Friday, January 15, 2010

M&M * &M….mmmmmmmmm

So it is no secret that I have been feeling the effects of winter.  No secret that I am lonely.  Not lonely as in desperately needing.  But wishing for a way to be around more people more often. 

Even if that were possible, and I am sure that anything is with enough persistence and begging..  {SMILE}  This period of my life may be something that I just need to suck up and get used to. 

Although I wish I could hold my head up.  If I could that would make this whole stuck in my home experience more tolerable.  I do quite well when I can bang around and I please. 

Before while on all of the medication I could only lie down, and zone out to the tv.  I would sit up occasionally to be on the computer and to do what work I could, but soon learned that talking to people in a medicated state proved worse for my business relationships that not talking to them at all.

So I stopped talking to people on the phone.  I couldn’t get to many places easily it seemed the more I would try to do then that the worse I would get as well.  I don’t do well taking pain medication.  My mind just doesn’t deal.  It just shuts off and goes to la la ville. 

I don’t mean all high and happy… I mean like zoned out and spaceier that usual.  Which is not good.

I am pretty sure after reading an article on Females with ADD or ADHD… that I have some version of it.  I have always been spacey.  My teachers would write notes to my teachers asking for me to pay better attention in class. 

I was bored and if you would fidget, you were told to sit still, if I would talk I would get detention, so I learned to sit there and just space out.  I then became a perfect student except that I missed entire lessons and then had problems answering questions and taking tests. 

I guess, girls get it and have differences in their behavior than boys.  Now I am not self diagnosing.  I am just remembering and matching up things with this article.  I cope quite well I think.  Considering that I have to work each day to keep myself mentally present to life.

It would probably be easier for me to just go back inside my head and live there.  But I’d much rather have others around me and the interaction that real life brings.  The joys are greater. 

I also know what kind of devastation I would leave in my wake if I just mentally checked out.  I can’t bear to do that to Jason.  Or anyone else.  But he’s the one I would hate to have suffer for me loosing my battle to emotionally cope.  So on I fight.

Don’t get me wrong, I do check out!  I have to.  I go into dreamland, and what had grown to take over days weeks and months, I gained better control over it. 

It still kicks in regularly… the lovely {sarcasm] PTSD.. but I hide it better, I know what it is so I am not freaking out about it any longer.  Acceptance is something that helped me so much. 

I will say that staying busy, staying focused on things that I have control over is the key.  Not having control, can really really mess me up.  If I don’t have control over it I will fight to.  It keeps me safe. 

I see going through this mess over the past almost 6 years, that I don’t have control over my body pains, or all that the accident destroyed.  I do have control over what I do this minute, what I focus on right now.  What my fingers can do or what I can read on the computer. 

I also still have control over many other things.  Those things keep me in check.  Jason suffers for my need to have control.  I think it has gotten better.  But it has also gotten worse. 

He does control more in my life than I used to let him.  Maybe control isn’t the right word, contribute may be a better one.  I don’t ever relinquish when it comes to myself, but I do consider, compromise, contribute, and all of the other things that go along with life. 

I do this better than I used to.  Or at least I believe I do.  I have less to contribute so I try in different ways to make a difference.  When one door closes window opens.  Sometimes you have to move to another room to find the open window. 

I think this is starting to become less and less clear.  I am typing this at two in the morning now, I wasn’t sleepy before.  But I now am.   I don’t recall what I have written, but I will post it in a couple of days anyway.  

It might give some more insight to what I go through that may actually benefit someone else.  That besides keeping Jason up to speed with me is a benefit I hope this blogging does.  At the very least, it does save some time for me in explaining what I am going through or what has happened. 

Blessings, regards, and sleep!  So tomorrow can be a better day! 

Pink Doberman

And as per the title for this post, Jason thanks for the two  big bags of peanut M&M’s I have survived on those for the past 5 plus years when I have my worst days.  Which used to be every day but now is only lots of days…

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