Wednesday, January 21, 2009


So this past Friday, I was feeling so great! I had been for a few days, I was working on all sorts of things here at the house. Thursday night was just fabulous! Friday night I had let our two boys and our girl out in to the garage to do their duty, I was following them out, and Whooop! There went my legs out from under me, the next thing I knew, I am sitting with a really sore rear on my stairs in the cold garage. I assessed the situation by seeing which body parts I could move, thankfully all of them cooperated, I was definitely all shook up, my rear was killing me, I had landed on the side of the stairs, I had not held on to the rail, and my swooning legs felt like jelly. I was also mad that I fell, I had just started to have such a great week, Ok so it hadn't been perfect or anything, but I was having a great time.

I decided that I had better get situated and rest after my fall, so I went to sit in my favorite spot. Wrong choice I discovered. After sitting there for several minutes I wasn't feeling so well, I gave Jason a call and he suggested that I take some of my Darvocet... Grrr! I am avoiding that stuff. I have really been trying to not take any pills, my tummy is not happy at all! I did take them and just relaxed for a while longer, I noticed that my muscles were not cooperating, and I couldn't get myself up. It wasn't that I couldn't move, it was that I had no muscles, and I was so achy. I had to call our teenage friend and ask her to come home, as Jason wouldn't be home until the next morning. She was at a school function, but she was also the only other person with a key to get in. Lovely! I am pulling her out of her activity. GRRRR! But no choice, I am now hurting worse and can't get myself up.

She and her boyfriend came over he is a very big guy he was able to help me up, I just needed some help. But by now I am worried, all the times I have fallen I usualy don't go to the ER and the time's that I haven't I have had problems. So my nerves and pain got the best of me I called the rescue squad to come take me to the ER. Fun Fun!!! Just loved doing that, Jason was already mad that I fell, he gets so worried for us he gets angry. It makes me feel so bad for being so needy. I used to never need help. Not with construction, not with housework, definately not with driving, not with anything, not that I didn't enjoy help but I didn't NEED it.

Now I depend on him for everything! Driving, Yeah, I didn't ever drive much, I still had my licence after the accident, since it wasn't my fault I didn't even loose any points or anything. But I never drove much because I have always been on so much medication since the accident especially the first three years that it just wasn't safe to be behind the wheel allot. There were days I wasn't having to take that much but they weren't very frequent... I have never been willing to put someone else at risk by my driving when I wasn't fully capable. I noticed my bad driving ability after my accident, I don't remember when it was exactly I do remember my in ablity, and the feeling of fear I had. I stopped driving for the most part after the incident. At least trips in to the city on my own. I kept asking my Dr's about driving, they never really thought much about it, told me not to drive with medication or until hours after having taken it and that was it. I still wasn't comfortable, killing myself in an auto accident I could tollerate, hurting or killing someone else, is not something that I could handle, especially if I were doing something that wasn't safe.

Well, the point of this being I don't drive, and since my birthday, I CAN'T DRIVE ANYMORE! I no longer have a drivers licence. Since I get dizzy/vertego since the accident I filled out that form that they send to you so you can renew your licence, and since I can not lie. ( I would be guilt ridden) I checked that box. I got told that I had to get a Dr.'s explaination for my medical conditions. LOVELY! They don't share that on the form! If they had I would have gotten that taken care of before walking in to the office. I would have been prepared.

So in going to the Dr. to get things sorted out for myself to see if driving would work for me. Jason has pretty much always driven me around but now he or some one has to. What makes it worse is living in a rural area where there is no public transportation. Woo Hoo, I really had the hope of being able to drive before, but since my Dr's visit, that hope has seriously gone out the window.

I am going to try some different med's to see if this wobblyness will go away. Which I HOPE it does.

So after having a few great days, my lovely visit to the DMV, falling going to the ER, staying in bed the whole weekend, going to the Dr... and finding out that getting myself to the point where I can drive will be a long shot. ( by taking medication that I don't want to take) Am I still happy? Happy yes, content NO! I hate taking pills that upset my stomach, have side effects, cause adverse effects, but I will try! I will try and see if modern medications have the potential to help me have a more self sufficiant life, so I won't be so dependent, so that I will have choices.

I will try everything to take the burden off of Jason. While he is so great to do all that he does, it isn't right. It hurts looking in to his eyes and see the shell of the person he is because he is so exhausted and spent by constant work, constant worry, and constant caregiving.

He is my blessing, he is my rock. But how can I keep doing this to him?

Exhausted but needing to write to get these thoughts out of my mind.

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