for a reason. Through this experience we also found out about how helpful the state is for kids who need help. So baby! I'm out!

That is why I never became a teacher, the parents don't support you, the kids don't listen to you, the administration isn't there for you, and you might go to jail because a kid just slammed you into a wall and if you touch them back to get them off of you, then you have abused them. Yes, while subbing I actually saw that!

This Jerry Springer show is over!

So here I will be quietly figuring out what to do next with my dogs! We are not taking your kids!

Michelle Obama arms!!

Constant reminders are everywhere. Things always seem to fall perfectly in to place. Lessons will all be learned. Reality is never as it seems. There is always more. Being happy is a state of mind not a situation. Dreams are abundant. The best gifts come in all shapes and sizes, all colors, all times, and usually when you least expect them.

Living in this world is not always easy, it is certainly not simple however you are in control of what you choose to think no matter what the situation, no matter what has been done. It is how you react to the things in your life that will strengthen your steel. Help you to rise above and overcome what comes next.

Today was one of those days where things did not necessarily start off the greatest. Medication had been out for 2 days, so I couldn't drive but today I didn't need to anyway. Just needed to be present and do my best. Jason got home and was relatively rested, as much as you can be after having worked the last 24 hours...

We got ourselves ready, which for me was a trick... it seems as if none of my clothes are staying on, or aren't showing off my bra through the arm pit. Really frustrating because I have clothes that I've been saving to wear for summer, and I thought they might finally fit me again.... NOPE, now they are too big! Before they were to small..... I really need to find clothes that fit!

We finally headed out the door, a bit behind so the early errands would have to wait. Gas tank got filled by using MK $ ( I have to get that put back so I can place an order) and we made it to therapy just in time. He ran two errands while my therapist Kristi worked me out. It was arms today. I am a big weakling!!! I am working hard at getting stronger! That is for sure. I have always hyper extended my arms when doing any activity, and I am learning not to. Learning to keep my arms in my shoulder sockets and get the muscles working together.

OUCH is all I have to say when my arms pop in and out of place as I lift the little weights. Just wait, I am soon to have Michelle Obama arms! ;)!

We then grabbed some Taco Bell on the way to our next appointment. I dripped taco sauce all over, Jason managed to drop lettuce and cheese all over himself... I just had to laugh, it was so frustrating, but at the same time so funny! We could choose to be angry and miserable at the bad drivers, our taco covered selves, and all of the lame things we were getting through, but we just were so grateful to be together even though covered in taco gooo. We made it just in time to our Thrivant appointment! John was great, helped us with everything, and we are getting some more things figured out.

We then dropped off some paperwork for one of Jason's many extra jobs, and we headed to a local resale clothing store. This was it! I was in town, I had a driver, I could try things on and feel icky afterwards and still make it home. These stores are great for me, besides everything being so much cheaper, everything is sorted by size. I don't have to sift through several sizes to find mine after I find a style that I like. I can just grab what ever appeals on the rack and try it on.

Trying things on is a must, as I don't know my body style anymore. Catalog shopping is out for the moment. I've got to get my bearings and figure out what sizes I need to order. It is freaky! I sure have changed allot. I would never have guessed it, I never even dreamed that I would EVER be like this. I am almost 40 and OMG!

We came home just in time to put the small pile of clothes on the bed, and for me to get some rest. I really needed to get rested up as we had supper plans. While I hadn't had a migraine today, I sure was having plenty of pain. The darvocet was working, and I could now lay down and rest. My body just seems to shut off and yell, NO MORE! I was aching but we had to go, our friends would be waiting.

They grilled out, we brought over a favorite bottle of wine, and we hung out and talked and ate, while their kids entertained us all. Sitting by the lake, the view was great, we came in just in time to watch the lightning show, and visit some more. As the storm rolled through I began to feel better, and now am relieved to just be a little achy. The night just got more and more fun.

We love having such great friends so close by!

I can't wait for tomorrow. I've got big plans!!