Monday, August 2, 2010

gOiNg & gOiNg & gOiNg…..

What keeps me going? 

Several things do.  Let me start by sharing, I have always lived my life looking forward to what new adventures tomorrow can bring.  No I know that the word adventures can lend itself to good things and bad things.  But that is life.  Down deep I am a practical gal.  On the surface you will think I am all diamonds and fluff..  Which is why it would behoove people to look at least three times before giving a final judgment. 

Even when I’ve been in a medicated coma like state suffering with pain beyond wildest imaginations… I would keep saying to myself it will be over soon.  Soon, I’ll be able to move.  Soon I will be able to sleep, soon I will be able to have a conversation, soon I will be able to remember.  Sometimes soon is all you have.  There is no exact time definition of the word soon.  I remember praying for God to take my life away.  I remember my conversation.  If I have done all that there is for me to do here, take me home.  If I am to do something else here, I will stay.  But if you are done, I am begging you to end this misery.

Jason would come home and check if I were still breathing, fearful that I had died in the night while he was gone.  I prayed for my suffering to end one way or another.

I am here for a reason.  This unknown reason is keeping me going. 

I am taking life one day at a time, testing out and trying to be open to possibilities as they unfold.  I am trying to be accepting of where I am at and the fact that I am still here.  There is a mission that I am meant to complete.  A road that I have yet to travel.  A life that I have yet to touch.  A reason to keep living. 

I am not sure of the exact nature of this reason.  I just know that there is one.  


Pink Doberman

1 comment:

Dot said...

I really appreciate your mindset. The idea that we are all here for a reason, even if that reason has not been made clear to us yet, is one that motivates me to persevere through pain. I never articulated it as pithily as you do here -- so thank you!