PaRtNeRsHiP

I've been pretty upset today.  Really I have been having a hard time of it period.  But what does not kill you will make you stronger.  At least that is what I am told. 

I feel like I am climbing out of my skin.  And no it is not the medication talking.  I haven't taken any.  YET.  I think it is about time no matter what the tummy complications.  Hopefully one pill will take the edge off and not make my stomach nuts.

After talking with Jason tonight I feel lots better.  I am so frustrated and angry.  I know I don't make things easy for him at all.  I have been a mess.  He has helped me figure out what to do.  I really don't know what I would do without him.  While he does not have the patience of a saint in general, he sure does with me.  For that I am grateful.  I know I am a handful.

So you may have gathered the Dr. appointment has not gone as I had hoped.  Not that it went bad.  I had a plan in my mind.  As much as I like change somethings in my life at least right now.. I feel... If it ain't broke don't fix it!  If it is broke do what you know works. 

If it does not work look for other options.  So today I got two different suggestions of which I am both open to.. One of them I will be willing to try for sure!  Too bad the pharmacy did not have the newest pain relief product that my Dr. has prescribed.  Tomorrow, so today I am taking the tummy upsetting stuff.  Ugg.  Just one.  Lets just see how it goes. 

So he is out and about working one of his extra jobs.  He Teaches Super Man Classes on the side among other things.  (I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you..)  Ha Ha!!  No, well, let's just say he is smart about lots of interesting things most of which involve well, not happy stuff.  He is off teaching people how to save the world.  YipEE!

At the same time he is making money that makes it possible for us to eat!  I just love eating!

He is my Super Man!  That is for sure. 

I think the medication is helping.  I still hurt but I really do not feel as crazy.  I think the real medicine I needed for the "crazy" was Jason. =D

I found this other blog recently.  It is about how couples survive through disabling issues.  This is definitely an area that there is no guidance in and no Dr. to help you with it.  Most marriages do not survive this.  I can totally see why. 

If you were the one being disabled you have an immense amount of guilt.  If you are the one left abled, you also have a tremendous amount of guilt.  Both of which should be left out of the marriage.  I'd say we are not uncommon.  We both carry the guilt.  In both cases it is unfounded.  You realize it of course mentally, but emotionally it can eat you alive!

I suppose no matter what problems your marriage is facing the little things are what matter.  I am not putting myself out here as any sort of expert.  I am not that.  I don't even think my marriage is bullet proof.  But it is something I want.  Not because I NEED someone.  But because I WANT my best friend, and I want to be his best friend too.  I want to do what I can to not be a bigger burden than I am. 

I want to be fun, interesting, a good listener.... I am sure this blog will share more ideas as well.. at least it will give me some understanding to what we are both going through and how to handle it.

Making any partnership work takes effort.    Mine is worth the effort.

I hope yours is too!

Blessings,
Pink Doberman

DiReCtiOnS pLeAsE!

When you have a moment in your day, what do you find you most want to do with it. 

I remember my time before, I never slowed down.  If I wasn’t working I was thinking about working.  I was thinking about how to be more effective, or ways to change, or stay consistent to give things time to flourish. 

If I would have a spare moment, I would spend it learning something new that would help not only me, but help my gals to do better so that they could change their lives.

I know now that what I did was impactful.  I see it in the lives of the women who I served. 

On my visit back to where I grew up, I was able to spend some time with several of my gals.  Each of them has grown, I see the skills that I worked to develop in them coming to fruition.  It is so wonderful to see.

I was never about the money, I was always about the development of the people I was serving.  It is so rewarding to see that change having taken place or still continuing to take place.

I liked watching the money too, but having come from where I came from, having gone through all that I had, it took me quite a long time to get myself strong enough to stand up and get things going for myself.

I see that again in myself.  With each day being not only an emotional struggle, as well as a physical one, I am still finding that the direction I am headed is cloudy. 

Before things for me were so clear.  Where I was going, what I wanted, where I would end up had become second nature to me.  I had thought about it, planned for it, worked toward it, and persisted through all of the hell that one has to go through to break through.  I knew in my heart my goals, dreams and aspirations.  My direction was solid and I was focused.

Now having been derailed, I find myself lost.  Flitting to this flitting to that, I know my mind is on getting well.  But that seems to be so ambiguous.  What is that?  What can I aspire to in that area?  What constitutes when I am as good as I can get?  I don’t know and neither does anyone else.  For each improvement, I seem to run in to a set back.  I was walking and riding the recumbent bike for longer than I had YEA!  But this morning I fell again, I was half asleep and I fell.  It is maddening. 

In fact I was so tired, I didn’t realize that I had actually fallen until I found my dirty clothes in a pile in the other room.  I thought I had dreamt it.  I wondered about telling Jason, felt guilty I hadn’t told him earlier, but I’ve been in a fog all day.  I’ve been having difficulty getting going this day.  Things are clicking along well now.  I am just tired.  But it is frustrating!

I just don’t seem to be getting strong enough fast enough for my liking.  I want to work, I want to do some thing to contribute.  I don’t know what that is.  I am trying to do a few different things.  I like doing them but they each present different obstacles. 

Ahhh, the joy of starting over.  Someday I will have a clear direction for myself.  There is a plan for me I am sure.  I am just not sure which path to follow.  I hope there are some illuminations. 

I did take a few pictures today.  I will add them later.  I am not in the right frame of mind to be able to download them correctly and then get them in good enough shape to post.

I am going to try to get my veggies gone through tomorrow.  Of course tomorrow is when they finish off my root canal.  That should be fun…. another day long visit to the dentist.  Oh, happy day!

Blessings!

PerCePtiOn!

Days pass and times change, it seems as if only yesterday happened, but yet it is now almost five years later. Sometimes time seemingly stands still. I know it does seem to do just that for my high school senior. She is counting the days minutes and hours until she is in a different stage of her life. I remember doing the same thing, but for me the waiting was more fun, much less stress, and a time to figure a few things out.

Sometimes I think this can be so painful as it is for her, her unusual circumstances at school have made things so much more difficult. Just as the unusual medical circumstances that have happened in my life. Both of us are so similar, both of us are learning to be tougher, both of us are unwilling to settle for what we don't deserve.

Respect, care, compassion, and more I am so glad that she knows that these things are mandatory to expect, and to share. I sometimes will find that she forgets this. For the most part she stays true to herself. I wonder, if desperation would fall upon her and if she would be strong enough to make it through what ever would be hanging the dark cloud over her.

I have been told that I am too cheery, I always am looking for the best. I frustrate Jason by the answers to his questions. He will ask me how I am doing, he can tell when I hurt. He asks me this already knowing that I am hurting, then wants me to verbally validate what he is already seeing my body and eyes present. He is frustrated by my lack of brut honesty on the subject. I most commonly have answered his question with an I doing better than I was, or an I am alright.

These answers have become a huge frustration for him. I don't understand why he needs my verbal validation for what he already knows to be true. My perspective and my focus is and has been to stay mentally healthy. To not go out and try to kill myself, to make it through the day, to really focus on what good things I have instead of the pain that I feel all of the time. For me being better than I was is good. If I can hear myself say that I am alright, that I am better than I was, these things don't seem so bad.

I can understand his frustration, really I can. Looking at me he, and everyone else I guess can tell that there is something wrong with me. I can too I guess if I were to look in the mirror when I have gotten worn out from the pain. I don't have any sparkle to my eyes, my brows sink in to my eyes, I loose color, not that I had that much to begin with, my posture is shifted, and I have difficulty moving, standing or doing anything. Just the speed of my thinking, my clarity, and my movement each alone could tell someone.

Many times the problem is not only that I don't want to hear myself say that I am myserable, that the pain is so intense that I can hardly stand it, but that I am so tired, and so foggy, that my mind has actually blocked the pain from the front of my thinking. When prompted, for a more complete and serious answer, in which I take a few moments to delebriate and assess my condition, this fog will subside, and the reality of the pain will begin to take hold.

I know that most people aren't able to do this, I am very lucky that I have had the mental blocking skills already developed to some degree to help me deal with this. Prior to the day of my auto accident where the very old man took his time to turn to look from side to side to check the traffic, where his foot got ahead of his eyes, and jetted out in front of my little red Mary Kay car. I had already developed these skills to deal with the PTSD that I had/have.

It does become a detriment however, I have found. I do know that since my auto accident, I can no longer remember peoples names with ease. There faces or names if seen will cause me to stop, but the clarity that was once there before, is gone. I had worked hard to develop the skill of remembering people's names, and where I knew them from. I don't have that anymore, I am starting over.

I see the frustration in peoples faces when they realize that I don't remember them. How do you explain in five seconds or less that I was in an accident...blah blah blah... GRRR! It is so frustrating for me not because of the loss of the skill. But the skill provided a validation to those around me, the people that I met, wheather briefly, or had a major interaction with, that they were important to me. How many times do you go through your day, with no validation of importance, no acknowlegement that you actually mean something to someone. That you are more than a number, that you are worthy, and treasured.

It was a skill that I had worked hard to perfect, that gave a gift larger than you can hold. I loved making those who were with in contact to whatever degree with me that they were indeed important. I knew this from many years of being a discounted person, a person who others saw no real value in what I did. I have never been a person with one of THOSE jobs, one of THOSE degree's one of THOSE types of social standing.

I have been around many of those people, those people make up a portion of my friends today. My friends may have THOSE things, but they see ME! They are around me because of how I have made them feel, because I see them. I don't see what they do, or what they have. If they lost it all, I wouldn't go away. These are the people that are still with me through this crazyness. They are the type of people you want in your life.

While being a waitress, being the shoe shine girl, being a farm hand, fast food worker, and more, I learned that many people saw you as what you did, not for who you were. Their mistake. I could feel the invaidation, that is the type of feeling that can sink a person's soul. It frustrated mine, it pushed me, not to be the type of person who had to have all of that to feel alright about myself, but to be strong enough that other's perceptions would never cloud my self worth. I hope for my high school senior's sake that she can keep a strong sense of value and hold it close, while encouraging and validating others. She too knows what it feels like to be a discounted person.

A quote by Frank Sinatra shared tonight on the David Letterman show, by a friend of his, and I paraphrase, "If you own something that you can not give away, then you do not own it, it is the one that owns you." If a person feels as if they are of value, but keeps it to themselves, uses it for themselves, than, really do they have value? I wonder.

Going through this receient recovery period has been difficult to retain this I must say, but through guarding what I say, what I spend my days focused on, and making the most of what I have each moment, this has been what keeps me going. I've got lots of blessings in my life. One of the greatest blessings is laying beside me with his hand on my knee.

I hope for her sake and the sake of those around her that she holds on to what is dear to her by sharing all she can to benefit those around her. My greatest friends have this gift too! I love being around them, not for the degree's that they hold, or the money that they earn, or the club that they belong to. I love being around them because I can help them and they can help me, we are there for each other, and while acknowledging flaws choose to look at each other's gifts.

I am blessed! Beyond belief, I am better than I was!

FeELinG gOoD!

As I sit here and begin to write, my thoughts wonder to the events over the past almost month it feels since I last wrote. While I am definately not as angry as was at people's stupidity, other things have been frustrating. Which causes me much hesitation when I consider writing more of my feelings down in this blog.

Needing to deal with things in an appropriate matter, sometimes time is able to help give perspective and the ability to add calming sense to certain situations. These past few weeks calming influences seem to have been the key for everyone in my household. We have had to search and search to remain calm at times.

I know that so many people have things so much worse. I realize too that we have been through much worse, although what makes difficulties easier to get through is the hope that the next situation will be an improvement. Sometimes we find the next thing to be just as challenging if not more, and we again hope for something better. The hotter the fire the stronger the steel. I don't know who said that but I think that it definately applies to my relationship with Jason.

We sure seem to have gone through allot of fire but each time we go through a challenge we seem to come out stronger. I am so grateful for that.

In my last post I had mentioned Jason's difficulty with Luka in public situations. I wrote about how I percieved his feelings to be on that subject. I am so glad I did, we were able to have a great conversation on the subject and things actually worked out better for it. Of course all of the things I am writing about are my feelings and my perspective. It doesn't always or even often match others perspectives and feelings on the same or even similar subjects. I am alright with that. I am also open to listening in most cases especially after I have had some time to become calm about a particular situation. I love different opinions and perspectives, while I sometimes will never agree, I appriciate others and still find value in difference.

It seems lately that Dr's visits are at the top of the adjenda lately. These visits can sure drain the day's time away. Our teenager has appointments for her teeth as well as Dr visits, and college visits, as well as she needs some therapy visits in the near future as well. Jason has started the some of his own, and mine a lovely 4-5 appointments each week are just enough to make a person MAD! We catch ourselves comming and going. How is their time for everything.

Tomorrow's day includes a dental appointment for me, then a college visit for her, then school for her, then post office for me to mail things, and time for my therapy excersizes, then off to the dentist for her, while Jason scoots off to a teaching job that evening. Gikes! I know that everyone else has this crazyness in their lives as well. Should life really be like this? I wonder.

I've started a project that I am happy to be working on. Having worked in my past at a children's camp, I now volunteer occasionally for this camp, I have volunteered for them for years now with various projects, most of which are very fun, some are moderately fun, and some just need to be done. The latest project that I have picked up is enjoyable for sure. It is really allot of busy work and research. I am having a good time with it, going through the details slowly and compiling all of the needed information. It is something I've found that I am quite good at, and that I really enjoy doing. It makes it even better that I can do this all from my home in my bed when I feel good or when I feel kinda bad.

I love having something else to focus on, that keeps my mind off of everything else that I have no control over. The fact that this information will fill a need and be helpful for others really makes me feel well also. A sense of accomplishment, is just wonderful. Just like making a really nice meal and watching those eating it enjoy it, or dropping a note to someone going through a rough time to let them know that they are in my thoughts.

I am reminded constantly that my life is good. I am reminded for all of the good things in my life, and there are many that there are those who don't have nearly as many good things in theirs. I have several friends who have always had difficult physical situations, some who are just receintly as I have been receintly having difficult physical situations, and those who are going through emotional, and financial difficulties currently or who have in the past. Usually these things seem to go hand in hand if you have one you will most certainly have two or three of them all at one time. Managing just one of them can be a full time job, while handling all three it sometimes feels as if you were never going to survive it.

Hearing from a friend today reminded me that while we are so involved in things that are going on in our own lives, that there are those around us, near or distantly, who are suffering, wondering how they will ever be able to make it through another moment. We've been there. I heard those thoughts today from a friend in an email that I received. He is going through a much more difficult time than we've gone through, his road will be harder, and longet, there are small children involved, as well as a very injured wife. He sounded as if he just needed someone to care, some one to notice, someone to talk to. Nothing really more than that, not asking for any of his responsiblities to be taken away or lessened, however I am sure that would be accepted. But just asking for someone to understand, someone to care. Reaching out for something to hold on to hope for one more day. It isn't a good place to be in.

The better place to be in is the person who takes the time to say Hey, I hear you, I see you, I am praying for you. If you are a person who doesn't have much time, but has resourses, then a certificate for pizza or a casserole, or a monitary gift would be handy for this person. If you have time but no resourses, then the offer of a shoulder to cry on, an afternoon of visiting or helping so someone else can have some time away from helping, or watching kids is a great way to share.

We've been so lucky to be beneficairies of some of these same gifts. Believe it or not they all equal the same. It doesn't matter how much time, or money or how big the gift or how small, they all equal the same. They all say the same thing. They all give the receiver the same message, that some one is here for them, someone noticed, someone cares.

I am glad that I took the time to write to this person, I will be writing again soon as well. It feels great for me to be able to do that. For me to think of someone else. I love doing that. It makes me feel so good.

Being that it is almost 1am I really need to get to bed. I have a busy day tomorrow and I am determined to pack as much in as I can. Maybe I will even be able to drive agian soon. I am holding out hope.

So for now goodnight.

I mAdE iT!

Waking up this morning, proved to be not as difficult as I had imagined. However, I did have to take a migraine pill along with the new one. The important things of the day, were the migraine pill worked, and I had enough energy to go shopping for a couple of hours, and then come home to rest. I have been pretty sore and tired today, but all in all a good day. I really did over do it yesterday, but would do it all over again, having a day like that was so worth it and I am so happy to know that I did not waste it.

Pretty much these days, I just click along doing regular things, not adding to much in to my day, not pushing myself a whole lot, just a little. The days go by and I am able to accomplish things a little at a time. Not to bad. But every once in a while a good day comes along with a burst of energy or less pain than average, and all of those things that you have been really looking at doing but just did not have the energy for seem possible.

I am not talking about rock climbing or running a marathon or anything but I might as well be. The people that do those train for months to perform those tasks... and similarly, all of those day's that I just steadily perk along seem to be the training I need for those one in a million days that come along. On those day's where I am just clicking along, doing the regular simple things, I am also planning and preparing, for the days where I will feel better. I lay things out, make lists, get organized, little by little, and then when the time arrives I am able to do those bigger things that need to be done.

Like making those curtains. I set up my area, gathered ideas, measured the space, made lists of supplies, on the day's where Jason was available to help, I would ask him to move any heavy items that I needed adjusted... then on a day I felt better, Jason took Luka and I to the fabric store, that had the best sale, and he helped me pick out the colors. I had already envisioned the general color, but finding something suitable is not always the best, and since he is living here with me I thought I would choose the fabric's that would work and he could help me narrow the choices down. It worked well, and he was able to carry all of those heavy bolts of fabric around for me. Until he could not take the estrogen levals of the fabric store any longer and I was left to my own devices.

Things seem to take so long for me to do them now. I mean, before I would just be able to focus and knock a project out in a short amount of time. The process I go through now is so deliberate, so planned orgainized, stratagized... I have to take schedules, logistics, cash flow, weather, and more factors in to concideration now, where before I did everything with deliberate action but more off of my cuff.

While I have finished one curtain for one window, I have several more to get done. I have everything packed and orgaized, the thread colors are matched, the patterns are packed the needles are organized, for my trip out west so Jason can fill in at the hospital, and we will stay with our friends for the week.

My friend, Jen, whom I have always done cooking projects, quilting projects, and more with, who we've always hung out with both her and her hubby is an inspiration, and she is a great motivator, as a person who enjoy's always being busy doing something just like me. While she has always been the more deliberate, and definately the instruction reader and follower, she has been my teacher when it came to the more complicated tasks... I more enjoy doing than figuring... thank goodness for friends. I can toss stuff together with out an exact pattern, I just visualize it and start... We are both good for each other, I give her creative options to the "directions" and she gives me directions for my "creativitiy".

My sister is like my friend Jen too, it is funny, how we collect people around us similar to each other. There are so many parallels in life.

On another note, there are also things, and people that make you stretch, make you try harder, who's symbiotic relationship may never develop into an easy going melodic rythem. You may thrive on the differences, and use each other to push the boundries, and who you always seem to be uncomfortable around, and you may even wonder if there is a mutual appriciation for each other. But you find that you are a better person for being around them, and no real harm is being caused, just simple uncomfortability. Uncomfortable is healthy I think, and pushing yourself to do better to be more to become more aware and more tollerant, is deffinately a good thing.

It's just the hard thing.

While being orgainzed and deliberate are not things I was born good at doing, or even really stressed during my childhood, I now find the skills nessessary and while I've been resistant over the years to adapt these atributes to my daily life, over the years as my Mary Kay business progressed, so did my skills in these area's. Thank goodness for that, while these things are not innate to who I am they are things I have had to learn out of friction in my life. Prompted by those who are different than me and knew better than me especially in these areas.

So, each day you work with what you've got and you work to improve yourself, you realize that it never ends, once you've improved one thing there is something else to work on. I guess that is half the fun. I never know what's going to come next, of course I would like to live like the Cleaver family as everything seemed so simple, so cut and dry, friction so easily resolved, and mistakes never repeated. I however am not the Cleaver's I wasn't rasied by them either... but I do admire the persistant principaled approach to problem solving, that the Cleavers presented. The willingness to do the correct thing even in the face of advirsity, and even when it wasn't easy.

The right thing feels right, it sometimes hurts, after doing it, you feel no remorse or guilt. Your concience is clear and you can breathe long clean breaths.

Make no assumption that I am perfect or that I am even striving for that, I just make a good solid effort to do things to the best of my ability, to not do something less than I am capable, whether it be the laundry, the dishes, or doing a makeover on Miss. Brasil before a large event. Each of those things are the same, each of those things are just as important every thing you do is important. It should be or you shouldn't be doing it. And if it is worth doing it it is worth seing it through.

I feel good if I've put my dish in the sink some day's, because that is all I could do, there is no shame in that. I made it to the sink with my dish I chose to do my best!

Time

Anything can be accomplished through hard work and persistence if given enough time. The dishes can all get done, the house can be rearranged, a bed can get made, laundry can get caught up, client lists can be updated, and some money can be made.

Profound respect and admiration goes out from me to others that have physical limitations and/or difficulties. While having had a broken foot, I found out how fun using a wheelchair is not to mention crutches, I had always had empathy for people with limitations and tried to be a good friend and support person.

Reality sets in when daily physical limitations limit yourself. Having spent the past 4+ years in a different physical situation than I had spent the other 30+ years of my life, it has really taken some getting used to. At first I was told that I would get better, but over time that prognosis has shifted into this is just the way it is going to be, and it will gradually get more difficult.

Whoopie... You must have imagined that word was far from my mind at the time I discovered that things would only hold more difficult moments for me physically. It used to take me one hour to get ready and now it takes me two hours. Everything takes longer which means that less is possible to accomplish in a day. However, that also means that more thought goes into everything that I choose to do. I have to determine if the action or activity is worth adding to my day.

That means that my wonderful husband gets to do lots more laundry and lots more dishes, drive me lots more places and anything else that needs to be done. While I focus on things like getting my Mary Kay orders ready to go out, doing makeovers on my fabulous clients, organizing our lives and paying bills etc..

I get to do laundry, dishes, and drive just not in the quantities that I once used to be able to do. I do spend more time enjoying the scenery, appriciating what people have to say, and I must say that this whole experience is broadening my horizons in ways that I had heard about but never had the time to experience.

I was so busy before, going from place to place, planning what was next, when I was at one thing I was thinking about the next thing, I hung out with the movers and shakers, and never felt that I really was at peace. Now, while I am not at "Peace" with the way my life is, I am more grounded, I do have more time for others, I can't do as much as I used to for them, but I do have a larger listening capacity. I think that is something that I wasn't able to do before at least not often.

I do wish my body would start working better and that the pain would disappear, not to mention the massive amount of medication I've come to realize may be a permenant part of my life, although I am always trying not to have to take it.

Choices, life really is full of them. I am choosing to spend as much time as I can with people, not the movers and shakers, but on real people that appriciate what I can do now, and appriciate what I can do for them to help their life be better.

Before I was very focused on improving lives mostly with money, and teaching women how to know that they were worth being treated well. The great thing is now that I can still do both of those things but my mission seems to be going slower but maybe having a greater impact.

Who knows what the future holds and what choices I will have in my future. For now I am choosing to get my home ready so that my girlfriends can come over and hang out. A huge thanks to my awesome hubby for being the greatest hubby I could have ever asked for!

Kudos to you!