Amazing what things you notice while you are still.
The colors become brighter and more distinct.
The textures seem to leap in to your heart.
Sounds sing so sweet.
Imagination can take a greater leap.
People cruise by with out a thought.
I sit and ponder.
Amazing bits,
Interesting shapes,
A smell drifts in.
My mind wanders.
Appreciation,
Acceptance,
Awareness,
No longer unknowing.
I feel everything even if I don’t want to.
Eventually.
Blessings,
Pink Doberman
I am in love with a memory of me. It is what I choose to see.
Things sometimes seem now so empty. Comparatively.
How do you reconcile where you used to be.
A place where I was so incredibly happy.
A place I felt as if I had wings.
Some days I feel glimpses of my memory in me.
Other days it is foreign to me.
They say time will heal all things… How much time? You see?
Over Six Years now it will be…
My mind I feel is playing tricks on me.
Pretending these days can be never ending.
Can you see through me?
Do you see what I see?
A girl who has lost her sanity.
It is a wicked thing that 90 year old man caused me.
I feel often so angry.
Because of my genes I may have had some of these issues inevitably..
I would have rather have gotten them gradually.
Naturally. Instead of in a crash.
Blessings,
Pink Doberman
This is such a broad topic that encompasses so many thoughts for me.
Instead of focusing on just one I thought I’d share my perspective on a few of them.
We all know people who go the distance. They follow through, they do what they say they will do. There is no grey area, no compromise, no substitute. There is passion, deliberate action, and complete confidence for whom they associate with. Going the distance is a description of excellence. I used to be one of those people. By choice it was something I worked hard to be. In many aspects I am still that person, just on a much smaller scale. If I say I will do something I will. I now give myself and others less firm deadlines, and more flexibility. But I am still a person who can be counted on to do her very best to deliver what was promised. I too appreciate people who go the distance. These people are RARE! I am happy to say I can call many of my friends people who go the distance.
I’d like to open your mind to some other types of distance and other ways to “go the distance”…
Right now, the distance I have to walk to get from my bed to the bathroom is difficult and painful.. I’ve done something to my hip joint that is causing me a great deal of discomfort. I can walk, thankfully. I wish I knew what I did to hurt myself like this. I have no clue. I just woke up all messed up. Ugg.. Joys of EDS (ehlers danlos syndrome) I am now wondering if I should stop eating and drinking… I seem to need to make this trip all to often today.. I know that many others also struggle with physical aspects of daily life, making sacrifices in choosing what to do or not to do. Some days I choose to clean a bit, other days, I choose to have fun instead. Today is a day where I did unload the dishwasher, but I am also planning to go to a birthday party for a friend, thanks to my friends who are coming to get me.. (more on this type of distance below.)
I’ve started seeing a pain shrink… Yet another Dr. G.. funny! We talked the other day about mental distance. Moving your mind from a former reality and dreams to a current reality and building of more dreams. Acceptance basically. This is a very difficult distance to cover. Not only am I having to cover this distance, but so is Jason. So are my friends. So is the rest of our family. Seeing you for what you were, and accepting and embracing who you are now can be difficult for people to reconcile. It is difficult for me to reconcile it has been a large painful distance to over come in my mind. I still travel it most days.
When I have gotten to the floor either by choice or by chance the distance for me to get back on my feet can seem impossible for my body to achieve. Having Luka or Jason around to help me up is a great way for me to over come the distance to standing upright once again. Jason helping me is by far the easiest on me. Luka helping me makes it possible for me to do it on my own. Both are great ways for me to get back on my feet. I am leery of help from others, in part because they may not know how to safely lift me for themselves as well as for me. (proper lifting techniques are important) Because I am so bendy and weak I can also be a rather flimsy object to pick up which makes it harder to get me up, and increases the chances I will get hurt in the process. The other thing to consider is an even bigger fear that I face. One that is an all to familiar reality… a fellow blogger shares her story here in her post titled Helping Hands.
This morning my husband said to me in preparation for a vacation he is about to go on… “I don’t know how to relax and enjoy my trip.” He will be going on vacation with out me. Going with me is not really a “Vacation” for him. He feels so far away from relaxation and enjoyment these days. I hope the distance he feels from relaxation is able to be overcome on his journey. Other caretakers/family members know this distance all to well. I felt it when taking care of my mother during her terminal bout with pancreatic cancer. She and my father lived with us and I was her primary caregiver/organizer. I wasn’t only taking care of her, I was running my business, managing her nurse care, her friends who came to also stay with us and visit/help with her, other family and friends who would pop in and out, spend time with my father, and still be a wife to my husband who just really wasn’t sure what to do with all of the people that had invaded his castle. Jason was also my lifter, gatherer, money maker, and all around emotional support guy. It is tough. We’ve been through allot. How do you separate yourself from this mayhem? How do you find you “happy place”. How do you go about keeping who you are from what struggle you are going through at the moment? I think the distance between your mind and you heart grows longer with each stressful moment, each night without much sleep, each day that answers don’t come. How do you bridge the gap? How do you find space as a caregiver for yourself, without the guilt or the fear? I hope Jason has the most glorious trip. I hope his journey brings him moments of peace calm and rejuvenation. I hope he has fun!
The extra distance my friends have to go to spend time with me. Since I no longer drive ( well not much lets just say) and I live out of the way from most of my friends, they have to travel out of their way a fair distance and take a portion of their time to come get me and then return me. This has taken some adjustment on my part as well as theirs. I hate asking for help. HATE IT! I do not want to be anyone’s burden. At the same time, I hate not hanging out with my friends or doing things. So for the most important things I am starting to ask. My friends are also starting to ask me more as well if I’d like to come along, and they’d come and get me. So I guess this is something that can work both ways, decreasing the distance of friendships. I am blessed to have such amazing and understanding friends.
I have also just gotten a scooter. I have yet to use it, as it has some minor issues that need to be fixed first. I am hoping that this scooter will help me with becoming more active. I have a fear of getting stuck somewhere because of exhaustion or a fall, even with Luka by my side. Some times the physical aspect of moving just becomes so much and my body crashes. I plan to use my new to me scooter to take me to the grocery store to get groceries, to the care center to see my neighbor, to the park to go play with Luka, downtown to the bank, out for walks with my friends and more.
Will I stop walking? NO. But I will use the scooter for longer distances, and then walk the shorter ones once I am there. Like my car! I don’t drive the car because I am medicated most of the time and I don’t want to cause an accident. But with the scooter, it reduces the chances of this greatly so I am feeling excited about expanding my world once again! Yippeee!!!!
These are a few of my thoughts on the subject of distance. I hope that they make sense to you or give you a greater understanding of what goes through my mind.
I plan to go the distance!
Pink Doberman
Assistance Dog Week Photo’s
Click Here to See the State of Nebraska’s Official Photo of our group with the proclamation!
Thanks to Mikki McCann Nebraska State Senator Kate Sullivan’s Legislative Aid for coming in on her DAY OFF to support our awareness campaign!!
She took these great pictures in the Great Hall!
Here we are… Me (Luka is taking five), The folks from NOAH’s SD Training Center, Nike and Lilly (under the bench), Roxann and Tay, The folks from Domesti-Pups SD Training Center.
Other folks who were present but not pictured… Stephanie a local independent dog trainer, Mikki McCann, My friend Gwen, Lt. Ron Baily from the Nebraska State Penitentiary’s Second Chance Pup’s Program and Russ. We had a great turn out!
Thanks Mikki for sharing your pictures!! As more people share their pictures of the day I will post them here also! We ended up getting lots of very blurry pictures of our day. So I am quite grateful for the pictures we did get.
Find out more. Visit the National Assistance Dog Week Website!
Blessings,
Pink Doberman
Another day without a whole lot to say. Pretty tired I guess. I’ve been sleeping allot. I guess my body must be making up for last week when I was not sleeping much at all. Migraines are still here. One almost every day again, I think I’ve been sitting up to much when I am not resting. I really need to get a different pillow I think. My neck is in knots after I sleep, which keeps flaring up the pain in my head.
No fun!
Other than that though the migraines are not horrible ones, just draining and annoying so that is an improvement. I am getting around better at least right now. Things seem to be staying in place, AND I am learning what I should and shouldn’t be doing as well. So this is all helping! Yea!
I hope to go for a walk this afternoon around the yard. Luka’s been getting plenty of exercise with his favorite friend Toby. So life is good. All he wants to do when he isn’t helping me or running with Toby is sleep also. Poor guy is getting so much fun exercise that he is exhausted! It is so good for him! He is loving every minute of it!
Oh on another note: one of my Sugru pictures was featured in the Sugru newsletter this month! How cool is that! Visit their site I am sure they have a link to it somewhere. It is one of the hacked perch and the finch!
Blessings,
Pink Doberman
Ok so with the Radio Frequency Lesioning/Ablation working now… I am feeling a need to get everything done. Problem is that the rest of my body is not agreeing with this method. =D
But I am moving about much better and with MUCH less pain from just having my head on my shoulders. So I am thrilled about that! THRILLED I tell you! It is a relief to say the least!
I’ve been going for walks! 1 block stop and pause for a bit one more block stop and rest let Luka run.. 1 block back stop and pause, 1 more block home and rest. Hey it hasn’t gotten easier and it hasn’t gotten worse. I am just thrilled as can be that I am able to do it!
Jason goes with us when he can. Otherwise Luka and I make the trek ourselves and wave at our neighbors as we pass by.
It isn’t much but it is something. Maybe soon I will start going out a couple times a day. I don’t seem to be able to do more than this right now at one time, but spaced out I bet I could do a repeat or two!
Luka thinks he’s going to die afterward, it is so dang hot outside. I do try to go when it is a bit cooler, or I just put his cooling vest on him and we go anyway. The humidity has not been agreeing with me as it has in the past. I am doing alright in it. Just not as good as I used to do. Since I haven’t been out much this summer at all, I would imagine that would explain why it may be more difficult for me than usual.
We’ve been having the air conditioning on quite allot lately as well. The temperature where Luka and Jason are comfortable at leaves me in long sweat pants and a huge sweatshirt. It is a funny site to say the least. I don’t mind really, I think I live in this attire all most all year long, except for when we are able to have the windows open.
In the winter, I wear the same things as well to stay warm.. Actually I probably add on a few more layers as well. Lucky for Jason that Luka has the same temperature preferences as he does, I’ve really tried to stop adjusting the thermostat for my boys. Even though Jason is kind and shares that I should turn it down if I get cold.. oddly in the winter, he prefers that I just pile on more clothes. $$$$ you know.
Well I don’t have much more to share, except that things are improving and I am thrilled! THRILLED! I am even able to do a bit more around the house again! Woot!!! LOVING THIS!
Blessings,
Pink Doberman
What keeps me going?
Several things do. Let me start by sharing, I have always lived my life looking forward to what new adventures tomorrow can bring. No I know that the word adventures can lend itself to good things and bad things. But that is life. Down deep I am a practical gal. On the surface you will think I am all diamonds and fluff.. Which is why it would behoove people to look at least three times before giving a final judgment.
Even when I’ve been in a medicated coma like state suffering with pain beyond wildest imaginations… I would keep saying to myself it will be over soon. Soon, I’ll be able to move. Soon I will be able to sleep, soon I will be able to have a conversation, soon I will be able to remember. Sometimes soon is all you have. There is no exact time definition of the word soon. I remember praying for God to take my life away. I remember my conversation. If I have done all that there is for me to do here, take me home. If I am to do something else here, I will stay. But if you are done, I am begging you to end this misery.
Jason would come home and check if I were still breathing, fearful that I had died in the night while he was gone. I prayed for my suffering to end one way or another.
I am here for a reason. This unknown reason is keeping me going.
I am taking life one day at a time, testing out and trying to be open to possibilities as they unfold. I am trying to be accepting of where I am at and the fact that I am still here. There is a mission that I am meant to complete. A road that I have yet to travel. A life that I have yet to touch. A reason to keep living.
I am not sure of the exact nature of this reason. I just know that there is one.
Blessings,
Pink Doberman
Today was a day full of blessings. I am so grateful! I had the best day physically I have had in MONTHS! It corresponded with some amazing people being in my space. I truly feel blessed.
I had forgotten how amazing it is to live.
Today was not easy for me like before. I just think I am finally transitioning mentally. I also believe that the Radio Frequency Ablation is now working! Praise God!
I am exhausted. From actual activity. I am sure my body will be sore tomorrow, but as I write this I couldn’t be happier.
Thanks to everyone who was a part of my Saturday!! Even if I didn’t know you before today! A special THANK YOU to my Long Time Friends for making this day possible! And to Jason’s Mom!
Blessings!
Pink Doberman
