I am not going to talk about me or that part of my life. Not here. If you know me and you ask me in person I may. It isn't that I am not willing to share. I am just not willing to share with EVERYONE. I have strict criteria. Criteria that keep me sane and keep me functioning at a level beyond crazy messed up and unfunctioning. Yes I have been there before. I have no intention of going back. I avoid at all costs the things that will reintroduce me to that life. It is an unsafe life that is very difficult for me to pull myself of it, and go on focusing on the future instead of moments from the past.
However, understanding that many people do not understand Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ( PTSD ) I feel an obligation to share something about it. I do understand it. I understand it all to well. I wish I did not. I wish I could look at people with an innocent a wondering gaze and innocently go on with my life as if the thoughts had never crossed my mind.
I hide it well. I learned that in my Mary Kay life. Shutting off parts of your soul and you mind so that others have no ability to see inside. Unfortunately what is inside still is there. You still have to deal with it. You still have to have the energy to control it. You have to be proactive with your life and keep yourself safe.
I have learned. I have not mastered anything. I have not overcome it. It is still here. It may never go away, although I wish it will. My husband has suffered for it. Physically as well as emotionally. It is apart of who I am and we live with it.
My PTSD was not caused by a traditional "War Time Event". But knowing that many who are coming back from places like this struggle as well as many others who have never been to an over seas conflict are also plagued by it. I want to share a couple of blogs. A very special very candid blog written by Ray at Cold Steel Rain or John as found at The Enemy Within . The two sides. Reality and Former Reality which has a distinctive way of sneaking its self into the current reality.
Oddly enough Cold Steel Rain is ending, and it looks as if The Enemy Within is just beginning. Check them out.
I have never of course met John or Ray. But their writings are so similar to what goes through my mind what I fight with and he is able to describe it so succinctly I thought I would share.
It is a pervasive problem without a real solution.
Blessings and may all of your thoughts be happy ones.