Friday, January 23, 2009

sLeEp, BaD dReAm.

Waking up today was not pleasant at all, actually all night long I was waking up. I am not sure what time I started but it had to be three or four am. I usually try not to look at the clock, but after continued sporadic bouts of sleep, I saw the number six on the clock. I hate that feeling, I know that so many others struggle with this too! Oddly enough except for the rare occasion before my auto accident, I was the best sleeper.

While watching Oprah today, I heard the topic of artificial hormone treatments being helpful for many my age. While I am pretty sure that this isn't my issue, (I'd been tested and tried that stuff years ago) I think I will ask to be tested again.

With the addition to my life of the Absolutely No Driving Rule for me, the Dr. has prescribed a weird treatment for me to see if it will stop the dizziness, for those of you who've known me for years, not the dizziness I was born with, the blond kind but the actual vertigo, head spinning, legs failing kind. Jason was able to finally pick up the prescription today. He has to measure my blood pressure every day and record it. The goal is to raise my very low blood pressure to see if it helps with my being dizzy. I would sure love to feel better, and definitely stop falling, and those horrible feelings of not knowing where the ground really is. I would love to know that I was safe to drive, so I could drive again!

So for two weeks I will be on this medication, and then I will add another medication to that in the evening that will help me sleep, at least that is my understanding. My Dr. is trying something different for me because the things that would normally be used to raise one's blood pressure are a very bad idea for me so he won't let me use the regular methods.

Geepers, why is my body so peculiar? Oh, well it is what it is. We will see how it goes!

Jason got home this morning, woke me up before leaving again, he was just home long enough to change clothes drop our teenager off to school and run to his appointment to get his Jeep fixed, for the second day in a row of his free days. When he woke me up I could hardly move I had taken some migraine medication earlier, and it had not worked. By the way, I really wonder, when you get your medication and they have it in those "child proof" containers, believe me I understand the need for that, but at SIX AM, you have a migraine, you have arthritis in your hands and shoulders, and you can't see, OMG! Misery! I can't tell you how many times I have prayed that the container open and this morning was no exception. I managed to get the container open dig the tiny pill out of the package it was sealed in only to drop it, all of this using my sence of touch, I found the pill on the bed and took it. Only later to wake up after Jason left to take some stronger medication and have to pray that container open as well.

I really need better pill containers. I have no small children, and this is just ridicules! So now that I have been sleeping and medicating the day away, I am finally feeling better, not great but better.

I haven't really accomplished anything other than getting the dogs fed, getting a Mary Kay order placed in my mail box for Amy to pick up, and making some pasta for lunch, but I am happy I was able to do all of those things on my own. I am grateful for that.

I have got such great clients, Jason just mailed Gayle's order today, he will deliver Kristy's order tomorrow, and I am loving the ability to still do that! It is so fun to get an order via email, or a great phone call/voicemail, or face book message with what someone is needing or wanting to try, as well as stay caught up with what great things are going on in their life. That keeps me going! When I am feeling better I am dreaming of getting an event together here at home that will invite everyone in to hang out and play makeup or just have some great conversation.

Our teenage friend, has a friend who is also going through a rough time, and I am going to help her have some great Senior Pictures! We will plan several days that we can get together, and I will do her hair and makeup and take her pictures! I am really working to get my computer fixed ASAP! I will need it to edit her pictures, that software is on that computer, and we don't have another that will hold it. So with that project in front of me I know that something will happen soon, to get it to all fall together. I've been saving to get things fixed and soon I will be set! I am so excited.

I am also, working on another project for myself as well. I have begun the search for Luka's replacement. As he is an older large dog, he won't be able to continue helping me to the degree that I need for much longer and it can take up to two years to find a match for another trained service dog, I am in the planning stages. Not to mention the cost of getting another one. So I am in the process of working all of that out.

I am giving myself an education. Surprisingly all that I knew before about service dogs was that they could go everywhere, they were trained and I shouldn't touch them. While all of this is true the information about where to find trainers and more information was harder to find. Thanks to the Internet for this! You really can find out almost anything.

So, curtains, getting evaluated to work again, stopping the vertigo, finding another service dog, helping make a girl's senior pictures fabulous, servicing my great Mary Kay Clients, keeping my marriage strong, my friends close, helping our teenage friend, fostering dobermans, and doing as much housework and physical activity as I can. Hmmm, really that isn't bad. I sit here sometimes and think I am not able to do anything, but when I list it out, I really I am able to do quite allot.

Before I drove everywhere, and while I am holding out hope that the medications will work so I can drive again, the thought of not being able to breaks my heart. I loved to drive, I loved to be free to get out and see anyone at anytime. To make trips back to see my mom while she was receiving cancer treatment, to drive home to visit my grandmother once a week to rub her feet and paint her nails, to see client's when they needed me, and to see my sisters and friends when ever I wished. It was so wonderful. My trips in the car would clear my head allow me to focus and I also attended Mary Kay University in the car, listening to training CD's over and over.

I was able to drive in to see Jason at work on holidays, or really anytime I wanted, and now while other's families go to the fire station to see their spouse he spends the day with out visitors and I spend the day alone. While holiday's are really just other days, watching everyone else having fun with their families, has got to be difficult for him, and answering the question "Is your family coming?" With the word No, just has to leave a lump in his throat. It certainly does in mine.

Today, realizing that while he went to get his car fixed, I realized that he had no one to pick him up and take him home if the car needed to stay overnight. I was no longer going to provide that security for him. It breaks my heart. I feel as if I am waking up from a nightmare.

I can only hold out hope that things will work out. HOPE!

No comments: