Monday, November 15, 2010


Well this is a subject I’ve been avoiding.  Mine. 


I mean I’ve been doing the basic things.. moving as much as tolerated, and eating reasonably well.  Except…


And this is where the truth hurts.


I’ve been referred to get more tests done.  I don’t want to.

I’ve come past some dates of getting some yearly exams/or biannual exams done..  I don’t want to do that either.

I’ve been eating well, except: Money had been tight and I was eating less, probably nutritionally starving myself, I was full, ate three times a day, but not the richest in vitamins of foods.  And I’d cut back on what was working for me quite well. 

Physical Therapy has become far and few between, mostly because I’ve been to weak to endure the trips to the office, partly because of timing and lack of rides to therapy. 

The truth hurts but not more than I have been hurting myself.  My nails have grown weaker, so I know my body isn’t taking in the nutrients it needs.  I am exhausted, my intestines are out of control, I’ve not been able to think, let alone write.  I have now thoroughly beaten myself up with wet noodles and am getting myself back on track! 

This all and I keep over doing myself.  Oh the joys.  I am zealous in my efforts, I wish I was as consistent as I am zealous!  =D



Self examination keeps our heads screwed upon straight.  Keep in mind my examination may be faulty, but at least I am doing the best I can.  I find that looking into what I’ve been doing and why keeps me moving forward, even though it seems as it is one step forward and two steps back some days.  I am doing better than I have been in years! 

I have hope, I keep wearing the glasses, today I actually felt shorter as I walked out into the garage.  I guess this is a good thing since my center of gravity has been centered way to high.  Let’s hope my path is fruitful.


I remember not so long ago that I would just pray to God to let me die.  I couldn’t move, I was always medicated out of my mind, the pain was not able to be controlled, and I was loosing my marriage.  ( I don’t mean that Jason was going to leave, I mean that I couldn’t even carry on a conversation let alone be a wife of any sort) 

I saw no end to what I was going through and did not want to be such a burden.  It was during this time that I and Jason were completely isolated.  Jason is not a sharer of information.  I couldn’t share the information, and no one knew what we were going through for years.  He used to come home and check to see if I was still breathing. 

I am not sharing this for me.  I am sharing this for you.  I share because I know that others may be going down a different path, but may still feel the hopelessness, the isolation, the stinging feeling as if you don’t matter to much of anyone. 

In today's society we have been taught not to pry, to not be nosey, the stigma’s of the nosey neighbor have gone the other direction into indifference and it now seems to be taboo in some circles to openly share and care. 

This comes at a price.  It is a steep price.  It is also there for protection.  I can imagine that today if I were in the physical/mental shape to be seeking a job, that it would be fair to assume that if someone googled me that I may not be hired based upon what I have been through, as well as the thoughts that I have shared, and the openness that I’ve created. 

On the same note, there may be employers out there that may be delighted to have an employee that has these qualities.  It is all a matter of perspective.  One of my favorite Photographers Jasmine Star, says that by what she shares she attracts and repels people, but that she is living her life authentically and that is just fine with her.   ( I paraphrased)  I love this philosophy, I’ve had this philosophy my whole life.  I am not looking to be best friends with everyone.  I do not have a personality that meshes with everyone.  No one does.  I am not concerned about repelling a few people.  If I were to repel someone, I would much rather have it be based on who I am than what I pretend to be.

Additionally I gravitate toward people who have opinions.  People who have their own opinions and reasons behind them.  I don’t always share their opinions but I at least know where they stand.  Wishy washy people, people that are pleasers, that tell everyone what they want to hear… they can go fly a kite for as much as I am concerned.  Those people cause me more harm than good, and if you are one of them to me you’ll soon find I am not going to hang in your space once I figure it out. 

See… all of these pent up thoughts are finally making their way out my fingertips.  I really haven’t had writers block, but lack of energy to write. 

Watch out!  There is more!


That’s it for now.  I am thoroughly beating myself up with piles of wet noodles.  It is a bit slippery in here these days so watch your step, I might have moved them.



Pink Doberman

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