Sunday, October 11, 2009

DiReCtiOnS pLeAsE!

When you have a moment in your day, what do you find you most want to do with it. 

I remember my time before, I never slowed down.  If I wasn’t working I was thinking about working.  I was thinking about how to be more effective, or ways to change, or stay consistent to give things time to flourish. 

If I would have a spare moment, I would spend it learning something new that would help not only me, but help my gals to do better so that they could change their lives.

I know now that what I did was impactful.  I see it in the lives of the women who I served. 

On my visit back to where I grew up, I was able to spend some time with several of my gals.  Each of them has grown, I see the skills that I worked to develop in them coming to fruition.  It is so wonderful to see.

I was never about the money, I was always about the development of the people I was serving.  It is so rewarding to see that change having taken place or still continuing to take place.

I liked watching the money too, but having come from where I came from, having gone through all that I had, it took me quite a long time to get myself strong enough to stand up and get things going for myself.

I see that again in myself.  With each day being not only an emotional struggle, as well as a physical one, I am still finding that the direction I am headed is cloudy. 

Before things for me were so clear.  Where I was going, what I wanted, where I would end up had become second nature to me.  I had thought about it, planned for it, worked toward it, and persisted through all of the hell that one has to go through to break through.  I knew in my heart my goals, dreams and aspirations.  My direction was solid and I was focused.

Now having been derailed, I find myself lost.  Flitting to this flitting to that, I know my mind is on getting well.  But that seems to be so ambiguous.  What is that?  What can I aspire to in that area?  What constitutes when I am as good as I can get?  I don’t know and neither does anyone else.  For each improvement, I seem to run in to a set back.  I was walking and riding the recumbent bike for longer than I had YEA!  But this morning I fell again, I was half asleep and I fell.  It is maddening. 

In fact I was so tired, I didn’t realize that I had actually fallen until I found my dirty clothes in a pile in the other room.  I thought I had dreamt it.  I wondered about telling Jason, felt guilty I hadn’t told him earlier, but I’ve been in a fog all day.  I’ve been having difficulty getting going this day.  Things are clicking along well now.  I am just tired.  But it is frustrating!

I just don’t seem to be getting strong enough fast enough for my liking.  I want to work, I want to do some thing to contribute.  I don’t know what that is.  I am trying to do a few different things.  I like doing them but they each present different obstacles. 

Ahhh, the joy of starting over.  Someday I will have a clear direction for myself.  There is a plan for me I am sure.  I am just not sure which path to follow.  I hope there are some illuminations. 

I did take a few pictures today.  I will add them later.  I am not in the right frame of mind to be able to download them correctly and then get them in good enough shape to post.

I am going to try to get my veggies gone through tomorrow.  Of course tomorrow is when they finish off my root canal.  That should be fun…. another day long visit to the dentist.  Oh, happy day!


No comments: