I mAdE iT!

Waking up this morning, proved to be not as difficult as I had imagined. However, I did have to take a migraine pill along with the new one. The important things of the day, were the migraine pill worked, and I had enough energy to go shopping for a couple of hours, and then come home to rest. I have been pretty sore and tired today, but all in all a good day. I really did over do it yesterday, but would do it all over again, having a day like that was so worth it and I am so happy to know that I did not waste it.

Pretty much these days, I just click along doing regular things, not adding to much in to my day, not pushing myself a whole lot, just a little. The days go by and I am able to accomplish things a little at a time. Not to bad. But every once in a while a good day comes along with a burst of energy or less pain than average, and all of those things that you have been really looking at doing but just did not have the energy for seem possible.

I am not talking about rock climbing or running a marathon or anything but I might as well be. The people that do those train for months to perform those tasks... and similarly, all of those day's that I just steadily perk along seem to be the training I need for those one in a million days that come along. On those day's where I am just clicking along, doing the regular simple things, I am also planning and preparing, for the days where I will feel better. I lay things out, make lists, get organized, little by little, and then when the time arrives I am able to do those bigger things that need to be done.

Like making those curtains. I set up my area, gathered ideas, measured the space, made lists of supplies, on the day's where Jason was available to help, I would ask him to move any heavy items that I needed adjusted... then on a day I felt better, Jason took Luka and I to the fabric store, that had the best sale, and he helped me pick out the colors. I had already envisioned the general color, but finding something suitable is not always the best, and since he is living here with me I thought I would choose the fabric's that would work and he could help me narrow the choices down. It worked well, and he was able to carry all of those heavy bolts of fabric around for me. Until he could not take the estrogen levals of the fabric store any longer and I was left to my own devices.

Things seem to take so long for me to do them now. I mean, before I would just be able to focus and knock a project out in a short amount of time. The process I go through now is so deliberate, so planned orgainized, stratagized... I have to take schedules, logistics, cash flow, weather, and more factors in to concideration now, where before I did everything with deliberate action but more off of my cuff.

While I have finished one curtain for one window, I have several more to get done. I have everything packed and orgaized, the thread colors are matched, the patterns are packed the needles are organized, for my trip out west so Jason can fill in at the hospital, and we will stay with our friends for the week.

My friend, Jen, whom I have always done cooking projects, quilting projects, and more with, who we've always hung out with both her and her hubby is an inspiration, and she is a great motivator, as a person who enjoy's always being busy doing something just like me. While she has always been the more deliberate, and definately the instruction reader and follower, she has been my teacher when it came to the more complicated tasks... I more enjoy doing than figuring... thank goodness for friends. I can toss stuff together with out an exact pattern, I just visualize it and start... We are both good for each other, I give her creative options to the "directions" and she gives me directions for my "creativitiy".

My sister is like my friend Jen too, it is funny, how we collect people around us similar to each other. There are so many parallels in life.

On another note, there are also things, and people that make you stretch, make you try harder, who's symbiotic relationship may never develop into an easy going melodic rythem. You may thrive on the differences, and use each other to push the boundries, and who you always seem to be uncomfortable around, and you may even wonder if there is a mutual appriciation for each other. But you find that you are a better person for being around them, and no real harm is being caused, just simple uncomfortability. Uncomfortable is healthy I think, and pushing yourself to do better to be more to become more aware and more tollerant, is deffinately a good thing.

It's just the hard thing.

While being orgainzed and deliberate are not things I was born good at doing, or even really stressed during my childhood, I now find the skills nessessary and while I've been resistant over the years to adapt these atributes to my daily life, over the years as my Mary Kay business progressed, so did my skills in these area's. Thank goodness for that, while these things are not innate to who I am they are things I have had to learn out of friction in my life. Prompted by those who are different than me and knew better than me especially in these areas.

So, each day you work with what you've got and you work to improve yourself, you realize that it never ends, once you've improved one thing there is something else to work on. I guess that is half the fun. I never know what's going to come next, of course I would like to live like the Cleaver family as everything seemed so simple, so cut and dry, friction so easily resolved, and mistakes never repeated. I however am not the Cleaver's I wasn't rasied by them either... but I do admire the persistant principaled approach to problem solving, that the Cleavers presented. The willingness to do the correct thing even in the face of advirsity, and even when it wasn't easy.

The right thing feels right, it sometimes hurts, after doing it, you feel no remorse or guilt. Your concience is clear and you can breathe long clean breaths.

Make no assumption that I am perfect or that I am even striving for that, I just make a good solid effort to do things to the best of my ability, to not do something less than I am capable, whether it be the laundry, the dishes, or doing a makeover on Miss. Brasil before a large event. Each of those things are the same, each of those things are just as important every thing you do is important. It should be or you shouldn't be doing it. And if it is worth doing it it is worth seing it through.

I feel good if I've put my dish in the sink some day's, because that is all I could do, there is no shame in that. I made it to the sink with my dish I chose to do my best!

SpArKLinG cLaRiTy

Today as I sit here and write this, I am amazed at how much easier it is for me to think. I know this won't sound understandable to those who've not walked this journey with me, but today was so much easier to process my thoughts. It was like before the accident, except for the aching pains that I still have in my body, but my energy level was good, I was able to talk and process my thoughts clearly. WoW, I sure hope this day wasn't a fluke.

I hate to think that a little pill could do this for me but, I don't know what else it could be. I have had good days before, but this day seemed different, not only did I have more energy today, but my brain fog lifted! OMG!!! I loved today! I did get tired and have to take breaks, I did start to get very sore in my neck and back and did have to stop moving, but instead of sitting in bed watching tv or sleeping, I sat propped up and talked on the phone!!!!!!

Ok, so I used to be a phone junky! Yep, on the phone every spare moment of the day, talking to people, friends, family, clients, people I had yet to become friends with... & since the accident this has been very hard for me to do, it always took so much more of my concentraton to stay with the conversation, that I would get tired so fast, but not today!

So, I am holding out hope that I will feel good again tomorrow, I am holding out hope that even if the pain persists, I will have enough energy, and a clear enough head to deal with it.

Oh, how I pray for this to be true. I have my doubts as well, so many things I have tried, and so many things have not worked, so many, so many hopes burst, and so much time and money spent to get better. I guess that is why I am writing this at 3:26 AM. I am afraid to go to sleep and wake up with my crummy world back again.

Today, I woke up and took my new medication early this morning, I woke up again with a headache, not a migraine, different, this one was like the one's I used to get before, the one's I had always gotten, just right in the front of my forehead, not the one's that make my whole body ache, and sear with pain. I took a couple of Excedrine Tension just for precautionary measures as I hadn't slept very good that night I was very tired yet and went back to sleep. I woke up later, and noticed I didn't want to stay in bed.

Fine with me the less time I spend in bed the better! While this is my most comfortable it is my least favorite and most boring place to be. I like to be in this room the least because it is where I have spent the most time these last four plus years.

We'll I have lots more to say, but my fingers just managed to delete the other paragraphs I had written. To write them again would serve no purpose, since in my mind those words had already been said. And while I really don't want to go to bed in case this was just a fluke... and I will wake up feeling like crap again and not be able to think... I hesitate, as I want to enjoy this moment and enjoy my mind not all clouded over. But I am getting sleepy, and my fingers keep wrecking my words as I type as fast as I can to share what I am thinking.

I will end this post with one of the most amazing things that I saw today. About 2:30 am this morning, I walked into my living room and just took a moment to look out the window. ( I do this allot, I really don't look at any thing in particular, I just really like to see out side the walls of my home) outside was the most glorious view. It looked like glitter being sent to me from heaven. Everything outside was covered in the blanket of the sparkliest snow I have ever seen. The crystals of ice just transformed the outside of my home and my street in to the most glorious celebration. The street light's warm glow added to the amazement, the light shown on each falling flake and caused it to light up and spread sparkling joy as it floated toward the bed of snow on the street. And with it being 2 am there has been no traffic for hours, and the perfection of the picture, just gave me chills, and thrills. I can't stop smiling, and I will remember the glistening flakes for years to come.

A sparkling end to a clarifying day. And it is now time for me to say good night, sweet dreams, and I pray that tomorrow will bring more clarity.

sLeEp, BaD dReAm.

Waking up today was not pleasant at all, actually all night long I was waking up. I am not sure what time I started but it had to be three or four am. I usually try not to look at the clock, but after continued sporadic bouts of sleep, I saw the number six on the clock. I hate that feeling, I know that so many others struggle with this too! Oddly enough except for the rare occasion before my auto accident, I was the best sleeper.

While watching Oprah today, I heard the topic of artificial hormone treatments being helpful for many my age. While I am pretty sure that this isn't my issue, (I'd been tested and tried that stuff years ago) I think I will ask to be tested again.

With the addition to my life of the Absolutely No Driving Rule for me, the Dr. has prescribed a weird treatment for me to see if it will stop the dizziness, for those of you who've known me for years, not the dizziness I was born with, the blond kind but the actual vertigo, head spinning, legs failing kind. Jason was able to finally pick up the prescription today. He has to measure my blood pressure every day and record it. The goal is to raise my very low blood pressure to see if it helps with my being dizzy. I would sure love to feel better, and definitely stop falling, and those horrible feelings of not knowing where the ground really is. I would love to know that I was safe to drive, so I could drive again!

So for two weeks I will be on this medication, and then I will add another medication to that in the evening that will help me sleep, at least that is my understanding. My Dr. is trying something different for me because the things that would normally be used to raise one's blood pressure are a very bad idea for me so he won't let me use the regular methods.

Geepers, why is my body so peculiar? Oh, well it is what it is. We will see how it goes!

Jason got home this morning, woke me up before leaving again, he was just home long enough to change clothes drop our teenager off to school and run to his appointment to get his Jeep fixed, for the second day in a row of his free days. When he woke me up I could hardly move I had taken some migraine medication earlier, and it had not worked. By the way, I really wonder, when you get your medication and they have it in those "child proof" containers, believe me I understand the need for that, but at SIX AM, you have a migraine, you have arthritis in your hands and shoulders, and you can't see, OMG! Misery! I can't tell you how many times I have prayed that the container open and this morning was no exception. I managed to get the container open dig the tiny pill out of the package it was sealed in only to drop it, all of this using my sence of touch, I found the pill on the bed and took it. Only later to wake up after Jason left to take some stronger medication and have to pray that container open as well.

I really need better pill containers. I have no small children, and this is just ridicules! So now that I have been sleeping and medicating the day away, I am finally feeling better, not great but better.

I haven't really accomplished anything other than getting the dogs fed, getting a Mary Kay order placed in my mail box for Amy to pick up, and making some pasta for lunch, but I am happy I was able to do all of those things on my own. I am grateful for that.

I have got such great clients, Jason just mailed Gayle's order today, he will deliver Kristy's order tomorrow, and I am loving the ability to still do that! It is so fun to get an order via email, or a great phone call/voicemail, or face book message with what someone is needing or wanting to try, as well as stay caught up with what great things are going on in their life. That keeps me going! When I am feeling better I am dreaming of getting an event together here at home that will invite everyone in to hang out and play makeup or just have some great conversation.

Our teenage friend, has a friend who is also going through a rough time, and I am going to help her have some great Senior Pictures! We will plan several days that we can get together, and I will do her hair and makeup and take her pictures! I am really working to get my computer fixed ASAP! I will need it to edit her pictures, that software is on that computer, and we don't have another that will hold it. So with that project in front of me I know that something will happen soon, to get it to all fall together. I've been saving to get things fixed and soon I will be set! I am so excited.

I am also, working on another project for myself as well. I have begun the search for Luka's replacement. As he is an older large dog, he won't be able to continue helping me to the degree that I need for much longer and it can take up to two years to find a match for another trained service dog, I am in the planning stages. Not to mention the cost of getting another one. So I am in the process of working all of that out.

I am giving myself an education. Surprisingly all that I knew before about service dogs was that they could go everywhere, they were trained and I shouldn't touch them. While all of this is true the information about where to find trainers and more information was harder to find. Thanks to the Internet for this! You really can find out almost anything.

So, curtains, getting evaluated to work again, stopping the vertigo, finding another service dog, helping make a girl's senior pictures fabulous, servicing my great Mary Kay Clients, keeping my marriage strong, my friends close, helping our teenage friend, fostering dobermans, and doing as much housework and physical activity as I can. Hmmm, really that isn't bad. I sit here sometimes and think I am not able to do anything, but when I list it out, I really I am able to do quite allot.

Before I drove everywhere, and while I am holding out hope that the medications will work so I can drive again, the thought of not being able to breaks my heart. I loved to drive, I loved to be free to get out and see anyone at anytime. To make trips back to see my mom while she was receiving cancer treatment, to drive home to visit my grandmother once a week to rub her feet and paint her nails, to see client's when they needed me, and to see my sisters and friends when ever I wished. It was so wonderful. My trips in the car would clear my head allow me to focus and I also attended Mary Kay University in the car, listening to training CD's over and over.

I was able to drive in to see Jason at work on holidays, or really anytime I wanted, and now while other's families go to the fire station to see their spouse he spends the day with out visitors and I spend the day alone. While holiday's are really just other days, watching everyone else having fun with their families, has got to be difficult for him, and answering the question "Is your family coming?" With the word No, just has to leave a lump in his throat. It certainly does in mine.

Today, realizing that while he went to get his car fixed, I realized that he had no one to pick him up and take him home if the car needed to stay overnight. I was no longer going to provide that security for him. It breaks my heart. I feel as if I am waking up from a nightmare.

I can only hold out hope that things will work out. HOPE!

DaY 2 dAy!

As the day started very early for me as I stayed up to finish talking to our teenage friend. After some sleep and the start of my day for real, I woke up feeling reasonably good! Woo Hoo! I love that! Yesterday, I had planed to go in to the city with Jason to run errands, he had gotten home and was on a mission to fix his Jeep. When I woke up I was not feeling the best so I took some medication and slept a bit more, which was cramping his plans, so off he went on his own. Much better, if I had asked him to wait for me, which he would have "happily" done. The day would be one of stress-filled angst as we went from place to place. Sometimes a guy just needs some time on his own to do the things he needs to do. So after he finished his list he called and shared he was on his way home, and I asked him to run some of the errands on my list. Which he HAPPILY did! Much better! I ended up getting up around 10 am or so and for the day after having woken up at 6:30 with our teenager, and then at 8 am with him checking on me... so I was really happy with my speedy recovery! 10 am PERFECT! I still had the whole day to myself, now I don't really know that I did that much yesterday, but I did get some things done online to get caught up, and a few things around the house, I was busy on the phone, and I even walked 2 blocks to City Hall for a Relay for Life meeting. I was pretty tired after that but we delivered a MK order to Kristy and grabbed some food at the Legion's fundraiser before coming home. Where we met up with our teenager and her aunt after her Dr's visit, and errand running.

Since she's been feeling ill this whole week and hasn't gone to school, she went to the Dr... with out going much into that, we are worried about her mental and physical health as well as her finishing out her senior year! Senior Year's should be fun! At least some fun... she doesn't seem to be able to take advantage of that aspect, or at least hasn't been able to so far...

She is here again today, trying the things the Dr. suggested. I sure hope they can get things figured out for her!

While the trivial aspects of my life go on and on, I wonder how important is what I am doing? What more could I be doing? I did put a call in to the state agency that helps people with disabilities get re tooled and into work. I have an appointment with them next month. I had called before, but I just wasn't ready, so I am going to try again.

Luka is relaxing in the sun shining through the window, Ozzie is driving me nuts, Shelby is busy with a bone. I found out this week where Luka was trained, I spoke with the lady, and we are going to meet. I am starting the process soon of getting another dog trained for me since he is 7-8 years old already and they usually retire at 10 years old, so with taking one to two years to get a dog trained specifically for me, I need to have a plan in place and start raising/saving some money to cover the costs.

Shelby who has been living with us as a foster dog,,, www.doberescue-ne.org has gotten some good news too! She is going to be adopted! Feburary 7th! At least that is the current plan. I am so excited for her. We will certainly miss her but she needs a home where she can be more active! It sounds as if her new home will treat her like royalty, which is perfect for her since she prances around like a princess! It has been a long haul for her, but I think her forever home has finally arrived!

Ozzie, being 14 has it's privledges, as well as it's downside. He is definately getting up there in years, and has been slowing down, he has lumps everywhere, but seemingly is determined to make it through each day with all that he can cram in to it. He is wanting to be loved on more, and certainly sleeps his fair share, but is still always excited about a cat in the yard.

I love having their company it helps my day go so much better, they are always there for me, needing me, no matter how I feel or how I look, and somedays in both cases it is pretty bad! But hey, I am making it through!

I am looking forward to our montly trip out of town for one of Jason's other jobs later this month, I have plans to work on those curtains today, and I hope that some how I can get an order mailed, with my computer being down, my stamps.com connection is gone, and printing postage from home isn't possible. So I was hoping that our teenager would be well enough to drive me to do some errands today, but with her staying home from school again, that is out of the question.. So Gayle, your MK order will be coming soon! Thanks for placing it and Jason will mail it tomorrow for you I am sure!

I do plan to go out for a walk around the block today, but getting myself and Luka downtown and back is just too far to go.

Today is a gift! I am unwrapping it and seeing what it contains! I love surprises! If you are in the area, stop in! My sister just did, we spent the night watching 3 movies over the weekend when I was miserable! It made it so much better, while being miserable! We watched CHICK FLICKS!!!! I just LOVED IT! She did too!

DriViNg

So this past Friday, I was feeling so great! I had been for a few days, I was working on all sorts of things here at the house. Thursday night was just fabulous! Friday night I had let our two boys and our girl out in to the garage to do their duty, I was following them out, and Whooop! There went my legs out from under me, the next thing I knew, I am sitting with a really sore rear on my stairs in the cold garage. I assessed the situation by seeing which body parts I could move, thankfully all of them cooperated, I was definitely all shook up, my rear was killing me, I had landed on the side of the stairs, I had not held on to the rail, and my swooning legs felt like jelly. I was also mad that I fell, I had just started to have such a great week, Ok so it hadn't been perfect or anything, but I was having a great time.

I decided that I had better get situated and rest after my fall, so I went to sit in my favorite spot. Wrong choice I discovered. After sitting there for several minutes I wasn't feeling so well, I gave Jason a call and he suggested that I take some of my Darvocet... Grrr! I am avoiding that stuff. I have really been trying to not take any pills, my tummy is not happy at all! I did take them and just relaxed for a while longer, I noticed that my muscles were not cooperating, and I couldn't get myself up. It wasn't that I couldn't move, it was that I had no muscles, and I was so achy. I had to call our teenage friend and ask her to come home, as Jason wouldn't be home until the next morning. She was at a school function, but she was also the only other person with a key to get in. Lovely! I am pulling her out of her activity. GRRRR! But no choice, I am now hurting worse and can't get myself up.

She and her boyfriend came over he is a very big guy he was able to help me up, I just needed some help. But by now I am worried, all the times I have fallen I usualy don't go to the ER and the time's that I haven't I have had problems. So my nerves and pain got the best of me I called the rescue squad to come take me to the ER. Fun Fun!!! Just loved doing that, Jason was already mad that I fell, he gets so worried for us he gets angry. It makes me feel so bad for being so needy. I used to never need help. Not with construction, not with housework, definately not with driving, not with anything, not that I didn't enjoy help but I didn't NEED it.

Now I depend on him for everything! Driving, Yeah, I didn't ever drive much, I still had my licence after the accident, since it wasn't my fault I didn't even loose any points or anything. But I never drove much because I have always been on so much medication since the accident especially the first three years that it just wasn't safe to be behind the wheel allot. There were days I wasn't having to take that much but they weren't very frequent... I have never been willing to put someone else at risk by my driving when I wasn't fully capable. I noticed my bad driving ability after my accident, I don't remember when it was exactly I do remember my in ablity, and the feeling of fear I had. I stopped driving for the most part after the incident. At least trips in to the city on my own. I kept asking my Dr's about driving, they never really thought much about it, told me not to drive with medication or until hours after having taken it and that was it. I still wasn't comfortable, killing myself in an auto accident I could tollerate, hurting or killing someone else, is not something that I could handle, especially if I were doing something that wasn't safe.

Well, the point of this being I don't drive, and since my birthday, I CAN'T DRIVE ANYMORE! I no longer have a drivers licence. Since I get dizzy/vertego since the accident I filled out that form that they send to you so you can renew your licence, and since I can not lie. ( I would be guilt ridden) I checked that box. I got told that I had to get a Dr.'s explaination for my medical conditions. LOVELY! They don't share that on the form! If they had I would have gotten that taken care of before walking in to the office. I would have been prepared.

So in going to the Dr. to get things sorted out for myself to see if driving would work for me. Jason has pretty much always driven me around but now he or some one has to. What makes it worse is living in a rural area where there is no public transportation. Woo Hoo, I really had the hope of being able to drive before, but since my Dr's visit, that hope has seriously gone out the window.

I am going to try some different med's to see if this wobblyness will go away. Which I HOPE it does.

So after having a few great days, my lovely visit to the DMV, falling going to the ER, staying in bed the whole weekend, going to the Dr... and finding out that getting myself to the point where I can drive will be a long shot. ( by taking medication that I don't want to take) Am I still happy? Happy yes, content NO! I hate taking pills that upset my stomach, have side effects, cause adverse effects, but I will try! I will try and see if modern medications have the potential to help me have a more self sufficiant life, so I won't be so dependent, so that I will have choices.

I will try everything to take the burden off of Jason. While he is so great to do all that he does, it isn't right. It hurts looking in to his eyes and see the shell of the person he is because he is so exhausted and spent by constant work, constant worry, and constant caregiving.

He is my blessing, he is my rock. But how can I keep doing this to him?

Exhausted but needing to write to get these thoughts out of my mind.

RuLEs

Invincibility, I remember when this was a state of being for myself. At least in most situations, I always have been the "rule follower type".

Rules I break-
* fashion rules- who makes those anyway? If I like it I wear it! That's my philosophy, of course I look at those crazy magazines with those oh, so skinny people, but mostly I look at what Oprah wears, if she looks great in something, I might give it a go.

* cooking/baking rules- sometimes those risky behaviors just don't turn out so well. I am learning! Sifting is mandatory if it calls for sifting you MUST sift. Too much hot pepper is not a good thing, even Jason agrees with that!

* my mother's sewing rules- way to time consuming. She was perfect at everything, that is so not me! I am experimenting! She would make at least 3 trips down every seam, I understand you don't want something to ravel or come apart, but Geesh, there's gotta be an easier way!

* lie's little white one's that are for the good/benefit of someone, like a surprise party or something fun like that. I am not good at them anyway, truth is easier and always better, even if it stings a little or could get me in to trouble, I'd rather just fess up, and take the results of my actions.


Rules I don't break-
* laws- I had a sip of a wine cooler with friends on prom night and about made myself crazy thinking I was going to go to hell! Do I push the rule to the definition, YES, but don't go past, Yeeks, then I feel guilty for Weeks! Months! and YEARS!


Having a huge guilt O meter is good and bad. Good in the sense it keeps me on the straight and narrow, always has, when I have gone off course, I get back on track pretty darn quick, I just can't take it. Even if someone else is off of the track, I am compelled to let them know. I try to hold back, people learn from mistakes, I sure do. But wow is that hard to watch, I have found that even if I share with someone my experiences, in most cases they are doomed to not listen and go off making their own mistakes anyhow.

To some degree I did this too, although I sure try to pay attention to what mistakes other people find themselves making. I don't do this to judge anyone but I do this to try to learn from them BEFORE I am doing the same dumb things. I find that I have a great deal more empathy for others and way less judgment for what ever that is worth. I watch so many people keep repeating the same error's in judgment and they never seem to learn, and others are really out there trying to figure out how to do it better.

I rarely get things right on the first try, usually it takes a couple of times to do something, now it takes more effort since the accident on many occasions. I find that I am sitting down to think things through more thoroughly than before, just because if I am to put the effort into something I'd really like to do my research and set myself up to succeed before I end up with a mess.

Case and Point: I wanted to make a white sauce for spaghetti, Rachael Ray has instructions on how to do this in her cook book, so I get started with the first ingredient's things are going well, then towards the middle of her recipe, things have to get added quickly with stirring, grating, and other things. Needless to say, I should have prepped the ingredients before the cooking and adding things together began. I ended up with lumpy slightly burnt, rather yucky sauce for my meal, and I almost gave completely up.

Determined not to let this get the best of me, I made tuna sandwiches instead, and started on the same recipe a few day's later with my ingredient's prepped for entry into my sauce!

Wonderful! It is so good, and now I am not bad at making it either! Just have to plan ahead! Before, I don't think this would have been such a big deal, I was so fast at everything, I really took it for granted. Things would always work out for me with out much effort it seemed.

Things still do work out for me! I am certainly not saying that! Some things that I thought would work out haven't and I have begun to accept my limitations. But at the same time I am not going to let those limitations stop me from becoming great at other things.

So, I am going to keep my eyes and my mind open. I am right now making a plan.

InJEcTioNs & WinDoW cOvEriNgs!

While being driven around today, I was wondering if I would be up to writing today or not. For many days now I have really wanted to write, but was either not up to it or a computer was not available.

Today was the day to see the Dr. who gives my Epidural Steroid Injections. I got two today in my lower Cervical Spine (neck). I am pretty achy I must say, but I really am wanting to get something written down. This morning I woke up having fought off yet another migraine, this one lasted 36 hours I haven't been sleeping much and I woke up with migraine relief but completely exhausted. Prior to getting this migraine I had been working my butt off (fingers really) I've got lots of projects that I am working on. I am in the process of learning to do embroidery, I finished one pillow case earlier this week, I am wanting to get the matching case done as well. My first project will be officially complete after I finish that.

I am also anxious to finish a large project for my home. We've lived in our home for 10 years and really have never had "Proper" window treatments. Ok it is something that has never been that important to me, we had shades/coverings that while they did not look horrible they did not look finished. After having to get new windows, Jason mentioned to me that he would really like to have REAL curtains. So with a gift given to us at Christmas, Jason took me to the fabric store. He helped me for about 40 minutes in the store looking at some fabrics and then he had had it, so Luka finished accompaning me through out my fabric shopping experience.

I can't remember the last time that I was able to do some shopping for any length of time on my own! Jason went off to drive around town, while I finished my shopping at Hancock Fabrics, thank goodness that I had been paying attention to the sale adds! Almost everything that I needed was on sale that week! Woo HOO!

I got fabric from the remnet section for my kitchen curtains, and bedroom curtains, and then Jason had helped me choose the fabric for the living room curtains. Shopping for a pattern was next, then, I looked at the curtain rods and found some perfect ones for 60% off as well! PHEW! Ok, Ok, Yes I had never gotten curtain rods for our home. I know! Geesh, I used a few nails and had called it happy for all of these years. I thought it looked just fine, but evidently I am the only one with that opinion.

The ladies at Hancock's helped me get my selections cut! Thank goodness for their help as well! Jason came back to carry it all out, WoW, he was shocked, STICKER SHOCK! He never understood what REAL curtains would cost for us. And I had gotten almost everyting at at least 50% off! I mentioned to him on the way out of the store that that is why I had never decided to get REAL curtains before. But I also explained that this was also the reason that I was making them as when you shop for them pre made to get the ones that I would be happy with looking at for the next 10 years that they would have cost three to four times as much.

So, I have a huge project ahead of me. I have managed to get one window finished, of course I started making the curtains for the windows I didn't find curtain rods for... but Hey, I am started. I will take some pictures soon and share my projects with you.

It's not as if I don't have other things to do here, I have a list, but one thing at a time I am checking it off. My goal is to do things around the house, cooking, some cleaning, some laundry, and being present for Jason and our teenage friend with enough energy to actually be good company and keep our relationships on the right track. Since starting the curtains, I have stopped the laundry, and the cleaning, just not enough energy for it all, but I am still trying to cook when I can as I know that Jason dreads having to come up with food to make for meals.

I have been blessed to borrow our teenage friends laptop and am able to sit propped up in bed and type this all out! So much better than Jason's desk! I am just too short for his stuff. Hee hee!

Looking forward to this weekend I am excited that Jason has the opportunity to teach a great paying class, and that he gets to do it with people that he likes. I hope he enjoy's himself he even gets to stay in a hotel! While he is gone I've got my sister coming in! So Woo Hoo for me!

On another note, I have friends going to a party this weekend, it is a fundrasier, and they get to dress up in period dress. I LOVE that sort of thing! I will be thinking of them and can't wait to see their picture's and hear their stories.

Sorry Honey, tonight's meal is definately up to you! Luka and I are resting after our long day.

FriEnDsHiP

So, having not posted for a while, I am not sure where to start. Some of my days have been rather busy and some have been mostly unproductive. Just like normal I guess. These days I am doing everything I can to not take much medication. I don't know how well it is working yesterday I took no medication, I just rested and put up with the pain, but this morning brought on the migraine type pain as well, so I had to deal with that. Took some Excedrine the tension kind, it is easier on your tummy. It is helping, it didn't take it away but it is tollarable, the pain is still there in my body, but I am up and moving.

My computer is still not fixed but Jason got his going so, Woo Hoo, for now anyhow's & I am sitting at his desk typing away, not sure how long this will last as I am already getting tired and more sore after sitting in this position. But hey! I am up and moving! Woo HOOOO!!

So my friend from high school Ronnie, ( he doesn't go by that now) is heading off to surgery soon, his 39th surgery to be exact. He is 39 years old, wow, he's sure gone through allot. We sat together everyday in High School as I tried to be a good friend to him. He has Spina Biffida and has always been in a wheelchair since I've known him. We didn't exactly have the best relationship, he was always kinda grumpy. I was always annoyingly happy, honestly I think I drove him nuts. Not to mention that I can blither on about absolutely nothing. We both played the trumpet in band, we both would have excelled at the baritone I think but the band director never brought up switching, we were both not very good at the trumpet, but we both stuck it out! He better than me, I fiddled with a few other things, but he was always very consistant.

He and I stayed in touch into college, but then lost touch, I started moving around the country, and our lives just took other directions. He's been a great example to me my whole life. He's the nicest guy, even when he was grumpy, he and his best friend were always together, and still hang out today. His best friend Roger was also my example, a truly kind hearted guy, who was loyal, patient, kind, understanding, fun to be around, and who never cared about anything but the size of a person's heart. I am sure he is still that way, he married a gal that I went to grade school with and I they have cute little kids and are both so very wonderful. ( I am sure that they are still as wonderful as then, as I haven't seen them in years)

Watching the two friends, was so fun for me, I think many people go through their whole lives not ever feeling the devotion of a good friend, one who will be there through thick and thin, on who doesn't care what has happened, or what mood your in, what job you have, or how much money, or what you can do for them. These two friends really exemplified the type of friend I want to be for others. They each really cared about the other and understood that they would be there for eachother.

I have met so many people, from so many walks of life, to meet two good friends like these two men I have not seen an anyone else. Roger who could do anything easily, and Ronnie who struggled to do things at all, were the coolest people in school. They set the bar high, yes they didn't always get along, but they both never gave up on each other. And it wasn't easy. So today I wanted to devote my blog post to great friends, who really put their friendship on the line, friends who go the extra mile.

Ronnie and Roger, thanks for being my example. I sure hope that I can come close to being the kind of friend that the two of you exemplified for me & thanks for being my friend to! Praying that your 39th surgery will give you a speedy and full recovery!

RESOLUTE!

So, the new year starts over as they drop the ball. You have all of these grand intentions, and may or may not have follow through. I usually don't make resolutions. I really haven't since I have been a young child. I used to set pretty silly one's back then, and never seemed to take my intentions seriously. I just got out of the habit. As I got older I would take time to evaluate my life not necessarily when that big shinny ball would drop but periodically, through out the year to see if my life was progressing in a manner that I was happy with. I had found that things can pass me by so quickly and that some how I have gotten sidetracked with things that I really had not intended on doing. Some good and some bad. This past year, I feel I made allot of progress. I am certainly not on the plan that I had developed for myself and started myself out on years ago, but since I am on a different road than expected, seemingly held hostage while my dreams of my other life are put on hold or are going to be put to side permanently. I need to come up with a plan! That some how allows me to move further forward. Either toward the goals of my past, or toward some thing new. There is also the possibility of working on a combination of both, which I have been doing for the past 2 years. After the accident strongly for at least the first 2 maybe even 3 years, I was focused on getting my life back to the way it was. Can you ever go back? I have not found that to work so well. So onward I go.

I am finally to the point where I can think about other possibilities. Although I don't know what they are at this point for me.

Frustrating, I'd had my life all planned out! It was working out great! I was very focused and driven and passionfilled for my purpose. I loved it! I think that is why it has been so hard to let go of it and refocus on something else. I wanted the life I had with everything I was and I put all of myself into it! Jason did too! It is so hard to watch him see it all slip away. With our plan from before he should have been looking at retiring or at least having the choice to retire working as a firefighter at the end of this year. I don't know that he really would have, he really does love what he does. But be able to go to work with the mindset of really knowing he didn't HAVE to do it, he was really looking forward to.

I feel very guilty, that my promises to him are not being followed through on. That he will not have that choice, in fact that he has had to work every hour that is available to him at what ever job is available so that we can just make ends meet.

Please understand that these are not cries for sympathy! This is just as it is. The facts! The emotional facts of our situation. The things that we dreamed about and that both of us not just me put everything in to pretty much since we got married. For me it had started long before then when I first began my Mary Kay business. I had a plan.

I've never been one of those "hot shot" people who just start to do something and are imediately the best at it. I am actually one of those people who believed I could, I just put in the minutes, hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, determination and focus to get myself there.

Now it seems as if my age/physical condition will be preventing me from starting over and making it as far as I had intended. Not that I still couldn't do it, but the odds are now highly stacked against me. I've been trying to figure out ways to make it all start over, with a plan that might actually work with the resources that I have. I at this point not able to make it fit.

So now to realignment. I've done it before. It's not that I fear change, I actually welcome it, it brings growth, I was just so happy changing and growing in the ways I was before with the dreams and goals that we had set before us.

So this is the year for me of change. I am going to finally give up the dreams of my past and really figure out what it is that I can and want to sink everything I've got into. Figure out how Jason and I can come to actual terms with the adjustment and make the absolute best of what we've got.

This brings to mind the Beatles song, "All You Need Is Love". Hee hee! I feel as if that's what we've been living off of for the past four years. That God for that! Thank God for Jason! He is the biggest blessing to me, I know that it has taken all that he had and could muster to make it to this point. I am hoping that as this year progress's that he is able to come to terms with the loss of our dreams, and to help us create a new dream for our future.

So this year is not resolute. But is in flux as we are able to open our minds, and our hearts to something new. Something great! Something we haven't yet thought of or put into action.

The thing that is resolute, is my desire to finish up all that we have started on our house, to help it stop falling in on it's self! We've got a good start as last year the furnace and water heater failed on us with in weeks of eachother, the front of our house, the brick part started to fall off, and we discovered leaking windows, the day before Christmas new windows appeared in our home, so we will now just need to repair the brick and siding... and alot more but hey! It will give us something to do while we figure out where we are headed!

We do love our new windows! They are so much warmer and we can actually see through them, not to mention that the front of our home will no longer be falling off! Geesh!

So on to working on what's next for us, and that has lots to do with me! I wonder what I can do? I am going to continue working with my personal coach, I will also be checking in to more resources that may be available, maybe even some schooling...?? Yipes! Ok I am keeping my mind open! Everything is on the table!

Hey, over the past 4 years, I've hosted our 3rd exchange student, welcomed a grown family of four to stay with us for a few months to get resettled, I've welcomed another family of four with little kids and a mom who is deaf to live with us for over a year, I've learned sign language, I've fostered two dogs, taken in a teenage neighbor who is currently here, and I've begun to grow my client base back with my Mary Kay business and I have fought my best and worked my hardest to get my body and life back to preaccident conditions. I've come to accept that things will never be back to the way they were, and that my life now involves medication and procedures, a slower pace, less choices with more effort, and a service dog whom I do love and appreciate. While working hard at keeping my marriage strong with the man of my dreams who I've been ever so blessed by! I know that there's more and I know that I've been busy moving forward and helping those I can along the way. I used to do more! I want to do more! But now the question is how?

I am resolute in the fact that I am going forward! And no longer looking to the past for direction. Thanks Jason for staying on the ride!