Thursday, July 1, 2010

FiNgErS CrOsSeD..

So today has been good.  I am up and about a bit more.  I go back to the Dr. in a couple of weeks.  I have a few things to discuss with him, several questions.  The procedure itself I think at least at this point went fine.  But I am hoping that there is more that can be done, as I am still having some issues.

This time was different than the previous that is for sure.  I am not minding, I just need the Doctor to evaluate some things with me.  Right now I am ready to go get more of this done.  I hope he will agree to that.  Who knows it may be in two weeks I will feel differently.

I do know that I am stir crazy.  Crazy may be the way to more aptly describe how I am feeling.  I really have been home alone allot.  Jason is working his heart out, and when he has not been at work he has been volunteering, and learning.  So life is pretty busy for him these days.

I am however looking forward to some visitors here again soon!  I have a girlfriend popping by tomorrow!  I am thrilled!  Besides that she is bringing me some goodies that I need.  Even better!  Another friend is camping nearby as well he has brought his daughter to camp!  I hope Jason will be able to hook up and hang out with him!

I am sure more people will be by as well.  It tis the season.  Nice Nebraska weather means that people will be out traveling about.  I hope to get to see my friend who's had back surgery as well.  She has been getting out and about a bit.  So I've been reading about her adventures as well.

Tomorrow my main goal is to get a shower before everyone arrives.  I think it should go smoothly.  I hope so at least.  Otherwise it could get a little embarrassing.  It will be my first shower on my own in along time.

Have I mentioned I've been feeling crazy..  Well I have.  I want to go outside and do something!  I want to go anywhere and do something.  I've been organizing dirty dishes on the counter top.  (yes our house is a bit disheveled.)  Bending is still not my strong suit, and I get so dang tired.  So house cleaning has been put on the huge list of things needing done around here.

One nifty thing, is right now I am growing a full set of nails on both of my hands.  I think between the 50,000 units of calcium I am taking every other day and not doing a darn thing that I am having some nice looking finger nails.  Too bad I have no desire to paint them.  (oh, and I am not kidding about the amount of calcium I take.. it is obscene. )  I need to get back on my horse about the vitamin B too.. I've been slacking...

I am sure I will feel better once I get those vitamins pumping through my system.  I've just been taking the regular doses in my shakes and bars as of late.. I really haven't been doing much extra.  With the Vitamin B.. I am jumping back on tomorrow.  I usually am feeling happier when I have more of my Ionix..

Tonight was nice.  Jason spooned with me for a while.  I LOVE THAT.  He even gave tried to give me a massage... That was not successful.

I haven't mentioned that I can no longer see my massage therapist any longer.  But I can't.  I haven't had an appointment for weeks.  I can sure feel that I have not as well.  I hurt hurt hurt.  I have been hurting.  He could usually work out the places that would get so bad.  However, since I have no longer been able to continue with massage therapy, my body just keeps getting worse.  The only thing that has helped so far is laying flat and icing.  So for weeks now that is what I have been doing.

No offense to my amazing husband.  He knows this as well... his massages do nothing to help the pain.

I can't go any more because of finances.  I wish it were different.  I hope there is help for me out there somewhere.  I had been planning on the settlement with the insurance company of the 90 year old man covering my medical bills..  But it is looking as if that is not going to be the case at all.  He even got a ticket in the accident.

It still remains to be seen, but in all good consciousness when I found out that it was likely that my bills were not going to be covered, I needed to stop anything I could.  Insurance, at least mine, does not cover massage therapy.

We are hoping that those who have been so generous to treat me during this period will at least be paid.  All I can say is the way the system works for those who are injured really stinks.  The system totally favors the insurance companies.

I'd like to say a whole lot else as well.  But I won't for now.  It is all a big mess, it is still getting sorted out.  I feel so guilty for not healing like everyone else.  I feel guilty for not being able to do J**K S**T..  I sit here day after day and look out my windows, thinking of things I can do to get myself better.

I try doing all that I can do.  I work so hard at things I make myself worse.  Which frustrates me beyond all sorts of reason.  I hate being broken.  I hate it.

To top it off everything that is wrong with me is invisible!  Which becomes so frustrating to explain to someone who looks at me.  I don't look broken.  I look so much better than most thirty throughs..

The thing that is most frustrating is that I look the best I have ever looked in my life, (at least as far as what society considers looking good) and I feel the absolute worst physical pain I have ever felt in my life.  I am a contradiction.  I am so frustrated.  I am happy that I look nice don't get me wrong.  I am grateful. 

I guess at least when I am able to get out and about, my husband will have some arm candy.  (Although I swore that is something I never wanted to be!)

Life has a way of making sick jokes at my expense.   I am really working hard to say Never!  As soon as I say it it seems to happen.

Oh well, at least things are green outside my windows.  The birds are healthy.  I swear I will start posting pictures soon.  But right now my computer keeps locking up and I can't get that stuff done.

Hopefully this will be resolved soon with the addition of more RAM.  Yes I figured this out on my own.  I don't know if it will help, but I am giving it a shot.  I even have looked up how to do it on my own!  ( If I am not strong enough to snap it in, I will wait for Jason to do it. )

I am turning one day at a time into a techie geek.  I guess since I have already had my Amateur Radio License for years now that I already was one..  Ha!  Although no one has ever gotten a QSL card from me in their mail box.  Maybe I should remedy that..? 

I did make Jason a pretty schnazzy one the other day!  I was pretty proud of it.  Maybe that is the sort of thing I could do?  I wish there was more of a market for it... =)

At any rate.  I am moving around more.  I am trying to do more.  So we will see!  Fingers crossed that this is all that I need!

Pink Doberman

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