GrAtEfUL giRL

The questions that go through my mind each day...

Can I get out of bed?
Can I take a bath/shower?
Do I feel well enough to get dressed?
Can I make and drink a shake or should I just grab a bar for breakfast?
What medication do I need today? 
Luka needs to get out, do I get him out now or wait for the meds to kick in?
I have to get Luka some food, do I do it now?
Can I make it to get the mail?
Will I be able to drive today?
Do I need to go back and rest?
Can I at least sit up at the computer?
What household things can I get done? 
Do I need to get anyone on the phone?  Will I remember the conversation?
Is today nice enough I could sit outside?
Can I write a post for my blog at least?
What should I have for lunch?  Can I get something heated up, or can I make a shake?
Maybe I can watch an online class, are there any on today?
I wonder if I can get some strawberries planted?
What am I going to do?  Where can I work?
Ok, so I feel good today, what is the most important to get done?
How long do I have?
What can I do that will be nice to have done for Jason?
Do I have anything that I need to get in the mail?

Well you get the idea.

Mostly I sit here in my bed thinking of things I could be trained to do.  Wondering if I could actually make it through school and hold a job.  I have pretty much come to the conclusion that whatever I do it will need to be done from home. 

I have been lucky to have found some online groups to belong to.  It is pretty neat, you can go to groups.yahoo.com  and find some things of interest for you too!  That has allowed me to stay in touch with people of similar interests.  I think there is a group for pretty much everything. Give it a try!  As a warning not all of the groups are full of kind people!  The ones that I am apart of are great, but I did drop some groups because of their nasty attitudes.  So beware!  Just keep looking and read the past posts to get the feel of the group after you are accepted.

I am home allot and being in a non metropolitan area the amount of visitors that one receives is minimal.  Those that come through the area most likely have their agenda set on high speed and this girl is on slow.  I don't make the best shopping companion or vacation companion.  Which I completely understand,  people have a limited time to do things once they get away from their routine, and they have to get everything crammed in that they feel they have been missing. 

Occasionally though I can meet up with someone and that is fantastic. 

The nice thing is that we have spare beds in our house.  So even if I don't have the energy to spend time with friends or family while they do their activities in the area, I usually can end up with a full house of visitors taking advantage of the free place to crash at night!  That works too!

Just call our house the Pink Doberman Hotel! 

It has been nice that people in our lives, especially family have started to have a better understanding of what our lives are like.  They are accepting us where we are at and that has been great!  It has been a difficult transition for sure.  I think one of the things that has helped me the most to deal with my feelings is writing this blog. 

Besides giving me an avenue to "dump my feelings" it has really been handy to give others an insight to what I or someone like me goes through.  I think many people who go through these challenges have a difficult time expressing how they feel.

The guilt can be consuming.  The loss can be overwhelming.  The anger can be destructive.  The medications can mix everything up.

Today for example, I'd been really hurting.  REALLY BAD.  I had to take more pain meds than usual and they made me a bit snappy.  That sucks because snapping at the ONLY person who is there for me day in and day out is not cool. 

Thankfully I think he knew it was the medication talking and not me.  But still it hurts to hurt.  There is no way to avoid the sting words can cause.  Even if they are medication induced. 

So another question I need to ask myself.. How can I deal with the medication taking over my mouth? 

How can I deal with the pain messing with my emotions and my energy levels?

How can I cope with the loss of memory and the slow to respond to details?  I remember things, but it is like someone dumped out all of the files of my life and I have to sift through things scattered all over the floor instead of pulling them out of organized files.

Writing this blog has also helped Jason understand the emotions I am going through.  The amount of energy I am putting in to being the best I can be.  The guilt I have for not being able to contribute in our marriage.  The pain that I feel in not being able to be more than a trophy on his arm.  The thing I swore I never wanted to be.  Be it a broken one or not.

Thank goodness he does not treat me like that. 

So what kind of questions do you ask yourself each day?  Are you doing the best to be who you want to be in-spite of your derailments?  We all have them. 

Sometimes we have to hop the tracks and choose a new destination.  There is always another direction to head.  Dreams are meant to be lived.  I am working on hopping tracks and heading in a new direction! 

Adventure lies beyond the horizon.  I am looking for hope in the darkest corners.  I am looking for peace in the strongest pain.  I am looking for a future in the hardest of struggles.  I am looking for continued partnership in an unequal parring. 

There are prayers needed for sure.  Persistence will be key.  I have to remember each day is a gift, and if I can move one step closer each day I have to be thankful for that.

I am a grateful girl!
Pink Doberman