a SiMple GiFt... FoR YoU...

I was sitting here reading my collection of blogs.  This post really hit the spot for me today!  I think you might like it too!  I hope you take a minute to look at this one.  It is mostly pictures and will just reach into your heart and lift you up. 

Writing my blog has really been a great outlet for my soul.  I found myself as I kept loosing more and more of my dreams.  At this point I am not focused on any dreams or goals except making it through each day with as much grace and with as much as I can accomplish.  I don't really see how that adds up to much but possibly over the long term it may.

If you read my earlier posts you will notice I had some pretty big dreams.  If you knew me I worked constantly at self improvement.  It was something I have always struggled with.  But if I wanted something bad enough, I worked on myself until I could go after it. 

Reading the I Am In Love With This World post by Ree.  Just really reminds me of how big this world is and how little even a small goal or dream can become.  For me this post came at the perfect time.  The sun has been starting to shine and I have been able to see some beautiful robins outside my window. 

So this post is going to be of some of the wonderful things that Jason and I have captured on film.  Keep in mind it won't compare to hers but for us each of these things has had meaning in our lives as well. 

 

This reminds me of where I grew up.

  

This reminds me of those who have served so that I can be free.

  

This reminds me of how simple a pleasure can be.

  

I see this place and know the power of friendship.

 

A place to look and dream.

  

Things will pop up when you least expect them, and be better than you could have imagined.

  

The sun will rise and set each day.

 

There will be those who will follow you.

 

There is always a place to come home to.

Each of these pictures have been taken in Nebraska.  On our travels or around our home.  

If you've never visited Nebraska you really should.  

Of course to find these places or places similar to them you will have to leave the cities.

Jason's photography has become an outlet for us.  

He is even doing a wedding, engagement, and family pictures along with all of the fun senior pictures and more.

But most importantly he is finding a creative release for his frustrations.  

He goes out in the mornings while I sleep.  

Or out in the afternoons while I rest.

He finds beautiful things that I can see when he returns. 

His photography has been a blessing.

He took all of the pictures in this post.

I wanted to show them to you so you would know the beauty of the simplest things as well.

I hope some how our little picture show has brought you some joy today.

Blessings,

Pink Doberman

A continued thank you to Nebraska State Senator Kate Sullivan and to Channel 10/11 Anchor/Reporter Alicia Myer for your work on behalf of those with Service Dogs and those who utilize them.

CoNnEcTiOnS... SiMiLaRiTiEs...

In a continuing effort to share different stories other than my own.  I am going to try to tell a story of someone else or connect you to an article or video with my posts.  As well as continue to relay my story I love connections!

You of course can choose to check them out or not.  While reading another blog that I like, one written by a Veterinarian she shared a story about dogs getting Post Traumatic Sress Disorder while in combat.  Of course domestic dogs are also traumatized by things such as lightening, thunder, brooms, men, women, or children.  I will be sharing more about this as she is going to be doing some research on this area.

While looking at a link she had posted I came across another that I want to share today with you.  This is a link on how a Service Dog, a Psychiatric Service dog is able to assist his owner, a veteran with disabling mental trauma.  I really do hope you will check it out.   The link is from the Wall Street Journal Digital Network.

I hope you will take a minute to check out these links.

With the weather getting nicer, my dream of getting my garden going has started to reemerge.  I am really hoping that Jason will till more parts of the yard.  I also want to get the soil tested.  Last year I was highly unsuccessful with certain areas of our yard that we planted. 

I am also having a huge desire to get a better watering system set up.  One that I don't have to move around.  Some days that just does not work, and my plants should not have to suffer for it. 

 

Luka and I at my Aunt's 80th Birthday Party

We had so much fun seeing everyone!  I just can't say enough good things about it!  Jason and I were in charge of "kidnapping her" not really, we just shared that we were taking her out to eat!  

We did, it was just a surprise dinner with all of her friends and family to celebrate her birthday!

She was so surprised!  It worked out perfect.

We were so happy to be a part of her special day!

 

I took this picture of Luka!  Isn't it cute??  

He's got my coat and scarf on!  

I love this scarf, it used to be my mom's!

I am learning to change the light setting on the camera!  I got some interesting colored pictures due to wrong settings.  In this case I think the picture isn't ruined by it.  But almost enhanced! 

What a good Husker Boy!

Speaking of the Huskers Go Woman's Basket Ball!  What an impressive year you are having!

I love to see it when people work together as a team to accomplish something!  

The gals whom I used to have on my team (not basket ball) were just awesome!  I really miss that! 

And just when I start to feel sorry for myself... 

I am reminded that I am ever so grateful...

A friend of ours has made it safely through brain surgery!  She had a huge tumor removed.  It was a success!  The hope is that she won't suffer any complications, and her life will go back to better than ever!  

This friend has a great sense of humor, her kids do too, they named the tumor Joey, and want to put it in a jar!

I don't know if that is going to happen or not.  But they are an Emergency Services Family, 

they volunteer and do work that is ambulance and fire truck related. 

Besides just being all around good people!

We feel so blessed to know our friends are going to be around for a little while longer if not years and years!

Praise God!

Blessings are abundant!  I hope they are in your life as well,

Pink Doberman

TwEnTy TeN!!!

Keeping busy.  The start of Twenty Ten brings hope for me.  I have been working on being more steady.  More regular at what I can do. 

Examining what I am capable of and when.  In my life I have done many things.  More I suppose than almost everyone my age.  The diversity of my background, skills, talents and experience is quite broad.  Having been in 4-H as a child, having grown up on a farm, enrolling in agriculture classes, music classes, and art classes… I definitely have broader interests than most.

At the same time running three businesses of my own, one of them being an international business brought a whole new gamete of possibilities for my future.  I enjoy all that I know, and all that I have done. 

Many things I will never do again, and would aspire to never do them again, such as working cattle, or taking care of livestock in the winter.  Other things I enjoyed for sure.

These days have been spent thinking of where I can go from here.  I am not reliable health wise.  But working around that, there are plenty of things I can do.  But what…

Even when medicated I am able to write, and edit photos or create digital art on the computer.  I haven’t ever been taught any of these things, I have just been making it up as I go.  I guess the more you do of these things, trial and error wise, the more you learn and can eventually do.

Now in my other areas, I can not do math dependably medicated.  I can not drive medicated, or in pain for that matter.  So anything that involves those two things needs to be forgotten about for now. 

So, with Jason taking more and more pictures.  Most of them still of me, although we are getting more and more willing photo victims lined up! 

Jason has already photographed a family of 4 children, and another family of all grown boys.  I think the 4 little children may have been easier than capturing the grumpy grown boys…  MEN.. geesh! 

He also is making a list of others who have mentioned that they want him to do their pictures too!  FANTASTIC!

I can help with the pictures, that is fun for me.  I  used to help with wedding photo’s all of the time with my business.  After the accident I wasn’t reliable enough to do it any longer.  Brides are kind of picky about people not following through..

So this is giving me another avenue of doing what I used to do, but in a different way.  More fulfilling actually, since I get to do it with Jason, and it is developing his skills as a photographer as well as doing something special for others.

Right now he isn’t doing this for a business.  We have quite the interesting set up, it is working but the real stuff would work simpler and better.  He is taking pictures of everyone for FREE!  Yea!  For practice, and hopefully some of these folks will even let their pictures be shown in his portfolio.  It is always good to ask permission, some people are funny about their picture being shown off… and we want them to be happy of course.

Eventually Jason would like to turn this hobby into a business.  How this will work, we aren’t exactly sure, but since I can do most of the things related to this even while medicated it should work well.  And all of our photo victims know what is going on with me health wise and are very understanding which is also wonderful.

So if you’d like to get your picture taken, let us know!  He will take pictures, then I will do some photo art to the pictures, and we will give you a CD that you can take and get pictures printed from to share with your family and friends. 

Yea!  Good experience for us, and hopefully fun for you!

 

So that has been one of the projects we’ve been working on lately.  It is something that I found a long time ago that I was good at.  It is something for Jason and I to actually work together.  I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut and letting him do his thing..  He has a hard time letting me do my thing sometimes too… but he is so much more patient than I am.   Thank goodness!

I will start posting more pictures soon I promise.  I am just not quite ready to yet. 

He has been practicing taking pictures of me.  Most of the time when I am feeling well and ready to “perform” for the camera, sit still and look cute…  I do manage to get quite a few sour expressions as well…   I am getting better at posing too, which I hope will help me set other people up for their poses. 

I will probably share a few of me at lesser moments too, it is only fair to share the whole realistic experience.  I need my Mary Kay, let’s just be clear about that!  With out it and with out my feeling my best I don’t look very fun to take pictures of.  Thank goodness for all of my makeup experience!  It is really coming in handy.

Oh, that is something fun too!  We can do your makeup before you get shot too!  I have yet to do that, or tell anyone about that option.  I have just been wanting to make it through the shoots with Jason.  As he improves setting people up for their pictures, I will do more of the pre stuff.  I get pretty tired doing these things so I definitely have to pace myself so I do not end up in bed for weeks…

Well, that’s what I am excited about these days, well, that and a whole lot more.  I can’t stand being bored.  If I must be “locked” inside our house for the winter, I will at least be doing what I can to stay occupied. 

This is my best winter so far since the accident!  YEA!  I am learning how to live with my new problems.  Hopefully I will keep improving!  Gotta keep working at it that is for sure!

Happy Twenty Ten!  I have some hope again! 

Blessings,

Tonja

DiReCtiOnS pLeAsE!

When you have a moment in your day, what do you find you most want to do with it. 

I remember my time before, I never slowed down.  If I wasn’t working I was thinking about working.  I was thinking about how to be more effective, or ways to change, or stay consistent to give things time to flourish. 

If I would have a spare moment, I would spend it learning something new that would help not only me, but help my gals to do better so that they could change their lives.

I know now that what I did was impactful.  I see it in the lives of the women who I served. 

On my visit back to where I grew up, I was able to spend some time with several of my gals.  Each of them has grown, I see the skills that I worked to develop in them coming to fruition.  It is so wonderful to see.

I was never about the money, I was always about the development of the people I was serving.  It is so rewarding to see that change having taken place or still continuing to take place.

I liked watching the money too, but having come from where I came from, having gone through all that I had, it took me quite a long time to get myself strong enough to stand up and get things going for myself.

I see that again in myself.  With each day being not only an emotional struggle, as well as a physical one, I am still finding that the direction I am headed is cloudy. 

Before things for me were so clear.  Where I was going, what I wanted, where I would end up had become second nature to me.  I had thought about it, planned for it, worked toward it, and persisted through all of the hell that one has to go through to break through.  I knew in my heart my goals, dreams and aspirations.  My direction was solid and I was focused.

Now having been derailed, I find myself lost.  Flitting to this flitting to that, I know my mind is on getting well.  But that seems to be so ambiguous.  What is that?  What can I aspire to in that area?  What constitutes when I am as good as I can get?  I don’t know and neither does anyone else.  For each improvement, I seem to run in to a set back.  I was walking and riding the recumbent bike for longer than I had YEA!  But this morning I fell again, I was half asleep and I fell.  It is maddening. 

In fact I was so tired, I didn’t realize that I had actually fallen until I found my dirty clothes in a pile in the other room.  I thought I had dreamt it.  I wondered about telling Jason, felt guilty I hadn’t told him earlier, but I’ve been in a fog all day.  I’ve been having difficulty getting going this day.  Things are clicking along well now.  I am just tired.  But it is frustrating!

I just don’t seem to be getting strong enough fast enough for my liking.  I want to work, I want to do some thing to contribute.  I don’t know what that is.  I am trying to do a few different things.  I like doing them but they each present different obstacles. 

Ahhh, the joy of starting over.  Someday I will have a clear direction for myself.  There is a plan for me I am sure.  I am just not sure which path to follow.  I hope there are some illuminations. 

I did take a few pictures today.  I will add them later.  I am not in the right frame of mind to be able to download them correctly and then get them in good enough shape to post.

I am going to try to get my veggies gone through tomorrow.  Of course tomorrow is when they finish off my root canal.  That should be fun…. another day long visit to the dentist.  Oh, happy day!

Blessings!

PTSD...

Over! As most things do our having a child live with us has come to an end. This time the end was terrible. Of all the people we have let come and live with us Debora, Agi, Fernanda, The Cutler Parent's family, The Cutler Kyle's family, this experience has come to the worst end by far. While the other experiences were at times difficult as they would be with so many personalities involved. This experience was by far the worst. We had given the most, as the most help in this situation was needed.

We never asked for things in return... ok, we did... keep the floor swept. (that didn't work out so well. She would do it sometimes. When she felt like it.. or we would remind or ask her to do it.) The last few weeks since she's graduated, her attitude changed. Dramatically. She was angry and started being gone alot more. When she was here she would be more secluded.

This all happened after we talked about rules for her after graduation. She thought she shouldn't have any. She was FREE! Well, honey, in our house, freedom isn't free! She should realize that her brother just enlisted... I guess she thought those were the only people who had to pay for the privledge of being free.

Responsibility is the price we all pay. Being responsible for ourselves, those who are not, many of them end up in jail if they take asserting their free freedoms so far.

Well, today, we had hoped to set up a time to get her transition figured out. You know the logistics of it all. I guess she thought, our house would be a storage unit for her while she was off enjoying her new freedoms. Yes, we had talked about it before, when she would go off to college she could leave her things here.. Come back her on weekends if need be.

But things changed when she didn't want the responsibilities, of the new rules for living in our home. Expanded ones at that similar to what she would experience in college. A test run if you will. Nope those rules didn't apply to her, at least that's how she felt. Resentful, angry, upset, we were holding her back, causing her not to reach her dreams.

Growing opportunities hurt. This one sure hurt me. After she threatened to sue us, for wanting to talk to her before she moved, I of course said go ahead and sue... GET REAL! Who thinks of these things? REALLY!

I wondered to her... what if she had to repay everything that everyone had done for her? Now things really getting out of hand... any way. I wasn't the best person for saying that I suppose, but I wondered... she really hates us so bad that she won't have a conversation with us before she moves all of her stuff out? I mean she does have a cell phone that she uses that is in our name. Our name is attached to several other things as well for her that we've set up. Can't we have a conversation about how this should be worked out?

She won't have a conversation. Geesh! really? We are that bad I guess.

I was really a mess by this time. She was now sending her father over to the house, who freaks me out, and whom I can't stand for how he's treated us, friends of ours, and his own kids, who all now love him, and he can do no wrong.

She knows that he freaks me out, and since I am a person who deals with PTSD, she probably doesn't realize that this was the worst possible situation for me. I lost it, I mean nutso lost it. He called to say he was coming to get her stuff. I said NO! Not wanting him in my home especially when I am alone. I told him her things would be on the lawn. I had no intention of letting him in. And I certainly didn't want her stuff here either at this point. Actually, who want's other peoples things? Wierd! I keep giving mine away... I don't need to collect any more!

He's pulled up outside, I've got a few boxes on the lawn, and Jason's finally called back... Perfect, I am screaming, shutting doors windows, freaking out, can't breathe, can't breathe... ... Not good!

She's still texting me that I am a horrible person...

Gosh, this is not the way my life should be!

This has got to end.

It is over. I am not sure if I will ever let anyone back into our home. I don't expect these things to be easy, but wow, this was like something off of Jerry Springer! How'd I get involved with this?

Dear Dear Gwen, momma to these kids, and married to their dad died. We were friends. She would send her kids over to us when she needed a break, when they needed to get out of the house... they'd been coming over for years.

Wow, well, we came into this with more than we have now, she should be better for it, that was the goal. Her brother hates us I am sure, we helped him get out on his own too. But how soon they forget. You see this with families so often, it doesn't matter how bad you get treated, you want to be treated bad, because that is all that you know. You hope for things to change, and for things to be better, and maybe they will be. But you will do anything if your parent's/ spouse will just acknowledge you exist.

I am not saying there was abuse or things like that, neglect for sure. But people change. I hope that they all live the life of their dreams. But it won't be involving me. I am done.

There is too much pain, too much drama, there has been too much for me. Sometimes going through this stuff may be worth it. I hope this time it was. She is moved back in with her dad now, at least her stuff is there.

Wow, I am going to feel so much better tomorrow at the dentist! Thank God for that!

I am no longer going to be the better person. I am going to rescue dogs! Dogs don't turn into Jerry Springer shows! Dogs!!!

How sad for all of the kids we had thought about fostering. But sad to say they are in foster care for a reason. Through this experience we also found out about how helpful the state is for kids who need help. So baby! I'm out!

That is why I never became a teacher, the parents don't support you, the kids don't listen to you, the administration isn't there for you, and you might go to jail because a kid just slammed you into a wall and if you touch them back to get them off of you, then you have abused them. Yes, while subbing I actually saw that!

This Jerry Springer show is over!

So here I will be quietly figuring out what to do next with my dogs! We are not taking your kids!

SpArKLinG cLaRiTy

Today as I sit here and write this, I am amazed at how much easier it is for me to think. I know this won't sound understandable to those who've not walked this journey with me, but today was so much easier to process my thoughts. It was like before the accident, except for the aching pains that I still have in my body, but my energy level was good, I was able to talk and process my thoughts clearly. WoW, I sure hope this day wasn't a fluke.

I hate to think that a little pill could do this for me but, I don't know what else it could be. I have had good days before, but this day seemed different, not only did I have more energy today, but my brain fog lifted! OMG!!! I loved today! I did get tired and have to take breaks, I did start to get very sore in my neck and back and did have to stop moving, but instead of sitting in bed watching tv or sleeping, I sat propped up and talked on the phone!!!!!!

Ok, so I used to be a phone junky! Yep, on the phone every spare moment of the day, talking to people, friends, family, clients, people I had yet to become friends with... & since the accident this has been very hard for me to do, it always took so much more of my concentraton to stay with the conversation, that I would get tired so fast, but not today!

So, I am holding out hope that I will feel good again tomorrow, I am holding out hope that even if the pain persists, I will have enough energy, and a clear enough head to deal with it.

Oh, how I pray for this to be true. I have my doubts as well, so many things I have tried, and so many things have not worked, so many, so many hopes burst, and so much time and money spent to get better. I guess that is why I am writing this at 3:26 AM. I am afraid to go to sleep and wake up with my crummy world back again.

Today, I woke up and took my new medication early this morning, I woke up again with a headache, not a migraine, different, this one was like the one's I used to get before, the one's I had always gotten, just right in the front of my forehead, not the one's that make my whole body ache, and sear with pain. I took a couple of Excedrine Tension just for precautionary measures as I hadn't slept very good that night I was very tired yet and went back to sleep. I woke up later, and noticed I didn't want to stay in bed.

Fine with me the less time I spend in bed the better! While this is my most comfortable it is my least favorite and most boring place to be. I like to be in this room the least because it is where I have spent the most time these last four plus years.

We'll I have lots more to say, but my fingers just managed to delete the other paragraphs I had written. To write them again would serve no purpose, since in my mind those words had already been said. And while I really don't want to go to bed in case this was just a fluke... and I will wake up feeling like crap again and not be able to think... I hesitate, as I want to enjoy this moment and enjoy my mind not all clouded over. But I am getting sleepy, and my fingers keep wrecking my words as I type as fast as I can to share what I am thinking.

I will end this post with one of the most amazing things that I saw today. About 2:30 am this morning, I walked into my living room and just took a moment to look out the window. ( I do this allot, I really don't look at any thing in particular, I just really like to see out side the walls of my home) outside was the most glorious view. It looked like glitter being sent to me from heaven. Everything outside was covered in the blanket of the sparkliest snow I have ever seen. The crystals of ice just transformed the outside of my home and my street in to the most glorious celebration. The street light's warm glow added to the amazement, the light shown on each falling flake and caused it to light up and spread sparkling joy as it floated toward the bed of snow on the street. And with it being 2 am there has been no traffic for hours, and the perfection of the picture, just gave me chills, and thrills. I can't stop smiling, and I will remember the glistening flakes for years to come.

A sparkling end to a clarifying day. And it is now time for me to say good night, sweet dreams, and I pray that tomorrow will bring more clarity.