RaMbLiNgS iN tHe MiDdLe Of ThE nIgHt~

As I write this in the middle of the night not being able to sleep yet again. I thought I'd actually take this time to do a little writing.

Yesterday one of my lifetime icons passed away. Oddly enough, other things happened yesterday as well that stick in my mind. Farrah died yesterday, I grew up watching her on Charlies Angel's and of course was heart broken when she left, I also adore Cheryl Ladd who became her replacement.

For some reason she stuck with me over the years, maybe it was because of her hair... I even have a bust of her that I got as a child, you could cut her hair, and put makeup on her. Looking back that may have been one of the things that made me excited about Mary Kay. I no longer have the makeup that came with her, but of all the childhood toys that I had, that one is the one that I have kept. I kept her and a doll, named Darcy, that doll was a fuller bodied version of a Barbie. Being a big fan of a movie star is something I grew out of pretty rapidly.

There are very few people, let alone movie stars that I have a very deep amount of respect for. I respect many, some of the people that I hold in the highest regard are:

• my parents, who might not have done everything right, but did their very best raising me.
• Jason who's quiet, laid back nature, gives me strength stability, and lots of unconditional love. It is great to be his wife, there is so much to learn from his personal character, that can easily go unnoticed. He is fun, funny, and smart and one of the most outstanding people I know.
• Mary Kay Ash, she persevered through so many obstacles, and kept a positive attitude and kept trucking along, and she did so by lifting others up along with her. I really admire those qualities.
• Many other Mary Kay women, including Joyce, Rena, Stacy, Amy, Ava, Trish, Karen, and many more I am sure that I just can't think of right now. These women strive/strived for excellence, while helping others be their best too. For me things have never been about the money, that was a perk, but when you can help someone else do something they never thought they could do, there is a great joy that grows inside you. Each of these women and many more, helped me grow, not only in my Mary Kay life, but in my personal life.
• As a child growing up, Icon's such as Farrah and Suzanne, while playing roles that were stereotypical, would make it work to their advantage, and seemingly come out on top. In their real lives it was harder, the challenges stronger... I am blond, not a bombshell by any means, but blond enough to be stereo typed, and smart enough to realize it. These women were too. While I may not ever agree with every thing anyone does, I admire so much the people who go through this life on their terms, who don't accept less of themselves, or those around them, who love unconditionally, and accept defeats as growth moments. Both of these women did/do even though I don't want to walk their path. I am walking my own.
• Friends Jen and Brent, who also give unconditionally, who teach, encourage, and power through, while doing things right!
• My sisters and cousin and many more, who, just love me no matter what, even if they might not like me at the time!
• Jean and Mike, who I would have never chosen to live my life like, but I admired them for their courage walking their own path, even though I believe that it led to their destruction. Neither of them let others put them in a box. They were both profound people, who will be missed as great friends from my childhood.
• Anita Hill, she stood up, while late, and seemingly without reason at the end... it seemed to me. Except for the fact that just for standing up and saying what happened was wrong, tremendously impacted my life. I knew I could stand up too! I will always be grateful to her.
• Rosa Parks, she had courage, and strength, at a time when it mattered.
• Ronald Regan who treasured and valued his wife and her opinions, even in controversy.
• My Grandmother who even though some would say she had nothing, she had everything!
• My Granddad, who was wrong about something very important, I loved him more, anyway!
• ........ the list goes on and on!

I watch so many people who are afraid to live up to their potential. Who won't grab on to something and stick with it through thick and thin, truly giving something everything they had. They let things inside them stop them, everyone has set backs, but when you let those set backs determine your destiny, I feel sorry for them.

I have been plunking along an unknown path for a while. I had given my Mary Kay business all that I had, even through out the past 5 years, there did come a point a while back where the choices no longer became mine. I had gone as far down the path as I could with out starting almost completely over. I contemplated that, I still do to some degree, wonder, should I start down the path again? I loved it.

Lately I have been feeling compelled to start on a different path. In a Barbra Walters interview, Farrah mentioned having stopped being on the hit show because she became bored, it didn't stimulate her, it wasn't pushing her and she wasn't growing. Or something to that effect. That is something that sticks with me. While I know if I got every thing all lined up again to go down that path, I could do it. Even with the difficulties of the last 5 years.

Physically I would have to have help, I would need a driver, and someone to carry my things, as well as someone to help me remember the little things I seem to forget. But I know how to do it! I know how to teach others to do it, I know how to motivate others. But would I be stimulated enough to be satisfied?

That question along with the resources to actually make my business's happen to the point of me being satisfied and stimulated is not something that is pursue able at the moment. There is no money for someone to help me do these things, other's have said, can't Jason drive me around, yes, and he does! But Jason is very busy doing all that he can just so we can survive, without becoming homeless. When he is not doing that, which isn't often at all, he needs to rest, or do something that recharges his batteries. If I am going to have a husband that lives long enough to grow old with me, which is what I want, I need to take as good of care of him as I can.

Another thing that happened yesterday, I saw on TV, a mother, fessing up to a hit and run, in which she killed another mother. I don't know all of the circumstances or anything like that. She turned herself in the day after. She woke up told her children good by, and took herself to the police station. While there is much fault with her driving off. For not sticking around, and for waiting til the next day to turn herself in. She got to say good by to her kids, which is more than the mother she hit with her vehicle got to do.

To say I admire her for pleading guilty, for admitting what she did was wrong... I don't think admire is the right word at all. I've never been in that situation. I pray to God that I never will be in any situation as horrible as that or even close to it. I work very hard not to cause other's pain. It doesn't mean I don't sometimes do things that hurt people, but an intent to damage certainly isn't there. Things may go through a person's mind about what to do or not, some of which are not so pleasant.

At any rate. She did turn herself in. In turning herself in she is also admitting what she's done. She isn't hiding behind an attorney, or not speaking at all, instead she is talking about it, apologizing for it and being extremely remorseful. I can't help but think that, but doing that she is also helping herself, helping her family, and most importantly helping the family that she damaged by giving them opportunity to grieve and come to some sort of closure eventually.

Being outraged by someones actions, being repelled by something that someone has done, is easy to do. I have found myself in that situation repeatedly. I am sure I have done things that other's might find personally or not personally offensive, or at the very least disagreeable to their standards, and values. Each of us is different. We have each been raised differently, we each think differently, we each want different things, and we each value different things.

Thank God for that! Through diversity comes conflict, through diversity also comes understanding and all things good. What is going on in Iran at this moment, is a perfect example, there was a point that people could have agreed to disagree. Transparency, is something that aids in that. Transparency is not at all what is happening there. A huge cover up is taking place. It is damaging to everyone involved, and to the reputations of Islam, and to people on both sides. While I am not a believer in Islam, many of the things I do understand about it, would lead me to believe that this is not the way things should be worked out according to it.

Sometimes, things become so painful, so personally hitting home, that while there is forgiveness, what has been done, seems so personally painful, that whom ever created that action may be pushed away, or not allowed back in a close manner into someones life. I find that I do this. For me not because there isn't forgiveness, or understanding, but through learning from my past, letting people back into my life who've caused damage, I have found for me not to be healthy for me to function. Hurt me once... you will be kept at arms distance. Do something that hurts me me deeply... you will be out of my daily life. I don't function well, around people whom I don't trust. I am not at my best, there for I can't give my best. I don't want to be on guard with people, I do not feel free to live my life if I feel as if I have to be looking for ways to protect myself from someone else's actions or words.

It doesn't mean I don't want the best for them. Or that I don't forgive them for things. Or in some cases, it is just an agree to disagree issue, that hits to close to home for me. People can change, people can learn from their mistakes, they can grow, and they can move on. I make mistakes, as everyone does. While I don't like admitting when I've made a mistake, if I feel as if I have made a mistake, you will get an I am sorry I made a mistake. This is difficult for me to do, but I feel worse knowing someone else might be hurting from something I have done.

They can choose to accept my apology or not, either way. That is out of my control, but doing what I can control is all that I can ask of myself. That is all I believe anyone can do.

There was a person who caused my accident almost 5 years ago. I know he didn't mean to. From the moment I saw him pull out in front of me, there was no anger directed at him from me. I am angry that this happened to me, I am frustrated, I feel helpless, I feel emotional and physical pain. I feel the most pain for Jason who has to helplessly watch as I suffer. Having watched many people in my life suffer through physical challenges, I understand some of the frustration and anger that he feels.

This year coming up is hard for me. This was to be the year that I retired him. Or at least gave him the financial freedom to stop working if he chose to. I was working a plan, our debt would have been gone, I figured with the growth my three business's were experiencing even on a conservative track, that the debt would have been gone, and I would have been earning on a very consistent basis more than we were both bringing in at the time of the accident.

While I was never one of those people who were going to shoot to the top, I was consistently improving, step by step, day by day, and dollar by dollar. Even in today's economy, the businesses that I had are excelling. I would have had at least 2 offspring directors in Brasil, and a much larger unit here in the US if not a director or two. I was building my way to the top of the Mary Kay system. I wasn't doing it for the money, but I was doing it for the choices that I could offer my family.

Offering Jason the opportunity to work or not was something we'd talked about, something we were both working for. One of our girls is now a director in Brasil, we are so proud of her! She did it anyway. The two that I had selected to work with in Brasil, are both Directors! I am so proud! My girls did it! I helped them create a stronger future for themselves. I wish I could continue to be a part of it! I was able to help others as well. I feel great about that too!

There are so many things that I feel bad about, that were out of my control. I am one by one letting them go. Coming to terms with their death if you will, and building my life in other directions.

I don't give up, that is something that has made this transition so hard for me. I work very hard to see things through. It isn't something that comes naturally or easy for me. But it is a commitment that I made to myself. I think it is one of the things I value most about myself. It is also the thing I value so much in others as well! Farrah did not give up! I am not either, I am just transitioning! When life gives you lemons pucker up! It might be sour but it won't last long and you'll be better for it!

I guess I am choosing to head down a different path now. I will keep my Mary Kay Client business as long as my clients want me! I love my MK Clients! I love playing with colors, helping them meet their skin care needs and hearing what is going on with them! I really love Mary Kay the company! So I plan to stay affiliated!

But I am shifting gears, and I am going to start focusing on something new. Not for money, but just as Mary Kay products helped me, and the company did too! Because Isagenix has also made a significant change in my life! I feel compelled to share this as well. Even though in the beginning I had no intention of promoting it at all.

I will share about anything in my life if asked, and I am in a safe environment. I hold no secret that I would never share. I may not like sharing somethings, but if I see how my sharing something painful to me may be able to help someone else. I owe it to those around me to share. I wish so many others before me had shared, had spoken up, instead of remaining silent. I would have been stronger for it. I am so grateful for those who did! For the women who demanded more, for those doing it their way, for value being given when it wasn't popular, and for having the courage to fail over and over again on their way to success.

I think about the accident every time I see a car sitting on my right waiting to pull out. Whether I am driving or not. The emotions I was feeling when he did pull out happen to me over and over again each time that happens. The sinking feeling the bracing feeling, the feeling of having done all I could but knowing it was still going to happen anyway. All of it comes flooding back in a split second. I see his face when he realizes I am right there and going to hit his car. He pulled out so fast, everything I had in me was trying to change destiny. While I was doing nothing wrong, I wasn't speeding in fact my foot had already been on the break, getting ready to go back to the gas at the top of the hill... when we collided it felt as if all forward momentum, shot back into my body as we went the few feet to the corner curb, and what hadn't gone through my body in stopping had gone into his car as I hit his car just behind his body square on.

Should old people be allowed to drive? That is a question I certainly don't have the answer too. Having had my freedom taken away, I understand all to well the helplessness a person would feel, as they would not have that privilege any longer. I can also understand the compulsion to do it anyway, but the guilt I would have if something went wrong is for me much stronger. Everyone is different, everyone has good days and bad.

Should that mother who hit the other mother have been driving that day? Should she have whipped a Uie among other undetermined factors? Hind site would say no! Should all of those people who talk on their phones, and pull out in front of people while doing so be driving? Or the person who's eating, or feeling ill? How about the driver who hasn't slept, or drank just a little? What about the person who had a heart attack while driving? Or the one who chose not to renew their insurance? Motorcycles? Should kids be allowed to drive souped up cars? What if you are driving in icy conditions? Or rainy ones? How about the person who is doing everything correct, and still ends up the one injured in an accident?

I don't have the answers! I know people who've been in all of these situations!

If you are driving a car, or in a car or standing around moving cars you are at risk. That is why we are all supposed to have insurance. Accident's happen, and when they do, if you accidentally did something wrong you are able to do something to set it somewhat right.

I am thankful to the man who hit me and came to check on me even though his own head was bleeding. My door wouldn't open but my window would. He apologized and I said it would be ok, and please go sit down and let someone help him.

I am sure he hit his head on the drivers side window, as he was looking directly at me a 1/2 second before we collided and then his car continued to shoot off into the street behind me with his foot on the gas and any momentum I had left when we collided. I don't know how far he was behind me. I never could see. I couldn't turn to look it wouldn't work and my body was going all numb, and tingly. The police officer helped me with my drawing later, and that part was over.

I to some degree feel as helpless as I did the moment after the collision. Still stunned at the turn of events. I've accepted them. I am doing all that I can. I have often wondered about him. My heart hurts for him. I am sure it was unintentional that day on his part. I still can't help but wonder, was he on any medications, was he having a bad day, had he been distracted by something that happened earlier, was he too old to be driving... or were there other factors??? Does it matter? Would it change anything? No it wouldn't. For me it would change nothing. I hope for his emotional sake it was as simple as him not looking both directions in a timely manner before pulling out infront of me. As that alone is more guilt than I would ever want, and would wish on anyone.

Everyone has done something that there are consequenses for. While I don't like going through some of the consequenses I've gone through, I hope to learn from them and grow, so I don't repeat them and I can move on.

iSaGeNiX Size 16 to Size 2! WoO hOo!

Ok, so oddly enough, I don't post for days and days, and now I am posting twice in one day. Hmmm. I've been going through lots of changes lately, some of them have been hard for me to see. Even though literally everyone else can. I think I am coming around! I am sure those closest to me will be happy about that.

So the change that has been taking place with me has to do with my weight. I have mentioned that I thought my weight was alright, I did. I had accepted the fact that since my movements are limited, and I don't have much stamana, and that if I move incorectly I will be in alot of pain. So having also accepted that I had also accepted that I at least right now can't do standard forms of excercise. So I thought there was really nothing more that I could do about it.

It isn't that I hadn't been eating healthy either. I really tried to eating as much fresh food as possible. But when you really don't move alot I guess that means larger clothing sizes, I had just accepted it. I still liked myself, and I was still happy. But now being able to actually cross my legs with out effort, and being able to get in and out of bed so much easier. I can get to my feet much easier, and while I never really noticed that I'd been changing exept for my clothing sizes going down, in the mirror, day to day, to me I looked pretty much the same.

Jason and a few other people close to me have voiced their concern about not getting much smaller. I hear them. It is not my intent, nor was it to even be this small. I truly did just start the Isagenix program for the nutritional benefits. I really wasn't thrilled with the prospect of having my bones crack and break as I get older. The doctors reaked me out pretty good, not to mention hearing my mother's voice in my mind about making sure I had enough vitamins especially calcium and vitamin D.

That was my and still is my main concern. So off the program I will not go! I love it! To me it is no different than eating Quaker Oatmeal for my breakfast. I now just have Isagenix shakes! I love it.

This has also worked out so well for me. I want to use the energy that I do have on things that matter to me that I get done or do. I don't think the time spent cooking should interfere with the things I want to do. But it did. If I were to actually cook a meal, I would not be able to do many other things. It just took so much energy to stand there. And since Jason cooks Hamburger Helper or some version there of most of the time if he has to cook... well, honey, I love you lots, I am grateful for the three years you fed me when I couldn't get out of bed to do anything. The Tuna Helper was great! I had food! I was grateful! But if I never see another, let alone eat another boxed meal except for an occasional Kraft Mac & Cheese, I would be thrilled!

So having the shakes that take a minute or two to make works perfect for me. I can make a couple meals a week and eat leftovers, things from the garden, and other fruits and vegies, and I am good to go! So is Jason! It is working so well for us!

I really hadn't planned on sharing with anyone about this. I mean people knew what I was doing it certainly wasn't hidden, but more and more people keep asking. I am honestly thrilled that they are! Even if it isn't something that they are interested in doing. Now, after all of the changes that I can see in me I feel selfish not sharing about it.

My friend who shared it with me, had great results. She is actually my retired Mary Kay National Sales Director. She has changed alot too! Wow! I will post some pictures of us! I just saw her, last night at the birthday party I attended. She keeps looking better and better too!

Not just about the weight thing, I think she's been at the same weight or about for 2 years now, since she started Isagenix. She had lost at least 30 pounds, and I've lost many more than that. But she is glowing her skin is looking better and better and she seems to be getting younger, at least that's how it looks to me.

So I've been doing the 30 Day program with addition of the Calcium and Vitamin D powder added in to my shakes. I change it up every now and then adding some of the other things as well.

I used to take a meal replacement shake, but it never did any of this. I didn't do that for the weight loss either, but the vitamins, but then they changed the one I used and I didn't like it anymore. This one tastes great, and has a cleansing program with it. I wasn't so sure about that either. But it works for me. I just noticed the other day, I can't remember the last time I actually got a pimple! Woo Hoo!!

Some of the people around me who've been watching the weight fall off have started using it too. I am excited about that. I can't wait to see what happens for them too! I've been on the plan since August of 2008 and it is now June 2009, I've been this size for a while, a couple of months or so. I didn't loose the weight fast, just about 3 pounds a week or so. I've lost around 50 pounds. I didn't even notice for a long time that it was coming off. What a nice surprise!

Jason thinks I look like a different person. I have to admit that has its perks! I still have the migraines, I still have the bones that slip around in my spine, I still have the arthritus, and all the other stuff. But I do have more energy, I am more hopeful, I can move around easier, do things a bit easier, my clothes feel better, I look better, I look healthier, and I am doing the right thing for having healthy strong bones! I am sometimes in bed all day long, other days just piddling with things around my house, other days outside in the garden, I drive when I can, and a few times lately I've been able to drive to my therapy appointments on my own.

I have muscles, the Isagenix plan helps you keep your muscles. I haven't had good muscles since the car accident, and keeping what I have and getting stronger is very important to me! Slowly but surely I am getting there!

So if you want to know more, I am happy to share with you, just like I am about everything. I don't mean to sound braggy or anything like that, but if I can do this in my condition, what could prevent anyone else from doing this if they really wanted to!

You can check out http://www.isamovie.com/ If you go to the regular site or the one that they gave me you will see the scary retail prices. So I don't usually share that one, because most people choose not to get their things that way.

Yes, I did sign up, so I could get my Isagenix at a discount! Much less expensive that way! As those of you who know me know, I hate paying retail for anything! If I can find a way to get things less expensive that is what I do! I am doing this because of the products, not because of the marketing. So please hear my heart and know that I want what ever you would want for you.

All of my clothes that I currently have have been bought at Goodwill or consignment shops, with the exception of undergarments, and I did get two new jackets.

That is why I started my Mary Kay business 17 years ago, and that is why I started Isagenix too, so I could get a discount. If others liked it great! But I am in this for me and my discount!

I guess that makes me a cheapskate. I didn't want the guilt of not telling women expecially my friends that the Mary Kay might work for them, so I guess it isn't too wierd that I feel guilty about not sharing about the Isagenix too!

http://www.isamovie.com

So if you want to know ask me, if I say something to you, it doesn't mean I think there is something wrong with you, in fact skinny people who have problems gaining weight it helps them gain, it is nutrition and cleansing program not a diet there is a big difference!

As a note, my sister has been doing Weight Watchers and she has had great success with that! I am so happy for her! She is so good at that! She started that quite a while before I started Isagenix, and she did so well that they asked her to work for them too! I love it! She's doing what is best for her, and helping others too!

I think it is awesome! I am super proud of her for sticking with it! Whatever you do don't give up, most people do just before their big breakthrough!

As usual this was done in my regular blogging style. It is late I am tired, and proof reading and perfection are not the reasons I started this blog. If you decide this bothers you to much than please don't feel obligated to read it. Or you are welcome to edit it and make changes.

dOwN TiMe

Lazy day, the sun is shining the humidity is high, I've called and spoken with my father, and my list of things absolutely needing done today isn't long. For some reason, today, instead of being highly motivated to go go go, as I am feeling well today, I have been just relaxing. I know that there is merrit to that. I realize the value in having time spent to ponder, or not be in a rush. I usually reserve this time, for when I am in pain. It makes me feel as if I am doing something even though I really can actually be physically doing nothing.

Yesterday went well, a trip to both cities, and errands, resting in between, and some cleaning of things around the house. Jason has been highly occupied with trailor preperation. It is almost fit to travel. He's had problems finding fenders for it, so the rocks don't kick up and destroy his perfect paint job. He'd found them once, but at the time our cash flow was limited. So being the smart man he is he opted to wait. He's found them when only one was instock, and has found all of the wrong sizes in stock, he has found several styles he prefers not to use, and many prices he'd rather not pay. It will happen, God's timing is perfect. It just might not be ours...

It isn't that there are things that I don't need to be doing. I have that big curtain project, the Alumni project (that will be getting alot of attention this week), a painting project, my garden (oi vei) .... Thankfully laundry is finished for the most part, the house is picked up, and the dishes, well there aren't many...

For the first time in a long time I feel comfortable with the amount of medication I have on hand, I don't keep it all together, so sometimes I feel as if I have no migraine pills left... I can usually dig up one that I put asside for emergencies. It had been difficult for a while to keep the funds available to have the medications. Even though we only have to pay the copay amount, still it adds up. One pill isn't covered at all, which over the past 5 years almost now, was a major worry. The pill that I take everyday so that I can drive and don't have vertigo, oddly enough is the one not covered. I am so lucky, the pharmacist in town, has given this medication to all of her clients at a reduced rate. While not cheap, it does help! I am so grateful! It's been many a day I would have some pain, or begining of a migraine, and I would take the over the counter meds when I knew I probably should have started with something more powerful. Not that if I can catch things at the right time that the over the counter meds wouldn't work. But many times I realize it is too late for them, but the cost is so much less for those that my chincyness prevales, and I take the less expensive, IDK if it is really worth it, as the majority of times, I still end up hunting down the stronger prescribed stuff.

Yesterday, I was also able to get out and weed a little under the cherry tree.. I found mushrooms growing under it! It has been so wet and muggy lately that I think they are popping up everywhere. I am not really used to seeing them much, having grown up where it was always dryer. I don't know if they will still be there today, I removed most of the flora cover that was being provided by the very tall crab grass, mixed in with my iris. I plan on planting some different bulbs, and other perenials as well some day, but this year I do still have some seeds left. I am sure it is too late to plant them for them to turn out well, but I really don't see the point in saving the seeds til next year, as the sprouting capacity of the seeds I am sure by then will be greatly diminished. I wasn't able to finish weeding around the trunk of the tree, but I do at least feel better that the rubarb that I had planted a year or two ago, will have a shot at taking up some more space, and some of the iris will be a little more apt to survive.

Ozzie our 13 year old Foxhound has been driving us batty lately. Not sure if he is angry with us, for lack of food donations to his meals or if he feels he hasn't gotten out of the house enough to sniff the world. Or he could just be 13 and having less of a holding capacity, he has been making accidents in the house for a few months now. It seemed in the begining as if he would do it when he'd be left behind. We'd take him out like usual, and even gone only for a short time, or allowing him to go to the basement, we would find an accident. Needless to say, his freedom has been reigned in. He is being locked up in his kennel when we are gone, and at night. He used to have free reign over the house. But these days that privledge has been revolked. Last night Jason took him out to relieve himself at 2 in the morning. Yes, I got up also, but the old man, has a mind of his own, and doesn't cooperate for me. He is deaf or nearly so, and refuses to be led around by his collar, more often than not I find that I use his collar to steer him and have to shove his rear in the direction I want him to go. Not that he does't know what I want.. but he usually doesn't want to go where I need him to go. The little stinker even does it outside. I don't like bending over and moving him along, it isn't the best feeling for me. So, even though Jason had to work in the morning, I asked if he would take him out. Once again Jason was the hero!

I was so excited yesterday too! I was able to attend a birthday party for a dear friend! She had a little reception at the Marriot for her birthday. Wow, it was so nice to go! Jason agreed to drive me, this was the first time that this group of friends had seen Luka. I haven't been able to get to see many of them for years, and so I was not only grateful to be able to show up to show my support and friendship for this inspiring young friend of mine, but to be able to have done things during the day, and still be able to do something in the evening was just wonderful! Her 70th birthday was held in style, she has survived, many things including polio, and has always been an amazing inspiration for me and many around who know her. Her attitude is always stellar, she outshines most people with many less problems! I remarked to Jason that it was so nice to be out on a weekend night doing something resembling a date! It had been forever since I saw the city all light up, we are usually in this area for emergency room visits, and I don't do much looking around at all.

I didn't say the remark to make Jason feel bad for not taking me out. It hasn't even been a possibility, between the money to do something like that, and the timing of it all, I usually am completely exhausted, or hurting by then and going out to sit in some chair somewhere is not at all something that I am excited to do. I hope though that it may be possible to have more great days, where I can accomplish something when it is light outside, but still be able to enjoy an evening out. Choosing is not fun, I have so much I feel behind in doing that I practically need to do those things, so they will always outweigh a fun or money spending idea. Except in very meaningful cases of course.

I am looking forward to the visit of a great friend not this week but next! She's going to come spend the day with me. Woo Hoo! I can't wait! I've been missing some friend time lately. Summer time as well as most other times, is so busy with people with families, and even those who don't have little kids... I think it has been almost a year since I remember seeing my sisters, more than that for many many of my friends who I used to see on a regular basis. I am really not a good person for really excited energized little ones to be around, I become very boring to them very quickly, and can't keep up at all. While I was never into chasing little ones around, I did used to be fairly good at entertaining them for a bit, or doing and activity or two with them.

We aren't making our usuall trip out this month for Jason to work at the hospital, so the friends I usually see on that visit is also missing this month. It does make things a bit more boring, although I can use all of that energy for getting more things done! For that I can be excited! As the list is long.

Well, things are starting to stir here, it is late afternoon, and it is time to do something becides ponder! It's been nice to just have some time. I have gotten some things done during this time that needed doing as well, I feel recharged and ready to start tackling the myriad of projects left before me!

Happy Fathers Day all of you Dads! You are invaluable! Thanks to Jason for being such a good Doggy Dad! & great hubby!

KiTcHeN SiNk?

Oh, my how many blog posts I have written in my head these past weeks... It really helps me to pretend I am writing these things down. I feel as if I have and they leave my thoughts. That is both good and bad I suppose, somehow I may have missed doing something I should have.

That's the way it goes. As I sit here in my usuall spot, in bed 1/2 up 1/2 down, propped up by a pile of pillows behind my back a couple of pillows under my knees, and a pillow under each arm to keep them propped, up while I type on my computer that is proped up by a large book sitting on my lap, on the bed keeping me company by my feet is Luka, and Shelby our soon to be adopted girl at this moment burrowing herself underneath all of the covers to my right. Ozzie is sacked out in his kennel to my left and the college world series is blaring out on my little tv. The ceiling fan is moving the air around, and my light is on but not super bright.

It is times like these, that I am glad that I didn't invest in fancy sheets and bedding, as the bed when Jason isn't home serves as my kitchen table, my office, my lounge, my movie center, and many other things as well. Not to mention the dogs, we used to never have them up on the bed. Not ever. We started with Shelby having arrived, as each time she'd run in the house she'd be on the bed. I know, I know.. but after months of this, and then getting Luka, well, I like Luka close by. With his age, he sleeps allot. I like having him near me in case I feel ill, and he is more helpful if I can nudge him awake if I need a hand up.

I am currently in search of some new service dog candidates. I would love to find another large male doberman. I am very good with the breed, and they do very well with me. I am not opposed to other breeds, but with my arthritis having attacked my hands, a dog I need to brush is out of the question! I was offered a Lassie style dog that is ready now... but way too much grooming needed! Certainly not fair to the dog!

I am also working on helping some other families find good dogs that match their lifestyles and needs. I like that! I am good at it! I can do most of it on the phone, and it is a great feeling to know that a good match has been made. These dogs, not even all dobie's deserve good loving homes. It is amazing and sick to hear about the lives they have lived. Some are just victims of the economy, but others are just victims of crualty or ignorance.

One thing that I have been able to do through out these past several years after the accident, is continue to learn, learn about the world, learn sign language, learn about this and that... I don't know what good it is doing me. I am not enrolled in school to get a degree. Sometimes I wish that were the case. That I'd been able to get hooked up with tuition and a school that I could pursue at my own pace from my home. Wow, by now I might even have some sort of degree... This August which is coming up soon, makes 5 years and most everyone finishes their bachlors degree with in that amount of time.

I sometimes, feel as if I've not accomplished anything. I know that getting better, and not getting worse is something! I don't know what that means anymore. It seems one step forward 3 steps back at times. If one area in my life goes forward, it'd be nice if the rest of the areas would jump on the train and follow suit.

Jason, is my hero, he is working so hard to make things nice for us, to make it easir for us and to make us more stable. He and his dad have taken on a great project that will help out so much. We had gotten a trailer to pull behind our Jeep so that I can carry all the stuff I think I need to go along with us on our trips. I travel with my pillows, (not all of them of course) my hair care, my hair is incredibly long now, and thank goodness for Panteen and Suave! They fit my budget, I must say it was hard to adjust from getting my hair done at least every 2 months if not every month, changing from this color to that, expressing a new mood with each visit to the swanky salon that I loved to go to. I miss my stylist Dove, she has lots of good things going! Her energy is contagous, and she is always on the look out for the new not to mention how to give back and be better. The last time I was at a salon, not even hers, I ended up with the most horrible pain and migraine... and have vowed to never do that again.

It is a pair of sharp scissors, and a friend that thinks they can cut streight that has become my new stylist. My hair color is all naturel, and my hair keeps growing! Yikes, it is now getting caught in the door when I get in the car. Gotta watch out for the next visiting person who thinks they can cut streight! Be forewarned!

In addition to my hair care, I need my skin care... speaking of that, I am so excited! I have just figured out I don't recall the last time I got a zit, like a big one, not even around that time of the month, which for years has been inevitable. I think it has to do with how I've lost all of my weight. My skin is looking great, my nails are doing well, at least when I haven't ripped them up trying to garden!

I've stuck to the same skin care routine for years now. I love it! I of course adjust as new items come into the line that I could find helpful. I am aging of course! If you look closely you can tell, but for the most part, not too bad! Every wrinkle that I eventually get, I am telling you that I will have earned! Even having lost all of this weight, having gone from a size 16 I am now wearing size 2, which I can hardly believe! My skin is awesome! I was worried I have to say, as I would loose more and more inches, I kept using the CelluShape Lotions.. I am not perfect at using them, but have really tried to be consistant. They sure help. I really don't know what my skin would have done with out them, and I don't really care to find out. I have to pack that stuff too.

Ok, so I am high maintenence! I know that! Jason knew that before he married me. So I like things the way that I like them, I always have. I used to spend an hour before high school focused on my hair. Those 80's do's were something let me tell you! Yes there are many pictures of my hair sculptures! Probably one of the reasons I thought I should become an artist! I've always been good with my hands, making things is not only fun for me, I seem to be good at it. I can usually look at something and make it. I hope to be able to do more making of things here in the near future. I've got lots of things I need to be making like the curtains. Speaking of those, I have packed my curtain projects a time or two as well, and might be doing that again seeing as they are still not finished. That garden project.... Oi Vey!

My clothes are another issue as well, however when I was packing in the winter, and a size 16 my clothes took up much more space. The last time I packed my clothes, it was warmer, not hot but certainly not cold. They took up so much less space! I could pack so much more. I could practically pack my entire good will/consignment shop wardrobe! I just bought something full price! It was hard to do, but this piece will be not only for summer, but spring fall and winter. It is a cute red jacket, it is on order. I am so excited about it it has a very tailored back and I became enamored with it at a receint Cabi show.

The red jacket was my choice based on the practicality of the item. So versital, I can wear it in many seasons and it is something not likely to go out of style! I like that! I had many other choices that looked great that I loved, and everyone made a fuss over, but I just couldn't see paying full price for something that would be seasonal. Especially on my budget. I will be looking for similar items at Good Will and Consignment shops. Those are nice to go to as well. Things in those stores are sorted by size! I love it! No more sifting through one style of top to find your size. At these stores, you can just look at everything on the rack, it should all fit you size wise even if it doesn't style wise. So wonderful!

I think at this point with the amount of clothes that I own that I actually fit, I could probably fit the entire lot into my tiny suitcase! But that is certainly not necessary, I have managed to actually eliminate a whole bag of stuff... My shoes! My shoes now fit into my clothing suitcase! OMG... I would have never believed it before. Being it is summer I wear mostly flip flops and sneakers, so that makes life so simple!...

The other things I pack are Luka's items, he needs a bag of food, bowls, toys, blanket, treats, poop bags, cleaning supplies in case of accident ( which usually doesn't happen, but everyone gets sick) he also now has a vest to wear when it is super hot out that keeps him cool, a gallon of water... his long leash, short leash, collar, and working clothes, not to mention the socks he usually wears because his pads on his feet are sensitive and get ripped up easilly.

My MK products if we are going to be in an area where I have clients... and all of my sample bags and show stuff, just in case! I never know if someone will want to play with things! If I am feeling well enough I love doing that! The extra money is nice, but I mostly enjoy keeping my clients happy, it makes me feel good, knowing that I can be of service to them. Hey it also works well too if I have incorrectly packed and forgotten something or run out in the middle of my trip... I can just get more. After all that is why I started my Mary Kay business, so I would get it all at a discount and wouldn't run out!

I am also usually packing food! Some things that could go bad if not eaten, and then my healthy eating regimine, that Jason has now started too...

In comparison, Jason packs one bag, just one, for every thing! He is so slick! I wish I could be like him! I guess that is why I am a girl, and he's a guy...

The trailer, we got, has now got a roof! A lid, a top, something to hold everything in! It had come to us a white trailor, a pretty nifty one at that, Jason thought it would look good painted red, he spruced up the electrical wiring, made it a perfect shade of red, fancied it up and he and his father have now made a lid. Jason showed his dad what he was thinking, his dad made the detailed design and even crafted a tiny prototype. We were ever so grateful when his father got all the materials for the project, and Jason showed up to build it with his dad, and his dad had everything cut, just waiting for him to be there to put it all together. He had so much fun with his dad and this project!

It was like magic! He left and when he came back he had a new lid! Which he is detailing as we speak! Gotta get some fenders, and some more paint.... The lid is black now, so it matches his Jeep. So stylish! Perfect to haul everything I can think of bringing with us! Where's that kitchen sink?

I am so blessed! For those guys who are reading this, I probably pack more than your wife, it could be worse, it really could. You are very lucky, give her a break, the extra bag she brought is just an extra bag!

Thank You Jason!

HoW aRe YoU dOiNg?

How are you doing?

Hey, that is always a trick question for me. I am never sure what response the person asking is looking for. My quick and easy response is that I am doing great all thing considered! So if that is satisfactory stop reading right here!

In general, the I can't wait for tomorrow applies for me today.. but really I can considering what I have to look forward to tomorrow. How about I am doing GREAT, (in about a week!)
It has been a rough week for me, if you've seen my posts, I guess that is what you may be refering to? I am making lots of lemons into lemonade lately. ;).

I don't know if you read my blog or not, in that case... yikes! As I write this I am on migraine meds and soon to be pain meds if my body won't stop hurting so take that into consideration... I guess that explains more to the true state of things with me at the moment. My emotions a wreck, my physical self in pain, and more to look forward to tomorrow... ( oops I haven't writen about that yet)

Ahhh, so are you sorry you asked? =)

Things will always get better. I look forward to seeing all of the great things that everyone else has going on! I am always amazed at the distances you go, or the troubles that Ronnie goes through, or the funny things that everyone writes on Facebook. I love visitors, phone calls, and getting outside. My husband is the bomb, my dog's are fabulous, I've got great friends, family and neighbors. There is plenty to do, no reason to be bored. Sure things go wrong, bad things happen, and people just don't understand.

Compared to many my problems are minimal, then compared to more, my problems are not so small. I realize this. So in perspective, I am doing the best I can do today at this moment, with what I have.

Two friends stopped by today, how fun is that! One picked up some things, and another dropped off a beautiful hanging plant! In full bloom! I love it. She gave me a hug and helped me back inside the house. She'd come by yesterday too but I couldn't get out of bed to see her.

Jason had to help me get around all of yesterday, my body is just not happy with me lately, it doesn't help having had all of the commotion of the past few days I am sure. A person he volunteers with came over with some papers, I felt bad they had to wait, but Jason had to help me out of the tub, and back into bed before he could go help him. I got so sick yesterday.

It's happened before, I always hope it won't happen again. Tomorrow, I get to look forward to doing some lovely extension and flexion xray's of my neck. Like I need more radiation heapped upon me. But that's the way it goes I suppose. My physical therapist is going with me, as this type of neck bending in the past has caused me significant problems. I sure hope it goes well, but I am certainly not looking forward to it.

One good thing I guess, is we were supposed to both go to the dentist yesterday, but since I was so ill I couldn't go, and neither could Jason. We messed up their schedule for sure, so that is the bad thing. But neither of us were looking forward to that either, however I would have much rather gone to the dentist than go through what is now going on 42 plus hours of nausea..., migraines, pain, and fatigue.

I just keep hoping that it will end soon, we have tickets to a ball game, that is what I am hoping to do! We'll see, I've told Jason to plan for someone else to attend with him incase I can't. So we'll see.

I have been watching lots of PBS, and scanning through different blogs on the computer, as both require little movement on my part. I've even found some fun one's to share with friends.

So to my friend who's asked how I am doing?. I say managing. I've got lots of hopes and dreams! I've got plans in place, projects to do, soon I am sure I'll be up and moving again!

PTSD...

Over! As most things do our having a child live with us has come to an end. This time the end was terrible. Of all the people we have let come and live with us Debora, Agi, Fernanda, The Cutler Parent's family, The Cutler Kyle's family, this experience has come to the worst end by far. While the other experiences were at times difficult as they would be with so many personalities involved. This experience was by far the worst. We had given the most, as the most help in this situation was needed.

We never asked for things in return... ok, we did... keep the floor swept. (that didn't work out so well. She would do it sometimes. When she felt like it.. or we would remind or ask her to do it.) The last few weeks since she's graduated, her attitude changed. Dramatically. She was angry and started being gone alot more. When she was here she would be more secluded.

This all happened after we talked about rules for her after graduation. She thought she shouldn't have any. She was FREE! Well, honey, in our house, freedom isn't free! She should realize that her brother just enlisted... I guess she thought those were the only people who had to pay for the privledge of being free.

Responsibility is the price we all pay. Being responsible for ourselves, those who are not, many of them end up in jail if they take asserting their free freedoms so far.

Well, today, we had hoped to set up a time to get her transition figured out. You know the logistics of it all. I guess she thought, our house would be a storage unit for her while she was off enjoying her new freedoms. Yes, we had talked about it before, when she would go off to college she could leave her things here.. Come back her on weekends if need be.

But things changed when she didn't want the responsibilities, of the new rules for living in our home. Expanded ones at that similar to what she would experience in college. A test run if you will. Nope those rules didn't apply to her, at least that's how she felt. Resentful, angry, upset, we were holding her back, causing her not to reach her dreams.

Growing opportunities hurt. This one sure hurt me. After she threatened to sue us, for wanting to talk to her before she moved, I of course said go ahead and sue... GET REAL! Who thinks of these things? REALLY!

I wondered to her... what if she had to repay everything that everyone had done for her? Now things really getting out of hand... any way. I wasn't the best person for saying that I suppose, but I wondered... she really hates us so bad that she won't have a conversation with us before she moves all of her stuff out? I mean she does have a cell phone that she uses that is in our name. Our name is attached to several other things as well for her that we've set up. Can't we have a conversation about how this should be worked out?

She won't have a conversation. Geesh! really? We are that bad I guess.

I was really a mess by this time. She was now sending her father over to the house, who freaks me out, and whom I can't stand for how he's treated us, friends of ours, and his own kids, who all now love him, and he can do no wrong.

She knows that he freaks me out, and since I am a person who deals with PTSD, she probably doesn't realize that this was the worst possible situation for me. I lost it, I mean nutso lost it. He called to say he was coming to get her stuff. I said NO! Not wanting him in my home especially when I am alone. I told him her things would be on the lawn. I had no intention of letting him in. And I certainly didn't want her stuff here either at this point. Actually, who want's other peoples things? Wierd! I keep giving mine away... I don't need to collect any more!

He's pulled up outside, I've got a few boxes on the lawn, and Jason's finally called back... Perfect, I am screaming, shutting doors windows, freaking out, can't breathe, can't breathe... ... Not good!

She's still texting me that I am a horrible person...

Gosh, this is not the way my life should be!

This has got to end.

It is over. I am not sure if I will ever let anyone back into our home. I don't expect these things to be easy, but wow, this was like something off of Jerry Springer! How'd I get involved with this?

Dear Dear Gwen, momma to these kids, and married to their dad died. We were friends. She would send her kids over to us when she needed a break, when they needed to get out of the house... they'd been coming over for years.

Wow, well, we came into this with more than we have now, she should be better for it, that was the goal. Her brother hates us I am sure, we helped him get out on his own too. But how soon they forget. You see this with families so often, it doesn't matter how bad you get treated, you want to be treated bad, because that is all that you know. You hope for things to change, and for things to be better, and maybe they will be. But you will do anything if your parent's/ spouse will just acknowledge you exist.

I am not saying there was abuse or things like that, neglect for sure. But people change. I hope that they all live the life of their dreams. But it won't be involving me. I am done.

There is too much pain, too much drama, there has been too much for me. Sometimes going through this stuff may be worth it. I hope this time it was. She is moved back in with her dad now, at least her stuff is there.

Wow, I am going to feel so much better tomorrow at the dentist! Thank God for that!

I am no longer going to be the better person. I am going to rescue dogs! Dogs don't turn into Jerry Springer shows! Dogs!!!

How sad for all of the kids we had thought about fostering. But sad to say they are in foster care for a reason. Through this experience we also found out about how helpful the state is for kids who need help. So baby! I'm out!

That is why I never became a teacher, the parents don't support you, the kids don't listen to you, the administration isn't there for you, and you might go to jail because a kid just slammed you into a wall and if you touch them back to get them off of you, then you have abused them. Yes, while subbing I actually saw that!

This Jerry Springer show is over!

So here I will be quietly figuring out what to do next with my dogs! We are not taking your kids!

Michelle Obama arms!!

Constant reminders are everywhere. Things always seem to fall perfectly in to place. Lessons will all be learned. Reality is never as it seems. There is always more. Being happy is a state of mind not a situation. Dreams are abundant. The best gifts come in all shapes and sizes, all colors, all times, and usually when you least expect them.

Living in this world is not always easy, it is certainly not simple however you are in control of what you choose to think no matter what the situation, no matter what has been done. It is how you react to the things in your life that will strengthen your steel. Help you to rise above and overcome what comes next.

Today was one of those days where things did not necessarily start off the greatest. Medication had been out for 2 days, so I couldn't drive but today I didn't need to anyway. Just needed to be present and do my best. Jason got home and was relatively rested, as much as you can be after having worked the last 24 hours...

We got ourselves ready, which for me was a trick... it seems as if none of my clothes are staying on, or aren't showing off my bra through the arm pit. Really frustrating because I have clothes that I've been saving to wear for summer, and I thought they might finally fit me again.... NOPE, now they are too big! Before they were to small..... I really need to find clothes that fit!

We finally headed out the door, a bit behind so the early errands would have to wait. Gas tank got filled by using MK $ ( I have to get that put back so I can place an order) and we made it to therapy just in time. He ran two errands while my therapist Kristi worked me out. It was arms today. I am a big weakling!!! I am working hard at getting stronger! That is for sure. I have always hyper extended my arms when doing any activity, and I am learning not to. Learning to keep my arms in my shoulder sockets and get the muscles working together.

OUCH is all I have to say when my arms pop in and out of place as I lift the little weights. Just wait, I am soon to have Michelle Obama arms! ;)!

We then grabbed some Taco Bell on the way to our next appointment. I dripped taco sauce all over, Jason managed to drop lettuce and cheese all over himself... I just had to laugh, it was so frustrating, but at the same time so funny! We could choose to be angry and miserable at the bad drivers, our taco covered selves, and all of the lame things we were getting through, but we just were so grateful to be together even though covered in taco gooo. We made it just in time to our Thrivant appointment! John was great, helped us with everything, and we are getting some more things figured out.

We then dropped off some paperwork for one of Jason's many extra jobs, and we headed to a local resale clothing store. This was it! I was in town, I had a driver, I could try things on and feel icky afterwards and still make it home. These stores are great for me, besides everything being so much cheaper, everything is sorted by size. I don't have to sift through several sizes to find mine after I find a style that I like. I can just grab what ever appeals on the rack and try it on.

Trying things on is a must, as I don't know my body style anymore. Catalog shopping is out for the moment. I've got to get my bearings and figure out what sizes I need to order. It is freaky! I sure have changed allot. I would never have guessed it, I never even dreamed that I would EVER be like this. I am almost 40 and OMG!

We came home just in time to put the small pile of clothes on the bed, and for me to get some rest. I really needed to get rested up as we had supper plans. While I hadn't had a migraine today, I sure was having plenty of pain. The darvocet was working, and I could now lay down and rest. My body just seems to shut off and yell, NO MORE! I was aching but we had to go, our friends would be waiting.

They grilled out, we brought over a favorite bottle of wine, and we hung out and talked and ate, while their kids entertained us all. Sitting by the lake, the view was great, we came in just in time to watch the lightning show, and visit some more. As the storm rolled through I began to feel better, and now am relieved to just be a little achy. The night just got more and more fun.

We love having such great friends so close by!

I can't wait for tomorrow. I've got big plans!!

ShOuLdN't YoU?

So as I sit here with many changes headed my way gaining the courage to face it all head on. To set everything up with the smoothest transition space possible. Some changes can be planned for. Some of the happen quite unexpectedly. I am fine with that. Surprises.... well, I prefer to know them in advance, even if not prepped for them I do still enjoy them.

Hey it is so much better than being bored. I just read a FB post tonight from a friend who's just had some surgery, they shared that they were recovering, and bored out of their mind. The thoughts that run through my mind when I read that, were, Hey, ENJOY IT! You actually have a life to go back to! Then I thought, wow, bored, I am rarely ever bored.

Jason and I tease each other, as he often becomes frustrated with me when I am able to verbally express myself. It used to be easy for me to do so, but nowadays it all comes out in the moments where I have enough clarity and energy to express myself , share my ideas, and my frustrations. My mind is always moving thinking about these things and those. I have such interesting thoughts, I am always getting ideas, or solving issues in my mind.

I am a good out of the box thinking problem solver. I may not, actually probably will not come up with ideas that the regular folks will come up with. I never have been that way. I really love the crazy things that go through my mind. I just seem to see so many things as others do. That is so hard for some people to accept. But I think those things are just what makes me, ME! I've always been like that.

I received an update church newsletter, we've stopped going for a variety of reasons, but even the thought of sitting in those pews can make me want to stay home. I really get uncomfortable and achy in those wooden slat seats. The newsletter spoke to how people are now choosing their churches for the social interaction, and when that doesn't meet their needs they just switch churches. I agree to that for sure. On the other side, when we chose this particular church to attend, we did get along with many of the parishiners, their ideas, goals and worship style were to be in transition and we were also excited about that. However many don't like change. I don't know if change will ever come to the congregation. We came to build our faith, in a supportive environment. We didn't choose that church because we wanted everyone to agree with us, but to work together with others to create a stronger faith for all, to find a spiritual home.

In the end, it seems as if the home that was being built, at least to us, had nothing to do with God's message of love one another, and the praising psalms... The newsletter seemed to be directed at us, about what they thought we were after, THE CHANGE... In order to survive your faith evolves, the church evolves. Things and people that are afraid of moving forward wither. Oddly enough most of the people that brought us in to that church are no longer apart of it. I am guessing that others felt the same pain as we had when we wanted to work together, to come together, and praise God in a safe environment. Not one where you would be told to your face that things were wanted, then when you stepped up to help, were shut down, and looked at as if you were not church worthy.

YIKES! Not a place for us! We still like what we were told the church stood for, but I think we are so much better on our own. Praising and practicing our faith each day. Learning and growing at home, and where we are planted. Faith comes from within, it doesn't come from what others think or say, it doesn't come from where you are on Sunday, or who you sit with or what you sing. I've always understood that I wish others did.

There has been a change I have been told I need to make. Actually it is an appointment. I've been told to make, truth be told, I am scared to make the appointment. I am usually alright with facing MOST things. I really, am dreading this one. My Dr. wants another set of xrays that a surgeon can look at. I don't know if they will find anything different or not, but, the thought does exsist in the back of my mind. I've done these before, but evidently they weren't done in a format that surgeons are comfortable looking at or using. FRUSTRATING!

For me the process of getting these xrays done may leave me in bed again for days weeks or months. I am so not excited! They will be looking to see if any of my bones slip around. Well, I already know the answer to that question. YUP!

Each time they do, I have a little more discomfort, they can cause more tingling, more numbness, an irritation that leads to terrible migraine pain, at the very least cramping and pain that will require ice. It isn't that I CAN'T move my neck, it is that my neck is very hard for me to control, makes me tired to hold my head up, and causes me a great deal of pain even when I am not tilting it all directions. But the extension xrays that are needed for the surgeon require the movement.

I am not sure what to do to make this process better. I know my Physical Therapist can move my cervical bones back in to place if my muscles have not flaired up. I will just have to plan ahead I guess. A day that Jason is not working will be a must....

Maybe what they find through the pain will turn in to my gift? I've got to have faith!

My dad lets us borrow his car. It is terribly uncomfortable for me to drive. He doesn't understand. For him the car is so comfortable. It is a nice car. It runs well, doesn't break down, has most amenities available... however the seats do not support my head. They do support his, but he is about six inches shorter than me... I am hyper grateful for the opportunity to have something to drive! Before this I had no choices. I however do not feel safe at all in the car. One small tap from someone not paying attention and horrible things can happen to me.

The Jeep has great seats, as the backs are tall enough for me to rest my head on while sitting straight. But the Jeep is Jason's to drive. I do on occasion drive it.. but it is rare. It is also a five speed, which if my hands, hips, or shoulders are hurting makes it much harder for me to drive it. But I do feel safer in it. I will feel better after driving the Jeep than I do after having driven my father's car.

I know this sounds horriblly ungrateful. It isn't that I am not thrilled that my father has gone out of his way to lend his car to me. He pays for everything, that feels bad. We buy the gas and the oil changes. I wish we could be paying for more. Writing this is so difficult, these are choices that you make. We are so grateful for so many things, for our parents, we know they love us and want the best for us. They also want the best for others as well. Both sets of parents have made sacrifices for us financially. So we could have the freedom to stay afloat, and so we could also help others as well.

It hurts allot to talk about these things. Especially when we would have needed their help a little less if we were to stop helping. I guess that choice is coming up again. I think the answer this time will be that we will place our focus back on ourselves. This time if something happens in someone elses life that will derail us financially. Something that will set us back for helping someone else, instead of getting ourselves in a safer place, and our families in a safer place, the word no will be what we make a plan to say.

Will it be hard? Of course. We hate to see people suffer. We hate to see people who don't have the loveing caring people in their lives that choose to give them a hand up. This time it will have to be someone elses hand to hold. We will be able to help those who've been helping us back before we tackle something else. At least that is our goal. If you don't put your oxygen mask on first, you will never be able to help someone else get theirs back on.

Jason's been working extra jobs just so we can make it. My dad's even picked up some. I know that our other family have adjusted things as well. So have some of our friends. We are blessed, so have the people that we've been able to do something for. I hope they are in a better places now, or will soon be.

In my heart knowing I did what I could do, even if there is no appriciation, will keep me sleeping better at night. And in that department, I will take all the help I can get. Watching the reruns of the icky things that have happened in my life over and over replay in my mind night after night when I can't sleep or in the moments my mind shuts off from idea making.

Just knowing that others are out there who might start having their bad memories replay over and over in their mind if no one helps them. By giving some help, I feel as if I have done something.

Have you ever wanted to find some place in your heart for empathy for someone or something so different than you. Have you ever wanted them to have that empathy for you? Wouldn't the world be a different place if instead of looking at their differences, you would look at them for all of the things that were the same? I wish there were more places like that, more people like that. I truly believe that if people would honor each other, with the grace, courage, and empathy that they would like given to them, that this world would be a much better place.

The gift may not come in the best package... But if you open it appriciate it for why it was given, it will be one of the most beautiful things. Just open your eyes, get rid of the sorry for yourself or the things you need to move beyond. My dad's car is a gift! Our girls are a gift! Our dogs are a gift! So is our faith!

Our girls from other lands are out making a difference. They chose to look outside themselves, to learn about others, and now they are each begining to make their mark! It is so exciting to know that you knew them when! We are so proud of their choices! We can't wait to see what the future holds!

What can you do? Face what you might find to be painful. Do what someone else would benefit from. You have more inside you than you think!

For God so loved this world... shouldn't you?

wAiTiNg FoR wEiGhTiNg HoW LoNg WiLL iT Be?

Riding a bike! The day before my car accident almost five complete years ago, I was out riding my bike having the time of my life. Ok, so I am not the best bike rider. But I had aspirations... Jason loves to ride his bike and he is actually good at it. Growing up on the farm with gravel roads doesn't lend itself to becoming an excelent cyclist. I had lived in town for 1st and 2nd grade... the bike that I had then was actually my dad's bike. So, there I would be riding around our little town, on an adult bike that was WAYYYYYY to big for me. Hey, it worked!



Swimming was like that too, for entertainment growing up we would run through the sprinklers, not go to the pool. So I never felt as if I could swim. I later joined swim team as a very old teen. I was the worst on the team, but I did it so I could be a better swimmer. I am so thankful that I did that. I was always scared to death of swimming. I still can't open my eyes underwater. I don't dive well at all, I am certainly not fish worthy. But, can I swim across a pool? Can I do several swimming strokes? CERTAINLY. Now I am limited by my energy leval as to what I can do but swimming is a gift I gave myself.



I wish biking were the same. While not being the best biker on the planet, I sure did enjoy riding. It was something that Jason and I would do together. We had even gotten a bike rack so we could take them along when we would go somewhere. I would dream of being like the bmx kids jumping mounds and spinning their wheels. Yes, deep inside I am probably a thrill seeker. On the outside though, at least most of the time, I like to keep my feet on the ground.



While growing up, I was a work hard play hard girl. I would be up doing outdoor animal chores, before school, I must admit most of the time unwillingly... I loved my horses, cow, dog etc, but I also loved my sleep, and my warm environment especially in the winter. Breaking the ice so they could have water to drink was not on the list of things that I loved doing. But riding and loving my horses was a gift, a dream, a freedom! It was worth the price.



Today I find the price for some things is too high to pay, for other things I find myself continuing to evaluate and conjure up ways to make it happen even though the price may be high. Jason really helps me evaluate the price of things. His price often times for me seems to be higher than mine. He places a higher value on my not hurting than I do. For example, he knows that if I drive any of our vehicles, that I will be worse for it and that price is too high when he could be doing the driving so that I would feel better and be able to do more fun things with him.



He would rather I feel my best the most. He gets frustrated with me for doing things that MAY cause me to feel to exhausted later, or that MIGHT make me have more pain. I do love him allot for that! REALLY I DO!

For me, I find that sometimes the price is RIGHT. Ok, so like today, I drove myself to my Physical Therapy Appointment. I can I EARNED MY DRIVERS LICENCE! Woo Hoo! Although I don't drive very much by Jason's choice and much by mine. Today I had these appointments, I needed to go so I can get stronger, and feel better. My Physical Therapy is helping me. If you were to see me do it, you would think to yourself, geesh big weenie! Your therapist has to help you even on the lowest setting. WELL YEAH, she does. But maybe in a week or two or three or more I will be doing it on my own, and eventually I won't even be on the lowest setting!

The feeling of having my hip not solid or my shoulder bones move around and feel disconnected is a feeling I would really like to never have again. The price to pay for this is driving myself and being physically exhausted or it could possibly be getting stuck in the city not being able to drive myself home. I really am focused on doing well, not only with my driving, my therapy, but also in the quality of the things that I do.

If I do my best I am happy! Even if it seems as I might have failed or come up short to others. Being honest with myself is difficult, I often find that in my mind an arguement will form. Example: folding laundry, I really don't mind doing the laundry. But when I do get tired, and have just pulled things from the dryer, (by the way it wasn't long ago that I couldn't even do that with out straining something) I have to really push myself to get the things folded. Sometimes I find that my arms are so heavy and hurt so bad that it makes me want to quit and live with the wrinkly clothes. After all no one else in this house cares about wrinkly clothes.

I find myself wanting to just fold up a pair of pants with out lining them up well, or with out turning down the cuff or not turning things from inside out to right side out. Or to leave the top buttons undone because my hands hurt. I have done these things, after all getting something folded is better than not. But I am not happy with myself if I felt I could have done it better. I feel so satisfied with myself even if I hurt a little more if I did it the best I could. Sometimes that means asking someone else to do it, other times, it means, drying them again or a whole new wash cycle since holding a scalding hot iron isn't the best choice for me the girl who drops things.... Which I really hate to do, but it is better than wearing a piece of clothing that displays promenately I don't give a crap. If I were camping in a tent, I might not care...

Even before this, my mother instilled quality in what I did, while I was not always enthusiastic or cooperative she did her best. ( I wish she could see me now.) My dad always did the same with his acts as well, it was very often I was schooled in the art of Musk Thistle cutting and bagging or irrigating, hauling pipe, feeding the cattle, or driving the tractor. You had to do it right or bad things can happen. In some cases there would be no second chance.

I learned the hard way too... Some of us learn that way the best... this way hurts the most, not only ourselves but those around us. Many of these lessons are too painful to want to talk about.

My business with Mary Kay has been no exception. I suppose this is why I am in business 17 years later, dispite all of the hit's I've taken. One of the person's mentoring me with my MK business expected excellence, in fact she pretty much demanded it. She wouldn't recognize less, wouldn't compromise, and really pushed for the most out of you. I wasn't always up for it, but I did grow, with her leadership style, I persevered, and I pushed myself not for her but for myself.

There is something inside me that strives for excellence. Not something that is competing with other people, it is a competition with myself. I am happy with myself already, I am always looking for improvement, but I certainly don't need it to be happy.

I am often puzzled by others, unhappiness within themselves. They say they are unhappy about things, or don't like things about themselves, but are yet unwilling or not able to do something to change. They are constantly looking for the change outside themselves. They try to push things that others are to be more in line with what they are so they will justify feeling better about the things that they hate.

I hesitate to write about this topic following what I just shared... But as usual, I do this with no intent of offending or pointed at no one specifically. I have lost allot of weight reciently, I know that weight issues are an extremely hot topic. Being thinner than I was is nifty I must say. A dream come true? Not really, I never really thought of myself looking different than this. Even though I was heavier, when I would see myself in the mirror, I never picked myself apart, I always saw my body as just right. I do have to say that my main frustrations about being heavier had to do with the ease of which I was able to get in and out of bed (since that is where I seem to live most days), crossing my legs (It had gotten difficult to do.) and my thighs rubbing together creating a rash when I would wear skirts with out nylons. Ok, that was more than most people wanted to know, I realize.

I would see pictures of myself, and think, hmmm I am a little heavier I guess, or wow, is that what I really looked like that day?? Wow, I never noticed, I was so happy that day and all of these great things were going on, it never occured to me to be self consious of my weight.

That being said, I was headed down a slippery unhealthy slope. I know that people with physical limitations especially have an extremely difficult time recovering from weight gains, and the health ramifications that go along with them. I see this with able bodied people as well. So when a concern was presented about a long term health issue with me I decided, Hey! I am not going on this path! Not with out a strong effort on my part to bring my body into balence! I became dissatisfied, I had never before expressed discontent with my size publicly or privately.

I am and have been committed to doing everything I can to living the best life I can. That means doing all that I can to stay as healthy as I can. This brought along a whole new search for me... I was looking for vitamins primarily, and as it is difficult for me to track what I eat, and measure everything and count, it is also difficult for me to stand and make a meal for any lenghth of time.

I have grown to love cooking, over the past several years, I am even pretty good at it. But the physical aspect of it takes a tole on my body that means I am not able to do many other things. I won't go in to the specifics of what I did at least not now. If you want to know you are welcome to ask me, I am happy to share, in fact I have. But I know that what ever type of thing that you choose to do to change something, in fact to change anything in your life, that you must be true to that, that you must persist, you must not give up and you must do everything you can to keep yourself on track.

So many people give up in the middle of the pain of change. They never follow through, they never give it their all. They just give it a thought, a short effort, or an inconsistant try. In order to make the change whether it be what time you wake up in the morning, reaping a successful harvest with a garden, learning to swim, riding a bike, or loosing weight, you must persist consistantly through the most painful parts to ultimately bring about that change in yourself.

Sharing this reminds me, I am not able to change ANYONE ELSE! It is up to them to decide what they want out of life and to go get it. However, I will be anyone's biggest cheerleader when they tackle something that is hard for them.

Reciently a friend of mine posted on her Facebook status that she is going chocolate free for a week and wanted to make the announcement publicly to help her stick to her goal. Some of the first comments she recieved were, why would you do that? Impossible chocolate is crutial to your life, and others. I had written, You can do it! Go for it! I am here for you! I don't care why she wanted to give up chocolate, it might just be so that she could prove to herself that she could, maybe she had something different in mind, I don't know.

Then the sad reality crept in of the sabatoge her "friends" tried. I really don't know why. I can only imagine as well, but I guess they would rather see her fail than succeed, and that they must feel pretty crappy about themselves to try to bring someone down to their leval.

Hey, I love chocolate as much as the next girl! But part of me loving it means that I don't need it! I don't depend on it, I just love to enjoy it!

I am so proud of her! She went her week! She did it! And she posted it on her Facebook status! WAY TO GO! Girl You Rock! You held true to yourself! Others unsupportive oppinions didn't influence you to give it up, in fact I bet they pushed you to do it!

I love it!

I know I unknowingly have said things that werent' as supportive as they could have been. I am sure we all have. I really try not to be a downer. I think that is something that is in the hurts the most catagory. I have of course admitted when I have caught myself and done all that I could to make things right. But it doesn't take the pain away for me. It does remind me to keep going and keep pushing myself to do my best.

Someday I won't be changing anymore. But I guess that will be the day that I am brought before God. Until then I welcome it, even though I might not always like doing it.

LeMoNaDe

It only takes a moment, a thought, a situation, an error, a success, a lifetime... to change your perception of a situation. Everyone deals with things differently. What may make one person happy, will make another angry or sad. You never know what will set a person off, how could you? Each person has had a different past or been involved in different situations. Even if you've had the same experiences as another person, your reaction to the same situation could easily be different, VERY different.

Everyone struggles, I am no exception. Different things hurt me, annoy me, stop me, excite me, bring joy to me than they would to someone else. We all like different types of ice cream, different breeds of dogs, we enjoy wearing different styles of clothing, as well as working and doing different kinds of things. We are all unique.

I am amazed, at how difficult it can be to see someone elses point of view. I do try to. I have my doubts that others try to. Ok, I don't always try, but I do much of the time. Even if I find that I could never understand or agree. I am always open to agree to disagree. I wish more people were. It seems in this day and age, teens want to be adults, adults want to be teens, both want no responsibility and both want all of the perks. I remember as a child I always wanted what I couldn't have. Even if it was painful. I thought that braces looked great on my friends, so I wanted braces. I thought that it was neat that others wore glasses, had freckles, and had barbie doll houses. Needless to say, I never did get everything that I wanted.

Sometimes it doesn't matter how bad you want something, other times it does. It depends what initative you are willing to take. In any given situation. People wonder why the are not able to get a promotion, why their life stinks, why they don't like their job, why everyone else gets all of the breaks. Put your self in other's situation. Problems solve. And do the and then some.

Are people being taught to take initatiave? A recient trip to a hotel would suggest not. The hotel which specialized in serving specially cooked breakfasts for their guest ran out of eggs, and milk far before the breakfast was to attend. They then began to fill the dry cereal bins and more... They shared with the guests coming for breakfast that pancakes were their only option. However there was a grocery just a few blocks away, a convenience store closer, and in the same building but on a different floor, a coffee bar... Which carried plenty of milk on hand. Can people think out of the box?

In my mind things don't always work as you expect. Lemonade! What you weren't expecting may just turn out to be the mot amazing thing. Grab it accept it and make the best of it. I am not saying it will be easy, I am not saying that you won't have to do the and then some. I know that what you wanted in your heart will never go away. But maybe at the end of your life you will find that all of the unexpected, unplanned, and plain unhappy, made you a better, stronger, and wiser person.

You never know what you have coming. When the bad happens, do your best to squeeze out the sour, and go out and find the sugar to add to your lemons.

I am blessed. Even with all of the bad. I am loved. That is enough for me.

MiNdNumBinG ChAoS!

So as things go for me anymore. It is days and weeks before I am able to get things on my list accomplished. Don't think that because I am writing this now that I actually have my list completed. It is actually far from the case. I have written a list of things that covers two pages each line of things that I need to do.

Grrr. I've been saying that allot lately. It has been over a month since I have had the mental/emotional/as well as the timelyness factor to be able to write this post. My month has been totally out of control. I plan everything ahead of time, thank goodness I've started doing that. At least that is the way the month started out. Somethings are not able to be planned for but those that I can prepare for early I sure make every attempt to do.

I had the things for my garden planned out early... my plans fell through, but other options have risen, and I am making the most of those. The garden is still not all planted yet, but at least I've gotten it started. Jason has agreed to help me get the rest of that in, of course that will have to wait till next week sometime.

I ended up making a trip to a town with a great monument to tour. Jason taught a class and I was able to go with him! It made for a great Cinco de Mayo trip. I even won a tee-shirt! I love it too!!! Jason's mom made a great recommendation to try out a resturaunt! The night was fabulous, great friends, and great food!

On our way into town, we stopped by a natural rock formation and took pictures. We made it just in time to get a few pictures in before the sun had completely set. We travel and try to stop and read those histerical markers. At least that's what we call them. We drove into town, and checked in to the hotel then went looking for food. That took us quite a while, this town shut down at 9pm. Nothing was open. Thank goodness for Taco Bell, who's hours everywhere are super great!

His class was over, and the next day we took advantage of the morning and early afternoon to go see the sights. It went perfectly! I was feeling well this morning, after a week of on again off again migraines. I got better just in time to go out to eat the night before. And I was feeling great this morning! Jason was shocked! I haven't been able to walk that much in a long time. We didn't walk more than 300 yards total, but hey, we didn't have to for most of the things. Jason drove us up, and had just planned to do that. He'd drive, I'd get out and stand or sit, and then we'd be gone to the next area.

I had other plans. I wanted to give walking the paths a try! It worked out great, we went slow and we got to go on a couple of short trails, so that we could enjoy the views on the goregous day!
We took pictures, and read about each area, Luka enjoyed it as well. He was able to get out and sniff around for a while, so much better than smelling things from the back of the Jeep.

Things went so well we stopped at a state park on our way home. I didn't walk as much there, but we did get out and take a few more pictures.

Our trip home was interesting. The Jeep decided that it needed to have a pitstop. We chugged into a town along the road. We sat for a while while the awesome Jeep Dealership fixed it up and off we went again. By this time I was feeling the activities of the day. I had begun medicating. With all of the activity I hadn't noticed, and nither had Luka, he was too focused on the new surroundings, and then getting as much sleep as he could, that boy was exhausted. He'd been watching me for days with my migraines catching many of them, but even then it took some time for me to be out of that pain. It had been varying from a couple of hours to about 8 or so hours.

This time was to be one that reminded me how lucky I am now. With Luka, with the Radial Neuropathy Injections, with the medication, with the added strenghth I have, all of these things have made it better. Jason is even dealing with this better. Although we still have our moments. It turned out, that this migraine would last 5 days. All day all night, all of the things that are bad about getting them happened. I even tried to go to the ER to get some help from the Dr's. That didn't work either. The last couple time's I have gone, it seems they have changed how they treat people with migraines. They don't give them pain meds they give them other things. Which would be fine if it worked.

They asked me after the IV of fluid and medications, how I was feeling. I felt two different ways. 1. If I wasn't moving and didn't have to talk I felt pretty good, the pain was less. 2. If I had to talk or move at all, I would say or do anything to not have to move at all! It was HELL! So, since this form of treatment may work on other people, it does not work on me. The migraine lasted 3-4 more days, it never went away, and I just began taking all the medication I thought I could keep down, and not get in to trouble with.

That sucks! I would have rather been at the hospital being monitored. But since their protacols are different now, I seemed to have no choice. This had to stop. I was told after I came out of the migraine that everyone was very worried about me. I was in a coma like state just moaning and sleeping, or throwing up for days. I didn't eat much and I slept and slept and slept. I kept the ice on my head and neck. Also had it on my back.

Durring this time, there were many promises that I couldn't keep. I just kept putting things off one more day, one more day, .... I felt so bad that I couldn't even ask anyone to do those things for me. It would have been to hard, and too painful to get what I needed done.

My client Kristy, I remember I spent many days worried about her MK order not getting out. But I couldn't do anything about it other than worry about it. Now Kristy, is very nice, and she was more than gracious. It isn't that. I just hate not doing what I say I will do. I hate not being able to follow through. I was also supposed to be getting the garden in the flowers planted, other MK orders out, and the house cleaned, and food made for a birthday party and a graduation party to be held at our house. These are things that others could pull off, but not as I had planned.

To our teenager who the parties were for, our house was already clean in her mind. (keep in mind that she came from a home where the mother wasn't able to clean for years!) I am determined to not let that be me. It might take me longer, things might not be perfect, but they will be done as good as I am able to do them. And with that I will be satisfied.

And that's how it went. I got better from this episode. Luka by my side, now feeling guilty for watching me suffer so. He was like glue. I've been to my Dr again, and the new medication is 1/2 gone already this season has brought many barometer changes. Aie Yie Yie.. Not to mention I am pushing myself to make sure that things are accomplished. Jason is working all he can, and well our teenager is a teenager. While concerned and helping, is helping like a typical teen who is self absorbed, and focused on her social life. I was the same way, no amount of talking to would make this better, at least not for the long haul, we had had a couple of talks but none that warrented any long term change.

We just hope that as she grows up and has personal responsibilities that she will fufill her obligations. But since she hasn't had the best examples of that in the past, we are just trying to be the best examples that we can. She will constantly compare, in her mind an occasionally verbally, that everything is already better, cleaner, nicer or whatever than it was, and did make the comment that so many people would be thrilled with our home as it is, that it was just fine it didn't have to be perfect.

While that is true I know. The standards that I have set for myself and that I expect from myself are not set this low. While I've had to compromise, I am certainly not willing to give up, on the cleanlieness, or the fixed up portions. If I can find a way, I will make a way!

Her birthday was great! Thank goodness for tax money. We had planned to bank it, but with having those that had promised to help us with her, find other places for their financial assistance, we had invitations out for these things by now, and that made it our responsiblity to follow through with them. Graduation and her birthday, used up the money. We had combined her party with another who was graduating. That did help, while we had double the people, we had others responsible for things as well. As I knew even on my best day, that I would never be able to make the salads and sides needed to feed people. I made BBQ pork, I made allot 4 shoulders worth. OUCH! I should have picked something easier, but never having done it before, and having planned to do it a couple weeks in advance, well, the timing didn't work out, and it was done just in time.

The arthritus in my hands was going full force and the pulling apart of the fat and the meat about did my hands arms and back in. But it did turn out to taste very good. It was a success. I spent up to the moment getting things ready, and everyone pitched in. We have a neighbor guy and gal who it wouldn't have been possible with out their help. I did allot of dishes, and I felt pretty good for the day.

During graduation Luka caught another one. I took my meds and Jason took me home early. I didn't have time to rest, I just had to hope that Luka had caught it in time, and the meds would now do their job. I stayed in the kitchen, as that is all I could manage. No extra people, and nothing more to focus on than one thing at a time.

Outside there were people everywhere! It went well. Off with out a hitch. Two happy seniors, and the house was cleaned up for the most part that night! Phew!

Now the past days have been for catching up. Gardening, watering, paperwork, regular cleaning and such. We've seen a few friends, done a few things. Tonight is the first time I am finding my head clear enough to write this post. While there have been many more things go on. Over all I am proud of how I handled everything. I did as good as I could. I didn't give up, and I think most things went very well.

I guess that is all that I can ask of myself. We are headed out tomorrow for another trip to one of Jason's jobs. We are so fortunate to have such good friends! We could have never done this with out everyone's help!

We are broke but thankful we did our best! Should we have spent the money? I don't know. I have guilt about it for sure. Could we have done it less expensive? I believe so, I never dreamed that those who had promised to support her and us for doing this would not. Hindsite being what it is, we should have just served cake! But, we made it through, our bills are paid on time. Somehow, it happened. God is good! Thank God and Thanks to my MK and Jason's extra jobs!

Phew!

I hope to post some pictures of my garden soon too!! Check out my facebook for most pictures! And as usual I am now by far too tired to check my spelling and grammer... So I appologize, but this blog is not about that so on to publishing and bed I go!

PPP and Cleo

Pickles, Prom Pictures, Popcorn, and a new foster dobie Cleo are what today has brought so far.. Life is good, it really always is. Of course there are the irritations, but I really love those around me.

So, planning what to do each day can be a bit of a challenge, not knowing what I will be able to do does place limitations on my planning. But for the most part a healthy list of things that need done, can be adjusted for me no matter how I feel.

I am currently working on finding missing alumni for a reunion, I am sewing curtains for my house, which I really need to get back to finishing, now that I can sit up on my own. I have a whole bunch of unfinished projects on a shelf waiting for completion, and something is always needing cleaned.

I felt pretty well yesterday getting our senior ready for prom! We did not plan out her attire very well, we had a general idea, but had not done a test run... probably should have... After taking multiple things for migraines in the morning, I was able to be up and functioning around noon, in time to get the house picked up for pictures. Man can stuff accumulate, jackets on the couch, things on the kitchen table, a few dirty dishes, paper!!! my gosh that is everywhere! I got my makeup ready to do glam her up. She also informed me a girlfriend Amanda V. had asked if I would do hers as well. So I planned accordingly.

I was then on to making a corsage and boutonniere for our senior and her date. I used to do some flowers for weddings, so I have a bit of a basic stash of stuff. Just the supplies mostly, not the frilly stuff. The kids had picked up the flowers they wanted used and a wrist band, we were good to go! Thank goodness for my stash!

As I worked on the flowers, I wondered why hadn't I gotten to them earlier. I really hate waiting till the last minute for things. Especially remembering my childhood. Many things were done at the VERY last minute, and we would be late for things, or some things would never get done. My mind filled with many of those episodes, and my heart began to race.... what if I was doing to her what happened to me...... Oh, no I don't I can't do something to her that would make her feel as I did.

With those thoughts in my mind I would be sure to sabotage myself. I regained composer, told myself that this was crazy to be doing this at the last minute... I mean really, what if the migraine hadn't dissipated... where would she be then.

For now I was safe though, while I didn't have any extra time, I did have just enough. I even had enough time to toss on some sparkles to her silk gerber daisy and add some sparkle beads to accessorize! Whew! Now the only thing that I hadn't gotten done was her shoes. She was opting to wear those $1 flip flops. She'd gotten some before and they matched her dress perfectly!

Ideas were floating around in my head as to what could be done to pretty them up. I had a couple of ideas, some would take a while and others would be fairly quick... We'd have to see...

In the end the flowers, the makeup, the shoes, the pictures, the dresses, the nails, the hair, and everything else went perfectly!! She was feeling well too, which had been a major concern as she is dealing with many physical issues as well as dental issues that have been reeking havoc on her life. Geesh at 17 no one should be dealing with the myriad of issues that she's been faced with. It is ridicules! I guess that is why we have her with us. We are tackling these issues one by one, and while not easy, they are being resolved.

Her night went wonderfully all things considered. I was so glad! I had planned a ride to go get her in case she needed to be brought home early. Thank goodness for my awesome neighbor!

Jason who was at work, kept checking in, I know he wished he could have been here too, to help with all of the plans. We were also invited to a cousin's wedding. We sure wished that would have worked out as well. But with as much work as he's got to do to get everything covered, attending just wasn't an option. We were very lucky to get to see pictures, and I am sure that we will catch up with them later.

You can just do your best. That is all you can ask.

After yesterday's panic, of undone prep for prom... that makes me start thinking more about what I have yet to do for the next week or two. Truly we have been so focused on medical appointments for she and I, Jason's had some too.. that nothing else seems to be worked into the schedule. I get so tired out from them, and I know it is painfully hard for Jason, he does allot of driving and waiting for both of us. This week is shaping up to be no exception. She's got at least two Dr's appointments every day this week, I've got at least 4 but I need to have 6... I just can't do it... some of them will have to be put off. It is just too much.

Our newest foster girl is a beautiful gentle fawn colored doberman. She is good with kids, good with other dogs, I understand she is good around cats too! I am sure that we won't have her in long. There are requests already coming in for her.

Jason is off to see family today, had we been able to attend the wedding we'd have hooked up with more. Today worked out great anyway for him. He pulled his little now red trailer to his folk's house, he'd asked his dad to work on creating a lid for it. Something he thought they could do together. He also got to have a nice visit with his brother, something he hadn't done in forever. He got his top changed on his jeep and is now ready for summer to arrive.

That reminds me I've got to get goggles ordered for Luka. He goes everywhere with me, and last year wasn't too keen on all of the wind with a topless jeep. We are going to have to work on this. I sure hope he can get used to it.

Life is good.

PerCePtiOn!

Days pass and times change, it seems as if only yesterday happened, but yet it is now almost five years later. Sometimes time seemingly stands still. I know it does seem to do just that for my high school senior. She is counting the days minutes and hours until she is in a different stage of her life. I remember doing the same thing, but for me the waiting was more fun, much less stress, and a time to figure a few things out.

Sometimes I think this can be so painful as it is for her, her unusual circumstances at school have made things so much more difficult. Just as the unusual medical circumstances that have happened in my life. Both of us are so similar, both of us are learning to be tougher, both of us are unwilling to settle for what we don't deserve.

Respect, care, compassion, and more I am so glad that she knows that these things are mandatory to expect, and to share. I sometimes will find that she forgets this. For the most part she stays true to herself. I wonder, if desperation would fall upon her and if she would be strong enough to make it through what ever would be hanging the dark cloud over her.

I have been told that I am too cheery, I always am looking for the best. I frustrate Jason by the answers to his questions. He will ask me how I am doing, he can tell when I hurt. He asks me this already knowing that I am hurting, then wants me to verbally validate what he is already seeing my body and eyes present. He is frustrated by my lack of brut honesty on the subject. I most commonly have answered his question with an I doing better than I was, or an I am alright.

These answers have become a huge frustration for him. I don't understand why he needs my verbal validation for what he already knows to be true. My perspective and my focus is and has been to stay mentally healthy. To not go out and try to kill myself, to make it through the day, to really focus on what good things I have instead of the pain that I feel all of the time. For me being better than I was is good. If I can hear myself say that I am alright, that I am better than I was, these things don't seem so bad.

I can understand his frustration, really I can. Looking at me he, and everyone else I guess can tell that there is something wrong with me. I can too I guess if I were to look in the mirror when I have gotten worn out from the pain. I don't have any sparkle to my eyes, my brows sink in to my eyes, I loose color, not that I had that much to begin with, my posture is shifted, and I have difficulty moving, standing or doing anything. Just the speed of my thinking, my clarity, and my movement each alone could tell someone.

Many times the problem is not only that I don't want to hear myself say that I am myserable, that the pain is so intense that I can hardly stand it, but that I am so tired, and so foggy, that my mind has actually blocked the pain from the front of my thinking. When prompted, for a more complete and serious answer, in which I take a few moments to delebriate and assess my condition, this fog will subside, and the reality of the pain will begin to take hold.

I know that most people aren't able to do this, I am very lucky that I have had the mental blocking skills already developed to some degree to help me deal with this. Prior to the day of my auto accident where the very old man took his time to turn to look from side to side to check the traffic, where his foot got ahead of his eyes, and jetted out in front of my little red Mary Kay car. I had already developed these skills to deal with the PTSD that I had/have.

It does become a detriment however, I have found. I do know that since my auto accident, I can no longer remember peoples names with ease. There faces or names if seen will cause me to stop, but the clarity that was once there before, is gone. I had worked hard to develop the skill of remembering people's names, and where I knew them from. I don't have that anymore, I am starting over.

I see the frustration in peoples faces when they realize that I don't remember them. How do you explain in five seconds or less that I was in an accident...blah blah blah... GRRR! It is so frustrating for me not because of the loss of the skill. But the skill provided a validation to those around me, the people that I met, wheather briefly, or had a major interaction with, that they were important to me. How many times do you go through your day, with no validation of importance, no acknowlegement that you actually mean something to someone. That you are more than a number, that you are worthy, and treasured.

It was a skill that I had worked hard to perfect, that gave a gift larger than you can hold. I loved making those who were with in contact to whatever degree with me that they were indeed important. I knew this from many years of being a discounted person, a person who others saw no real value in what I did. I have never been a person with one of THOSE jobs, one of THOSE degree's one of THOSE types of social standing.

I have been around many of those people, those people make up a portion of my friends today. My friends may have THOSE things, but they see ME! They are around me because of how I have made them feel, because I see them. I don't see what they do, or what they have. If they lost it all, I wouldn't go away. These are the people that are still with me through this crazyness. They are the type of people you want in your life.

While being a waitress, being the shoe shine girl, being a farm hand, fast food worker, and more, I learned that many people saw you as what you did, not for who you were. Their mistake. I could feel the invaidation, that is the type of feeling that can sink a person's soul. It frustrated mine, it pushed me, not to be the type of person who had to have all of that to feel alright about myself, but to be strong enough that other's perceptions would never cloud my self worth. I hope for my high school senior's sake that she can keep a strong sense of value and hold it close, while encouraging and validating others. She too knows what it feels like to be a discounted person.

A quote by Frank Sinatra shared tonight on the David Letterman show, by a friend of his, and I paraphrase, "If you own something that you can not give away, then you do not own it, it is the one that owns you." If a person feels as if they are of value, but keeps it to themselves, uses it for themselves, than, really do they have value? I wonder.

Going through this receient recovery period has been difficult to retain this I must say, but through guarding what I say, what I spend my days focused on, and making the most of what I have each moment, this has been what keeps me going. I've got lots of blessings in my life. One of the greatest blessings is laying beside me with his hand on my knee.

I hope for her sake and the sake of those around her that she holds on to what is dear to her by sharing all she can to benefit those around her. My greatest friends have this gift too! I love being around them, not for the degree's that they hold, or the money that they earn, or the club that they belong to. I love being around them because I can help them and they can help me, we are there for each other, and while acknowledging flaws choose to look at each other's gifts.

I am blessed! Beyond belief, I am better than I was!