Wednesday, September 2, 2009


With each day comes a pile of emotions. Some new some old. Some you can stuff, some you can't. Some creap in slowly, some ride in quick. Some are unexpected, and others you've been dealing with for a long time. What do you do when the bubble over and take you where you don't want to go?

I wish I had some answers. I wish I knew where to turn. People could look at me and never know I was in amazing amounts of pain, both physically as well as emotionally. To deal with it all takes every ounce of strength I've got.

It sometimes feeds in to my reserves I hold for the extra burst to get me through amazingly difficult or wonderful moments. When that reserve is gone, there is nothing left. No emotion holding back energy, no physical lift myself up energy, I am left one balling bundle of limbs. It is such a raw feeling, there is no control on my part, the pain of it all has taken everything from me.

Dealing with anything at that point usually becomes a disaster, I just need time, to rest. Time to collect, time time time. I need to focus and to gather, to hold and not release.

Not eating well, Not sleeping well, Not feeling well, Not feeling safe, Being physically challenged, Being pushed, Being Excited, Driven, or Motivated all can all push me over the edge, any combination and wow does it go quicker.

Today was a rough day for me physically as well as emotionally. I need to get my shake in me and it is already 8pm! Just to much. I've been pushing pushing. Even though I've been in bed for three days hurting and then miserable... Today, I was able to get myself up and out the door! Yea! Me! Some days are harder than others. My body just feels fried. It looks great, but feels fried. My resovoirs were depleated once again today.

Is it to much to ask that I can get myself to therapy, get something to drink, and drop something off, and not be a physical mess? What's more walking in to my house, seeing the mess left behind because I needed all of my energy to get myself out the door. I wish dishes would do themselves. I wish the floor would sweep and mop it's self. I wish the things I need done would just be easy enough for me to do and keep done.

Frustration, Anger, Points of Rage... It has been a long journey, many times I just wish it would end. But here I sit.

My plan was to take the boys for a walk, at least a couple of blocks. I wish. I don't like being cooped up! I need to get a day with nothing else to do. Tomorrow won't be that day, maybe Monday will.

It makes me feel even worse to have these horrible thoughts to be this angry and upset, and not be able to do anything to fix it. At least not yet. I hold out hope. Someday I will figure it out.

Thank goodness for my friends and clients! They sure can keep me going. The other blogs that I read help so much too. I really wish there wasn't so much pain in this world. So many people have so many things so much worse than me!

I am really rather quite fortunate! Very Very Very fortunate!

I really have to keep things in perspective! Keep reminding myself, it really isn't that bad... That it is the pain,.. It is just the pain making me feel this way. Ok... Breathe...

Gotta get my rear in gear.. SHAKE it helps! But gotta get to finishing this my fingers are calling it quits... Ouch! I wonder as I sit here freezing, if summer will come sooner this year! I am praying for summer to return!

Blessings, and Blessed!

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