Thursday, September 17, 2009

cOnTiNuaTiOn bUm…… . . . . . . . .

Getting it all in.  Having to go earlier, needing a break, I thought I would get the rest of my thoughts down and out of my head. 

Jason was great yesterday.  I don’t know , maybe after 5 years of hell he has finally just given up the guilt over the fact that he can’t fix me.  That he is accepting that what I need most is just for him to be there with me.  I hope the guilt goes away.  I know the anger is still there, but I hope that the guilt of being helpless to make our lives like the were before is gone or going. 

He did as he should finished out his class so we could have the cash to pay for this latest trip to the hospital.  And what ever else that happens.. grr.  He was there at the ER in time to see me before they took me to the CAT scan.  Thankfully that came back good.  His coworker Rodney showed up at the hospital, with is rig.  That was nice, he popped his head in to see me.  Hadn’t seen him for quite some time. 

He was there when we were told the scan showed no damage!  YIPEE!  Those are the words I like to hear.  Actually the words I would really like to have told to me are you’re all healed, everything is gone, and you can have your life back.  Here handed to me all on a silver platter!

That would be the ideal.  I am moving on though.  Both of us are.  Jason spent most of the evening just relaxing in bed with me.  It was so great just to have him here hanging out while I wasn’t feeling so well. 


Luka did good yesterday also, he laid down with me while I figured out what to do.  He was ready to be used to help me get up and when our cop friend showed up first, he did just as he was told, he was nice and a very good boy for him. 

Everyone who shows up to help, I of course know, that helps so much.  I hate that they all know me, but they also don’t just know me from hauling me out to the ambulance, they know me at least most of them do, from when I did disaster relief work, and showed up to help them.


Today, I am pretty happy with!  So much better than expected.  THANK GOD!  Ozzie was a pill today.  I don’t know what is up with our old guy.  What ever it is I wish I knew a cure for it.  Luka is doing better and better, the food was a good idea I think.  We’ll see.


I have been eating the chili that another of my neighbors so graciously brought over yesterday.  That was a super nice surprise!  Jason hasn’t been home to have any yet, I don’t know when he will be either.  Some good news though, I was getting ready to call my appointments for tomorrow and give them a heads up that I may not be there depending on if I have the energy to drive or not. 

Today, while I’ve been doing well, I my legs are going weak on me, I am getting worn out FASTER than I had been lately, and so pushing it by doing anything, just isn’t the best idea, I certainly don’t want another spill.  No therapy today, I can’t drive.  So here I sit.

The good news is that Jason doesn’t have another job to go to tomorrow.  That job got canceled!  Woot!  Which means I can go to my therapy and Dr’s appointments for sure!  Yea!  I will feel better for sure!  If I miss these appointments I get worse.  If I keep them I keep getting better… SO.. I want to go, I really don’t but I do for the sake of continual improvement.  I’d really never like to see another Dr. again!

The day will be another hurry up and wait for Jason, which I so appreciate on his part.  I hope he can find something to do.  I might call the guy from craigslist, I found a kitchen sink with a faucet on Craigslist for $10.  We were supposed to meet yesterday at his workplace, but he ended up having to go to an emergency, and so did I… so weird!

A few of the people I have met on Craigslist have been a little weird.  But most have been normal, and some are people that you click with.  I met Amy and she is awesome.  I am going to look to her when I need some help using Craigslist to sell a bunch of our stuff.  That way we can have money to pay stuff off.  Woot! I want to do things correctly so the proper amount of research needs to go in to it.  I don’t think I am too far from posting things.  I will of course make sure that all exchanges are done with Jason present or in very public locations.  So I need to plan for that as well.

I talked on Facebook tonight to a friend who I have pretty much lost touch with.  And sadly so.  I missed their wedding.  It was when I was in so much pain and so highly medicated.  They called once as well, when I was medicated allot as well, I remember parts of the conversation but not much of it.  It isn’t a conversation that I handled well at all and was pretty upsetting to me.

I realized for sure after that conversation, that I shouldn’t be talking to people on the phone.  As the medication takes over.  I sound crazy and not myself.  I think I had done that with several clients as well.  I think that is why they stopped buying from me.  They didn’t understand, and I sure can’t blame them.  I sounded loopy. 

I see that in so many others as I meet more people who have similar or very painful injuries or illnesses.  I can for sure empathize with them.  Even I have a hard time not looking at them as if they are crazy at times.  I have to fight perceptions and remind them that it is the pain and medication doing that, not them. 

I see how others treat them, and remember how I was treated too.  It is heartbreaking.  If you haven’t been through it or been around someone who’s gone through it, you probably wouldn’t understand. 

It was so nice to talk to my friend again.  Facebook, Craigslist, Email, etc. are all great things!  I am so thankful to be able to have access to them.  I can feel like I’ve gone somewhere with them. 

Speaking of friends.  I haven’t seen some friends in way to long.  We usually leave here and go there once a month.  We’ve missed it lately and I sure can tell.  I do so much better emotionally if I can get out of here.  Going there is so great.  I don’t have expectations, I can just be present for the moment.  Being out of our normal environment helps too.  But catching up with our friends is the true gift.


This weekend holds quite allot of activity for us.  I am not sure how much I will actually partake in, but time will tell.  Jason has already canceled the plans with his parents for Fri night.  I had been bad about getting things checked out for that anyway.  I am looking forward to going out with them.  Just with the condition I am in I would rather cancel now than later.  I can rest on Fri night and then be present for my friend coming on Sat.  I think she will give me a little help around the house too!  My dad arrives for a night as well.  Then wedding plans for a cousin as well.  I am not sure about that one either.  We’ll see.  I’ve gotta have enough energy for therapy on Monday. 

We will look forward to going out with his parents when there is more energy.  We will both be present that way for a nice evening.

I am slowly getting my house eclectified.  I had a friend from my past come over.  She looked around our house and said where are all of your unusual things, what happened to your cool decorating style?  I shared that I couldn’t clean all of those things.  So after hurricane Katrina happened I loaded up about 20 big boxes and just shipped everything extra out.  How many bibles does one person need?  How many decorations, or baubles, how many dishes, or sheets, etc.  I was just thrilled to do it.  I am now in the process of getting my curtains done.  Finding other things on craigslist or recycling and reusing things.  I think my style will be even more eclectic this time around as it is going to be done on a shoestring budget.  I think it will make it all the more interesting!  I am gathering tons of ideas and one at a time I will put them in to action! 


Well, I have for sure said enough for the day. 

Blessings and Sleep Tight!

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